Alternative Marija

Based on Marija Naumova — Hey, Boy, Follow Me (Eirodziesma 2001)

🎺 🎺 🎺

There are so many faces
So many singers too
So many different phases
But this one is quite new

My latest aim for conquest
Might seem a little weird
‘Coz to a lyric contest cast
My interest has geared

I want to fornicate with
Each entry from this show
So here’s my latest mission:
I want to have them all

Hey Bot, follow me, if you wanna see my thighs
Hey Lys, though you’re dead, I’ll make you feel alive
Hey dear Sarah’le, let’s try out your advice
A prick request is imminent
So be my porcupine

I’ll drive across the country
Try Linda for the night
Hey, bald and hunky stranger
Rejuvenate my life!

And then I’ll have some lawyers
We can play with their balls
A game inside the Gardens
Or Giroud’s ‘arsenal’

A lustful time with Anri
And even poor Oto
Then quickies with a busker
Just blow my flute and go

🎺 🎺 🎺

Hey play sufferer, the full nudity is I
Hey John Worrington, babies are made tonight
Hey Tim, Ellie, Jack, I’ll be your tantric guide
There is no need to wash our hands
Cold toilet rolls suffice!

Hey ex-ballet girl, I want a piece of your butt
Hey plant slaughterer, sow me with your big nut
Hey poo from the zoo, with cubic beads we’ll play
So lacquer me like a settee
And let’s lay in some hay

Hey bird, place your face down by my Boeing gate
Hey board, refresh me, auto reload my page
Hey Jan, lick my block, let’s invite Massiel
Let’s rumble in potato chips
And then I’ll say farewell

Maxi & Chris Garden Watching Eurovision 1989 During Their Post-Eurovision Career

Based on Maxi & Chris Garden — Frieden für die Teddybär'n (German NF 1987)

1989 would become known for marking the beginning of the end for the Communist bloc
In hiding went all six members of the band Riva as they were far from being adored

Schweizers thought: ‘Don’t need a trimmer, let the hosts talk for a week’
Plastic monster Lolita tuned out when Jacques said ‘Buna notg’
Whining: ‘Why aren’t we in Bern? It just doesn’t feel quite right!’
Well, you’ve ended up in hell, wherein no nine points apply
And the zwölf, fault, twelve are divine

See just how little we’re caring, yet somehow we just can’t stop staring
Nino doesn’t make eye contact, but Nina hissed and joined those who made an impact
We just find ourselves despairing, we’d rather watch non-stop childbearing
Da Vinci needs to disappear in a way very cruel, we sure picture it vividly

Steady swearing, not so endearing, is heard all over Lausanne
Talk of the town is unclear but it can be heard in Cannes
Everywhere the same gossip goes: Forstner is a dick, oh well
Ingeborg had kissed Fani; wanted Yiannis expelled
Pan has scurf, baldness amplified

See just how little we’re caring, yet somehow we just can’t stop staring
The Swiss director must be sacked! Decent cues all purloined, Swiss mountain shots intact
How is this programme still airing? It’s past eleven, stop the blaring
Unsteady Guy Tell counts to three. Oh my God what a fool, he must become an amputee!

We skip the voting as we bark; it is something we coined, and it pays extra Mark
Peeing on our client’s hair, as we hear Riva win, unfair!
It should have been us, we’re sincere! Please can we overrule the injustice, it’s too severe!

Maxi & Chris Garden’s Post-Eurovision Career

Based on Germany 1988
Maxi & Chris Garden — Lied für einen Freund

We look all sweet and big
We know we do
We seem like we want glee
As we want to
Fuck you

We can come to your house
You are our Duke
You can be our Third Reich
Until we puke

And so with you
A threesome treat is like a joint
We really do
Want to undrape at any cost
When you are nursed, let us know
We'll take things slow

Loins set aflame for you
Flee and join our party
Coins are nice but we strongly advise
MasterCard or alike

A wig incurs a fee
As does a meal
Talk is cheap but it's linked
To our gag rule

Just know our view
We're not inbreeders nor disjoint
We need this too
But keep in mind for your next call
When you put down enough dough
We can be though

Waiting for a Prick to Come

Based on Albania 2006
Luiz Ejlli — Zjarr e ftohtë

[Dial-up internet sounds while Luiz gums some plums]

Shaped like saveloy
Sent to the furthest reaches
But... here in Sukth
Shipping sucks

Need that slender pole
For many moons I seek it
That mighty mushroomoid?

Why did I trust that pop-up?
Claimed it would come soon
Sailing through customs checks they swore
But then came bleeding Brexit! Gets me so annoyed
My package stuck in Twatt – can’t take much more!

I need a little prick, that is all
You'd never need a big one
Any knock at the door
You should see the speed I run at

Waiting for <cough> <cough> cure
But for months they’ve not delivered
Wait – that car’s new... is it possible that’s them?!?!

