Based on Serbia 2007
Marija Šerifović — Molitva

Jana Novotná
That’s when I first felt the tinglings start
I’d grown up with hockey
I wasn’t averse to a slick martial art
But oh when I saw her
Advantage the goddess owning the court
I knew I was smitten
Wasn’t just lust, my love was for sport

Elation, stimulation
Tennis tickles my sensations
Grunt’d aces, writhing faces
Strawberries & cream

Wimbledon
Let us honour Miss Navratilova
Martina
So God love her and whatever drove her

Billie Jean
Shook up the scene
Miss Fernández and Miss Mandlíková

Virago dreams
Played out by queens
Game set & match, won by an Amazon
Wimbledon

Instrumental

(URGHHHHHHHHHH!)
(THWACK!!)
(URGHHHHHHHHHH)
(THWACK)
(polite applause)

(Game Miss Šerifović)

(Change ends please)

Ovation, liberation
Tennis is my titillation
Double faulting, somersaulting
She’s got white pants on!!

Wimbledon
I assure you mine’s a sporting interest
Fifteen, Love
I am mainly focused on the contest

Thighs like steel (they for real?))
How must they feel? (they’re ideal!)
Rubbed together in a top seed meeting

Serena, (just let loose)
Your demeanour (score is deuce)
Vanquish Venus, she’s your (senior)

Wimbledaaaahahhhhhhhahhhhahaoohhhoooohhoooohhooohhh

Miss Mauresmo (out and proud)
Puts on her show (backhand’s loud)
Now my barley water‘s overheating

It’s what I am (wham and bam)
it’s my grand slam (oui Madame)
Now someone serve me with my dental dam!
Wimbledon

Tennis turns me
Turn on
Wimbledon

Based on Israel 2020
Eden Alene — Feker libi

Frickin’ Loreen’s Euphoria,
We’ve all heard enough of you,
Frickin’ Loreen’s Euphoria,
Even Anton said sod you,

(Thomas G:Son, voilà…)

Once upon a time, I was looking for a rhyme,
Thomas G:Son, Thomas G:Son,
Sweden’s favourite lyrics guy,

Victory on the mind, closed my eyes what would I find?
Need to seek a Melfest winner, but I just can’t plagiarise…

Moooooooooooooore,
What does ‘more’ rhyme with, it rhymes with
Doooooooooooooor,
One verse out the way,

And ‘do’ rhymes with ‘you’, too,
I’m so ready for revenue,
Just need someone to sing this,
Who should I ask first?

Frickin’ Loreen,
She’s not afraid to sing this,
While dancing on the stage like a massive crab
Frickin’ Loreen,
There’s no doubt that she’ll win this, But her fringe makes her look just like me in drag,

Frickin’ Loreen,
You are the queen,
Of ESC,
In the current century,
Frickin’ Loreen,
You caused a scene,
Not being mean,
But we’re all fed up of you

(Now here’s G:Son part två)

Oh no that’s fake snow,
Only got one place to go,
Confetti-a confetti-a
Getting stuck right down her throat

Aaaaaaaaaaaaart,
Probably won’t write fart, no we’ll say
Heaaaaaaaaaart,
Chorus rhyming done,

Wrote this song in two minutes,
Critics say it can’t not win this,
Sweden’s unfinished business,
Has been settled by,

Frickin’ Loreen,
She’s not afraid to sing this,
While dancing on the stage like a massive crab
Frickin’ Loreen,
There’s no doubt that she’ll win this, But her fringe makes her look just like me in drag,

Frickin’ Loreen,
You are the queen,
Of ESC,
In the current century,
Frickin’ Loreen,
You caused a scene,
Not being mean,
But we’re all fed up of you

(Euphoriaaaaaaa)

Frickin’ Loreen, you are the queen,
The whole of Europe loves you,
Frickin’ Loreen, you are the queen,
The whole of Europe loves you

Frickin’ Loreen, you are the queen,
The whole of Europe loves you,
Frickin’ Loreen, you are the queen,
The whole of Europe loves you

You are the queen of ESC,
But we’re all fed up… of you

Based on Austria 1994
Petra Frey — Für den Frieden der Welt

So when did people between them decide
To use their urine for things?
Tanning, removing those tough stains from stuff
And sprinkling on jellyfish stings

Our liquid gold can be useful indeed
But it can be a tough sell
Human consumption is frowned on and yet
It’s something you’ll never regret

There’s no way I would felch, I’m not touching my shit
I’m no dog, I won’t eat my own sick
Though when picking my nose I won’t eat my own snot
I’ve no problem with drinking my pee

It can benefit health, give your face a free lift
You can use it to whiten your teeth
So the Romans believed, and they conquered the world
(Not just any piss though: Portuguese)

You can gain so much from drinking pee

If you’re caught short when you’re stuck in your car
That’s when a She-wee’s a hit
Bottled at source, and a hot drink to boot
Go on, why not sample a bit?

