Based on Albania 2019
Jonida Maliqi — Ktheju tokës

*cheers as car exits the mystical M53*

Seems quite dear for two grand
Is Travelodge a high-end brand?

TV won’t switch on
Soundproofing acoustics don’t impress
When lesbians next door have sex

Bloody shower’s broken
Where’s my complimentary pen?
Damp walls riddled with lead
Suspiciously white stained bedspread

*returns after jury final*

Blinds don’t block the sun
Breakfast is a contemptuous mess
Fruit juice has not been freshly pressed

Stale burnt toasted white bread
Served with communal low-fat spread
Must avoid the ‘latte’
Lesbians drank seven. They’re dead!

(Toilet tissue? That costs extra)
(Room had mildew? Tasty fungus!)
(Hey you! Pay up! You had breakfast)
(Please leave review)

*with acute passive aggression*

“Thank you very much. Faleminderit shumë. תודה רבה.”

Based on Israel 1978
Izhar Cohen and the Alphabeta — A-ba-ni-bi

Hey do you know your ABC's
Of Eurovision's epic singers, songs and memes?
So easy, it's like 1 2 3
You'll sing along in no time, just you wait and see
If at one point your mind goes 'nah'
You know there's always 'lalala'

ABBA or Angel (Chiara)
Beg, steal, borrow, banana
Conchita does the Cha Cha Cha
Douze points for your dance break, Diva!

Who doesn't love the classic Eres Tu?
Feuer for everyone, and Fuego too!
When half the Green room starts to have a cow
Hold on be strong and Hold me now

Izhar Cohen, Olé Olé
In Jordan they still think he lost to Jean Vallée
Kinek mondjam el vetkeimet?
Oh cheer up honey, Lass die Sonne in dein Herz!

Mister Naef! Who gets the Nil points?
Where's the Orchestra? Poe poe poe!
¿Quién ma...neja mi barca?
Did not Rise like a phoenix
But bombed just like Scooch and Shiru

Do you think Televoting's cool?
UGH, don't ask Urban Trad the damage it can do
And Valentina Monetta
We're sure she stole the Wind machine from Carola

Redemption for the dolls from XXL
Although their vocals didn't flow that well
Will Tiktok ever do the Yaz Bitti?
Until then: Buoni e Zitti!

Took some creative liberty
To cover every letter from A down to Z
And though we disappointed fans
There sadly was no way to mention Riverdance

We've been so tempted all along
To smuggle in a boom-a-bang or ding-a-dong
We simply didn't see a fit
Well, maybe, bejba, ooh aah just a little bit

Love love peace peace, adieu, voilà
Double wink from the Alphabeta mafia

Based on Spain 1995
Anabel Conde — Vuelve conmigo (live version)

Time for our annual credo
It affects our libido - let’s not go that far
We need it for our ego
We’ll get into that later, but for now let’s scar

(Pang)

Those laughing in the dark
Those staffing this big ark

When? When? Just when will we know?
When? When? When comes the simulator?!
When? Show us the depot
Where we can heed - no, adore!

(Passive aggressive guitar solo)

We flood ESCNation
From the depths of São Paulo and from Canberra
All around we are preaching
We are not overreaching
Just want what is ours

We’re aching in the heart
We’re breaking - we’ll wage war!

Then, then, we’ll just use CAPS LOCK
THEN, THEN, SPELING MISTAKES R CALLED FOR
THEN NO PUNTUATION
AND WIERD USERNAMES GALORE - [R] EurofanTilDeath - 00:01:59

TEN (AND) TEN (TEN) FINALSITS TO GO - [R] StimulatorWhen - 00:02:04
TEN (AND) TEN (TEN) PLUS SIX AND THAN DOWN TO ONE - [R] ESCintifada - 00:02:10
(ZEN) ZEN GOOD FR OUR EGO - [R] GenevaFanBoy - 00:02:13
WEHN WE SIMULATE THE SCORES - [R] KillJuries - 00:02:18

(Ominous drums)

WHOA (BEN BEN BEN TUMMINARO) - [R] ESCJESCEDCFreak - 00:02:22
(BEN BEN WE KNOW YOUR LATS NAME AND MORE) - [R] Örnsköldsvik2024 - 00:02:27
BEN BEN BEN (BEN BEN WE GED OUR CROSSBOW) - [R] MirelaAEurovision - 00:02:31
(FINNISH SIMULATION OR) OH YEAH YEAH YEAH - [R] YeahYeahFire - 00:02:38

BEN BEN YOU MUST HVE SEEN NO - [R] Elodie_YouHouHou - 00:02:43
BEN BEN WE BARICADED YOUR DOOR - [R] WhatTheDuckMarios - 00:02:48
(BEN) BEN NOHWERE ELSE TO GO - [R] BenAdam - 00:02:52
NOW YOURE OUR OWN PROGRAMOR - [R] FrankNaefFan - 00:02:57

(Sound of fire lit in front of door)

(Trolls cheering)

(Dutch troll - likely enemy of Ben - exclaiming “JA!” (“YES!”))

