Based on Switzerland 1992
Daisy Auvray — Mister Music Man
Author: andy
The Dora
Based on Spain 2008
Rodolfo Chikilicuatre — Baila el chiki chiki
El Chiki Chiki was too long ago
I've found a new obsession, a contest full of song
Started in the 90s, twenty-four editions
All made by Hrvatska radio i televizija
With superstars like Teens, Josip Katalenić
And fringe pleather cowgirls - Anita Horvatić
A town by the seaside, the frequent location
It's got just everything that you could possibly imagine
20+ entries, neverending show
Hosting by D. Ćurlić and Mirko Fodor
Nearly living grandpas, songs by Srebrna krila
Scary goth sopranos (she calls herself Nikita)
You will see Nižetić, you might see Verson
Lots of Maja Šuput, sometimes she's in Joy
Dancing by Detour, and Banfić Ivana
Dancing with miss Badrić and Baby Lasagna
Come do the Dora
You do it así:
Uno: El put o raj
Dos: El hotel kvarner
Tres: El tonči huljić
Cuatro: El babylon
HEY
Lots of diacritics, lots of diacritics
A lot of Jacques Houdek, that's quite terrific
A sailor girl with gap teeth is shouting noah noah
A woman comes down on a swing
No more chiki chiki, more like čiki čiki
(It's probably written by Andrej Babić)
I love it when Tajana ad libs "Povedi me", cause
The notes aren't right, but they're there…
The '03 bop from Karma with bronchitis vocals
She harshly hissed at us "Ja te noćas ne dam"
Still it won the semi, then third on the night
But it's with pilot Dea that I wanna to fly
To fly, to fly, to fly
Let’s do the Dora
You do it like this:
Uno: El put o raj
Dos: El hotel kvarner
Tres: El tonči huljić
Cuatro: El babylon
HEY
In 1996 a near big disaster
Could have been the end of the show and Opatija
The pyro went phphlfph, the stage was one fire
But nothing could prevent reprising Maja Blagdan's anthem
Now do the Dora
You do it like this:
Jedan: El put o raj
Dva: El hotel kvarner
Tri: El tonči huljić
Četiri: El babylon
Jedan: El put o raj
Dva: El hotelkvarner
Tri: El tonči huljić
Četiri: El babylon…
...HEY
Airport Blunder
Based on Malta 2002
What Yami said — Seventh Wonder (live version)
7 degrees
In Tallinn I freeze
Longing for the plane to get me out of this hell
But passport guy
He won't let me by
Giving me the eye - You want my CD signed?
The passengers in the queue start to stir
"Yes, it's her!" - hear their sighs:
"The highlight of our lives"
Scan again! Come on, man
Do you not know who I am?
If your records are slow
You can Google me, you know
Check the magazines, messageboards, my six ex-lovers
Search I R A and you get...
...Irish bombers
Ooo... Ooo... Ooo... Ooo... Ooo... Ooo… Ooo…
Oooooops
Surely, you see, terror's not me
The land of Terry Wogan?! That's gotta be myth
Starting to think they'll ask me to strip
Shed my draughty lacey clothes? Can’t they spy through the holes?
The common folk will confirm I'm no joke
For the flight, I'm no risk
There's no need for a frisk!
Do it here? Watcha mean?
I'd prefer behind a screen
Why the 6 pairs of hands
Have you got some naughty plans?
What's with all the probes, periscopes, long gloves of rubber?
And who’s this lady halfway up my vulva?
Now seven creeps are copping a feel
Soon they'll reach my most secret of cavities
You wanna see?
* She lets her pants fall off, impressing the crowd *
I admit for a fact
I store glitter up my twat
It's the latest of trends
Brings vaginal dividends
(Wow, that's magical!) Vagical!
(Can it heal muffs torn asunder?)
It's meant to calm internal winds and thunder
* * * Massive fanny fart spraying everyone with glitter * * *
Unforeseen pussy storm
I've unleashed a glitter bomb!
Took us all by surprise
Shooting sparkles in your eyes
With a glitterous clitoris, fully vajazzled
There's no mistaking I can be none other
(Now we recognise that shimmering gash!)
Queen of crotch-glow
(Who needs passports when she'll give you a flash!)
