Based on Austria 1999
Bobbie Singer — Reflection

Don’t get sad, I’m your constant companion
Aren’t you glad to once again see me?
Now I’m back, can’t you feel our love blossoming?
It’s a sign you remember our fun

Always we’d be together
I would go everywhere with you
Even in the rooms that you’d go to pee
Such good times in that cocktail bar loo!

But don’t you recognise me?
Oh… I’m the itch you can’t quite reach
The infection in your pants
Your genital S.T.I.

It’s been a long time since your hymen
And your labia minora too
Could I find a much better place? No!
I’d rather be with than without you

Day and night together
I’ve wrapped myself around your fallopians
I’m cervix diving deeper and deeper
Don’t ever think to doubt my devotion

And when you’re menstruating
Oh… What a flood of love for me!
Your affectionate S.T.I. (I love you)

Your vajayjay… my oh my!
I applaud your vulvarine (Clap! Clap! Clap!)
(So cosy!)

(Mesmerised) (I love you)

Where we going you and I?
No…

(The local pharmacy!)

You’ll be sorry – change your mind

No, don’t use that pessary-y
Or the antibiotics please
Says your loving S.T.I.

[inserts pessary]

OK I’ll apologise (Oh baby)
I now know it was unwise
Showing up with U.T.I. (I’m sorry)

[takes antibiotics]

(You don’t want me? Oh-Oh-Oh)
(Goodbye now)

See you soon, love S.T.I.

Postscript
ALC Doctor: “Well, AL, you’ve been horribly infected by additional syllables and stress mismatches. Prognosis? May God have mercy on your Soul.”

Based on Netherlands 1988
Gerard Joling — Shangri-La

Gay men!
Free me!
I am new, so help me out

It was on a beach day, I remember very clear,
That they invited and beguiled me
Their speedy lips, their greedy hands were over me
I was green as grass, so blue, startled at what I got in view

I’m a gay man, can you see me
I am new, please try me out

Oooooooohh

I need gay men, if you’d please me
I am new, just use me now

The Maspalomas dunes,
one afternoon in June
a simple invitation

Two gents, both well endowed
nobody else around
“Gay man, want a threesome?”
Who’d resist, I ain’t no fool

The Maspalomas dunes,
more joyful afternoons
life changing transformation

Gay men
Eat me
I am new, do ride me now

Oooooooohh

Gay men
Breed me
I am new, now wear me out!

Ooh oh oh oh oh oh
Ooh oh oh oh oh oh

Ooh oh oh oh oh oh
Ooh oh

I’ve been cruised, regret it now!

Based on Austria 1959
Ferry Graf — Der K. und K. Kalypso aus Wien

A schnitzel as party food
No pints for your beer – just steins!
The bunting’s red, black and gold
The trains run on time

Today we celebrate the real Jubilee
We say “Prost!” to the Queen
Her Saxe-Coburg-Gotha family tree
Demands a party with a Teutonic spin

So give your dancing footwear a clean
(Socks and sandals, we mean)

Roast beef? We’ve got Currywurst
Replacing Sam Ryder: Rammstein!
The sky’s full of Luftballons
A brass band stands by

All these delights we offer efficiently
For the real Jubilee:
Hologram Merkel in the back of a Benz

[A Bundesdance]

Helene Fischer serenading the Mall
Riesling in hand:

“God save the Queen!
Her crown supreme
Her reign serene
Her German genes
We breathlessly express our esteem
For our – your! – Königin”

Since fun is only fun when mandatory
At the real Jubilee
We kindly ask for no more noise after 10

[A glum dance]

And take this grammar lesson so you fit in
Say after me:
“Ich, du, er, sie
Der, dem, das, die
Wo, wer, was, wie”
It’s easy, see?

Now you can join our Karneval team
Raise your glass! Auf die Queen!

Based on Bulgaria 2018
EQUINOX — Bones

Vote as you desire
The stakes are very high
You just pick the phone up
Wait, that’s too old, just text it.
Your favorite’s in danger
You can see it in the odds
Rehearsals haven’t been like
You thought, it smells like NQ.

Now you hope, it’s not worse, than at least
Seven other songs.
But deep down, you just know, that the envelope
Won’t make the correct call.

Still you watch despite the votes
So many tasteless votes
You watch beyond the votes
Don’t care ‘bout the results
We watch beyond the votes.

