Based on Cyprus 1998
Michalis Hatzigiannis — Genesis
Life didn’t start out easy for me, really
My symptoms from the start so very clear
With all the doctors, treatments, medications
A cure not found, they did not persevere, no
I sing this song to you out of frustration
For my life this is not what I had planned
Surely you will soon pray for my salvation
Once I clarify, I think you’ll understand
Allergies (Allergies!)
They make me fall apart
Cannot list them by heart
They leave me in a state of hysteria
Allergies (Allergies!)
They say I have them all
Throughout life it has been my downfall
All that’s left is see shows by Eleftheria
Allergies
Allergies ☹
[pity panflute]
Now this isn’t the end of my dramatics
Examples will make it clearer, so you’ll see
Find out why my life’s been so problematic
Because of all those crappy allergies
Can’t have cheese (Any cheese)
As is or in a sauce
No feta makes me cross
No cheese that comes from Kos or other area
Leafy trees (Make him sneeze)
Floating pollen in the air
Makes me red and itchy and in despair
It’s everywhere, not even safe in Bulgaria
Then there’s bees (Yes, the bees)
Their sting can make me dead
So much worse than some gluten in my bread
What can I do? Someone please do some brujería!
Now turn the volume up
A place where all we come
A place for nerds like Yami
Since I've lived in Sild's shade
Only Harrow to blame
Ben(NL) is my hero
But September is up
another contest to come
another chance to aspire
No one knows who I am
But you don't give a damn
Sarah Bray, go inspire!
MB Baby
Here since 2000something
Contest crazy
Great ESC is starting
Spin off contests
ALC, BOTY, others
And yearly meetups!
Wordle daily
'T used to be with titles
Now they, got us guessing names of artists
Michael Teschl
Feeling depressed and bitter
Bring us the old one now!
Don't take that look with me
You rhyme better? We'll see
Voting like Maltese juries
Esker hates this I bet
What is this? I forget
Dissing y'all undercover
My posts went on next page
Some trolls making me rage
Baby, don't call me BEJBA!
MB Baby
Here since 2000something
Contest crazy
Great ESC is starting
Spin off contests
ALC, BOTY, others
And yearly meetups, wow!
(Getting shady)
(Are you ready?)
One PerBjo group got all my favorite songs
Italomaniacs, obsessed Francophones
I wanna qualify but all that I know
one random quirky song will sweep all the votes 🤬
(MB Baby) Ugh
(Arctic Andy)
MB lately all I do is wonder
Will I ever find a better lover
Upload myself
Into a code of Python
Marry the MB NOW!
Doing laundry is not for me
I would rather sell worn out Jeeps
(Or dust or sweep)
Lest someone would pay to do it
But no money can give me glee
Whirlpool, LG, all bad for me
(Samsung’s phony)
Lest someone could stay to do it
Can’t stand the smell of this weird goo
I hate detergent, that’s my view
Dance, tell a prayer, do kung fu
I’d win a grand slam
To have your help here
Doing laundry is not for me
Let me deep-clean the toilet seat
(Get groceries)
Come along, please do, I’m buying
[End of cycle signal]
Laundry fini!
I just wash but never dry it
This thing, stupid, has no Reload*
The temperature remains so low
The pride I feel when I press Go
Can’t stop the feeling
Of my heart bleeding
You were cruelly taken from me
Truly, you need to come back here
(Come here, I plea)
To spend one more day in your arms
I’d do laundry
***
* A function in some washing machines to add clothing while doing laundry (Source)
Based on United Kingdom 2023
Mae Muller — I Wrote a Song
Ooh yeah!
Ooh!
Browsin’ in Marks and Spencer’s
Selectin’ new underwear
Likin’ the look of big knickers, yeah
So comfy, maybe austere
So confused, I gotta
Choose some pants to wear in France
And hope a boy may see
Granny knicks seem more appropes
But: “sexy as can be”
So yeah, I bought a thong
To aid my hunt for schlong
Red really sets the tone
Hot men – they’re comin’ home Oui, vin blanc - sauvignon
But should it feel like this?
