Based on Denmark 1999
Michael Teschl and Trine Jepsen — This Time I Mean It

*Trine gently weeps*

Michael Teschl sucks at Wordle

*Trine weeps some more*

Yes, I know what it's all about! I just can't friggin’ figure out…
Simple words from the ESC. My first try, and it's not "BITTI"

🤍💛🤍🤍🤍

All I have is a yellow "I”, no ideas for my second try
No, wait, "MUNDO"! My guess number two

🤍💛🤍🤍🤍

Now I have a misplaced "U"

I guess I just suck hard at Wordle. Can’t think of five letter words
Everyday it’s such a hurdle! I always fail, and it hurts
Everyone else shares their row of green hearts, in just two, three or four attempts
I'm just such a "CLOWN" at this Wordle

🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

Not a single letter's right

Oh, come on! Change your attitude! Be a man, grow the fuck up dude!
You just need a brand-new approach! Now come on, let me be your coach

You know the word has an "I" and "U", think of words that contain those two

Oh, like "ADIEU"! I’m sure that’s it!

🤍🤍💚🤍💚

Now my "I" and "U" both fit!!!

I used to think this game was too hard, this time I’m doing just fine
I have this feeling in my heart, it’s time to rise and to "SHINE"!

💚💚💚🤍🤍

The first three are green! That has never happened, and I know the last letter too!
All I need to find is the fourth one, I’ll try "R" before the "U"

💚💚💚💚💚

This time you finally did it! In all green it says "SHIRU"

Based on Turkey 1982
Neco — Hani

NECO:	Army of Queens:
Something's been on my mind	What's up, honey?
Think it's kinda sublime	Go on, honey!
Seems like all of the time	We say honey?
Honey
So I simply must ask	Oh shoot, honey!
Is it trendy or task	Trendy, honey!
Self indulgence or mask?	It's both, honey!
Honey
At first when I heard it I felt
That it sounded quite condescending
Then you kept saying it and it turned to
Something that I can't explain
Like I'm under a spell	Magic, honey!
Dreams of gold and pastel	Pastels, honey?
You're the ghost, I'm the shell	So dark, honey!
Honey
So tell me what did you do?	What now, honey?
Maybe you're some kind of shrew?	You bet, honey!
Or simply Winnie The Pooh?	A bear, honey!
Honey
There's no choice, I've got to chime in
Look at me, I feel ready
Straighten my shoulders, I take a deep breath
World look out, and feel my sass!
World look out, and feel my sass!
Honey, honey!
Honey, honey!
Honey, honey!
Can't help heaving a sigh	Honey!
Tiny tear in my eye	Honey!
Happily I comply	Honey, honey, honey!
Makes you sound really kind	Chi Chi, honey!
Even kinda refined	Posh Spice, honey!
Perfectly well designed	Tim Gunn, honey, honey, honey!
Hey hey hey hey…
Love how you make me soar	Fly high, honey!
Now I only want more!	Greedy, honey!
Oh you're the cum, I'm the whore!	Calm down, honey!
HONEY!

Based on Finland 2022
The Rasmus — Jezebel

I thought that I could rip your face off
Fling shit with full impunity
Jerk off in full view of my sisters
Climb up and piss on them from trees
Hoped hair would coat my hairless body
I’d grow a big prehensile cock
All this and more when I contracted

Monkeypox
I somehow thought it would be more fun
What with the cheeky things monkeys do
Like stealing stuff and infanticide
But instead
It’s throbbing buboes and muscle aches
My dick is itchy and so’s my face
More anal blisters than I’ve had cocks
Up my arse

Living hell

I guess I ought to have known better
I went through all this as a boy
The same regret when I came down with

Chickenpox (such a crock)
I really thought I would start to cluck (bock-bock-bock)
I longed to lay eggs, just one or two (no such luck)
Fly a bit, even if not that far
But instead (speckled red)
I itched like fuck for about ten days (slathered in)
And all I scratched was my spotty face (calamine)
Oh, how I wished a cloaca’d form
In my arse

But say a pox somehow allowed you
To look and act just like its name
You’d get that creature’s superpowers
And no shame

Doggypox...? (Doggypox!)
I would be able to lick my balls (endless fun)
I’d sniff your taint every time you move (nose to bum)
And hump your leg whenever I’m hard
Clownfishpox…? (Clownfishpox!)
I could end up in a Pixar film (face on screen)
Learn how to switch up my sex at will (flick that bean)
Might even mean I could fuck myself

Now, what else…?

