Off-Season Prediction Game

Based on Malta 1972
Helen & Joseph — L-imħabba

We bet our house on Toše Proeski
And spent the next two years in a tent
Then Roger Cicero bombed unfairly
And once again our savings were spent

But now we’ve got some more predictions
The kinks have all been fixed, we had our forecasts mixed
We can foresee deadly afflictions
Somebody warn Barbara Dex, we’ve worked out she’ll perish next

We’re not that worried about James Newman
In fact the odds on him are dead last
The next to die of all British entrants
Is Bonnie Tyler in a gas blast

When did you last check Siw Malmkvist’s Wiki?
We’ll give you 2 to 1 that she’s dead
We can but hope that Jedward die quickly
But there’s more chance they’ll mitose and spread

At last, Senhit can be a winner
We’ll give you 6 to 1 for two of six4one
We set a private eye on Sigga
She’s got a bit of a limp, we’ve bet she’ll die in a blimp

We reckon Gerli will outlive Tanel
And both the Vissis will die at once
We used to call up singers to warn them
But in response, they just called us cu…

[Unscheduled orchestral interruption]

It’s almost morbid ranking juniors
But it’ll take the sting off Bzikebi drowning
Those early ones drop dead like boomers
Nicolas Ganopoulos was nabbed by an albatross

There’s breaking news that Riccardo Fogli
…is still in great health at ninety eight
That is a little bit of a downer
I guess the anthrax we sent is late

Well not to worry, we’re both dead too



Pigeon in My House

Based on Spain 1980
Trigo Limpio — Quédate esta noche

I was scared
It flew through the window
Oh so scared
Pigeon by the window
What to do?
This was not same window
I say, bird
Go to other window

Bird can’t hear
Flies against the window
I explain
Bird prefers closed window
I get stressed
Just like bird in window
Must help bird
Leave through open window

It was a Sunday just like any other
I had just laid down for a nap
But there was booming and banging
And also some clanging before I got up

Out of the bedroom I wonder ‘¿Qué pasa?’
At first I had thought something fell down
But soon I saw what had gone on in my casa
The pigeon looked at me with a frown

¿No, por qué?
Should have closed the window
Sunny June
Left that open window
Pigeon bird
Flew in from the window
So I’m screwed
By the stupid window

Windows may not be so smart
The bird does fly into the glass
Go where y’got in, to start?
Please don’t panic too hard
Fast beat both of our hearts, you trespass

Pigeon’s way out is so close
Go to your freedom right there
The fresh air you can feel and the wind on your wings
Just go more to the right, my Miguel

Please just stop
Flying on the window
Let me guide
To the open window
Give me trust
I point to the window
It’s alright
Look, the other window

Now I see
Bird shit by the window
Don’t be scared
Just fly out the window
My Miguel
Bird there by the window
I named you
Weird, I know, but window

Come on now
The wide open window
Yes, that’s right
Move toward the window
Inch by inch
Closer to the window
There you go
Up and out the window

Bye, Miguel!



Michael Teschl Sucks at Wordle

Based on Denmark 1999
Michael Teschl and Trine Jepsen — This Time I Mean It

*Trine gently weeps*

Michael Teschl sucks at Wordle

*Trine weeps some more*

Yes, I know what it’s all about! I just can’t friggin’ figure out…
Simple words from the ESC. My first try, and it’s not “BITTI”

🤍💛🤍🤍🤍

All I have is a yellow “I”, no ideas for my second try
No, wait, “MUNDO”! My guess number two

🤍💛🤍🤍🤍

Now I have a misplaced “U”

I guess I just suck hard at Wordle. Can’t think of five letter words
Everyday it’s such a hurdle! I always fail, and it hurts
Everyone else shares their row of green hearts, in just two, three or four attempts
I’m just such a “CLOWN” at this Wordle

🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

Not a single letter’s right

Oh, come on! Change your attitude! Be a man, grow the fuck up dude!
You just need a brand-new approach! Now come on, let me be your coach

You know the word has an “I” and “U”, think of words that contain those two

Oh, like “ADIEU”! I’m sure that’s it!

🤍🤍💚🤍💚

Now my “I” and “U” both fit!!!

I used to think this game was too hard, this time I’m doing just fine
I have this feeling in my heart, it’s time to rise and to “SHINE”!

