Based on Austria 2016
Zoë — Loin d'ici

As I am sleeping, I’m dreaming of dessert
Though I’m on a diet, you see.
My dietician said “meals that are fat free”
But I can’t hold on, so I scream!

Banoffee with a lot whipped cream
And then some choc’late chip cookies
Huge sundae with five scoops ice cream
I want them, I need them.
Big cheesecake and fruit marmelade
Or maybe well burnt crème brûlée
An extra fat vanilla shake
I’m doomed now.

What am I doing? He said “no sugar”, damn!
Natalia sung “Give me some”.
But maybe she meant those sugar supplements
Hell what does she know? Nothing.

Brown sugar does not taste the same
It is a lie that people say.
It’s 4 AM but I don’t need sleep
I need that sweet feeling.

Fudge brownies or red velvet cake
Tiramisu with no caffeine
All these desserts got me thinking
Is this just a dream?

Oh no, I see the fridge, it’s empty
I dress up, find the keys
Driving off to my sweet kingdom!

I take the car, now I see
That it’s all dark in the city
Where will I find my sweet pastry?
All shops have long closed!
Found a store with no alarms
I pick the lock, I’m such a scum
Grab out my spoon, attack that cake
Delicious, nutritious!

I ate some sweets
I fell asleep
The morning came
I’m still here, oh damn man!
The owner came he is angry
- ‘’I’ll call police!”
- “Oh please dear sir this is absurd
I will refund!”

Based on Germany 1986
Ingrid Peters — Über die Brücke geh’n

I grab a book – Death of Ivan Ilyich
But I feel this pain, whine like an addict
Then it absconds! It’s clear wine is cruel when I’m down
Nearly beginning, it’s 9 or thereabout – Here we go!

#EurovisionAgain, what year are we to sustain?
I open Twitter and grab a pen to start writing
Can no longer feel zen! Upcoming hours in pain
Already trending; to be precise in a part of Israel

The telecast starts with Te Deum pride
But what’s the plan? Depicting homicide?!
It’s just too weird! Reeks like pandering to the mob
No extra graphics – I want my Contest pure, oh no!

#EurovisionAgain, too dumb to read? Just insane!
Meanwhile on Twitter: no one knows when to start voting
Now the results are in! Winter has now just begun
As the whole ranking is paradise for the tasteless, all expelled!!!

#EurovisionAgain, ReorderBoard puts a stain
My vital organs fail as the lands don’t stop moving

As the wrong country wins, I know for sure: I am done
I want to thank all who killed my night and my voice, cause’ I have yelled
See you next month in hell!

Based on Spain 1983
Remedios Amaya — ¿Quién maneja mi barca?

Who stole the titular bell from Big Ben?
A robbery that shocked London, my friends,
It's true, I recently went to Big Ben,
And sure enough it was silent again

Ay, it's a crime that's so dark,
Who would commit such a deed
Maybe a Finn with their markka,
Purloined it for a Helsinki clock tower

I searched round London but I couldn't find a friend,
It causes me so much pain, again, I'll have to get on the train, no!

A man I saw on the train said "it's Isis
I know that it's a political crisis"
They'll melt it to make weapons,
By which I mean the Polish singer with that shrill voice... *eehhhehee*

Who stole the titular bell from Big Ben?
Was it those famous Great Train Robbery men?
Or maybe Bonnie and Clyde brought a friend,
Robin Hood reincarnated again?

I travelled to Scotland Yard, and,
They just looked at me funny,
They didn't listen to me,
Said something odd,
About some engineering...

A Spanish restaurant I thought would be a safe place,
But there it was staring at me on the menu,
The salsa comes with BELL peppers!

By now it dawned on me, I couldn't escape this,
I had been chosen to pursue this mystery,
I knew that I had to solve it,
For all those who missed that lovely sound of "dong... diiiiiiing"

Who stole the titular bell from Big Ben?
An Estonian visitor from Tallinn ?
Or did Massiel take it as a fill-in?
For her Franco-funded complex in Jaén?

I knew that I had the answer,
After this long deliberation,
It was that prick who took my boat,
Who sailed down the river,
And took the bell

Then the boat sunk near Tilbury, stupid boy! Ay!

Based on Bosnia and Herzegovina 2002
Maja Tatić — Na jastuku za dvoje

What an intro
To a day so messy
Touched my cat when
Folding nylon bed sheets
Itchy foot, wild hair
Maybe it's one of those days
Didn't give attention
Suddenly the oven resonates!