Giraffepox! (tongue so long)
Cobrapox! (double cock)
Want the lot!

Based on Turkey 1996
Şebnem Paker — Beşinci mevsim

Though it is Euroweek, can't let your fitness slip
Even when you're a Euro Fan
If only there's a gym, that lets you mix the two
Well have I got good news for you!

Health for you, fitspo too, do not wait longer
Come sign-up, then warm-up, it's just five dollars

Welcome to Eurogym, come get your workout in
Our trainers you should know well
This is the Eurogym, now let the tour begin
Then take the package you prefer

We've Alice Babs on abs, Bob Benny on the bench
Get in your sit-ups with Çetin
Learn Poli's pullup form, join Tajci's Tai chi group
Pilates led by Pollapönk

There's Sarbel, on barbells, come tell him Yassou
Tereza will make sure you're on the treadmill

Just push on through the pain
You'll soon leg-press Loreen
Try lift our Koit-tle bells

Yoga with Yohanna, Elpidalliptical
Trintje will make your triceps swell

Based on Serbia and Montenegro 2004
Željko Joksimović & Ad Hoc Orchestra — Lane moje

im pammy help mee outt
de son has jus deaded outt
eurovision 2024gonna flopp a way
cancellato even bee

i am pammy help mee outt
at leest vote at my pole
Y is none anserin mee
de son is deaded offf!!!!

i am pammy i not crasy
but sum vody haz to sea
son on turin is kaputto
Y no vody care for mee :(

( im not on drags, i am a drag)
( wach my videoes at leest)

i am pammy sum 1 help mee ( i am pammy)
at least vote at my pole ( i am pammy)
Y is none anserin me
de son is deaded offf!!!!!

i am pammy imnot crasy
i jus don no hau too tipe
but I feel like I’m improving
as I’m writing all this shit :D
joke’s on you motherfuckers :)

Based on United Kingdom 1996
Gina G — Ooh Aah... Just a Little Bit

* snazzy intro *

* nervous backings *

... ... ... ... ... ... ...
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
(Has anyone heard from her?)

... ... ... ... ... ... ...
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
(Ooh... hope she’s here soon!!)

(Ooh... err... should someone fill in?)
(Ooh... err... it’s not a great start)
(Ooh... err... think crowd’s noticin’)
... ... ... ... ... ... ...

(Ooh... err... does she have a twin?)
(Ooh... err... or maybe an aunt?)
(Ooh... err... could ask Ingvild Bryn?)
... ... ... ... ... ... ...

* embarrassed dancing *

... ... ... ... ... ... ...
(I phoned her mum, she’s not in)
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
(Where’d she go? I wanna know)

... ... ... ... ... ... ...
(Gina G, where can she B?)
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
(Ooh... what are we gonna do?!)

(Ooh... err... when’s she getting here?)
(Ooh... err... what if she’s a corpse?!)
(Ooh... err... where’d she disappear?)
... ... ... ... ... ... ...

(Ooh... err... do you think she quit?)
(Ooh... err... we could’ve been warned)
(Ooh... err... I feel like a tit)
... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Hey girls!

... ... ... ... ... ... ...

* confused gesturing *

... ... ... ... ... ... ...
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
... ... ... ... ... ... ...

(Oh look, there she is!!)
(Looks like she’s still lost)
(Got directions from)
(George Nussbaumer)

(Gina, over here!)
(You’re still in row four!)
(UP HERE YOU THICK BINT!!)
(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-no...)

(Ooh... err... great, she’s in the lift)
(Ooh... err... and there go the doors)
(Ooh... err... guess we made her miffed)
... ... ... ... ... ... ...

(Ooh... err... let’s just twirl and spin)
(Ooh... err... and scuff up the floor)
(Ooh... err... don’t suppose we’ll win)
... ... ... ... ... ... ...

(Eh-ee-eh-ee-erm)
(Ooh... err... we could do a split?)
(Ooh... err... or flash ‘em our drawers?)
(Ooh... err... that could be a hit)
... ... ... ... ... ... ...

(Ooh... err... welp, let’s go get pissed)
(Ooh... err... and hope we still score)
(With somebody fit)

Based on Austria 1999
Bobbie Singer — Reflection

Don't get sad, I'm your constant companion
Aren't you glad to once again see me?
Now I'm back, can't you feel our love blossoming?
It's a sign you remember our fun

Always we'd be together
I would go everywhere with you
Even in the rooms that you'd go to pee
Such good times in that cocktail bar loo!

