Change the Rules

Based on Portugal NF 1983
Tessa — Ave do Paraiso (live version)

While we keep the same two winners
Every year now
Only few of roughly nineteen
It’s upsetting for new authors
Reason to depart
I would appeal you to be kinder
Andy, do your part
You’ll amend your regulations
Granting a wildcard
To some entries that meet my demands
It would make the final bigger, less a private club
I’ll respect any decision
(well, as long as the changes comply with the below)

Every song that has a picture of Carola
Gerard Joling, STDs, or Mikimaous
From Marples to paparazzi, people out of fucks
Songs with Grindrs and sweet kingdoms
White police brutal
If there’s strizza or a schnitzel
Google Translate fail
Any Hate Song for Thatcher as well
Votes and honeys, songs about Ukraine, or mock a %?troll.”@#
There’s Del Bo with Twitter format
(we cannot afford losing another such AL)

Freak Chiaras (song with same Maltese original)
Any lyric somewhat vulgar
Though Corinna’s review would make anything anal
The whore

Eurovision Squid Game 2

Based on Norway 1971
Hanne Krogh — Lykken er

Eurovision Squid Game 2
Lots of prizes just for you
And if Lady Luck’s on your side then
Maybe you won’t die
Ready to start? Let’s go!

If the giant doll-like bot
Sees you moving, you’ll get shot
When she’s singing “Shiru” make haste
There’s no time to waste
But when she shuts up, keep still!

If you’ve made it this far, you’re still living
And we have another game for you
But the rules for this aren’t forgiving
Try to pay attention, here’s game two:

If you break your candy shape
You will be shot in the face
Will your shape be Toto Cutugno?
Maybe Modugno?
Will it be Sarah Bray?

(If you’ve seen the Netflix show
Then you will already know
Actually the number of games
Was small, so I’ll make one up
To pad out a verse)

Maybe there’s a great big fight?
In the middle of the night?
Beating up a man through and through is
Sophia Vossou
Using a saxophone

Now what shall we play next?
Tug of war? Yes,
Try to drag Chiara with your rope
Also on her team’s Axel Hirsoux
Will you overpower them? Well, nope.

Marbles are extremely lame
Let’s invent a different game
Run away from Stefán and Eyfi
They want to knife you
Isn’t that much more fun?

Finally, as you know well
You must face the tentacles
Of the fearsome Squid Game controller
It’s SquidCarola
So this may be farewell 🙁

What the hell, are you still here?
Only bleeding from one ear?
Obviously it was a breeze
we made it too easy
See you again
Next year.

Spoiler Alert

Based on Ireland 1969
Muriel Day — The Wages of Love

Books and films are neat, but I must know the end
If they are too long, it drives me round the bend
One thing makes me laugh
One thing makes me high
Before you get a chance to enjoy it
I will spoil the plot, just to make you cry

The Planet of the Apes? It’s Mars
Rosebud was Kane’s pet jaguar
And the Titanic safely crossed incident-free, oh yeah

Soylent Green is made from eggs and clay
(What’d she say?)
Harry Potter’s evil twin is gay
(He’s not gay!)
And when I give the game away
It can’t be undone
I really do love
To spoil your fun

I’ve seen all the films, read every book, my friend
Yes, I know for sure how every one will end
I have all the facts
Even if I sometimes
Get the details in a muddle
Or a little rough – sure, I’m close enough

Darth Vader’s son is Mr Spock
And Babe the pig becomes pork chops
Princess Fiona has a cock
Down to her knees, I swear

And that film where Brad Pitt shouts a lot?
(God he’s hot)
You would never guess the final shock
(Real sexpot)
And he’s like “hey, what’s in the box?”
The spoiler is this:
It’s actually his
It’s full of his jizz

Spoilers galore! And if you’re cross
(Yes we’re cross)
I simply couldn’t give a toss
(Really cross)
I’ve saved the best one until last
I’m full of glee!

Fire Saga don’t get any twelves
(Not one twelve?)
Everyone is killed by magic spells
(Blame themselves)
Someone forgot to pay the elves
To bring them good luck

But one thing’s a plus:
No sequel, thank fuck.

Georgian for Beginners

Based on Ukraine 2007
Verka Serduchka — Dancing Lasha Tumbai

Hello everybody!
My name is Sopho Sophshvili
You Georgian want to learn?!
I will teach!

Squiggle squiggle funny curl
Squiggle squiggle line line
Squiggle squiggle manic whirl
Line, sign, twine

Squiggle squiggle twisted curve
Squiggle squiggle fine line
Squiggle squiggle tangled swerve
Then line, sign, twine

Write it!

So easy, huh?
(Oh-oh oh-oh)

Squiggle squiggle drunken snake
Squiggle squiggle twined vine
Squiggle wiggle phallic shape
Entwined vine, line

Squiggle squiggle drunken snake
Scribble scribble line line
Squiggle squiggle shake and bake
Then line, sign, twine

Write it!

How much letters we got?
No no no

This one is called ani
This one is called bani
This one is called ghani
This one looks like… ჯ
A flower?