💚💚💚🤍🤍

The first three are green! That has never happened, and I know the last letter too!
All I need to find is the fourth one, I’ll try “R” before the “U”

💚💚💚💚💚

This time you finally did it! In all green it says “SHIRU”



Honey

Based on Turkey 1982
Neco — Hani

NECO: Army of Queens:
Something’s been on my mind What’s up, honey?
Think it’s kinda sublime Go on, honey!
Seems like all of the time We say honey?
Honey
So I simply must ask Oh shoot, honey!
Is it trendy or task Trendy, honey!
Self indulgence or mask? It’s both, honey!
Honey
At first when I heard it I felt
That it sounded quite condescending
Then you kept saying it and it turned to
Something that I can’t explain
Like I’m under a spell Magic, honey!
Dreams of gold and pastel Pastels, honey?
You’re the ghost, I’m the shell So dark, honey!
Honey
So tell me what did you do? What now, honey?
Maybe you’re some kind of shrew? You bet, honey!
Or simply Winnie The Pooh? A bear, honey!
Honey
There’s no choice, I’ve got to chime in
Look at me, I feel ready
Straighten my shoulders, I take a deep breath
World look out, and feel my sass!
World look out, and feel my sass!
Honey, honey!
Honey, honey!
Honey, honey!
Can’t help heaving a sigh Honey!
Tiny tear in my eye Honey!
Happily I comply Honey, honey, honey!
Makes you sound really kind Chi Chi, honey!
Even kinda refined Posh Spice, honey!
Perfectly well designed Tim Gunn, honey, honey, honey!
Hey hey hey hey…
Love how you make me soar Fly high, honey!
Now I only want more! Greedy, honey!
Oh you’re the cum, I’m the whore! Calm down, honey!
HONEY!



Monkeypox

Based on Finland 2022
The Rasmus — Jezebel

I thought that I could rip your face off
Fling shit with full impunity
Jerk off in full view of my sisters
Climb up and piss on them from trees
Hoped hair would coat my hairless body
I’d grow a big prehensile cock
All this and more when I contracted

Monkeypox
I somehow thought it would be more fun
What with the cheeky things monkeys do
Like stealing stuff and infanticide
But instead
It’s throbbing buboes and muscle aches
My dick is itchy and so’s my face
More anal blisters than I’ve had cocks
Up my arse

Living hell

I guess I ought to have known better
I went through all this as a boy
The same regret when I came down with

Chickenpox (such a crock)
I really thought I would start to cluck (bock-bock-bock)
I longed to lay eggs, just one or two (no such luck)
Fly a bit, even if not that far
But instead (speckled red)
I itched like fuck for about ten days (slathered in)
And all I scratched was my spotty face (calamine)
Oh, how I wished a cloaca’d form
In my arse

But say a pox somehow allowed you
To look and act just like its name
You’d get that creature’s superpowers
And no shame

Doggypox…? (Doggypox!)
I would be able to lick my balls (endless fun)
I’d sniff your taint every time you move (nose to bum)
And hump your leg whenever I’m hard
Clownfishpox…? (Clownfishpox!)
I could end up in a Pixar film (face on screen)
Learn how to switch up my sex at will (flick that bean)
Might even mean I could fuck myself

Now, what else…?

Giraffepox! (tongue so long)
Cobrapox! (double cock)
Want the lot!



The Eurovision Gym

Based on Turkey 1996
Şebnem Paker — Beşinci mevsim

Though it is Euroweek, can’t let your fitness slip
Even when you’re a Euro Fan
If only there’s a gym, that lets you mix the two
Well have I got good news for you!

Health for you, fitspo too, do not wait longer
Come sign-up, then warm-up, it’s just five dollars

Welcome to Eurogym, come get your workout in
Our trainers you should know well
This is the Eurogym, now let the tour begin
Then take the package you prefer

We’ve Alice Babs on abs, Bob Benny on the bench
Get in your sit-ups with Çetin
Learn Poli’s pullup form, join Tajci’s Tai chi group
Pilates led by Pollapönk

There’s Sarbel, on barbells, come tell him Yassou
Tereza will make sure you’re on the treadmill

Just push on through the pain
You’ll soon leg-press Loreen
Try lift our Koit-tle bells

Yoga with Yohanna, Elpidalliptical
Trintje will make your triceps swell



the son has&/%?troll.”@#- :)

Based on Serbia and Montenegro 2004
Željko Joksimović & Ad Hoc Orchestra — Lane moje

im pammy help mee outt
de son has jus deaded outt
eurovision 2024gonna flopp a way
cancellato even bee

i am pammy help mee outt
at leest vote at my pole
Y is none anserin mee
de son is deaded offf!!!!

i am pammy i not crasy
but sum vody haz to sea
son on turin is kaputto
Y no vody care for mee 🙁

( im not on drags, i am a drag)
( wach my videoes at leest)

i am pammy sum 1 help mee ( i am pammy)
at least vote at my pole ( i am pammy)
Y is none anserin me
de son is deaded offf!!!!!

i am pammy imnot crasy
i jus don no hau too tipe
but I feel like I’m improving
as I’m writing all this shit 😀
joke’s on you motherfuckers 🙂



G Spotting

Based on United Kingdom 1996
Gina G — Ooh Aah… Just a Little Bit

* snazzy intro *

* nervous backings *

… … … … … … …
… … … … … … …
… … … … … … …
(Has anyone heard from her?)

