Based on France 2023
La Zarra — Évidemment

In Québec, Canada, I was the queen of the chanson
By air, travelled, to sing (très bien)
Jubilee of Céline’s great win,

Felt like I’d been drinking strong liqueur
And something strange was starting to occur,
Always bloated and in a bad mood
‎‏Then to my horror the doctor said…

“Don’t eat croissants”
J’suis sans les sandwichs de jambon et cornichon
Nor macarons,
Cause I’ve been feeling lethargy,
I’m unhappy

So if there’s dough, oh, that’s how it’s made,
Then it will be too glutinous for me,
No more brioche,
With marmalade or jam again,
How unpleasant!

So from my diet, I’ve given up,
Couronnes et tarte tatin,
Je cherche l’amour, je n’trouve rien
Comme dans mon sac du pain

I have never been nonchalant,
With others I can’t reach a state of détente,
I’d made a clear hotel demand,
‎‏But to my terror the cleaners said…

“What you don’t want,
Is to turn the pillows over, because there’s blood”
What an affront!
I wasn’t treated like mother, more a weird aunt

But I won’t stop,
These ordeals will be worth it when I’ve won,
I’m sat in the green room, it’s nearly done
“Votes for France”
I’m sure the public love me – time for Graham to read out my score…

JUST FIFTY POINTS TO FRANCE?!

You know what, fuck this, you have no taste
I don’t understand, why you all hate me

Évidemment
This misery all started with the time I ate
That damn croissant!

Based on Sweden 1991
Carola — Fångad av en stormvind

Oooooo-hooo yeah!!!
Whooooa-ho-ho!!!

I have come to realise
That all that I was taught is a crock of shit

Still it takes me by surprise
When I’m compelled to sing words I once would not admit

Now I’m proud to tell you I am coming out
I have opened up (completely) without doubt

I’m enraptured by the Devil – he’s my man

There’s no fun in Heaven, no
When you find out God is vegan

Singing “Oh Hosanna!”
Night and day (as you must)
It turns me off

Mark my Word I’m coming down below

I repent my righteous deeds

And dedicate my soul
To for evermore…

Be the nastiest of Swedes

With scruples of a troll
And the morals of a whore

Having no regrets, I’m leaving Christ behind
My new love is wicked: he’s the one who shines

I’m enraptured by the Devil. I’m for you

Let us do the no-pants dance
Come and take me – any entrance

Fornicate and show me disrespect!

Don’t resist my bargain ‘cause
You ain’t met a diva quite like me!!

Var inte främling: låt starta vårt äventyr nu
Min brinnand kärlek evighet bara jag och du

Oh yes! Now I’m feeling horny!!

Rapture me, you devil! (Take her on!)

Heaven will be yours when I penetrate your inner circle

Let us take Valhalla from the gods
Dominate them! Use your rod!

All for you, I’ve more salacious schemes

(Only with Carola!)

Go on, tell me: “You can go to Hell”!!!

Based on Albania 2019
Jonida Maliqi — Ktheju tokës

*cheers as car exits the mystical M53*

Seems quite dear for two grand
Is Travelodge a high-end brand?

TV won’t switch on
Soundproofing acoustics don’t impress
When lesbians next door have sex

Bloody shower’s broken
Where’s my complimentary pen?
Damp walls riddled with lead
Suspiciously white stained bedspread

*returns after jury final*

Blinds don’t block the sun
Breakfast is a contemptuous mess
Fruit juice has not been freshly pressed

Stale burnt toasted white bread
Served with communal low-fat spread
Must avoid the ‘latte’
Lesbians drank seven. They’re dead!

(Toilet tissue? That costs extra)
(Room had mildew? Tasty fungus!)
(Hey you! Pay up! You had breakfast)
(Please leave review)

*with acute passive aggression*

“Thank you very much. Faleminderit shumë. תודה רבה.”

Based on Israel 1978
Izhar Cohen and the Alphabeta — A-ba-ni-bi

Hey do you know your ABC’s
Of Eurovision’s epic singers, songs and memes?
So easy, it’s like 1 2 3
You’ll sing along in no time, just you wait and see
If at one point your mind goes ‘nah’
You know there’s always ‘lalala’

ABBA or Angel (Chiara)
Beg, steal, borrow, banana
Conchita does the Cha Cha Cha
Douze points for your dance break, Diva!

Who doesn’t love the classic Eres Tu?
Feuer for everyone, and Fuego too!
When half the Green room starts to have a cow
Hold on be strong and Hold me now

Izhar Cohen, Olé Olé
In Jordan they still think he lost to Jean Vallée
Kinek mondjam el vetkeimet?
Oh cheer up honey, Lass die Sonne in dein Herz!

Mister Naef! Who gets the Nil points?
Where’s the Orchestra? Poe poe poe!
¿Quién ma…neja mi barca?
Did not Rise like a phoenix
But bombed just like Scooch and Shiru

Do you think Televoting’s cool?
UGH, don’t ask Urban Trad the damage it can do
And Valentina Monetta
We’re sure she stole the Wind machine from Carola

Redemption for the dolls from XXL
Although their vocals didn’t flow that well
Will Tiktok ever do the Yaz Bitti?
Until then: Buoni e Zitti!

