Based on Norway 2009

Years ago, when I was handsome,
I wrote a song that is well-known
It was good, made me a winner,
Number one, points record blown.

Coming back seemed a fairytale
Now it’s hell on earth
‘Cause I forgot how to write a song
And I think I’m cursed!

Every day I practiced step one
Every night, step number two
So I felt ‘twas getting better
But then the truth just hit me in the nose!

Thought I knew what I was doing,
Won semi 1, and then, my God!!
Found myself at fifteen, down there…
What can I do? Who knew it was that hard?

Many say that I (fairly) failed
Even so, it hurts
It’s been a year, I still have to hide
And I can’t compose…

(speaking to himself)
Miss my fairytale…Yeah…
(speaking to his fans)
Even if you’re hurt,
‘Bout coming back, I made up my mind:
NO! I can’t be arsed!!

(plays the violin furiously)
(last string breaks)

Based on Denmark 2019

Soon after World War Three,
We ran out of tinned sardines.
Coping with hunger, we
Developed new food routines.

Tree bark went down rough, did not fill us enough,
And was not nutritional.
Tried to make some fudge from cockroaches and sludge,
But it was unbearable.

We were survivors,
(Who)’d survived two nuclear wars.
Then came two hikers,
(Who)’d turn us back into carnivores.
Just a taste of Tom, a taste of Matt,
Could fill us up, thank god they’re fat.
They’re better than a can of SPAM,
So we won’t ever go back to those cans.

Devoured a dead farmhand,
With Chinese Five Finger Blend.
Imagine preparing stew,
Garnished with bits of Stu.

Maybe it’s not right, but food was kinda tight.
It’s apocalyptical.
So who are you to judge, who we have had for lunch?
Tony makes a great meatball!

We are survivors,
(Who)’ve invented a new gourmet store.
We welcome shoppers,
(Who)’ve got a taste for backpackers.
Have a taste of John, a taste of Brett,
A wino drowned in vinaigrette,
Fresh hobos cooked up on the spot.
So come on down and don’t you mind the blood.

A wandering gypsy queen,
Could be your to-go cuisine.
Bring in all your dead amis,
And we’ll cook them up for free.

Do you think it’s gross? Eating all your bros?
Think that it’s against the law?
Cannibals are not such a pleasant thought?
Cannibals should be locked up?

Then look at it this way.
Then look at it this way, what else could we do?
We look at it this way.
We look at it this way, we think you should too:
Just a taste of Bob, a taste of Steve
Because the bombs destroyed our beef.
It’s sensible, and if it’s not,
It beats becoming vegetarian.

Based on Finland 1977

Ma na na
Ma na na na ma na na
Ma na na na ma na
Ma na na naya na na

Pneumonia
You gave me pneumonia
Now I’m stuck here dying
Maybe it wasn’t worth it

One cold December night
I first met with my handsome knight
We had matched on Glistnr
And things lead to a date
A sexy and charming gentleman
Who smiled as he revealed our plans:
“Let’s start in my sauna”
“And then we’ll go for a swim, k?”

Blub blub blub
Blub blub blub blub blub blub blub
Blub blub blub blub blub blub
Blub blub blub blubeliblub blub blub

Pneumonia
You gave me pneumonia
And I’m stuck here dying
Wondering, was it worth it?

After the swim was done
He said: “Come, let me keep you warm”
I hoped for an eggnog
But no, he meant a jog!
‘Bout sixty miles through the icy night
“And then we can chill at my house”
His home was an igloo!
With bed and sheets made of snow
Yay?

Brrr brrr brrr
Brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr
Brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr
Brrr brrr brrr brrr-brrr-brrr brrr brrr!

Pneumonia
You gave me pneumonia
Now my fever’s rising
I think I might regret this:

My panties dropped
They froze to the floor

Oh no no no..

*wheeze*
*sniffle*
*cough*
*wheeze*

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…
(Ma na na na na ma na na na na)
(Ma na na na na ma na na na na)
...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAA….
(Ma na na na na ma na na na na)
(Ma na na na na ma na na na na)
...CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…
(Pneumonia! Pneumonia!)
...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(Pneumonia! Pneumonia!)

