Remedios Marple in: A Campanological Caper

Based on Spain 1983
Remedios Amaya — ¿Quién maneja mi barca?

Who stole the titular bell from Big Ben?
A robbery that shocked London, my friends,
It's true, I recently went to Big Ben,
And sure enough it was silent again

Ay, it's a crime that's so dark,
Who would commit such a deed
Maybe a Finn with their markka,
Purloined it for a Helsinki clock tower

I searched round London but I couldn't find a friend,
It causes me so much pain, again, I'll have to get on the train, no!

A man I saw on the train said "it's Isis
I know that it's a political crisis"
They'll melt it to make weapons,
By which I mean the Polish singer with that shrill voice... *eehhhehee*

Who stole the titular bell from Big Ben?
Was it those famous Great Train Robbery men?
Or maybe Bonnie and Clyde brought a friend,
Robin Hood reincarnated again?

I travelled to Scotland Yard, and,
They just looked at me funny,
They didn't listen to me,
Said something odd,
About some engineering...

A Spanish restaurant I thought would be a safe place,
But there it was staring at me on the menu,
The salsa comes with BELL peppers!

By now it dawned on me, I couldn't escape this,
I had been chosen to pursue this mystery,
I knew that I had to solve it,
For all those who missed that lovely sound of "dong... diiiiiiing"

Who stole the titular bell from Big Ben?
An Estonian visitor from Tallinn ?
Or did Massiel take it as a fill-in?
For her Franco-funded complex in Jaén?

I knew that I had the answer,
After this long deliberation,
It was that prick who took my boat,
Who sailed down the river,
And took the bell

Then the boat sunk near Tilbury, stupid boy! Ay!