Save San Marino!

(Author's note: due to a total lack of response to their international campaign trying to get someone, ANYONE, to embarrass themselves represent the country in the Eurovision Song Contest next year, SMtv San Marino has commissioned a special ALC reprise to highlight their terrible plight.)

This is more than we can bear and nobody seems to care
No-one sent an answer to our ad
If you all leave us bereft, we'll have only one choice left
You'll agree that would be bad.

Save San Marino from Valenti-NO!
Please help us out, our reputation's up the spout
Don't make us ring her, we need a singer
Why must we be the country that you laugh about?

Irene Sheer or Ebonique?
Carol Rich or Cocktail Chic?
Bebi Dol or Paradise Oskar?
And as you can surely guess, not a single one said "Yes"
We've been searching near and far

We tried Peppino and Sandra Simo
Youddiph prefers to stay at home and wash her hair
Called Zymboulakis, Takis Biniaris
Alsou said she would rather give birth to a chair

Not one amico for San Marino
We've tried the A-list, B-list, all the way to Z[ed]
Spent hours sieving through artists living
(And yes, we even asked some who are sadly dead)

Save San Marino! There's still no fee though
Can't pay you Euros, bahts, manats, riels, drams, or dongs
But we've got vino and cappuccino
Sing for us next year – what could possibly go wrong?
(Just promise: never sing the Social Network Song)

Scami and the Beast

“Once I saw a goat with a cow face. Really. It was the weirdest thing ever. It seemed a normal goat, except that it had some black spots, and the head like a cow. And it was before digital camera, so I don’t have a photo.”
– Scami, 2018

Visitors leave in despair
Making scared signs of the cross
Cross at the sight of our goat

Children walk in innocent
Walk out feeling traumatised
But that changed when I met Scami
Thank goat

Scami asked me, the zookeeper, “Why, sir?”
“Is there no God? It’s a brute”
It’s a question I didn’t answer
In front of us was all the proof

Goat born with a cow’s head, the other goats just stare
None had ever pet it, but it so wanted love
Though it longed for people, customers all wanted it gone
“That goat belongs in a cupboard”

Scami seemed no different, at first look so appalled
Kept her children distant, told them, “Go pat the horse”
But she saw no evil, just a lonely beast none would stroke
And Scami petted the cowgoat

[Scami:] (And that’s when I knew I would set it free.)

“How much can I give you for
That sad goat the rest ignore?”
I said, “Ma’am, sorry I can’t sell”

“How I wish you’d come last week
That was when we sold it cheap
It’s heading soon to a rancher
To be meat”

She looked sheepish, the goat just looked cowish
It broke my heart and hers too
So she left after petting a llama
That night I locked up, I felt so blue

Came back the next morning to a hole in the fence
Just the cowgoat missing, she’d rushed to its defence
She would see no evil come to harm the beastly cowgoat
That most said ought to be covered

Now through Transylvania, elusive cowgoats stroll
Hidden by the forests in which they’ve found a home
Scami is the reason cowgoats won their freedom to roam
Too ugly to be re-captured

Oh oh, oh oh
When Scami rescued the cowgoat
Oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh
Cowgoats don’t want to be captive
Oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh
Cowgoats are not so attractive
Oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh
Then Thomas danced with the cowgoat

Thank You to All ALC Writers (and Sigurjón)

Based on Fókus hópurinn – Battleline (Iceland NF 2018)

Everybody has trouble to pick one
Favourites are all over the place, got like twelve
I don’t think I’m ready, wait, just hold on
Till we bid this contest its farewell

I am Sigurjón, how did I end up here?

They’ve been writing, writing for us again
And they nailed it
We’ve been lau-, lau-, laughing, yeah we’re their fans
I think it’s their calling

Everybody rocked, everybody rocked
You were writing for us
A round of applause tonight
For this ALC

Cause Nagorno-Karabakh was flawless
No voice lost for Donald Trump so far, Babyphone
What about the one loving the office, yeah
An opera about some racist Swedes, oh

It’s Morannie or Spring of ‘65
Least I think so
Want to go on that creepy Uber drive
And the Jury Memo

There was Necropop! There was Dracula!
And a Freudian slip
Cruella wants fur tonight
In the ALC

I was petting a feathered pony
In the ALC
I am ready for Char’s revenge


I am going to be a tough guy
In the ALC
In the ALC

Who the fuck is Sinitta?
Everybody needs a fado cat…

Who’s that artist, artist who will get robbed?
Who’s been slee-slee-sleeping, yes on their job?
The investigator

Analytics Inc.! And all the NQs!
All that writing for us
I’m writing we loved it all
In the ALC

[Lyrical orgasm]

Are you ready to be the Cowgirl?
Of the ALC?
Are you ready to be like, “Wha-a-a-a-aat??”

