Based on Sweden 1974
ABBA — Waterloo

Preface: In celebration of a recent court case win and this music video, Google Translate takes on the best song in Eurovision ever, if you believe the polls. Imagine, then, something going terribly wrong with ABBA’s digital avatars. This may well be what they would sing…

Well, here
To Waterloon
Napoleon was handed over

Yes, no
And I saw my future
My misfortune is the same

He puts historical books back on the shelves
It’s often repeated on the throne

Waterloon – I survived, you won the battle
Water is a warranty to love you on and on
Waterloon – I can’t run if I wanted to
Waterloon – I want you to look up my end
Go Go Va-Va-Waterloo!
King King King King King Andy
Big part

Yee-Haw
Yami tried to attach it, but it was too strong
Yeah, AI, that sounds pretty crap to me
I don’t care, BT is just like me.

And how do I get around?
I always lose weight

Waterlewd – Look for opportunities to get out of the war
Waterlewd – He promises to love you with pleasure
Waterlewd – I can’t drive if I want to
Facebook Dan – Learn about my contribution in you
Carnation Carnation Carnation Carol Waterloo
At last you’re headed to waterlook

So how do you write?
I always feel defeated

Witchcraft – I can’t run away when I want to
Waterloo – I know it’s my destiny to be with him
U-u-u-u-Waterloo – I finally met me at Waterloon

Yeah, AI, that sounds pretty shit to me
Looks like Waterloo isn’t for me either

Wow-wow-wow-wow-Waterlo – finally looked at Waterloo

Based on Estonia 2018
Elina Nechayeva — La forza

It’s quite the evening for me
My star will shine bright
They will be talking forever
About this magic night
I am quite certain
I’m on people’s lips
Then…tingling finger tips…

La strizza sneaks upon me…
Feel the tension grow…
Must get in and out of clothes
Must interrupt and make lots of funny jokes
Reality checks in
My blood pressure runs low
A sudden solitudine, and then lights off!

When they asked me to be hostess
I of course said ‘duh’
Cause I am full of girl power, forza signora
Singing, presenting
I can do it all
But little did I know
This ain’t San Remo

La–*wobbles slightly*–aaaaa strizza really got me!
On the floor, somehow
Missing half the voting, cow!
Quick, get me an infuse full of fructose now!
A dream turned to nightmare
But I’m back with a bang
I am Italian after all! Alora! Drama!

Based on Greece 1988
Afroditi Frida — Kloun

As a child in Pefka
There wasn’t much to do for fun
My best friend was TV
Cartoons aired on ERT

Each day after school
Watching the brand new episodes
Though no matter the show
All of them shared a common name

Maous, maous, mikimaous!
Maous, maous, mikimaous!
Xaxaxaxa!

Maous, maous, mikimaous!
Maous, maous, mikimaous!
Xaxaxaxa!

When I was six or so
I once pressed on the remote
Saw a piglet and bear
And said “mummy, what’s this?”

Her reply was the same
As so many times before
“Child, you know this is Greece
Cartoons have only one name”

Maous, maous, mikimaous!
Maous, maous, mikimaous!
Xaxaxaxa!

Simpsons – Mikimaous!
Spongebob – Mikimaous!
Xaxaxaxa!

If Greece seems like a mess
You just have to remember
There is no “Winnie Pou”
“Turtles” or “Sailor Moun”

DuckTales – Mikimaous!
Wombles – Mikimaous!
Xaxaxaxa!

A-ha – Mikimaous!
Smurfs, Lou – Mikimaous!
Shrek….

Xaxaxaxa!

Based on Luxembourg 1985
Margo, Franck Olivier, Diane Solomon, Ireen Sheer, Malcolm Roberts and Chris Roberts — Children, Kinder, enfants