Based on Sweden 1982
Chips — Dag efter dag (live version)

Every time you call me up
you spin me round in circles
all I need is to be heard
but you can’t see past your own ego

Cos your ego is so big
it should have its own airport
a galaxy or “Tout l’univers”
there’s only one star in your sad play

Go take a walk
all I ever wanted was a friend
Go take a hike
you can only listen to yourself

I’m sick and tired of your mind games
and the ensuing dramas
so walk out the door
taking your ego
on the way out

It is always about you
and your situation
you’re not able to just see (NO!)
through someone else’s
eyes so that’s why

I am sending you to Hell
where you’ll find tons of mirrors
so you can stare at your pretty face
but looking back right at you is Dorian Gray

(KEY CHANGE IN ANGER/SADNESS INTENSITY)

Go take a walk!
if this wasn't painful I’d crack up
Go fuck yourself!!!
you are an egocentric piece of shit

And if tomorrow you should call me
please be advised that I will
hang up on you
then will proceed
to block #666

I hope your days in Hell are hell
while I take a deep breath
you’re out of my life
what a relief
tho Sweden 04
just Finland 07 !
so Ukraine 03 !!!
and Germany 08 !!!!!11!!!1111!!!

Based on Finland 2018
Saara Aalto — Monsters

Slice of bread
I'm ready to eat it
Toaster's done
And soon it's going to feed me

So I'm smearing it with butter, cheese and lettuce
Fresh tomatoes, jam and mayonnaise

But I couldn’t hold on to this sandwich anymore
Felt it slipping through my fingers as I crossed the floor
On my way to fetch some kitchen roll
Gravity took its toll
I could try to pick it up, but is it fine or spoiled?
How am I to know?

So how am... how am...
How am I to know?

Seconds pass
I've made no decision
I don't know what to do
This needs some revision

As I watch the mayo chaos
This traumatic moment keeps replaying in my head

I just couldn't hold on to my sandwich anymore
I could feel it slipping from my hands and hit the floor
Landed on the tiles and made a splat
Wrong way up, but of course
I could try to brush it off, but is it clean or soiled?
How am... how am...
How am I to know?

Ooooh...
How am I to know?

No... no... I give up, I give uuuuuuuup​

I just couldn't hold on to that sandwich anymore
Now I'm gonna pick it up and eat it, is that flawed?
But is it quite safe, I'm still not sure
Compromising might work
So I'm gonna kneel right down and eat it off that floor
Am I... Am I...
Am I scared of geeeeeeeeerms?

How am... How am...
How am I to know?
How am... How am...
Maybe I’ll just starve

Based on Croatia 2023
Let 3 — Mama ŠČ!

Join our Eurovision Army, Ziv 💪
Help us fight against the IS, Gee 🦷
March with our Conquistadores ⚔️
Though nights get hard, you will not be captured, Skifs 🌘

Bring your stones to our headquarters, ZiBBZ 🪨
Prep the Molotov Cocktails now, Chic 🍹
Fight the monsters, Saara Aalto 👹
Warrior Nina, oximate opponents 🫁

Gaitanka ☣️

Fight your demons with more valour, TIX
Could it be that you're at war, now, Kim? ❓
Let your battle cry out louder 📣
As Chief Laura marches on Verona 🫡

<<< scrolling through ESC rolodex >>>
Mamma, Mamo, Maman, leave your children behind 👩‍👧‍👦
Sanna, undo your sad 🫤

You can do it, Duo Datz ✊
Fight with heart, dear Mimicat ❤️‍🔥
Do it for Judy, Pierre Rapsat 🤗
Work hard, Kuunkuiskaajat 👭

Shellpida ☢️

Vania: our navy Senhora, (sea) 🌊
Airforce fly the flag with honour, Scooch 🛫
Secret service with Morena 🥷
Training leaders: Zdob și Zdub, Moldova 🪗

Weapons - not words - Harel Skaat 🏹
Say War War War with Serhat 🧨
On, Bettina Soriat! ↗️
For your lady, Kabát 🙋‍♀️

Play on, Pihasoittajat 🎻
Live up Yüksek Sadakat 🖖
Ambush Shiru Ladakat 🚨
Tell them bye bye CatCat ✌️

Armour, ammo, Bem bomb 💣

Gracia, don't run and hide 🙈
We'll beat Gina Genocide 🪩
Ryan, make sure we survive 💔
Don't cry, you're still alive! 🙌

TWiiNS 👯‍♀️

Based on Ireland 1980

 
 

At my request, the Producer has kindly taken down the text of this alternative lyric.

Thank you, Andy.

I poured my heart and soul into this AL in an attempt, in part, to grapple the grief that girds me. It is no longer as piercing as it once was, but it lingers. This AL represents a public display of my grief and I now wish it to return to the privacy of my own mind.

It is a poetic irony that this AL will remain in memory only.
I am at peace with that.

-- Esker

Based on Iceland 2010
Hera Björk — Je ne sais quoi

I know I ain't wrong
That song is only sadness, bums me out
How did it even reach, a higher place than "Gimme"?
Infuriating, drives me wild

Il faut du temps
It is beginning with the title
Il faut du temps - ew!
No dry ice? I will complain
And when I see her face, I wanna modify her style
What's with that hair, pourqoi?