Estonia just made it
With another country song
Staging was amazing
Guess that’s why they made it

And now I, gotta try, to survive
Yet another fav’rite gone
And to fight, to point out, t’was the staging’s fault
It was a perfect song

Still I watch despite the votes
No regrets that I still vote
I know that I did vote
Even if it ranked dead last
I will keep on the vote
Will never stop the vote
Oh will never cease to vote
Yeah will just keep on the vote

And maybe someday
Now or far away
Results will comply with
My taste, my passions and my votes!

Based on Austria 1957
Bob Martin — Wohin, kleines Pony?

Your skin is an organ like no other
It’s made out of protein, fats and water
Controls sensation
Heat regulation
It’s quite resistant
And flexible

Your skin can be moistured to look nicer
Though some people bleach it to be whiter
Some say it’s private
And chose to hide it
While others show it
As much they can

It can be brown
It can be light
It can be pale
If you feel fright
It’s tone depends
On your genome
Millions of mites
Call it their home

Your skin is a tissue most compelling
A bite from a spider might cause swelling
Some parts are hairy
But necessary
It’s not a sin
It’s only your skin!

It can be rugged
It can be smooth
It can be stretched
To mimic youth
If in the sun
It can get tanned
Or really burnt
And you’ll be dead

Your skin is what keeps your form together
Without it your fluids would escape it
So please protect it
Do not neglect it
And keep in mind

Your skin needs your love!

Based on Azerbaijan 2021
Efendi — Mata Hari

I’m a Tory,
Not cos of father and mother,
My husband or even a brother,
It’s just cos I’m a cow

Starting fires,
Playing war games I desire,
Ain’t gonna leave no survivors
Til the Falklands are ours

Just like Cleopatra (aah-aah)
A female ruler
And moral pariah
(Wasn’t a man, wasn’t a man, wasn’t a man)
Ma-Ma-Ma-Margaret Thatcher

Margaret Thatcher
(Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-ma)
(Ma-ma-ma-ma) Ma-Ma-Ma-Margaret Thatcher
Margaret Thatcher
(Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-ma)
(Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-ma)
(Margaret Thatcher)

In the eighties
School kids you’d often discover
Drinking their poisonous water
Cos I stole all their milk

And my lying
U-turn around, you are trying
Please, I insist, try to fight me
And I’ll see you in hell

Just like Cleopatra (aah-aah)
A female leader
A moral pariah
(Wasn’t a man, wasn’t a man, wasn’t a man)
Ma-Ma-Ma-Margaret Thatcher

Margaret Thatcher
(Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-ma)
(Ma-ma-ma-ma) Ma-Ma-Ma-Margaret Thatcher
Margaret Thatcher
(Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-ma)
(Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-ma)
Margaret Thatcher

Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-ma
Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-ma

Just like Boris Johnson
My conduct was dire (shh)
Let’s go

[Now rave like you’re a Conservative minister in a lockdown!!]

Ma-ma-ma-ma, Margaret Thatcher
Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-ma, Margaret Thatcher
Margaret Thatcher

Based on United Kingdom 1959
Teddy Johnson and Pearl Carr — Sing Little Birdie

Itch, itch, itch go our trigger fing-, fing-, fingers

Sergeants Karen and Kyle
We’re with Tucson PD
We’re just here in the ghetto coz your cousin is a thief
It’s his third stolen car
So we need all the deets
And down here in the ghetto y’all love to spill the tea

Now, just a moment! What “lynch mob”?
We’re just here to do our job
Ma’am, keep your voice down!
Don’t blame us, it’s all on your cuz

So then, this is your chance
Just give us what we need
Or we’ll place all your children in protective custody
Coz we’ve heard ’bout your past
One more charge is strike three
And we’ll make sure you go down for twenty to thirty

Sing, little birdie, shop your cuz!
He won’t hear your name from us
Ask who deserves it
One of y’all’s gonna take the fall

Are you really surprised we’ve your cuz in our sights?
Yes, he fits the description! Witness called him “some black guy”
Ma’am, you’re being absurd
And we’re armed, as you see
Two white peeps in the ghetto? Of course we’re packing heat!