We’re all over the world, there are millions like me
Petra Frey, I’m in fine company
J. D. Salinger did, all of Catcher he wrote
While he happily sipped on his wee

It don’t half moisturise, quench your thirst in a drought
So much good comes from urinobibing

Most of India’s sold, half of Thailand drinks wee
And they’ve done so for thousands of years
I’m not taking the piss, who needs science? Fake news
Won’t you try some? Imbibe it with me

Aah, drinking pee

Based on France 2019
Bilal Hassani — Roi

I was three
When Maman showed me ESC
Saw the fleece of Renārs and Marie
And I longed for them wrapped around me

LTV
Soon came to hear of my plea
And provided the coats of my dreams
The furs: I wore and I lived

I put them in a box
To keep them as if new
At the front a hole
So I could still see through
And put them on display
Centre of the spare room
My loves, that’s where it started

My petit cache quickly multiplied
Became locally renowned
A whole trove of my souvenirs
From the same Eurovision year
A bit niche but still ranging wide
Preserved for the ages now
Come on in, so you can explore

For two Euros a nose
See Alf’s cardboard models
Louisa’s scarlet gown
Even Birgitta’s flower
Sertab’s ribbons
Records from Nicola
As Lys Assia says
It’s really a wonderful town

Mon musee
At the start was a real novelty
Like the language of Sanomi
People flocked for each new featured piece

With each year
the awards, visitors, they decreased
It was clear of my exhibit’s need
To pass this impasse, an ‘attraction marquee’

Mon étalage was in need of life
Too static up until now
So I sought out a living prop
First to sign up was Lynn Chircop
Then some more who would stay inside
No need to let Belen out
An array of true Eurostars

Her from Sarajevo
Gives a big big hello
And the queers come around
for t.A.T.u’s faux les tension
Gemma’s enshrined
Still the key, she can’t find
Karmen sings Nanana
Hopeful now that we won’t shut down

It didn’t work :’(

So I guess I’ll start on ’04

Based on Lithuania 2020
THE ROOP — On Fire

I’m a poet and I’m stoned
Must write down before it’s gone
Creative constructions
But must be careful, don’t write crap
Cliché rhyming is a trap

Cause when it comes to fire
We need to aim much higher
And when we start to tire
Ominous background choir

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ohh

Start to doubt my inner strength
Still I will go to great lengths
Find fitting lyrics
And you might think it’s absurd
That I’m dodging the d-word

But all that I require
Is a great rhyme supplier
Now where can I acquire
Syllables multiplier

I admit I am afraid
And tend to overcomplicate
Damn overthinking
Curse all this complexity
It’s time for simplicity
Ugh

Lalalalala
Lalalalala
Lalalalala
Lalalalalala
Lalalalala
Lalalalala
Lalalalala

Just go to Rhymezone
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ohh

Cause when it comes to fire
We need to aim much higher
I’m starting to transpire
Maybe I should retire

(The D-Word)
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ohh
(The D-Word)

This rhyme is turning dire

Based on Netherlands 1992
Humphrey Campbell — Wijs me de weg

I wake up with a shock
And ooh, how I’d like to disappear
Feel penetrated
And what I overlooked
Is that you wouldn’t want to stay here

As I get dressed, I see you abscond
I feel possessed, and still feel your wand
You were my guest, not just your candy cane

Left me at sea, and I feel seasick
Through the debris, there is one uptick
I’m on a quest, to put you through my pain

I get into the shop to find and buy what I want, and
I see the other people laughing in my face (Ho-ho-ho)
How could I forget that you can no longer buy them
I exit slowly and leave without a trace (HO-HO-HO)

Get home and lay down, I know I must phone them
I go through hell and hope they won’t respond
I can’t comprehend it myself
But full stop, I refill, and await them

“Pregnancy test, yes, I lived in sin”
“No, no incest, I don’t have a twin”
“I won’t contest, believe the test results”

“Yes, I will hold…”

“No…”

“No…”

“Don’t play -“

(Incredibly annoying accordion waiting music which I DID NOT want to be played)

And as you guessed
You should feel blessed
I passed the test

Based on Latvia 2020
Samanta Tīna — Still Breathing

I will keep on cleaning
I will keep on wiping
Wiping till I kill the germ
Face visor I wear it
I am gonna kill it
Sanitiser in my hands

Thought I’d never wake up
Thought it’s gonna give up
Working remotely
Social distancing