Barbed wire’d be the same
To rub against my clit
Won’t have to wear it long
Da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da
Pain must be undergone
Da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da
Oh crap, I hate this thong
I keep my cool and composure
In evil sous-vêtements
This château got some real hot men, baby
They notice my pert tétons
Oh, my poor li’l
Punani is split in two
Stuck miles up my ass
Pubic hair: escapin’ out
Cos I forgot to wax
So yeah, this stupid thong
Just gotta suck it up
I cringe when I sit down
Refresh my solo cup
Let’s look around just now -
Potential beaux galore
But this is… holy cow!
I’ve never been so sore
My thong’s declaring war
Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow
Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow
Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow
This party – I belong
Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow
Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow
Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow
The pain - I can’t prolong
Bonsoir, Pierre, ça va, copain?
Would you lend me ta main?
At last! I’ve ditched the thong
My fanny’s so relieved
Pierre: a gentleman
It feels like I can breathe
But what is this discharge?
Fuck’s sake: I can’t believe
Must google “lady thrush”
Would not happen to Niamh
Based on Austria 2023
Teya & Salena — Who the Hell Is Edgar?
Oh my God, your essay’s just flawless!
Well, I used DONG for most parts You used what? Excuse me?
There’s a tool I’ve created – I’ve released it almost free
It’s the future of AI, so forget ChatGPT
The Device, that’s yet to brand, uses Open Neural Glan(d)s
Mh-mh
If you need a fine discourse, just resort to this machine
Throw some keywords in and press “Go!” – the result is on the screen
Yeah, its output is top-notch, it’s impossible to botch
Mh-mh
What’s this spectre? My text bursts with connectors!
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
So, so, so, so, so
For, for, for, for, for
Though, though, though, though, though
Notwithstanding, notwithstanding
So, so, so, so, so
For, for, for, for, for
Though, though, though, though, though
Likewise, furthermore
If you want to talk with strangers but don’t know their tongue
Get your smartphone near your mouth and speak your words,
translation’s done by DONG (¡yay!)
Have you maybe been hit on by a clown?
Look at all these options you can use to turn him down!
Non, non, non, non, non
Lo, lo, lo, lo, lo
Jo, jo, jo, jo, jo
Tidak, oxi, tidak, oxi
Non, non, non, non, non
Lo, lo, lo, lo, lo
Jo, jo, jo, jo, jo
Tidak, oxi
Where’s that funny voice from?
(Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong)
What’s this devil? (Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong,Dong) (Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong)
My speech reached a new level! (Use your package, use your package) (Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong)
What’s this phantom? (Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong) (Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong)
Got new skills I can’t fathom! (Start an intercourse)
CSD, how can I assist?
Please hold one sec, there’s no need to be so pissed
I'll put you on the mailing list
You’ll know when these bugs are all fixed
I’m aware of my mission
Now all texts seem suspicious
Plus the voice recognition’s meh
And no, it can’t deal with “accents”
Duh!
(Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong)
What’s this protest? (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh) (Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong) (Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong)
These demands leave me so stressed! (Not that perfect, not that perfect) (Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong)
What’s this nightmare? (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh) (Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong) (Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong)
It will work smoothly, I swear! (So deceitful, so deceitful)
(Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong)
What’s this threat note? (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh) (Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong) (Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong)
I submitted a fair quote! (Give their fees back, give their fees back) (Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong)
What’s this siren? (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh) (Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong) (Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong)
Please use DONG for my chyron! (What a scandal, what a scandal)
What’s this sentence? I will show no repentance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh It’s just for the name, dork!
Based on Yugoslavia 1982
Aska — Halo, halo (live version)
[BEFORE THE CALL] ♪ ♫ ♬ (Will it be Käärijä or Loreen? Let’s watch the show and soon we will find out!) 🙂
[AFTER THE CALL ] 𝄞 ♫ ♬ (Jesus, if only I had known... I would have watched the news instead) 🙁
Last May I decided I would vote
Help Finns win the contest for a change
Should I text or call?
Use the app?
Calling’s cheaper
So I called Digame*
No one should go through what happened next (Yes Dígame?)**
Televoting haunts me to this day (Yes Dígame?)
When my call got through
no one spoke
it was eerie, the ordeal had begun:
“Hello? Is anybody there?”
“Dígame?”
“Watcha mean Dígame? It is ME that has asked you!!!”
“Hello? Could someone count my vote?”
“Dígame?”
“What the fuck’s going on, all I want
is an answer!!!!”
“Please man, tell me what I have to do!!!”
“Yes Dígame?”