Ira Losco
Totalled Makeover
Based on Latvia 2004
Fomins & Kleins — Dziesma par laimi
At age 59, I swapped out my wife
For someone much younger with big bouncy breasts
If you’re nouveau-riche, refuse to get hitched
Cos she’ll seek a prenup and then up and leave you
So she got her fingers on shitloads of stuff
Just shy of five million and both my sports cars
It’s crazy how much you are willing to lose
When you’re old and she’s 22
No car and back to square one
All thanks to my trophy wife
She saw me coming
Unloved and underendowed
I didn’t know what to do
Penis enlargement or two?
But once those were done and led to no fun
I thought I could do with some work on my face
What else did I need? Maybe pin back my ears
And transplant my hairline, all done at the same time
A quick bit of Googling erased any doubts
I can’t wait to see how the whole thing turns out
It’s crazy how finally, at 62
I’m set to recapture my youth!
Goodbye sad old droopy eyes
And hello new firmer mouth!
I’ll look like Biden!
Come on, let’s do this thing, doc!
Count backwards? Sure! Ten, nine, eight
Seven, six, five, four, three, twooooooooo
As he comes around and the pain makes itself known, he wails:
Ayyyyy-owwww!
He soon tries to talk, but all that comes out at first is vaguely speech-like sounds:
Ungh-ugh, ungh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh
Ungh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh
Ungh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh
Ungh-ugh, ungh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh
Ungh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh
When he can form words, they’re heavily affected by his surgery:
Okay, I can’t feel my face.
I don’t think my eyes can move.
Skin sure is tighter.
No way I’ll talk much today.
My mouth feels all stretched and fused...
S’pose that it should.
Must mean it turned out real good!
«Schande von Malmö 1992»
Based on Germany 1992
Wind — Träume sind für alle da
EXCLUSIF! After the dramatic events at Eurovision 2024, Blick can now reveal that a previous edition held in Malmö was similarly covered in controversy. 32 years later, for the first time, and only here, the German participants tell their story.
Siegel was the worst of them all, offering cocaine
We would all be high and puking before the song from Spain
As Björkman and Michael Ball next door made sure all drinks were spiked
We saw more things that were not right
Points did not matter at all
All had travelled on a quest involving fornication
Organs burning to the max
Hell is soul-destroying but Malmö raised the bar
Kali slept with Cleopatra, then licked Kenny Lübcke - vile!
Aylin spurned by Serafín, though she cracked him her smile
Heart 2 Heart thought they were on home soil with all their sex appeal
Mia Martini’s boytoy was quite cruel
Courses led by Lydia:
"Why is everyone still dressed? We’re not here to go sleighing!"
Morgane fisted by Harald
Mary felt arousal but found a Little Child
Even Dina could get laid; silly Linda wondered why
Marion destroyed all of Kontinent’s spines
Sources say that Carola (made out with Extra Nena)
Wowed and ended Mr. Naeff, avoiding litigation
Forces caused counterattacks (as there was no going back)
Wench became dumbfounded; Merethe mocked it all
Marianna’s Trench
Based on Greece 1996
Marianna Efstratiou — Emeis forame to himona anixiatika
<<knock knock>>
*annoyed*
*JACKHAMMER*
I'm sick of all those neighbours who
Just want a chat and step into
My house, have they got nothing else to do?
It has been far long overdue
For Residence Efstratiou
To break off from the rest of Zografou
So I began to excavate
All round the house I dwell in
To thoroughly eliminate
Unwanted guests and karens
Is this extreme preventive measure a bit radical?
I ask while shovelling up gravel, silt and silica
A blissful private penetralia
Would be practical; if not amical
I'm scooping way below the roots
At depth well over forty foot
A zap! Cut off the neighbour's power, oops
When rain comes, this will be a moat
Can only reach me with a boat
Come near, my crocodile will snap your throat
I'll call upon the government
Asking a state secession
If monks of Athos got consent
Why can't I have my nation?