(*Cough cough cough*)
(*Cough cough cough cough cough cough cough*)
(*Cough cough cough cough cough cough*)
(*Cough cough cough cough cough cough phlegm cough*)

Pneumonia
Bloody darn pneumonia!
Now I’m stuck here dying
It really wasn’t worth it

Pneumonia
We both have pneumonia
If we do survive this
Next date, let’s go to… Cairo?

(...*cough cough cough cough cough cough cough*)
(*Cough cough cough cough cough*)

Based on Cyprus 2018

Two A.M., a Friday night,
I’m the hit of the disco
Gotta love a dancer’s life
I catch his eye, we hit the floor
Luis Fonsi’s “Calypso”
I take him home, we dance some more

Now he’s there between my thighs, thighs, thighs, yeah
Rubber breaks, but we go through.
What’s the risk in just one night, night, night, yeah?

Now I’m throwing up
My dinner won’t stay down come eight in the morning
My boobs are tender now,
Swelling like a cow, no…
Now the doctor smiles, but I can’t help but frown
No I can’t believe it
I’m only 23, I don’t wanna be
Preggo

Preggo
Oh why’d I take the chance?
Will they let me dance
Preggo?

No ballon, no brisé
And forget about plies
Stuck backstage here at the Met

Bitches laugh about my size, size, size, yeah
Life goes on, what can I do?
Hungry for some pickle fries, fries, fries, yeah

Now I’m swelling up
My weights not going down
So much for my balance
Feels like a bowling ball
Drives me up the wall, yeah
Then he kicks his legs and I just gotta pee
Don’t play with my bladder!
Oh is it over yet?
Why’d I have to get
Preggo?

Preggo
Oh shit, my water broke!
This is not a joke!
Preggo

But when I look into his eyes, eyes, eyes, yeah
I’m so glad this baby’s mine, mine, mine, yeah…

Now he’s waking up
When I’m just cooling down
Thank god for my mother
She takes good care of him,
While I’m at the gym, yeah
Lost the baby weight
Now getting my tubes tied
Not having another
I’m small, petite again
I am done bein’
Preggo

Preggo
Can’t feed you now, dear Jake
Mommy’s in Swan Lake!

Based on Latvia 2019

It was a heated fight
A Playboy in you crushed Mister Right
No shag, just flossed my teeth
A crumbled bedsheet staid underneath

Bye, Mister Right
Bye, my delight
Bye, I’ll be alright
What a healing night, oh

I whooshed dry thoughts away
And stripped the pain off my brand-new day
I left my sorrow path
And took a sea salt water filled bath

Sweet music soaked my soul
Your WhatsApp-hassle played no more role
My flesh unleashed wow-surprise
the penguin walk on cracking ice

Bye, Mister Right
Bye, my delight
Bye, I’ll be alright
What a healing night, oh

Bye, Mister Right
Bye, my delight
Bye, I’ll be alright
What a healing night, oh

BYE
BYE

Bye, Mister Right
Bye, my delight
Bye, I’ll be alright
What a healing night, oh

Bye, Mister Right
Bye, my delight
Bye, I’ll be alright
What a healing night

Healing night…

Based on Estonia 1996

Tell me how moron are you
Pinprick to get rid of it
What have you been smoking
Hint was "just squeeze" but you, mad in the loo
Tampered and made a hole

Oi, get lost it hurts bad
In the midst of my forehead
How I'd show up like that
On this heavy big first date

She must be desperate as well
Since she is dating with you
Take your cue from here
Don't try to hide those pimples, even on your nose
She'll be too drunk to see

Hey, go back to gossiping
With your equally retarded friends
How will you picture these
In your tiny teenage brains

No need to bark, I heard you
You're often too slow, it's true
Haven't got any clue
Even girls my age know that, key is "make her laugh"
No charm has that effect

Haaaa aaah ooohh aaahh
Oohh aaahh aahh ahh ahh ahh
Hoo oh oh hoo oh oh
Ohh oh, now repeat with me

Tell me how moron am I
Pinprick to get rid of it
What was I thinking then
Hint was "just squeeze" but I, like a sad fool
Scratched and made a hole

I should not yell, sis heard me
Now and then slow I can be
That I have to admit
Even the young ones know that, key is "make her laugh"
She'd laugh hard at that zit

Maybe you're right after all she's most likely
Your first and only chance.