Are you ready to be the winner?
Of the ALC
Of the ALC
Of the ALC!

Freddy Krueger’s Failing Family

Based on Montenegro 2018

Barely in their pyjamas
Freddy Krueger’s grandmamas
Had them searching sacks of hash
to buy, so they’d burn some cash

Dirty urban cow’s brood
You said let her show it nude
Dirty Mia, dirty lass,
Academic nightmare’s ass

Seen that Jurgen Thilo Krueger
Promenade like a douche to bee, yeah!

Brother Danny’s soccer mom
Gives him Tina’s tub of jam
All that they can never be
See them searching for Fred’s artistry

See Fred take on Nancy’s cheer
Ken or Rod or Don won’t cheer
Still can none of them make clear
See them searching but no help is near
Yet it’s simple, fast to master
So then why his kin can not grasp it?

Brother Danny’s soccer mom
Gives him Tina’s tub of jam
All that they can never be
See them searching for Fred’s artistry

See Fred take on Nancy’s cheer
Ken or Rod or Don won’t cheer
Still can none of them make clear
See them searching but no help is near
Falling in there

Babyphone, Babyphone

Based on Germany 1957

Hallo?… yes, that is true
Thank you… it’s all quite new
I squeezed a baby out not long ago
Well no, he’s not with me...
Oh no, there is no need...
I use this thing I found on TV Shop

Babyphone, Babyphone
Wonderful device
Place one end right by your bed
And one by my side

Babyphone, Babyphone
Now it’s mommy time
For so long you leeched my milk
Now I’m drinking wine

Never more I wake at night time
Since you’re in the other room
And thanks to this great invention
I can snooze all morning too

Babyphone, Babyphone
When I hear you cry
I just set the mode to “mute”
And refill my wine

Hallo, travel agent?
No thanks, I think
I’ll want to go some place more south, more wild!
For two? No, it’ll be just I
Although… maybe I’ll find
Some hunk who’ll want to “make another child”

Babyphone, Babyphone
In my check-in bag
I can’t help the signal’s weak
High up in the air

Babyphone, Babyphone
Parties in the sun
And so many gorgeous men
Guess who’s had them all

Never more alone at bedtime
Since you’re halfway round the world
All thanks to that great invention
Waiter, pour me more champagne

Babyphone, Babyphone
Batteries ran out
Hope you’re doing fine back home
See you… well, some time…

Oh… you’ve come to send my baby to foster care?
That’s fine
Bye bye!

Office Love

Based on Portugal 1985

They say...
That I am quite mundane
I live a simple life
And in fact, they’re quite right

They say…
(Where does she live? Where does she live?)
I’m the office bore
(Never on leave, never on leave)
But I crave no more
I’m happier at my desk

Where I’ve got paperwork
And filing cabinets
All neatly organized
I live
For our new fax machine
These lovely paper clips
And A4 envelopes

The stapler gives me life

(Pencils, we need pencils, we need…)
Is my favourite day
(Pencils, we need pencils, we need…)
Hate to be away
From the shredder, my friend

They say
(Pens aren’t cheap, pens aren’t cheap…)
My job’s out of date
(Pens aren’t cheap, pens aren’t cheap…)
This place will shut down
And we have to clear our desks

Don’t take my stamps away!
My darling rolodex
And pencil sharpener
No way
They’ll get my staple pins
Hole puncher, stay with me!
My precious sellotape

No, I can’t go, I must...

I’ll occupy this room
And build a cardboard fort
Where I can wait this out
I’ll fight
Hit them with paperweights
Throw white-out in their face
I’ll live on cellophane

(Just keep this ancient crap)
Oh yay!

(Pens aren’t cheap...)

Charlotte’s Revenge

Based on Sweden 2008

I was supposed to be winning
I was supposed to be queen
Three hours later, a victim of hatred
I was shamed, I was betrayed!

High scores from Denmark and Malta
Almost nothing from everywhere else
Might now seem distant, but my anger’s persistent
Now I’ll get back at you all

Oh oh
All of you juries who gave me a zero
Run for your lives!
Oh, I’m
Taking you out, ‘cause you injured my ego
Say your goodbyes!
This is a story
Of pain and redemption
As I’ll get my revenge!
Oh oh
Out of the juries who gave me a zero

Will survive...

Found your addresses on Facebook
Now I’m creeping up outside your doors, oh
Children are screaming
Star TV’s live streaming
As This Shocking Scene Unfolds:

Oh oh
All bloody juries who gave me their zero
Burning alive!
Oh oh
I’ll be more lethal than Emperor Nero
Here’s your demise
Torture and poison
Surprising explosions
As my fury descends
Oh oh
I’m gonna kill you more ways than Carola
Her in hell!
(Her in hell)

Oh oh, hold on...
(What the hell?)
Just checking Wiki… oh no!
That year was fucking televote!?