	We do not talk
	We do not talk
	We do not talk
	No no no no
	We do not talk
	We do not talk
	We do not talk
	No no no no
	We do not talk
	We do not talk
	We do not talk
	No no no no
	We do not talk about Margo
	But it began
	in ’85,
	our supergroup
	the signs were there
	That very week
	in Gothenburg,
	the northern air
	turned very cold
	The whole Grand Prix
	misted in clouds,
	hard not to feel
	something was wrong
	Then she began
	her psychic games
	Wasn’t too bad
	when it began:
	said she knew
	Bobbysocks would win
	And Lill Lindfors
	that she had planned
	a dress mishap
	to entertain
	Prophecies all
	harmless enough
	but it would take
	another turn
	Her visions soon
	became quite dark
	Margo
	Villain of our story
	Shouldn’t talk about her
	Ok we’ll go on
We do not talk	Singing in French	We do not talk
We do not talk	(in a whisper)	We do not talk
We do not talk	let us explain	We do not talk
No no no no	the context here	No no no no
We do not talk	Throughout the week	We do not talk
We do not talk	yet more withdrawn	We do not talk
We do not talk	she hid herself	We do not talk
No no no no	behind the closed doors	No no no no
We do not talk	Sought to withdraw	We do not talk
We do not talk	from the main gig	We do not talk
We do not talk	claiming burnout	We do not talk
No no no no	a lost ‘joie de vivre’	No no no no
	Stuck in her mind,
We do not talk	rendered subdued	We do not talk
about Margo	By fates of men	about Margo
	and women too
Linda Lepomme		Linda Lepomme
her fate was sealed	(Margo)	her fate was sealed
a foreseen score		a foreseen score
of just seven		of just seven
And Norbert Daum		And Norbert Daum
he’d be denied	(We don’t talk about her)	he’d be denied
a win three times		a win three times
by Ireland		by Ireland
Sweden’s Kiki		Sweden’s Kiki
was feeling good	(Do not mention Margo)	was feeling good
until the gas		until the gas
attack began		attack began
And Roger Bens,	(Eternally damned)	And Roger Bens,
he dehydrates		he dehydrates
	All of our group
(Margo)	under such stress	(Margo)
	tried to elude
	her creepy mood
	Participants
(Mistress of corruption)	all soon caught on,	(Mistress of corruption)
	no-one at all
	would catch our eyes
	The curse was real
(Evil Nostradamus)	it was a scourge,	(Evil Nostradamus)
	no-one was safe
	from her mad grasp
(Devilish commands)	And its effects	(Devilish commands)
	would soon get worse
(lalalala)	She turned her sights	(lalalala)
(lalalala)	now and again	(lalalala)
(lalalala)	onto we members	(lalalala)
(lala lala)	of the band	(lala lala)
(lalalala)	As we were warned	(lalalala)
(lalalala)	she knew the date	(lalalala)
(lalalala)	of each of our	(lalalala)
(lala lala)	last curtain calls	(lala lala)
(lalalala)	Maybe not fair	(lalalala)
(lalalala)	to place the blame	(lalalala)
(lalalala)	on her unwanted	(lalalala)
(lala lala)	prescient sense	(lala lala)
(lalala lalala)	Yet what she shared	(lalala lalala)
(lala lala lala)	was terrible	(lala lala lala)
Lia Vissi’s		Though unwanted
future career	Margo	an unborn child
in politics		will be on the stage
will not succeed		part of Hot Eyes
But Ireen Sheer		Ylenia
(as you’d have thought)	She’s some	daughter of Al
will have a	kind of shaman	and Romina
bountiful career		one day’ll disappear
It’s no-one’s fault		It’s hard to face
Chris will die young	Franck gets	that which awaits,
gone from lung cancer	liver cancer	a heart attack will
in Berlin		kill poor Malcolm
But it was	Margo:	Only she knows
inevitable	on the run	how this will end
The Greek bailout		Covid 19
vanishing ice	Margo	Brexit and Trump
a guy taking		Spain invaded
Surie’s microphone		by Jimmy Jump
Boko Haram		@edballs’ tweet
Epstein exposed	She couldn’t	Harvey Weinstein
Ralph Siegel’s	escape it	contest called off
The Social Network Song		stops Daði’s win
Bin Laden killed		Boom in Beirut
a shot-down plane	Australia	“everyone dies”
EBU kicking	enters	Jemini tries
out Belarus		to harmonise
Though we’re still here,	Eternally damned
the end is near		It never stops
	Why did we mention Margo?

Based on Ireland 1990
Liam Reilly — Somewhere in Europe

It’s been a vile scourge all down through the ages
In ink of crimson throughout history’s lengthy pages
A predator that stalks us across land, sea and air
Whose sly venom brings forth ruin and despair

Once more for spite’s sake, it has reared its ugly head
Did it start in February? Or eight years ago instead?
Combat is for certain, but “special” – that’s not right
Let us speak only truth: there’s some war in Europe tonight

Had you heard of Bucha town? How ’bout Mariupol as well?
Or even Borodyanka too …before they were all bombed to Hell?
Homes and schools ravaged, they are surely crimes of war
How come war itself is not against the law?

