Antique’s Roadshow

Based on Greece 2005
Elena Paparizou — My Number One

Awesome wonders
Flood my cupboards
Years of rescued crap from Eurovision dumpsters

Paola slippers
Senhit stickers
Nearly mint, one skidmark only, Lindfors’ knickers

Eamonn’s mullet
Fanny magnet
Best of Scooch cassette, the black box still protects it

Kathy Kirby
I hate my collection and I need an exit

Please buy my trunk
Of old Antique junk
Just don’t tell Nikos I flogged his scraps

I sell his stuff
He gets in a huff
Can’t move for bouzoukis crapping up my loft

Blas piñata
“You’re my number two” card that I made for Chiara :(

[Fiddling in drawers]

Lordi’s bible
Massiel’s bridle
N’evergreen’s, until it rolled off, one glass eyeball

Prop AIDS ribbon
Mitt Liv mitten
Gagnamagnið masks, original condition

Roman beanie
Sheer bikini
Someone binned this urn, it smells like Ulla Wiesner

France Gall lolly
Blow-up Zoli
Alma Čardžić light, it turns into Katrina

Please buy this crud
It’s too rare to chuck
Can’t bin a Bob Benny bobblehead

New auction up
Hope fights won’t erupt
For the Kesslers’ nudes, they were shot just last month

Suntribe mufflers
Brokken rubbers
From that dodgy batch where Douwe Bob bought hundreds

[Lots happening]

Wow, what a fudge
This shite wouldn’t budge
Only Kovač bid for Kempers’ pants

Barely a crumb
For Smolova’s mum
Decades of collecting and it’s all worth bum

Guess I’ll shuffle
My junk jungle
Back up to the attic till the ceilings buckle

Fish for Dinner

Based on Estonia 1996
Maarja-Liis Ilus and Ivo Linna — Kaelakee hääl

Just so you know, that the house
Is beautiful and sparkling
Kitchen floor is pristine
Mopping since five a.m., tonight: bouillabaise
Please stew, and keep the house clean

I cannot be bothered
With her stupid cleanliness rules
Wash cod in the shower
Marinate haddock down the loo

God’s sake, I just got home and see
Scaly skin on couches
Is he taking the piss?
Dover sole’s draped on boiler, such a bastard
Squid smeared on TV screen

Ha! Also put plaice heads
In the duvet where we sleep, yeah
Sewed prawns into curtains
Hilarious deeds indeed

Langoustines, stuffed down sofa
And some disgusting footprints
There on clean kitchen floor
I get he may be pissed off
But this revenge
Is really over the top

Argh, argh, argh argh
[A fish fight ensues]
Argh, argh argh argh
[A passionate kiss, covered in grossness]
Ohhh ohh ohh ohh
Ooh ooh, oh oh

Fish all over apartment
Quite the turn-on
Let’s make some marie rose sauce
Cook all the stupid fish, get back together
Change sheets and let this exhaust

I was wrong, you were right, but all the fish guts were just a bit extreme
Have dirty make up sex now, got some lube here: red mullet intestine

No need to waste the fish, plus never realised
The fun one can have with prawns


Based on Poland 1994
Edyta Gorniak — To nie ja!

Was the year when it all started
Born with two Dutch parents
Who in fact preferred a dog

Married just to feel bourgeois
Could not keep their girl quiet
Et là, outside Brussels, in their château
They made plans

Tonia could not lay low
Tonia was in the know
Her room in Anderlecht
Became blessed, her safe nest
For as long as she kept to herself

Tonia always tiptoed
Tonia was a shadow
But one day she would win
Tonia, Tonia, would shine at the big stage

Soon though she’d cause mayhem
Used force to beat those in her age group
A star! From Lisboa to Winnetka! You just watch!

Tonia knew where to go
Tonia lived by her code
Walloons had a request
Take a guess
She said yes
Had forgotten all about… Them!

Father did nothing but yell
Mother implored her to excel
Once she got to Luxembourg, then
She had to win or face hell

(Tonia girded her loins)
(Tonia got 14 points)
No, no, no, no…
(Tonia tried to return*)
(Tonia was taciturn)
No, no, no, no… :(


[* With a song about… a dog.]

The Van

Based on Finland 1996
Jasmine — Niin kaunis on taivas

When fall turns to winter, I think of how
on weekdays you would wake up just before the dawn.
Your wrinkled forehead, it was mom and dad.
Smell of air fresh’ner in your van.

You just took me in, made me your beloved son.
Found me in a bin, instantly you promised me:
“I will treat you well, for a name I’ll call you Ben”
“Won’t make you feel alone, again.”

You’d pour wine in a glass, spare all the food.
Your love would make income be just about enough.
People were rude they would ask
“Where’s the dad?”
You would say “Shove it up your ass!”

When I was eighteen, did not have the college funds.
Then you asked me if, teaching is my only dream.
Answered with a tear,
“I’ll go sign the mortgage Ben”
“Just promise me you will dream on, son.”

