Schrödinger’s ALC

Based on Norway 2016
Agnete — Icebreaker

Can’t decide
How much to give the one about trans rights
Made me cry
But I laughed more at “Wheelchair Cleaners”

“Night of the Long Knives”
Turned out to be surprisingly quite light
"Gina Genocide"?
The tragic genocide of Ginas

ALC's the toughest that it's ever been
Poetry and porn, making my head spin
Heart and loins won’t join the same page
Votes change

We’ve got a tone problem
Feelings jump from hot and horny
Straight to mourny

Tone problem
Don’t know which one I’ll support more
“DONG” or “End War”

Some lyrics stray
And end up going in a different way
"It's Getting Harder"
Went from erections to depression

Torn between "Dad's Wake" and "Wanking"

I’ve got a dilemma
Tried to ask my shoulder devil
So unhelpful

Tone problem
“Preggo” came before “Abortion”
(Worst way to draw them)

Walked on eggshells to review
“An Addict's Truth” alongside “Eat My Poo”
What were the odds they’d both choose Dai li dou‽

Mind made up
Giving 12 to “Find My Daughter”
10 to “Slaughter”
Good enough

Solved ALC's tonal issues


Pass the tissues

Mind made up
Giving 12 to “Porcine Porker”
10 to “Dwarf Squirt”
Good enough

Solved ALC's tonal issues


Pass the tissues


Alternate reprise idea:
You’re Once, Twice, Three Times a Cowgirl (to France 1976)

Back-up Alternative reprise idea:
Where the Hell Did My Votes Go? (to Austria 2023)

...but since both those songs have been AL'd before...

Actual reprise based on UK 1989 (Live Version)

Live Report – Why Do I Always Get It Wrong?

Footnote: Yeah, I know this is the wrong place for a footnote. As in DEVIL, I've inverted things – get over it. This AL was written early this morning but after the Day-One voting...when Sebastian and tim,london were practically Amina'ing. Since I may not be around for some of the voting tonight, I’ve left you some optional lyrics at a couple of points. Of course, if someone else won [presumably Jonas as it was Yami last year], well, congratulations – consider this your mention. Indeed, at the moment Man in the Manor is on nul points – here’s hoping it will stay that way but I've also provided for the joy of points. Sing as you see fit. Without further ado...

<polite but annoyed applause>

One more sad AL for me to write

Much more heartache


Has brought me

Once more




The voteless kind

Not quite pointless/Life is pointless
But I can’t find them/In my A.L.C.

Whenever I was writing, I thought it might do well

Yet the votes expose
My inner nincompoop-ness

What you can’t ignore​
Is that my lyrics are a bore

Should have written ‘bout Sonia’s wrath
Or the purviest show on Channel 4

I’m playing--
Your fool of prose⸺

Least I’ve found there’s some meaning to life

No never could I write of...
...such condimental girls /such baristastic stuff

Nor do I regret
My lyrics filled with weakness

Cause I am quite proud

My votes are rather...unendowed

(Need more bad ALs/crap ALs, Mister?)
(He can write them but you won’t like them)

Much more worse ALs
Next year, I’ll send

(Want to co-write? E-mail this link)

Drawn-out reviews...
...Plus more Star Trek

But now I...
...Thank you all

(He is Esker – but you knew that, right?)

I am Cowgirl! Cowgirl! Cowgirl!

Practice makes perfect

(He’s not sad, no)
(He’s most chuffed now)

Do wanna scream "Woo-hoo" to you

(He is Cowgirl – don’t you deny it)

So I’ll shut it now

Next up is Seb’s reprise/Next up tim,l’s reprise​

< curtailed, though excited, applause – at least the next truly wicked AL is worth waiting for>


Frosty Secrets

Based on Russia 2014
Tolmachevy Sisters — Shine

Went driving late at night
Speeding through the dark
In our 16th birthday car

Lives changed in a flash
Then we fled the crime
Should’ve taken care on the ice

Visions of a face
Frozen in our minds
Drove too fast to stop it in time

Still can’t face what we did
Buried our regrets
In a shallow trench

Didn’t mean to kill him
Didn’t mean to hide him in the woods
Drove off in a panic
Haunted by the dents left in the hood

You’re the only one that I can trust
Anyone finds out and we’ll be cuffed
Frosty secrets can’t come out, can’t come out
No-one knows but us

I could have saved myself
You were at the wheel
But not easy when you’re a twin

I made us dig the pit
Blame for that is mine
I couldn’t risk you doing time

Keep smiling through the pain
There behind the eyes
Guilt nobody else can surmise

Although we try to live
Can’t forget that place
Pray they find no trace

Nothing in the news yet
Does nobody wonder where he’s gone?
Drove off in a cold sweat
Sobbing for the man whose life we robbed

Can’t speak of the light that we snuffed out
Silent as our inner voices shout
Frosty secrets can’t come out, can’t come out
Like the stains of blood

Haunted by a messy cover-up
Hid the shovel underneath a shrub
But can’t ever let it out, let it out
God, what have we done?