What of the people who believe these wrongs are right?
Did they hear the bombs explode as the refugees took flight?
Maybe conned by fake news, the story of our times
Must it forever be so: there’s some war somewhere?

What gets a mention on social network apps?
Quite often Gaza or Syria perhaps
But what of Tigray or Yemen, Papua or Paraguay?
And lists like this, so coldly plain, barely stir much hue and cry

Where is the logic? Or a reason for the death?
Some say it’s for liberty, the downtrodden’s shibboleth
Or a leader’s lust for land that caught his eye
If there could only be peace, all this war nonsense would die

Is hope deluded that they’d throw their guns away?

Life is never black and white
No, it’s tangled shades of grey

An unnerving echo, a Lebensraum of sorts
Now seeks to maul and consume Donbas and Black Sea resorts

What, then, is Europe’s refrain?

We #StandWithUkraine

Based on Austria 2016
Zoë — Loin d’ici

As I am sleeping, I’m dreaming of dessert
Though I’m on a diet, you see.
My dietician said “meals that are fat free”
But I can’t hold on, so I scream!

Banoffee with a lot whipped cream
And then some choc’late chip cookies
Huge sundae with five scoops ice cream
I want them, I need them.
Big cheesecake and fruit marmelade
Or maybe well burnt crème brûlée
An extra fat vanilla shake
I’m doomed now.

What am I doing? He said “no sugar”, damn!
Natalia sung “Give me some”.
But maybe she meant those sugar supplements
Hell what does she know? Nothing.

Brown sugar does not taste the same
It is a lie that people say.
It’s 4 AM but I don’t need sleep
I need that sweet feeling.

Fudge brownies or red velvet cake
Tiramisu with no caffeine
All these desserts got me thinking
Is this just a dream?

Oh no, I see the fridge, it’s empty
I dress up, find the keys
Driving off to my sweet kingdom!

I take the car, now I see
That it’s all dark in the city
Where will I find my sweet pastry?
All shops have long closed!
Found a store with no alarms
I pick the lock, I’m such a scum
Grab out my spoon, attack that cake
Delicious, nutritious!

I ate some sweets
I fell asleep
The morning came
I’m still here, oh damn man!
The owner came he is angry
– ‘’I’ll call police!”
– “Oh please dear sir this is absurd
I will refund!”

Based on Germany 1986
Ingrid Peters — Über die Brücke geh’n

I grab a book – Death of Ivan Ilyich
But I feel this pain, whine like an addict
Then it absconds! It’s clear wine is cruel when I’m down
Nearly beginning, it’s 9 or thereabout – Here we go!

#EurovisionAgain, what year are we to sustain?
I open Twitter and grab a pen to start writing
Can no longer feel zen! Upcoming hours in pain
Already trending; to be precise in a part of Israel

The telecast starts with Te Deum pride
But what’s the plan? Depicting homicide?!
It’s just too weird! Reeks like pandering to the mob
No extra graphics – I want my Contest pure, oh no!

#EurovisionAgain, too dumb to read? Just insane!
Meanwhile on Twitter: no one knows when to start voting
Now the results are in! Winter has now just begun
As the whole ranking is paradise for the tasteless, all expelled!!!

#EurovisionAgain, ReorderBoard puts a stain
My vital organs fail as the lands don’t stop moving

As the wrong country wins, I know for sure: I am done
I want to thank all who killed my night and my voice, cause’ I have yelled
See you next month in hell!

Based on Spain 1983
Remedios Amaya — ¿Quién maneja mi barca?

Who stole the titular bell from Big Ben?
A robbery that shocked London, my friends,
It’s true, I recently went to Big Ben,
And sure enough it was silent again

Ay, it’s a crime that’s so dark,
Who would commit such a deed
Maybe a Finn with their markka,
Purloined it for a Helsinki clock tower

I searched round London but I couldn’t find a friend,
It causes me so much pain, again, I’ll have to get on the train, no!