You hated all liars, told me the truth.
Explained things when I was four, just a little man.
Don’t care who brought me to life you’re my mom.
I smile, my children call you “gran”.

I hope you felt my love, as years would go by.
As life sucks us all in an endless hurricane.
Phone rang the nurse shouted
“Quick, it’s your mom!”

“Please let go now of my hand”
“We’re all dust in the sand”
“Ben, keep driving the van…”

Charity Worker

Based on Portugal 2008
Vânia Fernandes  — Senhora do mar (Negras águas)

“Save Orangutans”
Empty words (with vague disclaimers)…
On the main drag, aiming for people with cash
Desperate, and in my hands is a clipboard
It’s for charity

Soon it’s apparent
Obvious, seems you’re all so suspicious
Shamelessly mad, I see this could fail..
On my heart, you must believe me!
I’ve a card machine

I read in a mag, it’s
Borneo and Sumatra
Where the last of these “baboons” survive

We won't give a dime
And what's more, Don't you know, without dough
We think you're a sham! They'll all die!
Aren't you aware, even now,
They're so rare!

So fill up my jar !
*shakes jar, enticingly*

“Penguins Will Die”
My other big, pavement dosh
There it sits, seducing crowds of my victims
A cute bird plushie

I read that by August,
All of the male ones
Swim out in the cold and die

Oh surely you lie!
Without a sound
Yeah, they just drown
This is so fowl!
Not allowed! They try to swim to ground
Shut this bitch down!
But they die out at sea!
We get it, we get it, call the police!

I made this up, yes!
All this rubbish
Don’t care that it’s just all a lie!

Secure her arms tight!
Her legs, her head, hold her down! Oh let me go, I've got things to buy!
Take this disgusting woman away! Stealing earns me a trip to Dubai

And soon a ... new car!
Get the feathers and tar!

Tory Losses

Based on Belgium 2008
Ishtar — O julissi

Lia Nici lost in Grimsby
Lib Dem gains in Frome and Eastleigh
And Scunthorpe jilted Holly Mumby
Ben Fletcher fell short in Crewe

They let rivers fill with brown poop
So the voters pooped on Mag Throup
Poor Ranil Jayawardena
Now has to find a new job too

In Devon, Iain Liddell-Grainger (Minehead said "Nah!")
And northern Norfolk, Duncan Baker (locals said "Blah!")
Andrea Jenkyns, Heather Wheeler (we don't want ya)
A.N.M.E. went S.N.P.

Foodbank-lover Sheryll Murray
Lord and Richardson in Surrey
And folk in Mansfield gave Ben Bradley
A middle-finger adieu

Jack Lopresti, Andrew Selous
Darren Henry, Peter Aldous
Sorrow for Maria Miller
Grant Shapps was dumped for someone new

Liz Truss's loss filled us with laughter (hah hah hah hah)
Enormous swing from Con to Labour (biggest ever)
The iceberg lettuce leaves outlast her (more fresh by far)
Mercer: yippee!! Brought to his knees

Rehman Chishti lost quite clearly
Rees-Mogg: Brexit cost him dearly
And down in Hitchin, Afolami
Jon Gullis really got screwed

Turnip-eater Thérèse Coffey:
OnlyFans now beckons 'cos she
Has lost her income as an M.P.
She'll strip with Mordaunt for a fee

Years of Tory horror…
Foolish Kwasi cost us money
D-Day: Rishi went home early
Bad Boris hosted Covid parties
Neil Parish: tractor abuse

Downing Street now home of Keir, Reeves
Angie Rayner on Bacardi
But if you let us down severely
We're gonna get rid of you

Insert Text Here

Based on Switzerland 2009
Lovebugs — The Highest Heights

Esse cillum
Deserunt id
Anim est laborum
Liber tempor
Nam et harum
Nobis soluta cum

Aliquip ex
Est commodo
Velit ullamco
Facilis est
Er expedit

Lorem ipsum dolor sit
Deserunt anim mollit
Id est

Eu fugiat
Disti facer
Qui facilis est
Sunt in culpa er
Do eiusmod

Lorem ipsum dolor sit
Deserunt anim mollit
Id est

Sed eiusmod tempor
Duis irure dolor
Lorem ipsum

Lorem ipsum dolor consectetur
Ut enim ad minim quis excepteur
Aliquip in commodo consequat
Sunt in sint occaecat cupidatat

Lorem ipsum dolor sit
(Lorem ipsum dolor consectetur)
(Ut enim ad minim quis excepteur)
Deserunt anim mollit
(Aliquip in commodo consequat)
Id est
(Sunt in sint occaecat cupidatat)
Lorem ipsum

Ethiopian Time

Based on Greece 2016
Argo — Utopian Land


We are proud Ethiopians
Did you know, we've thirteen months?
We are proud Ethiopians
Come and live Ethiopian time

In our country well the year is 2016
Because our calendar is different to the rest, see