My t-shirt - OH NO
Somehow soiled with loose dirt
I shake it all off
But cannot remove it

I'm calling my employer
Say I'm in a bind
But the phone starts dying
Clinging to my hand
Now icing sugar
Covers all my
Surface area

I tried to use the toilet
Sadly, didn't last
Toiletries and tissues
Hit my fanny fast
There's a shampoo jar
Hanging out from
My poor labia
Think that means my own
Electric charge is high

(wa dow pa pa pa pa)
(wa dow pa pa pa pa)
(wa dow pa pa pa pa)
(wa dow pa da pa pa da pa pow)

Like a true pro
Dealing this condition
Slipping on a breastplate
Minimising friction
Stepped out, main street
Maybe buy some lemonade
Was a wrong decision
Caused a bus collision, right there

Ideal plan? OH NO
All the stoplights flicker
And then they've gone off
I just want home sooner

I'm Maja the Destroyer
All I do is harm
Leaves stick to my dry hair
And my underarm
Just felt a booger
Drawn to me from
A pedestrian

I'm starting to enjoy it
Shopping free of charge
Store is selling neat shoes?
I just stand outside
Though it's a burden
I've attracted
Half of Bosnia
When I go back home
I'll thank my useful cat

(pa da pa pa da pa pow)

Based on Spain 2007
D'NASH — I Love You Mi Vida

(hey hey, ho!)
(hey hey, ho!)

I don’t know, what came over me
You were cute and a charmer too
so before I knew, you had moved in too
we even got a doggie

But soon after that, things went very wrong
I found condom boxes, that we hadn't used
so tell me cabrón, where are all they now
are they all used somewhere else

I swear I will find them one day
and catch you in the act so cabrón

I hate your guts baby (yes I do)
you’re nothing but rubbish, a big pile of shit
you fucked all the neighbors, you fucked the 3 doormen
and the milkman too, and the postman too

I hate your guts baby (yes I do)
You took all my money, drove off in my car
you took out a loan, in my fucking name
and left me for good, and left me for good

(hey, hey, ho!)

I keep finding out, what you did to me
you fucked my best friend, and her girlfriend too
you sold my good china, you auctioned my ring
the one from our wedding

Get ready you huge motherfucker
Cos I’m coming right after you

I hate your guts baby, (yes I do)
You’re nothing but garbage, a huge pile of shit
But I’ve caught your scent now, nothing will stop me
I’ll find you, I know- I’ll find you, I know

I hate your guts baby (yes I do)
I went to the dealer’s and bought me 8 guns
Go to the range daily, and practise on targets
with your face on them, with your face on them

(hey, hey, ho!)
I hate your guts baby
(hey, hey ,ho!)
I FOUND YOU CABRON!

It wasn’t that hard, after all
All I had to do was follow the string
of discarded condoms, all 900 of them
time for the showdown, cos we’re nearing dawn

Got something to tell me, you cabrón!
I’m ready to shoot you, right there on the balls
but you aren’t worth it, so give me my money
and leave me for good, and leave me for good

(BOOM!)

Based on Malta 1972
Helen & Joseph — L-imħabba

We bet our house on Toše Proeski
And spent the next two years in a tent
Then Roger Cicero bombed unfairly
And once again our savings were spent

But now we’ve got some more predictions
The kinks have all been fixed, we had our forecasts mixed
We can foresee deadly afflictions
Somebody warn Barbara Dex, we’ve worked out she’ll perish next

We’re not that worried about James Newman
In fact the odds on him are dead last
The next to die of all British entrants
Is Bonnie Tyler in a gas blast

When did you last check Siw Malmkvist’s Wiki?
We’ll give you 2 to 1 that she’s dead
We can but hope that Jedward die quickly
But there’s more chance they’ll mitose and spread

At last, Senhit can be a winner
We’ll give you 6 to 1 for two of six4one
We set a private eye on Sigga
She’s got a bit of a limp, we’ve bet she’ll die in a blimp

We reckon Gerli will outlive Tanel
And both the Vissis will die at once
We used to call up singers to warn them
But in response, they just called us cu...

[Unscheduled orchestral interruption]

It’s almost morbid ranking juniors
But it’ll take the sting off Bzikebi drowning
Those early ones drop dead like boomers
Nicolas Ganopoulos was nabbed by an albatross

There’s breaking news that Riccardo Fogli
...is still in great health at ninety eight
That is a little bit of a downer
I guess the anthrax we sent is late

Well not to worry, we’re both dead too

Based on Spain 1980
Trigo Limpio — Quédate esta noche

I was scared
It flew through the window
Oh so scared
Pigeon by the window
What to do?
This was not same window
I say, bird
Go to other window

Bird can’t hear
Flies against the window
I explain
Bird prefers closed window
I get stressed
Just like bird in window
Must help bird
Leave through open window

It was a Sunday just like any other
I had just laid down for a nap
But there was booming and banging
And also some clanging before I got up

Out of the bedroom I wonder ‘¿Qué pasa?’
At first I had thought something fell down
But soon I saw what had gone on in my casa
The pigeon looked at me with a frown

¿No, por qué?
Should have closed the window
Sunny June
Left that open window
Pigeon bird
Flew in from the window
So I’m screwed
By the stupid window

Windows may not be so smart
The bird does fly into the glass
Go where y’got in, to start?
Please don’t panic too hard
Fast beat both of our hearts, you trespass

Pigeon’s way out is so close
Go to your freedom right there
The fresh air you can feel and the wind on your wings
Just go more to the right, my Miguel

Please just stop
Flying on the window
Let me guide
To the open window
Give me trust
I point to the window
It’s alright
Look, the other window

Now I see
Bird shit by the window
Don’t be scared
Just fly out the window
My Miguel
Bird there by the window
I named you
Weird, I know, but window

Come on now
The wide open window
Yes, that’s right
Move toward the window
Inch by inch
Closer to the window
There you go
Up and out the window

Bye, Miguel!