Based on Spain 2014

Look, things haven’t gone great
Let us be honest, OT is just a talent show
And the NFs before were a blow to us

Remember Edurne, ¿no?
She failed badly
And Barei who went up and fell
Didn’t do exactly well

It fills me with such pain
¿What happened to Spain?

Strife marked what was a crime
Runner-up Mirela would have kicked some ass
But that Manel lacked any class

Forgive us for #Almaia
What they had was faker than Soraya’s face
They never went beyond first base

¿Why don’t we have a brain?
¡Please improve things, Spain!

Miki’s song was never-ending
No fun and he didn’t slay
It’s time to restore my reign
I’ll slay, for Spain

(Twenty-first and twice in twenty-second place)
¡Insane, insane, insane!
(Twenty-third and once we even came dead last)
My reign, I’ll slay, for Spain

My reign, for Spain

Chancing

Prancing

Tranciiiiiiiiiiiiing

Glancing

(Twenty-twenty)
¡Next year I’ll make the top five!

I’ve just met this chap called Siegel
He promised to make me a star
Trust me, he’s completely sane
¡I’ll slay, for Spain!

Based on Portugal 1967

Aisel! Aisel!

You’ll be Azerbaijan’s win number two
Bring us joy and shame those talentless Armenians
Clever staging concepts highlight your flair
Vocal miscues? That’s hallmark of a star

Your majestic show leaves all in awe
Even sounds in tune with backings from Sweden
The bland chorus soars, fans scream out for more
Monotone b flat: pleasant sound to hear

Albanian votes seem out of sorts
What? Treachery from the land of Bushpepa?

Things don’t look so right now that the votes are in
Still at least we’ve beaten those pesky Armenians
Who put Montenegro in semi 2?
There’ll be hell to pay when you get back here

Aisel! Aisel! Aisel! Aisel!

Based on Finland 1993

Tove Lo, born in 1987
Tove Lo, started singing as a child
Tove Lo, from a suburb north of Stockholm
Tove Lo, your first hit at 25

Tove Lo, six EMA’s and one Grammy
Tove Lo, those awards should not be yours
Tove Lo, I was next in line, before you
Tove Lo (Tove Lo)
Tove Lo (Tove Lo)
Tove Lo

No one knows that in fact you’re a fraud
Tove Lo, your career is based upon mine
Tove Lo, if it wasn’t for you, I
Would still be a famous pop star
Tove Lo

I did drugs long before you were born
Global tours? - I did Tampere to Kotka!
Tove Lo, see, the life you live was mine
Once you even stole my hairstyle
Tove Lo

Tove Lo, Lynda Woodruff said your name once
Tove Lo, now my dartboard wears your face
Tove Lo, some might think you’re my obsession
Tove Lo! (Tove Lo!)
Tove Lo! (Tove Lo!)
Tove Lo!

“Talking Body” and “Habits (Stay High)”
Tove Lo, they were made for my third album!
Tove Lo, almost every song you write
Samples “Katson Sineen Taivaan”
This is true

But one day I will get my revenge
You’ll grow old, I’ll still be somewhat in my prime
Tove Lo, your new remix failed to chart
And soon people will be asking
Tove Lo…

Mmhm…
Tove WHO?!

Based on Austria 1986

My crotch is itching, was it the razor?
Is it because the blade is so dull and gross?
My crotch is itching, is it my razor?
Maybe I should have switched the blade yesterday?

Googles "itchy red bumps
On my genitals"
It's folliculitis
My crotch is itching!

"Exfoliate the skin
Every time you shave your groin
Then rinse with lukewarm water
Don't shave against the hairs"
It's an experiment
It is one worth the attempt
If it can rid me from this
gruesomely itching condition

My crotch is itching, what is it I see?
There are shellfish on my pubics, what are they?

Googles "shellfish on pubes"
What is this I read?
Oh what have I done now!
My crotch is itching