There's 30 days, in almost all our months
Except the last one, which just has five (or six)

and we celebrate on 9/11 here
Muslim Africans, and all of us - it's our New Year
We gave a passport to Nelson Mandela
Crowned the messiah of the Rastafari - yeah

And the Ark of the Covenant
is under our protection
We have never been colonised
Though they tried (the Italians once)

Keep up
Midday is 6pm
And Midnight is 6am 'cos
We count our time from dawn to dusk
And our capital, we call it Addis Ababa
Above sea level the most in all of Africa

Obsolete, is your so-called '5G' here
Life is sweet for us way back living in yesteryear
That doesn't mean we don't look to what will come
Let us explain what brings us anticipation

Soon we'll see the Remainers win
Celebrate defeat of Trump
We will watch many Weinstein films
Can't wait to see how Game of Thrones ends

He'll soon step down, the Pres. of China Xi Jinping
(Xi Jinping Xi Jinping) Xi Jinping
Malena's daughter will focus on education
The world will not shut down
from now to 2021

ESC: only good will come
Except for poor Portugal
War will not have an influence
UK won't have their microphone stole

We will see a kinetic sun
It will turn without problem
EBU will do nothing wrong
No one will be disqualified, right?

Faulty Keyboard

Based on Poland 2006
Ich Troje feat. Real McCoy — Follow My Heart

(They’ve transcribed these songs
A little bit wrong)
Just one letter out
An error, no doubt

Austria – Kaleen is in a Cave
Latvia – will Follow all the way
And Luna – subterranean lakes
Have One Blond needing The Towel
Isaak is now Always on the Nun
The twins say she’s Nunforgettable
It seems that she’s disapproving of
France singing about ‘Man Amour’

Ireland’s song, Doomsday Blur, rocks,
Slovenia’s Veronicas sounds more pop
Marina sings of Japan (had to check)
Like Denmark, Zard is a BAND

Finland can’t find Mules, but Silvester sees Elk
A Croatian Ram has arrived now as well
In their search for a meal Gåte won’t get far
So they’ll Halve a ham from the Özünlə Spar

(Because of this cull
A really bad call
5Miinust eat (gull))

Albania enjoy a renaissance
And Titian inspires other songs
Now Silia wants to learn King Lear
Before Mustii’s Part is Over
Lanora and Jago form a pact
Then Korra and Lizzy join their act
Megara have followed binary code
Their song is now called Fifteen, but

Seems Nemo wasn’t quite so fortunate
‘The Chode’ a title most impertinent
Still, that’s not where the crude changes end
Cause there’s ‘In the Piddle’ and ‘Poop’

The faulty keyboard means that occasionally
The wrong letter count exceeds just two or three
We’ve a Czechian Pedestrian, Israel’s Harry Kane
And Serbia’s Raymondo can’t fix it again

Think Mother Teresa joined the Mafia
Call the Europopo to ease our worst fears
Could be worse, Hera Björk appears Scared of Tights
And Tighter is sad now Nutsa Firetights

Where’s Portugal gone?
(Thought we were all done)
Why’s she not inside?
Greta’s sitting out!

Bake Off

Based on Portugal 1982
Doce — Bem bom

Bake! Bake! Bake! Bake!

Wakey, wakey, wakey, eggs, eggs, eggs and bakey
Flour up your fingers, stop your hands from shaking
Surely you have heard the winner really bakes it all?
Some say it's the greatest hobby, but it makes my brain go foggy
How the hell do you get lady fingers soggy?

Ready set and bake, hey, Bake Off
Do you like my cakes, Bake Off
They are fluff and moist, hey, Bake Off
Taste them and rejoice! Bake Off
Butter up my bowl, hey, Bake Off
Eat the donut hole, Bake Off
Go ganache your buns, hey, Bake Off
Activate your tongues, Bake Off
Innuendo, saucy pun
Served up straight outta the oven, hon
Bake Off

Hearing the clock tick, you know it's all or muffin
Better check the pastry, give it a good stuffing
Do make sure it all makes for a proper forking
Careful cause Paul gets solemn, doesn't want a soggy bottom
When he goes and takes a dive in your Pavlova

Must give it a try, hey, Bake Off
Munch the mincey pie, Bake Off
Busy with your baps? Hey, Bake Off
Give them proper snaps, Bake Off
Lick a spotted dick, hey, Bake Off
It is worth the whisk, Bake Off
Underbaked or raw, hey, Bake Off
Not for this croissant, Bake Off
If you want a saucy pun
There is only one show for you, hon!

Playing with your dough, hey, Bake Off
Conjure a gateau, Bake Off
Fill it up with cream, hey, Bake Off
Dripping at the seams, Bake Off
Add a spot of booze, hey, Bake Off
Croque it in your bouche, Bake Off
Biscuits are erect, hey, Bake Off
Now present your cracks, Bake Off
Innuendo, saucy puns
Sue and Mel, forever number ones
Bake Off, hey!