Based on Denmark 1999
Michael Teschl and Trine Jepsen — This Time I Mean It

*Trine gently weeps*

Michael Teschl sucks at Wordle

*Trine weeps some more*

Yes, I know what it's all about! I just can't friggin’ figure out…
Simple words from the ESC. My first try, and it's not "BITTI"

🤍💛🤍🤍🤍

All I have is a yellow "I”, no ideas for my second try
No, wait, "MUNDO"! My guess number two

🤍💛🤍🤍🤍

Now I have a misplaced "U"

I guess I just suck hard at Wordle. Can’t think of five letter words
Everyday it’s such a hurdle! I always fail, and it hurts
Everyone else shares their row of green hearts, in just two, three or four attempts
I'm just such a "CLOWN" at this Wordle

🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

Not a single letter's right

Oh, come on! Change your attitude! Be a man, grow the fuck up dude!
You just need a brand-new approach! Now come on, let me be your coach

You know the word has an "I" and "U", think of words that contain those two

Oh, like "ADIEU"! I’m sure that’s it!

🤍🤍💚🤍💚

Now my "I" and "U" both fit!!!

I used to think this game was too hard, this time I’m doing just fine
I have this feeling in my heart, it’s time to rise and to "SHINE"!

💚💚💚🤍🤍

The first three are green! That has never happened, and I know the last letter too!
All I need to find is the fourth one, I’ll try "R" before the "U"

💚💚💚💚💚

This time you finally did it! In all green it says "SHIRU"

Based on Turkey 1982
Neco — Hani

NECO:	Army of Queens:
Something's been on my mind	What's up, honey?
Think it's kinda sublime	Go on, honey!
Seems like all of the time	We say honey?
Honey
So I simply must ask	Oh shoot, honey!
Is it trendy or task	Trendy, honey!
Self indulgence or mask?	It's both, honey!
Honey
At first when I heard it I felt
That it sounded quite condescending
Then you kept saying it and it turned to
Something that I can't explain
Like I'm under a spell	Magic, honey!
Dreams of gold and pastel	Pastels, honey?
You're the ghost, I'm the shell	So dark, honey!
Honey
So tell me what did you do?	What now, honey?
Maybe you're some kind of shrew?	You bet, honey!
Or simply Winnie The Pooh?	A bear, honey!
Honey
There's no choice, I've got to chime in
Look at me, I feel ready
Straighten my shoulders, I take a deep breath
World look out, and feel my sass!
World look out, and feel my sass!
Honey, honey!
Honey, honey!
Honey, honey!
Can't help heaving a sigh	Honey!
Tiny tear in my eye	Honey!
Happily I comply	Honey, honey, honey!
Makes you sound really kind	Chi Chi, honey!
Even kinda refined	Posh Spice, honey!
Perfectly well designed	Tim Gunn, honey, honey, honey!
Hey hey hey hey…
Love how you make me soar	Fly high, honey!
Now I only want more!	Greedy, honey!
Oh you're the cum, I'm the whore!	Calm down, honey!
HONEY!

Based on Finland 2022
The Rasmus — Jezebel

I thought that I could rip your face off
Fling shit with full impunity
Jerk off in full view of my sisters
Climb up and piss on them from trees
Hoped hair would coat my hairless body
I’d grow a big prehensile cock
All this and more when I contracted

Monkeypox
I somehow thought it would be more fun
What with the cheeky things monkeys do
Like stealing stuff and infanticide
But instead
It’s throbbing buboes and muscle aches
My dick is itchy and so’s my face
More anal blisters than I’ve had cocks
Up my arse

Living hell

I guess I ought to have known better
I went through all this as a boy
The same regret when I came down with

Chickenpox (such a crock)
I really thought I would start to cluck (bock-bock-bock)
I longed to lay eggs, just one or two (no such luck)
Fly a bit, even if not that far
But instead (speckled red)
I itched like fuck for about ten days (slathered in)
And all I scratched was my spotty face (calamine)
Oh, how I wished a cloaca’d form
In my arse

But say a pox somehow allowed you
To look and act just like its name
You’d get that creature’s superpowers
And no shame

Doggypox...? (Doggypox!)
I would be able to lick my balls (endless fun)
I’d sniff your taint every time you move (nose to bum)
And hump your leg whenever I’m hard
Clownfishpox…? (Clownfishpox!)
I could end up in a Pixar film (face on screen)
Learn how to switch up my sex at will (flick that bean)
Might even mean I could fuck myself

Now, what else…?

Giraffepox! (tongue so long)
Cobrapox! (double cock)
Want the lot!