“Will you please just stop repeating that?!?!?”
“Yes Dígame?”
“Is this Österdahl?!?”
“Dígame?”
“ALL I WANT IS TO VOTE FOR CHA CHA CHA!!!!”
“Please help, I’ve pulled out all my hair!”
“Dígame?”
“For fuck’s sake, what is this, count my vote, you’re Loreen aren’t you????”
“Diga, Diga, Diga, Diga...Dígame?”
“Oh my god, this is Måns isn’t it?!? VOTE FOR FINLAND!!!!”
“Diga, diga, diga, diga... Dígame?”
“I’m in hell, it’s Carola, The Ark and John Lundvik too !!!!”
“Diga, diga, diga, diga... Dígame?”
“I give up, fuck you all, you know what? VOTE FOR SWEDEN!!!”
“Thank you”
OH NO
FINLAND LOST BY JUST ONE POINT 😣
*Digame is the company based in Germany that is responsible for collecting and tabulating the phone and text votes during Eurovision
**Dígame: it’s what most Spaniards say when they answer the phone (“Hello?” in English)
Based on Germany 1999
Sürpriz — Reise nach Jerusalem – Kudüs'e Seyahat
Hello, hello, come and hear about all the perverts of the Zodiac
Sit down, sit down, Mars is on the rise, and the Moon is full of lust tonight
Hurry, hurry, here's some "tea" for you: Venus's in conjunction with Neptune
♈ Aries men are pounders, joy is The Ram in Uranus
♉ Wear something both slutty and red, to titillate a Taurus
♊ Shagging The Twins: a two-in-one
Two-man threesomes, oh my! - You, Gem and I
Sit down, sit down, Mars is on the rise, and the Moon is full of lust tonight
Hurry, hurry, here's some "tea" for you: Venus's in conjunction with Neptune
♋ Just look at Cancer's sign, they love to sixty-nine
♌ Leos devour carcass, on booty meat they dine
♍ Virgos, you'd think are pure and dull - just look at their numbers, y'all
Biggest sluts of all!
Sit down, sit down, Mars is on the rise, and the Moon is full of lust tonight
Hurry, hurry, here's some "tea" for you: Venus's in conjunction with Neptune
♎ Libras love to talk dirty when they fuck
♏ Penetration of the skin, Scorpio's the king of sin
♐ Sags got stellar aim, they'd win any game
Now a sign that's ruled by the cockrings of Saturn
♑ Capricorns are whores, they put the 'horn' in horny
♒ Watersports are fun, when Aquarius' the sign of the sun
♓ Pisces broads are wet, and great in bed
So long, so long, now you know about all the perverts of the Zodiac
Listen, listen, for a lick of coin, we would like to read your "whoroscope"
Haha, haha, would you look at that!? There's perversion in your natal chart!
You are, you are, just the sign we need, to complete an orgy with all twelve
Let us, let us, let us take your hand and then guide you to the promised land
Come on, come on, cum and join the fun with the perverts of the Zodiac
In Québec, Canada, I was the queen of the chanson
By air, travelled, to sing (très bien)
Jubilee of Céline's great win,
Felt like I'd been drinking strong liqueur
And something strange was starting to occur,
Always bloated and in a bad mood
Then to my horror the doctor said...
"Don't eat croissants"
J'suis sans les sandwichs de jambon et cornichon
Nor macarons,
Cause I've been feeling lethargy,
I'm unhappy
So if there's dough, oh, that's how it's made,
Then it will be too glutinous for me,
No more brioche,
With marmalade or jam again,
How unpleasant!
So from my diet, I've given up,
Couronnes et tarte tatin,
Je cherche l'amour, je n'trouve rien
Comme dans mon sac du pain
I have never been nonchalant,
With others I can't reach a state of détente,
I'd made a clear hotel demand,
But to my terror the cleaners said...
"What you don't want,
Is to turn the pillows over, because there's blood"
What an affront!
I wasn't treated like mother, more a weird aunt
But I won't stop,
These ordeals will be worth it when I've won,
I'm sat in the green room, it's nearly done
"Votes for France"
I'm sure the public love me - time for Graham to read out my score...
JUST FIFTY POINTS TO FRANCE?!
You know what, fuck this, you have no taste
I don't understand, why you all hate me
Évidemment
This misery all started with the time I ate
That damn croissant!