All of the viewers who gave me a zero!
You’re next in line!
Oh oh
Taking your lives might destroy most of Europe
Who cares? Not I!
(This is a story)
(Of lack of compassion)
Go screw yourselves!
Oh oh
Next year, make sure that you give me your twelves, then
Might not die!

Captured by the Narcoleptic Chief Investigator

Based on Italy 2018

My gun was out of ammo, was cornered in the ghetto
I'd stolen from a gambler, back then I was a klepto
I thought she was a statue, not moving in the alley
As silent as a tortoise, it looked like rigor mortis
She stepped out from the doorway, and told us she was sorry
I couldn't complain as she'd caught me in flagrante
She took us to her boss who, said that I was a goner
He made me really suffer, with two months in the slammer
And when you hear my story, it may sound quite familiar
She caught me near the dock and she arrested me for murder
Despite my protestations, she used me as a pillow
Until the backup team came, and took me to the station
I'd been arrested quickly, felt I was treated badly
Not listened to my alibi, or my side of the story
I felt the evidence was just purely based on hearsay
Promise that I am not guilty
Captured by the narcoleptic
Chief investigator’s mean tricks
She was in her nightdress and her panties
But she still made the arrest
She had sleepwalked up so gently
I had only stolen twenty
bottles of olive oil and about seventeen dollars thirty
When finally my chance came, with the investigator
I was a little scared, by all that she then told me
She found out that I was the murderer's next target
I was in fact the victim, she took me in to save me
Fessing up the money, and about the bottles
I tried to make the case to her my kids were hungry
Though seeming sympathetic, she said she must insist
That I would serve a little time in prison
Captured for my own protection
My thoughts start to change direction
Took away my freedom with good reason
While she caught the perpetrator
After she had an espresso
She assembled all her colleagues
And told them to deploy for what was a major operation
At the time I was set free, from my stint in the slammer
As I walked out of prison, I crossed paths with the gambler
It seems that in addition to bets in the casino
He'd murdered seven people, at least as far as the police know
Captured by her skilled sleep-judo
The whole time she kept her eyes closed
Lives saved by the narcoleptic
chief investigator's actions
We owe to her our lives, we'll remain forever indebted
What can I do to repay
Without her we'd not be here
I could buy her a new duvet
Invest in comfy pyjamas
Lighten up her caseload, by snitching on my partner, we'll turn a new life over
Or buy her a cappuccino

A Polite Message to the Hosting Team

Based on Belgium 1991

Didn’t I tell you I’m not taking part this time?
It’s your first hosting, I know, but guys:
Give it up!
Merethe cries:
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa, hooo!

You two are real persuasive, hey, isn’t that the way?
Love you both so, but hear me say:

Give it up, give it up
Give it up, Andy
Give it up, give it up
Give it up, Alex

I’ve given more than anyone could ever hope
Sat here on RhymeZone all day long
If you think I’m submitting something just so I can vote
Sorry, but nope, you're thinking wrong

Give it up, give it up
Give it up, guys, now
Give it up, give it up
Give it up, guys, now

Read your site so closely
Your reminder posts and WhatsApp threats
Can’t you see it throws me?
With the deadline looming, feeling vexed

Give it up, give it up
Give it up, host crew
Give it up, give it up
Give it up, you two

Give it up, give it up
Give it up, Andy
Give it up, give it up
Give it up, Alex

(Give it up, give it up)
I can hear you cursing
(Give it up, guys, now)
Saying that I’m shirking
Give it up
Give it up
Give it up, guys, now

Aaaaargh… I give up!

Your Sex Dolls

Based on Iceland 2009

You never cook me dinner
You never bring me flowers
You’ve just shagged me once
And if you’re being boring
And you’re being boring
When you use a pump

I’ve seen it once, when you were out, I’ve seen who you are shagging

A sex doll
Blow up sex doll
Used, abused all the time
A sex doll
Full of hot air, it deserves a clean, yes, sometimes…

It’s got a new hole in it
I don’t know how it got there
Now it’s true to life
Don’t know what it looks like
Yes it really looks like,
K, I used a knife

Now your sex doll is torn in half, now you might have to shag me…

A role play
I’m a hooker
You can use more than once
The sex doll
Was wrong for you, play with me I’m free, your cum dump

I’m des-ti-tute
You threw both of us out
A new you
Will it last or are just all the new models out?
A sex doll
A new sex doll
We see the box by your door
A sex doll
It’s your new toy, it will be with us before long….
Your sex dolls