But I’m still washing
I’m still scrubbing
No more ICU
Or ventilator

I will keep on cleaning
I will keep on wiping
Wiping till I kill the germ
Face visor I wear it
I am gonna kill it
Sanitiser in my hands

Death, deaths go up (oh the deaths go up)
It still spreads (alas it still spreads)
Case, cases go up (oh the cases go up)
And it still spreads

Falling the R0
Working on the frontline
Easing the restriction
Beating every cluster

I’m still washing
I’m still washing
Putting on my mask
Getting out the gloves

I will keep on cleaning
I will keep on wiping
Wiping till I kill the germ
Face visor I wear it
I am gonna kill it
Sanitiser in my hands

Death, deaths go down (let the deaths go down)
We grow strong (so can we get strong)
Case, cases go down (let the cases go down)
But we grow strong

Dying for the fame
I’m sure I’m getting nearer
What is music
I am a poor singer
Six times it has been
And now a pandemic

I’m still trying
I’m still trying

I will keep on scraping
I will keep on slogging
Slogging till I make the event
Bad enough to make it
I am gonna fake it
Destiny is the one to end
Life, life

I will keep on scraping
I will keep on slogging
Slogging till I make the event
Bad enough to make it
I am gonna fake it
Destiny is the one to end

Based on Sweden 2019
John Lundvik — Too Late for Love

When will we know?
All the news about our favourite show
When’s EIC?
I want to do that and do LEP

What about Amsterdam
Calling
What about Rotterdam?
I need to save
What about Madrid too?
I just want to know
Tell me

I want to see all the brand new acts
And maybe next year there will be a real climax
It is going to be a real party
So I will be there
Let me be there
Party

I’ll work all the hours I can get
(Oh, where’s all the hotel deals?)
(Where’s all the flight deals?)
Tell me
Will someone share an air BnB?

Days come and go
And I’m still missing my fav-our-ite show
And it’s left a space
Where Eurovision is just cyberspace

Can next year hurry up
Please
I’m fed up of reprise
I just now see

I know now that we will never know
If maybe Iceland would have stolen this year’s show
Or maybe The Roop would have the crown
There would not be frowns
A fab showdown
Party

Rotterdam was never meant to be
Oh, we will be back next year
I really shouldn’t fear
Help me
I voted in thousands of fan polls
(I, just want to televote)
(For my fav-our-ite show)

This could be the latest P.E.D.
Co-ro-na, why did you take the contest from me?

Next year we will go do everything
And it will be the biggest party you have seen
And whilst I sit here counting down days
It is on season
Always on season
Always

Give me all the rumours you can find
(Oh, I need to spend my time)
This same ol’ paradigm (I need to spend my time)
And I’ll say this all again
Next year!

Based on Norway 2007
Guri Schanke — Ven a bailar conmigo

I was in France, on a retreat, a cottage on the Rhine
Me, and my two children
Enjoying youth, soaking the heat, relaxing at the lake
It almost felt like a fresh start
Since my marriage fell apart
Didn’t know, that bad news was soon due

Oh a bad man took my children
He stole them in the night
Their breakfast seats, eerily, sat empty
A bad man took my children
What for I cannot say
I checked their sheets, didn’t see, their little feet
A bad man took my children!

Though lacking proof, I called the cops, told them of my plight
My worry they could be harmed
Gathered the guys, went by the book, sent a search party
They tore the village all apart
And the locals all took part
In the hunt, for the disappeared two

Oh a bad man took my children
I wish I wasn’t right
Just why did he, feel the need, to hurt me
A bad man took my children
Police suspect foul play
They want to meet, with a brief, to talk to me
A bad man took my children

“Ma’am we have found your children
It’s bad!”
<overdramatic grief noise>

Oh a bad man stole my children
And chopped them into bits
The search retrieved, their bodies, piece by piece
He kept their small intestines
A trophy to his crime
Brutality, so ghastly, they’ve never seen

Least now I have my freedom
And even have a date
It’s with the chief of police, tomorrow eve
He’s best to keep close to me, because you see

I paid the man to kill them!

Based on Belgium 1964
Robert Cogoi — Près de ma rivière

Freedom from my prison
Of a small round bowl
I’ll cross every ocean
Swim free as the sole

Twirl through hidden trenches
Bounce off coral reefs
Leap high with the salmon
Drink the seven seas

Flakes will not drift from above
Who would care now if I starve?
Seas will be stirred up by storms
But I am reborn

Glide through the warm Volta
Skate round the North Pole
Surf waves with the haddock
Now the world’s my bowl

Won at a fairground
Life trapped in a gaol
But now, no more glass surround
Just sea I inhale

Freedom leaves me breathless
Salt’s taking a toll
There’ll be no adventures
How I miss my bowl