A man I saw on the train said “it’s Isis
I know that it’s a political crisis”
They’ll melt it to make weapons,
By which I mean the Polish singer with that shrill voice… *eehhhehee*

Who stole the titular bell from Big Ben?
Was it those famous Great Train Robbery men?
Or maybe Bonnie and Clyde brought a friend,
Robin Hood reincarnated again?

I travelled to Scotland Yard, and,
They just looked at me funny,
They didn’t listen to me,
Said something odd,
About some engineering…

A Spanish restaurant I thought would be a safe place,
But there it was staring at me on the menu,
The salsa comes with BELL peppers!

By now it dawned on me, I couldn’t escape this,
I had been chosen to pursue this mystery,
I knew that I had to solve it,
For all those who missed that lovely sound of “dong… diiiiiiing”

Who stole the titular bell from Big Ben?
An Estonian visitor from Tallinn ?
Or did Massiel take it as a fill-in?
For her Franco-funded complex in Jaén?

I knew that I had the answer,
After this long deliberation,
It was that prick who took my boat,
Who sailed down the river,
And took the bell

Then the boat sunk near Tilbury, stupid boy! Ay!

Based on Bosnia and Herzegovina 2002
Maja Tatić — Na jastuku za dvoje

What an intro
To a day so messy
Touched my cat when
Folding nylon bed sheets
Itchy foot, wild hair
Maybe it’s one of those days
Didn’t give attention
Suddenly the oven resonates!

My t-shirt – OH NO
Somehow soiled with loose dirt
I shake it all off
But cannot remove it

I’m calling my employer
Say I’m in a bind
But the phone starts dying
Clinging to my hand
Now icing sugar
Covers all my
Surface area

I tried to use the toilet
Sadly, didn’t last
Toiletries and tissues
Hit my fanny fast
There’s a shampoo jar
Hanging out from
My poor labia
Think that means my own
Electric charge is high

(wa dow pa pa pa pa)
(wa dow pa pa pa pa)
(wa dow pa pa pa pa)
(wa dow pa da pa pa da pa pow)

Like a true pro
Dealing this condition
Slipping on a breastplate
Minimising friction
Stepped out, main street
Maybe buy some lemonade
Was a wrong decision
Caused a bus collision, right there

Ideal plan? OH NO
All the stoplights flicker
And then they’ve gone off
I just want home sooner

I’m Maja the Destroyer
All I do is harm
Leaves stick to my dry hair
And my underarm
Just felt a booger
Drawn to me from
A pedestrian

I’m starting to enjoy it
Shopping free of charge
Store is selling neat shoes?
I just stand outside
Though it’s a burden
I’ve attracted
Half of Bosnia
When I go back home
I’ll thank my useful cat

(pa da pa pa da pa pow)

Based on Spain 2007
D’NASH — I Love You Mi Vida

(hey hey, ho!)
(hey hey, ho!)

I don’t know, what came over me
You were cute and a charmer too
so before I knew, you had moved in too
we even got a doggie

But soon after that, things went very wrong
I found condom boxes, that we hadn’t used
so tell me cabrón, where are all they now
are they all used somewhere else

I swear I will find them one day
and catch you in the act so cabrón

I hate your guts baby (yes I do)
you’re nothing but rubbish, a big pile of shit
you fucked all the neighbors, you fucked the 3 doormen
and the milkman too, and the postman too

I hate your guts baby (yes I do)
You took all my money, drove off in my car
you took out a loan, in my fucking name
and left me for good, and left me for good

(hey, hey, ho!)

I keep finding out, what you did to me
you fucked my best friend, and her girlfriend too
you sold my good china, you auctioned my ring
the one from our wedding

Get ready you huge motherfucker
Cos I’m coming right after you

I hate your guts baby, (yes I do)
You’re nothing but garbage, a huge pile of shit
But I’ve caught your scent now, nothing will stop me
I’ll find you, I know- I’ll find you, I know

I hate your guts baby (yes I do)
I went to the dealer’s and bought me 8 guns
Go to the range daily, and practise on targets
with your face on them, with your face on them

(hey, hey, ho!)
I hate your guts baby
(hey, hey ,ho!)
I FOUND YOU CABRON!

It wasn’t that hard, after all
All I had to do was follow the string
of discarded condoms, all 900 of them
time for the showdown, cos we’re nearing dawn

Got something to tell me, you cabrón!
I’m ready to shoot you, right there on the balls
but you aren’t worth it, so give me my money
and leave me for good, and leave me for good

(BOOM!)