… … … … … … …
… … … … … … …
… … … … … … …
(Ooh… hope she’s here soon!!)

(Ooh… err… should someone fill in?)
(Ooh… err… it’s not a great start)
(Ooh… err… think crowd’s noticin’)
… … … … … … …

(Ooh… err… does she have a twin?)
(Ooh… err… or maybe an aunt?)
(Ooh… err… could ask Ingvild Bryn?)
… … … … … … …

* embarrassed dancing *

… … … … … … …
(I phoned her mum, she’s not in)
… … … … … … …
(Where’d she go? I wanna know)

… … … … … … …
(Gina G, where can she B?)
… … … … … … …
(Ooh… what are we gonna do?!)

(Ooh… err… when’s she getting here?)
(Ooh… err… what if she’s a corpse?!)
(Ooh… err… where’d she disappear?)
… … … … … … …

(Ooh… err… do you think she quit?)
(Ooh… err… we could’ve been warned)
(Ooh… err… I feel like a tit)
… … … … … … …

Hey girls!

… … … … … … …

* confused gesturing *

… … … … … … …
… … … … … … …
… … … … … … …

(Oh look, there she is!!)
(Looks like she’s still lost)
(Got directions from)
(George Nussbaumer)

(Gina, over here!)
(You’re still in row four!)
(UP HERE YOU THICK BINT!!)
(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-no…)

(Ooh… err… great, she’s in the lift)
(Ooh… err… and there go the doors)
(Ooh… err… guess we made her miffed)
… … … … … … …

(Ooh… err… let’s just twirl and spin)
(Ooh… err… and scuff up the floor)
(Ooh… err… don’t suppose we’ll win)
… … … … … … …

(Eh-ee-eh-ee-erm)
(Ooh… err… we could do a split?)
(Ooh… err… or flash ‘em our drawers?)
(Ooh… err… that could be a hit)
… … … … … … …

(Ooh… err… welp, let’s go get pissed)
(Ooh… err… and hope we still score)
(With somebody fit)



Don’t? Don’t You Want Me?

Based on Austria 1999
Bobbie Singer — Reflection

Don’t get sad, I’m your constant companion
Aren’t you glad to once again see me?
Now I’m back, can’t you feel our love blossoming?
It’s a sign you remember our fun

Always we’d be together
I would go everywhere with you
Even in the rooms that you’d go to pee
Such good times in that cocktail bar loo!

But don’t you recognise me?
Oh… I’m the itch you can’t quite reach
The infection in your pants
Your genital S.T.I.

It’s been a long time since your hymen
And your labia minora too
Could I find a much better place? No!
I’d rather be with than without you

Day and night together
I’ve wrapped myself around your fallopians
I’m cervix diving deeper and deeper
Don’t ever think to doubt my devotion

And when you’re menstruating
Oh… What a flood of love for me!
Your affectionate S.T.I. (I love you)

Your vajayjay… my oh my!
I applaud your vulvarine (Clap! Clap! Clap!)
(So cosy!)

(Mesmerised) (I love you)

Where we going you and I?
No…

(The local pharmacy!)

You’ll be sorry – change your mind

No, don’t use that pessary-y
Or the antibiotics please
Says your loving S.T.I.

[inserts pessary]

OK I’ll apologise (Oh baby)
I now know it was unwise
Showing up with U.T.I. (I’m sorry)

[takes antibiotics]

(You don’t want me? Oh-Oh-Oh)
(Goodbye now)

See you soon, love S.T.I.

Postscript
ALC Doctor: “Well, AL, you’ve been horribly infected by additional syllables and stress mismatches. Prognosis? May God have mercy on your Soul.”



Gerard’s Regret

Based on Netherlands 1988
Gerard Joling — Shangri-La

Gay men!
Free me!
I am new, so help me out

It was on a beach day, I remember very clear,
That they invited and beguiled me
Their speedy lips, their greedy hands were over me
I was green as grass, so blue, startled at what I got in view

I’m a gay man, can you see me
I am new, please try me out

Oooooooohh

I need gay men, if you’d please me
I am new, just use me now

The Maspalomas dunes,
one afternoon in June
a simple invitation

Two gents, both well endowed
nobody else around
“Gay man, want a threesome?”
Who’d resist, I ain’t no fool

The Maspalomas dunes,
more joyful afternoons
life changing transformation

Gay men
Eat me
I am new, do ride me now

Oooooooohh

Gay men
Breed me
I am new, now wear me out!

Ooh oh oh oh oh oh
Ooh oh oh oh oh oh

Ooh oh oh oh oh oh
Ooh oh

I’ve been cruised, regret it now!