Now try to say: Q’vaviloba 🌺
Now try to say: Mzesumzira 🌻
Now try to say: Tskhvris para 🐑
Our alphabet’s…


Your dad is called mama
Your mum is called deda
Your sister’s called just da
This bird is called…

Plamingo 🦩

Now try to say: Gvprtskvni 🍌
Now try to say: Mtsvrtneli 🏋🏽
Now try to say: Gvbrdghvni 📆
Now learn to say…

Tsek’va! 💃🏽

Students, students
Listen now
Gather round

Are you ready for next step?
(Hmm, no?)
Now we move on to the next step!
(Wait, no!)






OK, graduate

Confirm You’re Not a Robot

Based on Malta 1972
Helen and Joseph — L-imħabba

If we should deem you as non-synthetic
You may submit this form with success
But first you have to tick off this CAPTCHA
You’ll be through in five seconds or less

“I’m not a bot”? That’s not sufficient
Do you just take the piss? Bots would for sure say this!
But we could tell you’re no impostor
If you can answer this test, for biological brains:

To start, just type in these scrambled letters
(it’s Assamese script, green over lime)
Look at this car park, touch every square that
Contains cars made in May ’89

Machine techniques are changing so swiftly
We must succeed at beating their game
This test deceives their main algorithm
And helps us clamp down on their false claims

Next picture: Which PM is missing?
(our new hypothesis: bots suck at politics)
Now count the birds you see on Rockall
(leave out all puffins and cranes, or bits that Norway still claims)

Two thousand ninety-one altogether?
Impressively, that’s perfectly right!
So right, in fact, that now we’re uncertain
Forget that! Next up, aural exam:


This instrumental you’ve just listened
Has trumpets in the mix. But were there two or six?
What did they say in that faint vocal?
What was the instrument range? And can you find the key change?

We’re still not satisfied you’re biotic
But there’s still one way we’d be convinced:
Simply upload a selfie, then our bots
Use recognition* to let you in!

(*works only if you’re male, white and cis)


Based on Azerbaijan 2013
Farid Mammadov — Hold Me

Should have been suspicious when I saw it 🧐
Should have had the sense that I’d got something wrong ❌
It was looking greener than expected 🟢
No text on the page 📄
Just basil and sage 🍃

An innocent typo ⌨️
My finger slipped and when I looked around 👀
My writing aid was nowhere to be found 😕
I searched for some verbs 🔎
I only got herbs 🪴

ThymeZone 🌿
It’s not RhymeZone 🚫
No lyric hints – only parsley and mint ⁉️

My, how it beguiled, though 🥰
So I crafted some songs 🎶
With a plant lexicon 📖
Called ThymeZone 🌿

“Dill-e que la quiero”? Could be better 🤔
“One Step Out Of Thyme” felt to me rather obvious 🤷‍♀️
“Fennel en aarde”? An improvement 💪
“Celery est cadeau” 😊
“Better The Chervil You Know” 🤩

ThymeZone 🌿
Left my mind blown 🤯
Made every line aromatic, divine 🥗

“Djambo Oregano” 🎋
“Only Lovage Survives” 🌳
“Get A Life – Get A Chive” 🌱

But soon I couldn’t stop the puns 🤡
Compulsion grew, my mind was gone 🤪
“Tarragon är en annan dag” …oh no 😬

“Ime cilantropos ki ego” 😒
“Bay After Bay”, “Mintention”, “Grow” 😵
“Je vais me marier, Marjoram” 🥴
“Rosemary Ann” 😱

ThymeZone 🌿
That one typo 💻
Destroyed my soul 💔
Made me lose all control 🎮

ThymeZone 🌿
Sent me psycho 🤬
Shot a mall up with rage 🔫
Landed on the front page 📰

Of CrimeZone 👮🚨

28 March 1996

Based on Greece 1998
Thalassa — Mia krifi evesthisia

Germany has not qualified
Not among the twenty-two
Leon’s long-play cassette tape
Thrown away. Did not meet juries’
Expectations. Now he’s been shunned

Four points short. What were they thinking putting Sveta Ljubav through?
‘Her voice soared’ – Are you kidding me? It plateaued. Musically: pooh!
Contemptible. Despicable

Fortuna was cast aside for Sjúbídú
Thought Kun med dig was good? Experts said no. Preferred Del Bo
Dan Ar Braz brought nasty sounding Celtic flutes
Somehow that one got through
But not Shalom Olam

Germany has not qualified
Nor our Anghel, Monica
TV ratings now will collapse
It’s a fact. Grup Sincron
Was a big draw. Now the show’s flawed

Kým nás máš? That poxy bland mid-tempo tune?
Viewers won’t be enthused, although his coat deserves a vote
Samo Ti. Cute jazzy song crashed out too soon
(Met with joy in Corfu)
Hard luck. Not in the show

Ya eto ya
Unworthy of the EBU
Litigation ensues
Prelims by audio shall be scrapped

Where Are We Going?