(Tappy, tappy, we should ring his bell)
(Tinkle, tinkle, oh... ding dong)
(Our friend in the clouds says that you’ll burn in Hell!!!)
(Unless you love Jesus... and Måns Zelmerlöw)

Didn’t order god
God knows there's no such thing as Måns
So please... get lost

You've dashed my hopes with Jesus
That’s not what I want!
Unless he’s got a big Johnson

...and Johnson ready for me
Shoot me with that load!
But since you’re preachers, I should shut the door

I need a rigid poke... in my arm
I’d take one up the pooper!
Been alone for so long
Intercoursing with my Roomba

Stood before two big clots
Maybe beggars can’t be choosers...
<Sigh>, come on through
Guess 5 minutes I can spare...

[Homoerotic conversion montage]

[JWs show Luiz their Watchtowers]

Arousing undertones (haah... ooh haah...)
Of the tomes (haah... ooh haah! ooh...)
Left me blown (He’s engorged with the lord!)

But who’s at the door again?!

Weekly shop, still no shot (vegetables)
Soon in my mouth, cucumbers
Please unload all you’ve got
I’m also a huge gourd guzzler

Out of stock?! What a shock (terrible!)
But there’s been a substitution
Veggies removed, swapped for dildos
Like I prayed!

Country Walk

Based on North Macedonia 2021
Vasil — Here I Stand

Urban life surrounded by tarmac
Grim outlook on cars and grey smokestacks
Twelve hours a day working from home
Existence in monochrome

And so armed with our phones to guide us
And printed out instructions
We had planned a lovely day
Our country walk
The perfect blend
Hour out of town, joined by closest friends
Flatmate Ellie
And my co-worker Tim, his gay friend Jack
Genial atmosphere

(Oh no)

No one mentioned blisters (Very painful)
Or Tim's unpleasant sisters (Go away!)
Cheeks are stabbed by driving rain (Moistened trousers start to chafe)
(Ew cow pat!)
Nervous breakdown. Adrift in moorlands
(Ellie has betrayed us - we got lost)
(She failed to navigate us - where'd Jack go?)
(Jesus Christ we've lost the gay!)

There are times I lie awake at night
And all I see is stiles
And sheep poo

(Socks still stained with grey pus)
(Head torches were superfluous)
(So sorry - I've plans next Sunday)

Road Trip! WOOO!

Based on Ukraine 2021
Go_A — Shum

Stuck inside for fifteen months now
I need a vacation
Hop into my red Corolla,
Drive across the nation
Find a friend or two to join me
(We’re all vaccinated)
From DC to Sacramento,
COVID has abated!

Hit the road now, driving through Virginia
Jason joins me, and my gal pal Linda
Driving, driving, driving, driving up Appalachians
Seeing, seeing, seeing, seeing many locations

West Virginia and Ohio
Pretty but quite boring
We hit the accelerator
Down the road we’re soaring
Make a stop in Indiana
At a bed & breakfast
(We’ve got a long drive tomorrow,
wanna look our freshest)

Illinois now, St. Louis it beckons
We swap drivers, Linda does these sections
Cruising, cruising, cruising, cruising right through Missouri
Stop again in Kansas City, we’re in no hurry!

It’s our third day, cornfields and nothing more
Flat as Kansas, nothing here to explore
Blasting Ukrainian techno on our stereo
Songs that keep our hearts a-pumpin’, now on to Pueblo!

It’s day 4 and Jason’s driving
As we hit the Rockies
Moving so fast we see nothing
Who gave him the car keys?
Single lane in both directions
He’s passing a semi
Linda and I exchange glances
Will this be how we die?

Mount Shavano looking down upon us
Enjoy the view while we are still conscious
Blasting, blasting, blasting, blasting Zitti e Buoni…
“Dammit, dammit, dammit, Jason, watch out for that tree!”

He avoids it, nervous laugh, he slows down
Round a corner, see a car that broke down
Blocking both lanes! Stop this car now! Instead we’re swerving
Falling, falling, falling, falling, off of a cliff. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!


Based on Switzerland 1981
Peter, Sue & Marc — Io senza te

Laying on the white bed
Feel my teardrops grow
As the doctors told me
It's your time to go

Thought we had a lifetime
It was just a hope
Now I have to somehow
Live my life without you

I will miss you so
When you are gone
I shall cry a lifetime
And never forget

How can I go on?
Okay I might
Our years together
Frankly, were so-so

Now I can remember
How you made me sad
Once you stole my treadmill
Never gave it back

All the times you hurt me
Treated me like scum
Made me soggy pancakes
Broke my heart in two

Kindly rot in hell
(Kindly rot in hell)
I hope you’ll smell
(I hope you smell)
May you always suffer, and
Then burn so well
(In hellfire, yeah)

Worms will eat your face
Won’t miss your gaze
(Or stupid name)
You evil cretin
Soon you’ll be dead

May you rot in hell…

Worms eat your face…


Time to say farewell
Fat piece of pelt
(Fat piece of pelt)
Your time has come now
To face the end

Though once you were my
Lil’ hamster friend


Based on Ukraine 2021
Go_A — Shum

Every time I leave my house, I'm filled with fear and loathing
Will they be there on the corner, dressed in shabby clothing?
Homeless people aren't so bad, I find them rather funny,
I just hate musicians playing in the street for money.