Harina Potter

Based on Armenia 2023
Brunette — Future Lover

I just wanna correct these
stories for everyone
so those who should will feel embraced

Because who you are within, is
something to be affirmed
the joy you bring it is
something to celebrate

The movies need updating


Harina Potter
I hope you know you're magical
That the Mirror of Erised shows your true self
Sweet lady

Harina Potter
That closet you outgrew
Outside it, you found you
Harina Potter

Had the fight to
Pull through, debut anew
And decide to
Be true, renew, do you
You inspired to
Be good, do good, love good
By your side to
Break through, undo bad views

She was eleven, when she found out her whole world would change
Put on the Sorting Hat: told she's not the same
The whole Great Hall heard her real name
Fear crossed her face, life was changed

Oh what a howler, where is that invisibility cloak?
She stood paralysed, a Dark Mark cast its deathly evil spell
She looked to her friends, someone to depend
Along they came, anti Dark Arts Defence oh

Feared being locked up inside Azkaban
The entrance of her Secret Chamber flung open wide
Even showed on Marauder's Map
Golden snitched by the Sorting Hat, imagine that
Yet magic world, they did accept
The wizards, witches too, they all got her back
No matter demented plans, untoward
They don't restrain when that TERF attacks, no

Whether they were
Cis, gay, non-binary
They all signed to
Dumbledore's Queer Army
They defeated
Fantasies now
for trans people reclaimed

This one is for all those
Girls and boys who lived, and lived out loud
You all have magic inside, you do
Wand chooses wizard; gender chose you


Thing Is Known

Based on United Kingdom 2023
Mae Muller — I Wrote a Song (music video version)

It was 9 in the evening
During semifinal 2
I think I ended up screaming, yeah
And then I needed a poo

It was so mad to watch her
Sing out loud for all the crowd
Something quite unforeseen
People still off the scent
I knew she meant
The secret was set free

Because now thing is known
I called you on the phone
And said about the bones
Iru was not alone
Because now thing is known
No time to wonder how
Although the secret’s out
And we need to be strong
Because now thing is known

Oh oh oh oh no
Oh oh oh oh no
Oh no no no no
Oh heavens, thing is known!
Oh oh oh oh no
Oh oh oh oh no
Oh no no no no
Christ, Jesus, thing is known!

I had only two days’ notice
So it was time to take charge
Yes, I took out the folder, baby
Because she was still at large

So I was gonna
Warn them all, tell Österdahl
By fax I sent my plea
And then it all began
A genius plan
Made up in ’93 (oh, gee, oh, gee)

Because now thing is known
I’ve got to set the tone
They should go ban to sing
One act for this one thing
Because now thing is known
This person is the worst
Avoid her maybe first
A horse killed with her stone
Because now thing is known

Oh oh oh oh no
Oh oh oh oh no
Oh no no no no
Oh heavens, she’ll perform!
Oh oh oh oh no
Oh oh oh oh no
Oh no no no no
Christ, Jesus, she’ll perform!

Look, it’s been a while
Some thirty years, but it was vile
He featured in a postcard then, that night, that night
No lie, it was sick
I’ll tell the world, just what she did
Our Millstreet boy, as named by her
She threw a stone, gave him a kick
Won’t complicate, he passed away
Justice Sonia will face

Because now thing is known
As Iru passed along
A comeback feels so wrong
It’s time to make her gone
Because now thing is known
Watching the final now
But there’s Sonia all out
I’m wordless for so long
I thought that thing was known…?

First Love

Based on Norway 1964
Arne Bendiksen — Spiral

Whether they’re short or they’re long, in volume you just can’t go wrong
Shiny and super-smooth, bent out of shape and used
I’ve got a boner for dong

Sizes and colours all, denominations galore
Oh, I adore it, I’m a whore for it

Love how it feels in my hand, wish it would grow on command
If I could have my way, I’d sniff it night and day
My very own fairyland

I wish I had loads to spare, still, I’m prepared to share
There must be more men who favour my first love

How it curls up and then unfurls and straightens again
With hands in pockets, I want to stroke it
Then blow a wad on a friend

Whether it’s right or it’s wrong, I find I am always on song
When I just light the fuse, fully embrace my muse
And damn well load up on dong

I’m always after more, deposit first, then withdraw
On all fours for it, I’d beg to score it

(Counts up all the dong he’s blown recently)

Sadly they never last long, I’ve blown 10 mil this week alone
Don’t need a super-sleuth to work out my excuse
I’ve got a boner for dong

My favourite currency is by far Vietnamese
Oh, I adore it, I’m a whore for it
Dong, dong, dong, dong
On all fours for it, I’d beg to score it






Based on Turkey 1979 (withdrawn)
Maria Rita Epik and 21. Peron — Seviyorum

Wake up in despair
Every morning
Like an idiot
I've waited a year
Now I've got to ask the question

Is it here, tell me where can I find
Where is it at?
I can't sleep, I can't spell, can't calm down
Tell me or I will die, I'll die
I'm gonna die

