Based on Poland 1997

Saw this post trending after my flight
Some guy laments his love at first sight
Tried all he could to find her, but lacked
Methods to keep her track

I have reached conclusion that I'm your missed romance
That long speech describes well your captivated glance
Though to each absurd claim
May I point out that you had a chance
Don't you catch?
Could have had me, you twit

Yes, I've winked at you with my lips puckered
Signalled 'come' with my hand, are you blind?
Flicked my hair too, still you ignored every sign
And suggestion

Yes, I've been in the bathroom forever
The disabled, near gate 21
And logged into all the known straight hookup apps
Have you checked them?

Then I gave up when they called my flight
Flew all upset and unsatisfied
I needed a fling and you were right there
Now you still wonder where from I came
Am I French? (lol no)
Italian? (lol no)
Or from some made-up gulf by Iraq?
Have you watched (have you?)
My features? (have you?)
They're as Slavic as fuck

Yet you failed to guess where I was heading
Though that night there was one other flight
From Knock Airport
Szczecin - it's not hard to find
Where I'm destined

Yes, there.

Surely you could have spotted my name
In a giant font, I've had on my vest
I'm rolling a red-white Polish suitcase
School taught you no flags? Such a disgrace

Is there Darwin Awards for the singles
Who died craving for girls they can't find?
I'm amazed, dude
Some men are so fucking dumb
I detest them, I detest them
(yes, you really have got to forget him)
(move on, find an intelligent guy)
That said:

Just in case you're
Willing to give one more chance
Friend requested

Based on Sweden 1985

♫ (Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh) ♫

I was invited for a date
But I was running late
I had nothing to wear
I looked inside my bottom drawer
And there I found, behold
An item I bought last year

Strap it on, push them up
Add two AA batteries
Close the hooks, good to go
And I’m done

It’s just a bra playing schlager
Matching music to my mood, oh yes
So underneath my dress
I’ll wear my bra playing schlager
Tiny speakers on the areola
And I think, if he will be impressed
I might get laid

♫ (Ailulu ailulu) ♫

The dinner really went quite well
And nobody could tell
From where they heard the music
To muffled tunes of Waterloo
We kissed beneath the moon
And then it switched to Shirley

Uber back to his place
Cleavage played “...die Brücke geh’n”
On his bed, something said: Jij en ik!

It’s just my bra playing schlager
Activated by my body heat
When he took off my dress
He saw my bra playing schlager
Playlists range from Sev to Carola
Honestly, who wouldn’t be impressed
By my tuned breasts

But later that same night I made one big mistake
I said that he could try it on
And now I’ll never know if it is me he likes
Or if just my schlagerbra!

He wears my bra playing schlager
Nearly every night and every day
Like, when he “meets a friend”
He wears my bra playing schlager
Who’d have known it’d be so popular
‘Cause each night, while I’m alone in bed
He’s getting laid

♫ (Boogaloo, Diggiloo) ♫

Based on Denmark 2007

It was the systemic mass-extermination
Of half the Armenian nation
All discussion of it’s banned by Turkish law
Though it’s First World War
Feelings are still raw

The Armenian Genocide
1.5 million people died
Or no-one at all
If you ask in Üsküdar
The Armenian Genocide
Nor pars were chopped off left and right
And all the jan jans set alight

Starting in Abdul Hamid II’s rule
Pogroms were committed that were cruel
One can mourn with candles, even plant a tree
Or most solemnly
At the ESC

The Armenian Genocide
1.5 million people died
All were very old
Scholars say in Ankara
The Armenian Genocide
Spread diaspora far and wide
To write vague songs about their plight

The Young Turks’ objective:
No names ending “ian” in sight
Not exactly a Turkish delight

The Armenian Genocide
1.5 million people died
From Sivas to Van
All used to be Hayastan
The Armenian Genocide
Spared just 400,000 lives
That’s why it’s wrong to trivialise

Doh-oh-ohn’t deny (nuh-ny)
Armenian Genocide

Based on Denmark 2019

Posh nightclub, V.I.P
Rich teenagers sipping gin
I'm feeling glittery
But mood's still not kicking in
This place is a dive
The music isn't live
This is inexcusable
Generic pop and such
But would the DJ budge
When asked something suitable:

Put Mana Mou on
Put Mana Mou on, I kindly demand
Put Mana Mou on
Put Mana Mou on, it means motherland
Just three minutes of
Your time won't hurt
Especially when the sweetest tune is playing loud
To please the crowd
If you don't have the track, it's on the cloud

The nineties had awful trends
Like hip hop and funk-soul blend
But then, right out of the blue
Cyprus sent Mana Mou
Humankind survived
Salvation has arrived
Charm is unequivocal
And yet, for years and months
No club has played it once
DJ, don't be difficult

Put Mana Mou on
Put Mana Mou on, I won't ask again
Put Mana Mou on
Put Mana Mou on, don't be inhumane
So please play for us
A Cypriot
Song mutually sung by siblings, brother plays Tzouras
The sister, not
And there's four backing singers, it's a must!

I bought two cokes and a beer
Spent kroner at the cashier
If you had some dignity
One song should be guaranteed
Can I see your boss
You may risk your job
If I hear no da-ba-dam
Come to think, I know
Where your porn is stored
Can I let your sweet wife know?

Enough with this torture
Use Spotify searcher, it won't take you long
Well, thanks, but are you sure?
I'm really not too sure this is the right song
Let me check Shazam
It says it's not
It seems to be En i Mana Mou Pou Ftei, you dumb
From ninety-one
Well, I suppose it's also kind of fun

Based on Estonia 2018

Pronunciation note: Elina’s pronunciation of “Amaury”:  A-maury   /aˈmauri/

Same year I saw him on stage
I was studying French*
Even before graduating
I’ve fallen in love.

He’d be my guider to the opera
He’s always on my mind.

I feel the days are so long,
Knowing he’s so far
Lord, I beg, be lenient…. make Amaury mine…

His “Sognu” inspires me
To always fight for love
So, I will have Amaury one day!

My dream to sing under spotlights
“Eurovision star”
For him I tried to make it real,
One step at a time.

(makes a promise, looking at his photo)
“My sweet Amaury, you’re my guiding star
We’ll meet for real soon, I won’t let you down.”

I fancy him all night long,
He makes me get hot…
Pour French wine and cheer now, he is here tonight!!

We’re so aroused in the night
And now finally I
surrender to Amaury… Oooh, yeeessss
Aaaaaaaah,
Aaaaaaa-aaaaahhhh!!!

*Elina Nechayeva graduated from Tallinn French School in 2011 (Source: Wikipedia)

Based on Belarus 2014

Say, is that Theresa May?
Or Tina Fey?
The world was nice and easy
When we could tell for sure

We’ve Photoshopped and
We’ve trimmed and cropped but
Now something much more sinister is here
It’s called “deepfake”

If you’ve never come across this word before
I’ll explain a little briefly what it’s for
It’s the superimposition of a head
Make it seem that they’re another instead

And perhaps I’ve oversimplified it here
You can find out more on Wikipedia
Recently though it’s become a real headache
Lots of famous people all get deepfaked

Oh, don’t care, yeah? Next time it could be you
Or you, or you

Say you don’t like Donald Trump
Or Kim Jong-Un
Just use your deepfake skills and you
Can make them both look gay

With just a quick click
They’re pornographic
And frankly there are things we should never ever see

I don’t want to say this will affect us all
But technology can spin out of control
Maybe we should just slow down, apply the brake
It’s an issue for a long mass debate

We’re already sceptical of what we read
We might even stop believing what we see
Did a controversy actually take place?
Is it real or is it just a deepfake?

Oh, yeah
What on earth can we do? Although, although...

Being such a cheeky boy
Here are deepfakes I’d enjoy, oh oh:

Douwe Bob and Stefan Raab without their clothes
Koza Mostra wearing sexy lederhosen, and

Se-e-e-rhat, yeah

With a boner…

Anyway, I lost the point so let me state
I can sympathise with you, I can relate
If you have a secret ideal deepfake

But we’ve got to stop with this depravity
It’s an issue of the deepest gravity
And I don’t approve of such activities
Even though I think I’d make sweet deepfakes

Deepfakes!

If you want, I’ve got a list of many more
I come up with them each day when I wake up, yeah

If you want, I can request one with your face
‘Cause I know a man in Minsk who deepfakes

Mwah!