Took some creative liberty
To cover every letter from A down to Z
And though we disappointed fans
There sadly was no way to mention Riverdance

We’ve been so tempted all along
To smuggle in a boom-a-bang or ding-a-dong
We simply didn’t see a fit
Well, maybe, bejba, ooh aah just a little bit

Love love peace peace, adieu, voilà
Double wink from the Alphabeta mafia

Based on Spain 1995
Anabel Conde — Vuelve conmigo (live version)

Time for our annual credo
It affects our libido – let’s not go that far
We need it for our ego
We’ll get into that later, but for now let’s scar

(Pang)

Those laughing in the dark
Those staffing this big ark

When? When? Just when will we know?
When? When? When comes the simulator?!
When? Show us the depot
Where we can heed – no, adore!

(Passive aggressive guitar solo)

We flood ESCNation
From the depths of São Paulo and from Canberra
All around we are preaching
We are not overreaching
Just want what is ours

We’re aching in the heart
We’re breaking – we’ll wage war!

Then, then, we’ll just use CAPS LOCK
THEN, THEN, SPELING MISTAKES R CALLED FOR
THEN NO PUNTUATION
AND WIERD USERNAMES GALORE – [R] EurofanTilDeath – 00:01:59

TEN (AND) TEN (TEN) FINALSITS TO GO – [R] StimulatorWhen – 00:02:04
TEN (AND) TEN (TEN) PLUS SIX AND THAN DOWN TO ONE – [R] ESCintifada – 00:02:10
(ZEN) ZEN GOOD FR OUR EGO – [R] GenevaFanBoy – 00:02:13
WEHN WE SIMULATE THE SCORES – [R] KillJuries – 00:02:18

(Ominous drums)

WHOA (BEN BEN BEN TUMMINARO) – [R] ESCJESCEDCFreak – 00:02:22
(BEN BEN WE KNOW YOUR LATS NAME AND MORE) – [R] Örnsköldsvik2024 – 00:02:27
BEN BEN BEN (BEN BEN WE GED OUR CROSSBOW) – [R] MirelaAEurovision – 00:02:31
(FINNISH SIMULATION OR) OH YEAH YEAH YEAH – [R] YeahYeahFire – 00:02:38

BEN BEN YOU MUST HVE SEEN NO – [R] Elodie_YouHouHou – 00:02:43
BEN BEN WE BARICADED YOUR DOOR – [R] WhatTheDuckMarios – 00:02:48
(BEN) BEN NOHWERE ELSE TO GO – [R] BenAdam – 00:02:52
NOW YOURE OUR OWN PROGRAMOR – [R] FrankNaefFan – 00:02:57

(Sound of fire lit in front of door)

(Trolls cheering)

(Dutch troll – likely enemy of Ben – exclaiming “JA!” (“YES!”))

Based on Sweden 1982
Chips — Dag efter dag (live version)

Every time you call me up
you spin me round in circles
all I need is to be heard
but you can’t see past your own ego

Cos your ego is so big
it should have its own airport
a galaxy or “Tout l’univers”
there’s only one star in your sad play

Go take a walk
all I ever wanted was a friend
Go take a hike
you can only listen to yourself

I’m sick and tired of your mind games
and the ensuing dramas
so walk out the door
taking your ego
on the way out

It is always about you
and your situation
you’re not able to just see (NO!)
through someone else’s
eyes so that’s why

I am sending you to Hell
where you’ll find tons of mirrors
so you can stare at your pretty face
but looking back right at you is Dorian Gray

(KEY CHANGE IN ANGER/SADNESS INTENSITY)

Go take a walk!
if this wasn’t painful I’d crack up
Go fuck yourself!!!
you are an egocentric piece of shit

And if tomorrow you should call me
please be advised that I will
hang up on you
then will proceed
to block #666

I hope your days in Hell are hell
while I take a deep breath
you’re out of my life
what a relief
tho Sweden 04
just Finland 07 !
so Ukraine 03 !!!
and Germany 08 !!!!!11!!!1111!!!

Based on Croatia 2023
Let 3 — Mama ŠČ!

Join our Eurovision Army, Ziv 💪
Help us fight against the IS, Gee 🦷
March with our Conquistadores ⚔️
Though nights get hard, you will not be captured, Skifs 🌘

Bring your stones to our headquarters, ZiBBZ 🪨
Prep the Molotov Cocktails now, Chic 🍹
Fight the monsters, Saara Aalto 👹
Warrior Nina, oximate opponents 🫁

Gaitanka ☣️

Fight your demons with more valour, TIX
Could it be that you’re at war, now, Kim? ❓
Let your battle cry out louder 📣
As Chief Laura marches on Verona 🫡

<<< scrolling through ESC rolodex >>>
Mamma, Mamo, Maman, leave your children behind 👩‍👧‍👦
Sanna, undo your sad 🫤