When one minute's up
Seems like I've heard the whole thing, tiring
And all that I love is that voice
Helsinki gave it twelve points
Tell me, do you feel the same?

Il faut du temps
It's bridge is almost non existent
Il faut du temps - ew!
Considered best song of that year
And when I think of it, Kirsten Sigaard had better hairstyle
Sandrine François, pourqoi?

I just hate it, it's a crap song ohh
It's like it's torturing my life!

Il faut du temps...
Il faux du temps!

Backdrop to all my creepy nightmares
Il faut du temps, ouch!
It came fifth, a travesty
This whole thing was a lie who doesn't love a slick French ballad
Il faut du temps, DOUZE POINTS!

Based on Portugal 2011
Homens da Luta — A luta é alegria

We’re picketing the office of Christer Björkman
We’ll protest till he brings back the Monegasque
On Malta and SM it's an unfair burden
To showcase microstates is a macro task

They’ve been gone since forever
At least Séverine Ferrer
We’re overdue a sequel to Coco-Dance

Why else would Liechtenstein have a TV station
If not to stuff the contest with yodel tracks?
Unless all microstates get participation
They’ll just be known as havens for dodging tax

Let Schaan host in their theatre
The stage is one square metre
It’s next to Hilti Aktiengesellschaft

If only Biggi Bachmann's body had been bigger
Enough to fill a swimming pool with just one finger
That might've made them big enough to have a singer
My Little Cowboy could’ve been a weeny winner

Don’t brag about Luxembourg with us
We mean lands so small they can't fill one bus
The Isle of Man has just one post box
‘Cause it’s just one man living on some rocks

Perhaps the Vatican might send something religious
Such as a Mormon or a band of Hare Krishnas?
They could try Senhit but their wealth can’t beat her stickers
Or keep it local, maybe they could find some fiddlers?

Andorra wasn’t liked much by other nations
The only small state where one can’t bribe a judge
Their forward-thinking fashions brought us elation
But now it's just mistaken for a map smudge

Mount Athos has believers
And surely tonnes of divas
They’d hear the cheers from Greece when they give douze points

How could Australia be let in before Sealand‽
They didn’t even check to see what’s round New Zealand
Such as the Federated States of Micronesia
Nauruan guanopop could be a wee crowd pleaser

We want the Big 5 to be shrunk down
Swapped for dots of sand that will all soon drown
We’re yet to hear Tuvalu’s own sounds
Though their .tv’s where the contest’s found

Sure it's a start Russia’s twice been banned
But let's not ban bands from Bashkortostan
Though there's a chance it’s a made-up land
Of the Bashkir songs we're already fans

Hey look it’s Marta Roure, taller than a steeple!
We thought that microstates were lands for little people?
Discrimination against dwarves we thought was evil
Guess we can go home now we know they’re being legal

Besides, they'd only end up sending more Ralph Siegel

Based on Italy 2023
Marco Mengoni — Due vite (live version)

So, have you ever seen a man in leather trousers
Just go and shit himself in front of millions of people?
’Cause if the bubbling and gurgling in my guts is any indication
That’s exactly, and shortly, what’s about to occur here

No idea why that thought has tickled me, it’s not a joke or even slightly funny
I suppose I’m just laughing so I can cover up the ever-mounting horror
That’s because I’m pre-shitting bricks at the mere thought of shitting myself here
And who here hasn’t?

I know there’s two hot guys behind me going boing-boing on trampolines
And if I wasn’t about to go nova, then sure, I’d be all over them like a rash
Alas, my stomach’s doing somersaults and drops and jumps all of its own
And I don’t need the reminder

In fact I think I’m better off if I keep moving
In the meantime, good advice, so listen up y’all
You don’t wanna repeat my mistake, this could save both your pants and your face
And stop your guts from doing loop-the-loops, as if they’re eating this fucking top

Don’t eat extra-hot instant noodles just an hour before you’re due on stage like I did
Hair and make-up did try and warn me about them, sadly I just scoffed the bastards
Now I feel like they crawled up into the most angry fold of my arsehole
And now they’ve died there

Or rather I’m the one who’s dying, ’cause they’re killing me from within
Suppose one good thing’s these trousers, this leather, won’t stain, when the tsunami wave rears its head
The steaming torrent will work its way south, trickle out, and then just slowly pool around my feet
A spicy, towering, brown and green monument to three shit-hot minutes of TV shame

Good, thank you, yes, go close up on me, then it might help me to ignore the fact
That I can feel it building, standing on the porch like a Mormon
Full of crap, unwelcome, preaching fire and curry-red brimstone
Oh shit – his ugly face is at the door

God damn! This could be myooooo– [Director: Be ready if he really *does* lose his shit!] –therfucker!
It’s like the Alien chest-burst, except that this one just clawed its way out of my poor arse
And what the – Jesus wept, the smell! It’s – I can barely even hold the mike
Christ! Cut me off now, kthxxxxxxxxbai