Getting no replies
So let's try again
With a different nick
Now they're telling me
That it's up to one board user

Please wake up, what's the link, tell me now
Where is it at?
Let me try with another IP
Tell me or I will die, I'll die
I'm gonna die

I've tried to find it
(Where could it be?)
And I've searched most everywhere
Under the carpet
(It's not there)
Behind the fridge, no scorewiz :-(

(I need to play every day)
I won't settle for less
(Sometimes for ten hours straight)
I am addicted, yes!
(Tell me, Ben, why…)
Do you torment me?
I'm not asking for a lot
(I just want… to... si... mu late)


Now it's almost May
It's been so long
Like an idiot
I've waited 2 min
And will now repeat the question

Hear my plea, don't say no, just reply!
Where is it at?
I can't eat, I can't stress the word right
¿Dónde está? Hol van? Wou ass?
Ben, you around?
I will beg, I'll demand, I might bribe!
Tell me or I will die, but I

I won't give up!

Sperm Bank Angst

Based on Israel 2010
Harel Skaat — Milim

All around I’ve cum.
In the park I’ve cum.
On your sofa ... cum.
I’ve spread my seed.
My workstation is quite ... sticky.
There is a Kleenex box, in easy reach.
But I’ll be damned, now jizz is planned,
I can bring ... bugger all.
I’m empty as this plastic cup.
All alone, locked in a room,
with just my thoughts ...

Where did this all begin? The clerk who signed me in?
I swear I saw her grin, then smirk behind her screen.
Amusing tiktok meme? Or just being mean?
Does she think that I’m not masculine?

My confidence was knocked.
My manhood mocked; now I’m half-cocked.
Deep fears unlocked.
An empty room, bar cruel ticking clock.
My task in hand is set to flop.

Anxiety sets in: Where did this all begin?
My mind replays the scene: The clerk who checked me in.
A crisis brews within: Swear I saw her grin.
Did she see straight through my pseudonym?
I thumb through magazines: Her smirk behind the screen.
How could I be so dim? There was no tiktok meme.
She crushed my self-esteem: Women are so mean.

All these thoughts won’t help me get one in!

But now who goes there, and with his torso bare?
Outside my window, erecting a scaffold?
His toolbelt is slung low and in his hands he’s holding ...
A two-metre rigid pole – ohh!


I fix my gaze on him, the workman of my dreams.
He gives a cheeky grin; I step behind the screen.
A fumble in my jeans, then it all begins.
We’re a team!

We’re gonna spill some beans!

He’s flexing with his beam; It’s working like a dream.
I build a head of steam, soon I’m in full stream ...


One manly cup of cream.

Immersion Therapy

Based on Portugal 1995
Tó Cruz - Baunilha e chocolate (live version)

Came across this recorded trend
Older Icelandic girls at sea
Middle of winter, they descend
Into the waves, immerse themselves
In the numbing Skjálfandi

"You can face challenges in life
Trust me, the water gives you strength"
Says Halldóra when all dried
Maybe something I should try
At life mostly I have failed

Too nerdy to have cool friends
Yet nerds find me not so smart
They isolate me as well
Despite my ill-fit coat and big glasses

Others have powers fully charged
Effortless living, I assume
Juggling job, kids and a wife
Have a band, a social life
Playing sports all afternoon

Stepping outside my comfort zone (comfort zone)
Fighting the barricades of mind
Learned by swims in icy weather
Though a ludicrous endeavour
Can't be worse than 10K runs

Imperative for my plan
A shockingly bitter plunge
Which might be hard to obtain
In the warm seas of Ponta Delgada

Going to Iceland is quite dear (indeed)
Hence, a McMurdo cruise I board
With my speedos on the pier
I walk tall to face my fears
Penguins taunt me in my thoughts
(big man scared of water, lol)

But first, I need to leave my phone
It can't survive inside a bath
Touch the water with my toe
Never known a thing as cold
Having doubts I'll get too far, aaahhh

I'm about to wet my balls
Turning blue just at that thought
Time to enter
Oh my fuck!!

Marlain’s Secret

Based on Cyprus 1999
Marlain — Thane erotas

I think back to entries so Cypriotic
Mi Stamatas, Milas Poli…
But with honest reflection, I must now admit
Actually I prefer Spain

Barei faced trouble with her shoes
Son de Sol’s screams - a lush brew
Franco said: “Cliff you’ll be number two”
Oh Espain, I adore you
Even Alfred and Blas

Rosa sailed directly to my wonning
Though they can’t dance, D’Nash can sing melodies
Orchestral score of Hombres – that impressed me
Just as I dance Chiki Chiki

Él should have won in ‘82
Staggeringly Beth failed too
I can say I fell for Eres Tú
Lydia wore pronounced hues

Ramón’s perfect ass drives me wild of course
But for pitch world class – I seek Soraya!

(Manel Navarro was quite good)
Marcos Llunas - a nice view
Azúcar Moreno’s tape was screwed
Edurne - had lyrics unsurpassed
Miki sang real fast

(Nina, Cadillac, Peret, Pastora, Chanel, Década)