Anger rising, patience being tested
I would like to see them all arrested
Playing, playing, playing, playing instruments at me
Failing, failing, failing, failing, they don’t impress me.


Barely stepped outside, I see a dirty violinist
In the park is perched a rather threatening-looking cellist
When I reach my office, there's a drummer in the lobby
Why can't all these people find a less intrusive hobby?

No no no no, I find to my horror
There's a flautist hiding in my desk drawer
"Hey you, hey you, hey you, hey you, stop it!" I hiss, and
Spray her, spray her, spray her, spray her, with a plant mister.

Busy morning, trying to forget this
But I hear a distant clarinetist
Where, oh where, oh where, oh where? My life is so unfair
Tell my boss I'm going home to sleep off this nightmare.



Help me someone, help me someone, can't you see what I see?
Why does no-one notice there's an orchestra behind me?
People stare as I run past, but only hear my screaming
Is the music just for me or am I only dreaming?

In my house I can't believe I'm seeing
A trombonist hanging from my ceiling
Pray, I pray, I pray, I pray, it's fiction not fact and
Run upstairs and in my room, and try to relax, but

No no no no, someone’s in my bedroom
A guitarist brandishing a plectrum
"So you, so you, so you, so you, thought you'd escape us?
Now you'll see what happens when you don't respect buskers…"


Convectional Rainfall

Based on France 1992
Kali — Monté la riviè

Convectional rainfall

Occurs when moist earth absorbs heat
Evaporates up
And cools as it expands
Condenses as raindrops
In mid altitude

Can come down each day in Tonga,
Grand Cayman, Luzon
And other warm seas and
Heat is a must
As I'll demonstrate next

But your European latitude
Is too temperate
You can never have
Convectional rainfall

You may be upset you won't see
Such phenomena
But soon, do not despair
Convectional rainfall
Could be made at home

To start, just let cool air go in
The freezer may open
Or air conditioner
Keep a heated up bath
And drench some rags wet

Your toaster can thermal-radiate
If set to setting eight
To help evaporate
And leave it to fume
Then observe the clouds build, please
Don't tell that it failed
Wait, wait wait -
It rains in your living room!

🌧️ 🌧️ 🌧️

Convectional rainfall

⛈️ ⛈️ ⛈️

Is formed with a roaring thunder
Electric hazard, high intensity, yeah

Convectional rainfall

If you like to watch, a jacket
And an umbrella's a necessity, yeah

Convectional rainfall

Has made your house wet and messy
Gushed through to the flats
Downstairs, they will complain
Irreparably washed your carpet
And decimated your lacquered settee, yeah
I hope you have comprehensive insurance for that
Or else, at least you've had
Convectional rainfall

Handwashing II

Based on Hungary 2013
ByeAlex — Kedvesem (Zoohacker Remix)

I was younger then
The awkward lanky kid
Neurotic clean-obsessive
No friends and long-term unemployed
My youth was scrubbed away by my handwashing
Compulsive handwashing

When we met last time
I drove into a ditch
Got pulled out of the wreckage
Lying with broken ankle
Someone came to me, my expert clinician
A cute Hungarian

… named Agnes

Step-by-step she became my friend
She became my friend and
Day-by-day I got well again
I got well again
She taught me not to fear all that life can bring
All that life can bring and
Use my hands to do dirty things
To do dirty things

… we found love

Now it’s Agnes, me and one five-year-old kid
Relaxing at the beach
We build sandcastles, eat a picnic
I high-five with no more thoughts of handwashing
Too busy go-karting

At the swimming pool I dive straight in there
Fearless at the soft play centre
Moulding snowballs
Dodging paintballs
Baking using fingers without cleansing them

… and then the virus came

Now they say: HANDS, FACE, SPACE
You must wash your hands
Always wash your hands
Use alcohol against contagion
Against contagion
We take life in our hands when we touch someone
When we touch someone
My only thought, to get clean again
To get clean again

“Where’s my gel?”

Stepping back to my anxious place
To my anxious place, I’m
Feeling like all my work’s undone
Yet there’s worse to come

They say Covid-19 was an airborne thing
Was an airborne thing and
Hand hygiene was a waste of time
Was a waste of time

Fuck my life