You can do it, Duo Datz ✊
Fight with heart, dear Mimicat ❤️‍🔥
Do it for Judy, Pierre Rapsat 🤗
Work hard, Kuunkuiskaajat 👭

Shellpida ☢️

Vania: our navy Senhora, (sea) 🌊
Airforce fly the flag with honour, Scooch 🛫
Secret service with Morena 🥷
Training leaders: Zdob și Zdub, Moldova 🪗

Weapons – not words – Harel Skaat 🏹
Say War War War with Serhat 🧨
On, Bettina Soriat! ↗️
For your lady, Kabát 🙋‍♀️

Play on, Pihasoittajat 🎻
Live up Yüksek Sadakat 🖖
Ambush Shiru Ladakat 🚨
Tell them bye bye CatCat ✌️

Armour, ammo, Bem bomb 💣

Gracia, don’t run and hide 🙈
We’ll beat Gina Genocide 🪩
Ryan, make sure we survive 💔
Don’t cry, you’re still alive! 🙌

TWiiNS 👯‍♀️

Based on Finland 2018
Saara Aalto — Monsters

Slice of bread
I’m ready to eat it
Toaster’s done
And soon it’s going to feed me

So I’m smearing it with butter, cheese and lettuce
Fresh tomatoes, jam and mayonnaise

But I couldn’t hold on to this sandwich anymore
Felt it slipping through my fingers as I crossed the floor
On my way to fetch some kitchen roll
Gravity took its toll
I could try to pick it up, but is it fine or spoiled?
How am I to know?

So how am… how am…
How am I to know?

Seconds pass
I’ve made no decision
I don’t know what to do
This needs some revision

As I watch the mayo chaos
This traumatic moment keeps replaying in my head

I just couldn’t hold on to my sandwich anymore
I could feel it slipping from my hands and hit the floor
Landed on the tiles and made a splat
Wrong way up, but of course
I could try to brush it off, but is it clean or soiled?
How am… how am…
How am I to know?

Ooooh…
How am I to know?

No… no… I give up, I give uuuuuuuup​

I just couldn’t hold on to that sandwich anymore
Now I’m gonna pick it up and eat it, is that flawed?
But is it quite safe, I’m still not sure
Compromising might work
So I’m gonna kneel right down and eat it off that floor
Am I… Am I…
Am I scared of geeeeeeeeerms?

How am… How am…
How am I to know?
How am… How am…
Maybe I’ll just starve

Based on Ireland 1980

 
 

At my request, the Producer has kindly taken down the text of this alternative lyric.

Thank you, Andy.

I poured my heart and soul into this AL in an attempt, in part, to grapple the grief that girds me. It is no longer as piercing as it once was, but it lingers. This AL represents a public display of my grief and I now wish it to return to the privacy of my own mind.

It is a poetic irony that this AL will remain in memory only.
I am at peace with that.

— Esker

Based on Portugal 2011
Homens da Luta — A luta é alegria

We’re picketing the office of Christer Björkman
We’ll protest till he brings back the Monegasque
On Malta and SM it’s an unfair burden
To showcase microstates is a macro task

They’ve been gone since forever
At least Séverine Ferrer
We’re overdue a sequel to Coco-Dance

Why else would Liechtenstein have a TV station
If not to stuff the contest with yodel tracks?
Unless all microstates get participation
They’ll just be known as havens for dodging tax

Let Schaan host in their theatre
The stage is one square metre
It’s next to Hilti Aktiengesellschaft

If only Biggi Bachmann’s body had been bigger
Enough to fill a swimming pool with just one finger
That might’ve made them big enough to have a singer
My Little Cowboy could’ve been a weeny winner

Don’t brag about Luxembourg with us
We mean lands so small they can’t fill one bus
The Isle of Man has just one post box
‘Cause it’s just one man living on some rocks

Perhaps the Vatican might send something religious
Such as a Mormon or a band of Hare Krishnas?
They could try Senhit but their wealth can’t beat her stickers
Or keep it local, maybe they could find some fiddlers?

Andorra wasn’t liked much by other nations
The only small state where one can’t bribe a judge
Their forward-thinking fashions brought us elation
But now it’s just mistaken for a map smudge

Mount Athos has believers
And surely tonnes of divas
They’d hear the cheers from Greece when they give douze points

How could Australia be let in before Sealand‽
They didn’t even check to see what’s round New Zealand
Such as the Federated States of Micronesia
Nauruan guanopop could be a wee crowd pleaser

We want the Big 5 to be shrunk down
Swapped for dots of sand that will all soon drown
We’re yet to hear Tuvalu’s own sounds
Though their .tv’s where the contest’s found

Sure it’s a start Russia’s twice been banned
But let’s not ban bands from Bashkortostan
Though there’s a chance it’s a made-up land
Of the Bashkir songs we’re already fans

Hey look it’s Marta Roure, taller than a steeple!
We thought that microstates were lands for little people?
Discrimination against dwarves we thought was evil
Guess we can go home now we know they’re being legal

Besides, they’d only end up sending more Ralph Siegel