Domestic entity of type geopolitical
The renovated bathroom upstairs is the capital
With me for ruler (ceremonial)
Like the Vatican, within Attica
I miss the ease of stepping for essentials with my car
Can't even bring across food items with a shopping cart
Will have to order them all online
Pay by debit card, or by credit card
Antique’s Roadshow
Based on Greece 2005
Elena Paparizou — My Number One
Awesome wonders
Flood my cupboards
Years of rescued crap from Eurovision dumpsters
Paola slippers
Senhit stickers
Nearly mint, one skidmark only, Lindfors’ knickers
Eamonn’s mullet
Fanny magnet
Best of Scooch cassette, the black box still protects it
Kathy Kirby
Taxidermied
I hate my collection and I need an exit
Please buy my trunk
Of old Antique junk
Just don’t tell Nikos I flogged his scraps
I sell his stuff
He gets in a huff
Can’t move for bouzoukis crapping up my loft
ABBA’s AGA
Blas piñata
“You’re my number two” card that I made for Chiara :(
[Fiddling in drawers]
Lordi’s bible
Massiel’s bridle
N’evergreen’s, until it rolled off, one glass eyeball
Prop AIDS ribbon
Mitt Liv mitten
Gagnamagnið masks, original condition
Roman beanie
Sheer bikini
Someone binned this urn, it smells like Ulla Wiesner
France Gall lolly
Blow-up Zoli
Alma Čardžić light, it turns into Katrina
Please buy this crud
It’s too rare to chuck
Can’t bin a Bob Benny bobblehead
New auction up
Hope fights won’t erupt
For the Kesslers’ nudes, they were shot just last month
Suntribe mufflers
Brokken rubbers
From that dodgy batch where Douwe Bob bought hundreds
[Lots happening]
Wow, what a fudge
This shite wouldn’t budge
Only Kovač bid for Kempers’ pants
Barely a crumb
For Smolova’s mum
Decades of collecting and it’s all worth bum
Guess I’ll shuffle
My junk jungle
Back up to the attic till the ceilings buckle
Fish for Dinner
Based on Estonia 1996
Maarja-Liis Ilus and Ivo Linna — Kaelakee hääl
She:
Just so you know, that the house
Is beautiful and sparkling
Kitchen floor is pristine
Mopping since five a.m., tonight: bouillabaise
Please stew, and keep the house clean
He:
I cannot be bothered
With her stupid cleanliness rules
Wash cod in the shower
Marinate haddock down the loo
She:
God’s sake, I just got home and see
Scaly skin on couches
Is he taking the piss?
Dover sole’s draped on boiler, such a bastard
Squid smeared on TV screen
He:
Ha! Also put plaice heads
In the duvet where we sleep, yeah
Sewed prawns into curtains
Hilarious deeds indeed
She:
Langoustines, stuffed down sofa
And some disgusting footprints
There on clean kitchen floor
I get he may be pissed off
But this revenge
Is really over the top
Argh, argh, argh argh
[A fish fight ensues]
Argh, argh argh argh
[A passionate kiss, covered in grossness]
Ohhh ohh ohh ohh
Ooh ooh, oh oh
Both:
Fish all over apartment
Quite the turn-on
Let’s make some marie rose sauce
Cook all the stupid fish, get back together
Change sheets and let this exhaust
I was wrong, you were right, but all the fish guts were just a bit extreme
Have dirty make up sex now, got some lube here: red mullet intestine
She:
No need to waste the fish, plus never realised
The fun one can have with prawns
Tonia!
Based on Poland 1994
Edyta Gorniak — To nie ja!
1947
Was the year when it all started
Born with two Dutch parents
Who in fact preferred a dog
Married just to feel bourgeois
Could not keep their girl quiet
Et là, outside Brussels, in their château
They made plans
Tonia could not lay low
Tonia was in the know
Her room in Anderlecht
Became blessed, her safe nest
For as long as she kept to herself
Tonia always tiptoed
Tonia was a shadow
But one day she would win
Tonia, Tonia, would shine at the big stage
Soon though she’d cause mayhem
Used force to beat those in her age group
A star! From Lisboa to Winnetka! You just watch!
Tonia knew where to go
Tonia lived by her code
Walloons had a request
Take a guess
She said yes
Had forgotten all about… Them!
Father did nothing but yell
Mother implored her to excel
Once she got to Luxembourg, then
She had to win or face hell
(Tonia girded her loins)
(Tonia got 14 points)
No, no, no, no…
(Tonia tried to return*)
(Tonia was taciturn)
No, no, no, no… :(
***
[* With a song about… a dog.]