Based on Croatia 1998

Up for adoption, all alone
Our mamas left us with no home
Because a doctor diagnosed
An illness beastly, odd, and gross

Though people let us stay, for thirty days,
They change their minds, discard us, when the full moon comes

Werewolves without a lair
Weakly werewhelps wearing well-worn wares
When will we find a family we don’t scare?

No love for furry lads
Naked, never noticed, never fed
Not so much as a bit of bloody bread

Why are we always disavowed?
Is it because we’re unibrowed?
Our lives are largely lacking hope
Living like lowly lycanthropes

Just ‘cause we pee on trees, does not mean we
Will maul your son, or shit on top of your divan

Please put your guns away
Piercing pups with pitchforks: not okay
Please, we pray, let us love you, we’ll behave-a-a-ve

For an eternity
Fleas and failure foiled our family
Four furries, fearful, furious, and free-e-e-e

Four furries, fearful, furious, and free-e-e-e

Can cuddly kids by day
Be blamed for being bitten by a stray?

Tiny tots, crossed with lupine DNA
Hairy, but … we need loving anyway...

Based on Iceland 2019

@*&#!

Stranger, forever lost
Eyeballs extremely crossed
Fifteen pounds this book cost
Where the fuck is Wally?!

Boiling, my temper
Only finding Wenda
Simple colour blocking:
Always better

~ Lost in the crowd ~
~ I go unfound ~
~ Shy I am not ~
~ I’m just really hard to spot ~

Legions of copycats
Brainwashed or body-snatched
Outfits too closely matched
Beach in summer weather
Still loyal to the sweater

Hat of the bobble
Fashion ensemble
Hand lens failure
Fruitless microscopy
Night becoming day

~ Come join my fun ~
~ Oh… but you can’t ~
~ I’ll make you crack ~
~ Turn for answers at the back ~
~ But there are none ~

~ Throw in the towel ~
~ You wanna hint? ~
~ I’ve got on a lovely hat ~

~ I’m meeting your glance ~
~ Still you look past ~
Cult of the knitter
Clutters picture
~ Still you look past ~
Wizard discovered
Veins about to rupture

~ Isn’t this fun? ~
Rising mental scarring
Dog in margin

I'll ask some children

Based on Luxembourg 1984

You know that life's a mystery
And everyone must stand alone
But then I hear you call my name
And instantly it feels like home

I hear your voice, an angel sighs
I have no choice, feels like I fly
I close my eyes and think I fall
Out of the sky, to God I call

Call my name, it feels like a prayer
I'm down on my knees, take you there
The midnight hour, I feel your power - oh!
Like a prayer, I will take you there

Just like a child, whisper to me
You're in control, it's like a dream
There is no end no beginning
You're here with me and a choir sings

Sound of your voice can take me there
I have no choice I hear your voice
A muse to me, a mystery
Not what you seem, it's like a dream

Call my name, it feels like a prayer
I'm down on my knees, take you there
The midnight hour, I feel your power - oh!
Like a prayer, I will take you there

I've got no choice, I hear your voice
A muse to me, a mystery

Call my name, it feels like a prayer
I'm down on my knees, take you there
The midnight hour, I feel your power - oh!
Like a prayer, I will take you there

Call my name, it feels like a prayer
I'm down on my knees, take you there
The midnight hour, I feel your power - oh!
Like a prayer, I will take you there

Based on Sweden 1982

You should do it once a week
Whenever you feel dirty

We all know it is such fun
To run about the streets buck naked

Look at where that muck collects
When you crawl through the bushes

That is where our place can help you out
Let us sing our salon’s motto now

Go Doggie Style!
Here to wash you nose to butt

Yes Doggie Style!
Big or small, pure-bred or mutt

Check us out on PoochAdviser
Woof! Woof! Woof! They all say

We’ll clean you up
Do it now in Doggie Style!

It’s our job to pamper you
Relieving all your tension

Did you hear about that zoo?
It really does deserve a mention

One small dog was all they had
Indeed it was a shih tzu!

Corny, true. At least that made you smirk
Who says fun is banned when you’re at work?!

In Doggie Style, Bettan rubs your cares away

While Kikki she gives you good floof, head to tail

Read these words from our subscribers:
Woof! Woof! Woof! on Houndtube

That’s what they say!
Take your time with Doggie Style

Your buddies will be eager to
Lick and sniff your arses

That’s just a perk

Do it now…in Doggie Style

Don't be shy

Say that #I'veDoneItDoggieStyle