But don't you recognise me?
Oh... I'm the itch you can't quite reach
The infection in your pants
Your genital S.T.I.

It's been a long time since your hymen
And your labia minora too
Could I find a much better place? No!
I'd rather be with than without you

Day and night together
I've wrapped myself around your fallopians
I'm cervix diving deeper and deeper
Don't ever think to doubt my devotion

And when you're menstruating
Oh... What a flood of love for me!
Your affectionate S.T.I. (I love you)

Your vajayjay... my oh my!
I applaud your vulvarine (Clap! Clap! Clap!)
(So cosy!)

(Mesmerised) (I love you)

Where we going you and I?
No...

(The local pharmacy!)

You'll be sorry - change your mind

No, don’t use that pessary-y
Or the antibiotics please
Says your loving S.T.I.

[inserts pessary]

OK I'll apologise (Oh baby)
I now know it was unwise
Showing up with U.T.I. (I'm sorry)

[takes antibiotics]

(You don't want me? Oh-Oh-Oh)
(Goodbye now)

See you soon, love S.T.I.

Postscript
ALC Doctor: "Well, AL, you've been horribly infected by additional syllables and stress mismatches. Prognosis? May God have mercy on your Soul."

Based on Netherlands 1988
Gerard Joling — Shangri-La

Gay men!
Free me!
I am new, so help me out

It was on a beach day, I remember very clear,
That they invited and beguiled me
Their speedy lips, their greedy hands were over me
I was green as grass, so blue, startled at what I got in view

I'm a gay man, can you see me
I am new, please try me out

Oooooooohh

I need gay men, if you'd please me
I am new, just use me now

The Maspalomas dunes,
one afternoon in June
a simple invitation

Two gents, both well endowed
nobody else around
"Gay man, want a threesome?"
Who'd resist, I ain't no fool

The Maspalomas dunes,
more joyful afternoons
life changing transformation

Gay men
Eat me
I am new, do ride me now

Oooooooohh

Gay men
Breed me
I am new, now wear me out!

Ooh oh oh oh oh oh
Ooh oh oh oh oh oh

Ooh oh oh oh oh oh
Ooh oh

I've been cruised, regret it now!

Based on Bulgaria 2018
EQUINOX — Bones

Vote as you desire
The stakes are very high
You just pick the phone up
Wait, that’s too old, just text it.
Your favorite’s in danger
You can see it in the odds
Rehearsals haven’t been like
You thought, it smells like NQ.

Now you hope, it’s not worse, than at least
Seven other songs.
But deep down, you just know, that the envelope
Won’t make the correct call.

Still you watch despite the votes
So many tasteless votes
You watch beyond the votes
Don’t care ‘bout the results
We watch beyond the votes.

Estonia just made it
With another country song
Staging was amazing
Guess that’s why they made it

And now I, gotta try, to survive
Yet another fav’rite gone
And to fight, to point out, t’was the staging’s fault
It was a perfect song

Still I watch despite the votes
No regrets that I still vote
I know that I did vote
Even if it ranked dead last
I will keep on the vote
Will never stop the vote
Oh will never cease to vote
Yeah will just keep on the vote

And maybe someday
Now or far away
Results will comply with
My taste, my passions and my votes!

Based on Austria 1959
Ferry Graf — Der K. und K. Kalypso aus Wien

A schnitzel as party food
No pints for your beer – just steins!
The bunting’s red, black and gold
The trains run on time

Today we celebrate the real Jubilee
We say “Prost!” to the Queen
Her Saxe-Coburg-Gotha family tree
Demands a party with a Teutonic spin

So give your dancing footwear a clean
(Socks and sandals, we mean)

Roast beef? We’ve got Currywurst
Replacing Sam Ryder: Rammstein!
The sky’s full of Luftballons
A brass band stands by

All these delights we offer efficiently
For the real Jubilee:
Hologram Merkel in the back of a Benz

[A Bundesdance]

Helene Fischer serenading the Mall
Riesling in hand:

“God save the Queen!
Her crown supreme
Her reign serene
Her German genes
We breathlessly express our esteem
For our – your! – Königin”

Since fun is only fun when mandatory
At the real Jubilee
We kindly ask for no more noise after 10

[A glum dance]

And take this grammar lesson so you fit in
Say after me:
“Ich, du, er, sie
Der, dem, das, die
Wo, wer, was, wie”
It’s easy, see?

Now you can join our Karneval team
Raise your glass! Auf die Queen!