The New Pregnancy Test

Based on Netherlands 1992
Humphrey Campbell — Wijs me de weg

I wake up with a shock
And ooh, how I’d like to disappear
Feel penetrated
And what I overlooked
Is that you wouldn’t want to stay here

As I get dressed, I see you abscond
I feel possessed, and still feel your wand
You were my guest, not just your candy cane

Left me at sea, and I feel seasick
Through the debris, there is one uptick
I’m on a quest, to put you through my pain

I get into the shop to find and buy what I want, and
I see the other people laughing in my face (Ho-ho-ho)
How could I forget that you can no longer buy them
I exit slowly and leave without a trace (HO-HO-HO)

Get home and lay down, I know I must phone them
I go through hell and hope they won’t respond
I can’t comprehend it myself
But full stop, I refill, and await them

“Pregnancy test, yes, I lived in sin”
“No, no incest, I don’t have a twin”
“I won’t contest, believe the test results”

“Yes, I will hold…”



“Don’t play -“

(Incredibly annoying accordion waiting music which I DID NOT want to be played)

And as you guessed
You should feel blessed
I passed the test