Based on Ukraine 2020
Go_A — Solovey

Twenty twenty-two, Torino
TikTok Jesus, Spain in SloMo
Mika, Laura, Hold me closer*

*That’s the way to do green screen

Konstrakta not health-insured
Wolves, bananas, heaps of fun
Motor failure, static sun

Juries send the SPACE MAN far
Televotes: “STEFANIA!”
Touching solidarity
With the global refugee

Hosting will be controversial
Present outlook dodgy-as-hell
Not the time for losing morale
Wait for Mister Österdahl…

E.S.C. Twenty-three:
Kyiv you’re not good to go
Whilst we all stand with the cause
Don’t fancy a conflict zone
Now plan B… B.B.C.?
Brits are well-known for fair play
We’re sure they’ll be supportive


How to pack for British weather?
Glasgow, Belfast, Fuck-where-chester
Cardiff, London, Liverpool
Not too fussed, we like them all
Who knows what will be next year?
Fuck it, I could kill a beer
Need a bed and need a bar
All I know, we’ve come far…

This place isn’t Heathrow

Who are all these people?


It’s okay, it’s U.K.
Well, not quite, but thereabouts
Whilst we all stand with the cause
Maybe you’re not white enough
Some get praised on our stage
While you get deported
Local press is less than free
Your plight won’t be reported
Castaway cast away
Who decides what’s ethical?
Loyal to our heritage
Trading human cargo
Flight’s one-way, here you’ll stay
Your new life is sorted
Kind regards from the U.K.

Humanity exported

All Out of Fucks

Based on Iceland 1999
Selma — All Out of Luck

It started on Sunday
But not just that one day
Unfortunate series of events had all gone before, yeah

I was at a spa date
That regular Sunday
Held open the door for this low-life
He didn’t say thanks
You’ll all regret it

Yes, I know, it might not be too clever
To give this guy all of the blame
A camel’s back will break at some point
And this was the final straw, yeah!

I’m all out of fucks
This is me giving up
I’m now letting go of civil obedience
Running amok
And running around
I’ll teach them, oh
I’ll get them back

Yes, I’m all out of fucks
It will all go balls-up
I might put things on the wrong shelf
So don’t whine
Things won’t align
And the shop will be in a right state

‘Cause I’m all out of fucks (ooh-ooh)
I’m all out of fucks
Hey yeah, hey yeah, oh yeah

Pretending to be gay
Go home but the wrong way
To hide all the ashtrays, be a mime
Just sniffing some glue, yeah

I’ll board on the wrong flight
Ask for only the egg white
I’ll sing in a flashlight and sing wrong
While I drive a go-kart, yeah!

I’m all out of fucks
I’ll go swimming with ducks
I’ll say I’m named Joe
The next time it’s Bethany

Pee in a cup
Dress up like a clown
I will eat my kite
Like a snack

Yes, I’m all out of fucks
Coffee from a teacup
Roll up the one sleeve
And one not

It’s a sign
End of the line
Be nice to me
But now it’s too late

And I’m all out of fucks (ooh-ooh)
I’m all out of fucks
Hey yeah, hey yeah, oh yeah
I’m all out of fucks
Hey yeah, hey yeah, oh yeah

Eurovision Everywhere All at Once

Based on Moldova 2022
Zdob și Zdub and Frații Advahov — Trenulețul

Hey ho! Let’s go
Hey ho! Let’s go
Explore and lose control
Free your brain, we present
ESC: the Multiverse

Every action sparks another
Creating a microcosm
Within: each world continues
Parallel yet kept apart

Something lately, something new
Harmed the order, melted glue
Once apart, the worlds collided
And they fused through the borders

OK, let’s go
Our tour through the wormhole
Come with us and be our guest
We’ll traverse the multiverse

On this planet, jury voting
Was corrupt, but still allowed
Singing penis ‘stead of pussy
Citi Zēni made the final

On their stage, the sun turned round
Sasha Bognibov beat us
Mia sang half in Bahasa
And Sam Ryder worked for NASA

Uh-oh let’s go!
On to another world
Malta didn’t change their dirge
But still came in 16th place

Singing Halo
Pia hit most her notes
Keith and Jim were then unmasked
As members of Bobbysocks!

(Stella was the astronaut)

Poor Elina Nechayeva’s
Fall on stage induced a coma
Iceland sent Reykjavíkdætur
Denmark med de hårde drenge

Em’ly Roberts, singing Soap
Learnt the words before the show
And Konstrakta (biti zdrava)
Asked us why Harry’s ginger

Oh no! SloMo
Scandal in Benidorm
Even though Chanel was best
She lost to the giant breast

Goodbye Disko
Outscored by BQL
Poland toned down their attempt
Only used nineteen effects

(Hozier was quite impressed)

Don’t tell Harrow
Surprise in Solna-hall
Anders Bagge left depressed
Linda Bengtzing won Melfest

Say it ain’t so
This one’s unusual
Every country somehow sent
Sara Deop as entrant

On to unknown
So rare this one-off world
Hola mi bébébé
Isn’t stuck in any heads

San Marino
Turns out they ripped the hole
Caused this whole multi-mess
Through the size of their NF

Each place we go
One thing won’t change at all
That Ukraine beat the rest