Cease and desist!
Put down your phone, and drop the aggressive tone!
Ma’am, all lives matter – even yours
That’s why we have laws

No further warnings! Filming’s banned!
Turn around and raise your hands!
Please don’t resist, ma’am, or we’ll just
pop
you
in
the
ass

Based on Ukraine 2020
Go_A — Solovey

Dress is purple, voice is mellow
Orchestral performance – less so
Sounds like an unpolished demo
Butchered by a blatant twang

Yet she sang on, never croaked
Other singers would have choked
Then high praise when Toto spoke
“Complimenti”, ain’t no joke

Teeth are perfect, polished white
Lovely Luxembourgish eyes
Earrings with a metal shine
Born and raised in Heinerscheid

Think I’m gonna be her stan
Have her doll for talisman
Make the fandom understand
That her real name’s Mick Wersant

“Sarah Bray, Sarah Bray, straightens out your wrinkles”
Seems she’s had a change of jobs, no-one bought her single
Sarah Bray saturates barren skin with ointments
Mailed her l’Institut Balance to book me an appointment

🛫 ~ Flies to Luxembourg ~ 🛬

‘Bout the stan thing, I’ll be silent
Say I came here for her talent
Eurofan? She might say no
Je cherche un traitement de peau

Yass! I’ve met her at the spa
“Pour le soin des mains, n’est-ce pas?”
Quite a costly wellness plan
Work away on my spine..

.. stiffness in my neck, so ..
.. give me some reflexo ..
.. oil up my whole body ..

Sarah Bray, Sarah Bray, that’s not what I came for!
But she keeps massaging on, with impressive great force
Sarah Bray, should I say, you’re my childhood goddess?
Steal a small kiss? Ask for selfie? Or just get some botox?

Sarah Bray, Sarah Bray, Must-go place near Mensdorf
Wiped away my varicose, waxed my stubborn hair off
Sarah Bray, safe to say, there’s no disappointment
I just cannot praise enough her institut de beauté

Based on Denmark 1979
Tommy Seebach — Disco Tango

It snuck upon me, hit me to the core
Dark like Dementors, vibe like Voldemort
And looking back it must have festered for decades, I guess
(for decades I guess)
A lovely cocktail of anxiety, trauma and stress
When you grow up in a community
That worships God in all severity
But you don’t feel at home, your soul slowly withers away
(slowly withers away)
And all you want is freedom until one day you escape
Break free and never look back

Nervous breakdown, in a flash
The lights went out, an uppercut, a crash
An explosion of howls and tears, then stop
And there is no more air, no laughter and no hope
Thought life fell right into place
Was flying on my freedom, up in space
But my subconscious screamed and kicked and spat:
A nervous breakdown, how ’bout that?

* floats in nothingness *

Nervous breakdown, so what now?
Can’t Expecto Patronum it somehow
Just like in Life Of Pi, I’m lost at sea
The trauma tiger growls – my lifeboat: therapy
As I start to see the light
At the end of the tunnel, not quite bright
My shoulder angel whispers: Just hold on
It’s darkest right before the dawn.

Based on Marija Naumova — Hey, Boy, Follow Me (Eirodziesma 2001)

🎺 🎺 🎺

There are so many faces
So many singers too
So many different phases
But this one is quite new

My latest aim for conquest
Might seem a little weird
‘Coz to a lyric contest cast
My interest has geared

I want to fornicate with
Each entry from this show
So here’s my latest mission:
I want to have them all

Hey Bot, follow me, if you wanna see my thighs
Hey Lys, though you’re dead, I’ll make you feel alive
Hey dear Sarah’le, let’s try out your advice
A prick request is imminent
So be my porcupine

I’ll drive across the country
Try Linda for the night
Hey, bald and hunky stranger
Rejuvenate my life!

And then I’ll have some lawyers
We can play with their balls
A game inside the Gardens
Or Giroud’s ‘arsenal’

A lustful time with Anri
And even poor Oto
Then quickies with a busker
Just blow my flute and go

🎺 🎺 🎺

Hey play sufferer, the full nudity is I
Hey John Worrington, babies are made tonight
Hey Tim, Ellie, Jack, I’ll be your tantric guide
There is no need to wash our hands
Cold toilet rolls suffice!

Hey ex-ballet girl, I want a piece of your butt
Hey plant slaughterer, sow me with your big nut
Hey poo from the zoo, with cubic beads we’ll play
So lacquer me like a settee
And let’s lay in some hay

Hey bird, place your face down by my Boeing gate
Hey board, refresh me, auto reload my page
Hey Jan, lick my block, let’s invite Massiel
Let’s rumble in potato chips
And then I’ll say farewell