Based on Slovenia 2020
Ana Soklič — Voda

💧 Baby’s awake: cue lactic flood.
There’s nout I can do – milk just comes.
Endless gallons to share 💧 everywhere,
wanted or not.

[Later]

He’s sleeping. Should we see then what’s new?
We haven’t watched that show yet –
that Star Wars one. It’s sci-fi.
That won’t set me off… 💧

[Gets to the end of the first episode]

Yoda!
Who you kidding? Course it’s him!
Those big ears, the dark eyes.
Yoda baby!
So adorbz! Oh – here it comes… 💧

[Goes a bit mad between episodes]

I’m almost ashamed how much I care
about this green ball of fun.
All the gifs I’ve shared on FB…
The pictures on WhatsApp…
More than our own son’s!

[Starts on the second episode]

💧 Yoda!
Every time that he appears
my jubblies start pumping.

[Then]

JAWAS!
Got enough to feed them all! 💦

Get the pumps out! I’m in floods now –
and I don’t mean crying tears.
I love my Yoda baby!
Maybe more than our own one.
Well, not more – but it’s close-run…

Based on Ireland 1975
The Swarbriggs — That’s What Friends Are For

When you’re horngry, when you’re blue
When you need someone to cuddle
But there’s no one there for you
If your monday’s grey and rainy
Your dog just wet your floor
That’s what snacks are for

Bagels and condiments
Or a chocolate swirl
Dill crisps and M&M’s
Ice cream with lemon curd
Making you feel much better
They’re never telling you no
If that cake needs a second munch
Don’t refuse it, have more

If you’re tired, or you fell
When you ran ‘cause you were hurrying
But that train still said farewell
But there’s always nibs to help you
And comfort you once more
That’s what snacks are for

Brie cheese and babybels
Hot doritos too
Peanuts and easter eggs
Bacon, potato loops
Making you feel much better
They’re never telling you no
If your mouth wants another smash
Let it have it again

So remember, take a bite
There’s a time and place for everything
And for snacks it’s all the time
If that dinner left you very full
But now you feel quite bored
So you still want more…

That’s what snacks are for!

Based on Montenegro 2015
Knez — Adio

In 2006, a newly independent Montenegro discovered that it was still in a state of war with Japan since 1904.
You can read more about this, and similar cases, during this lengthy intro.

Had no independence war
Serbians just let us go
Not heroic, honour must restore
Dormant for a hundred years
War state with the Japanese
Logic would be: reconcile in peace

No way, where’s the fun in that? Soon this people
Launch offensive on Japan, and we’re lethal
Mighty air force who have learned your Bushidō
Flying raid braidcopter men drop torpedoes

Force of Rambo’s troop marines
Emptied all your pockets clean
Yenless, try seppuku, for respect
Programmed all your game machines
Letting game parts out their screens
Blast down Tōkyō Space Invaders shall

Your intelligence won’t crack such hard lingua
Watermelon has own word, big enigma
ASIMO just could not match Žižić She-Bot
Samurais: who’s braver, then?

War! War! War! War!
War! War! War!
Die!

Your castella has become priganica
Kyōto’s made as boring as Podgorica
Tactics of abuse we have learned from Tito
Time to raise a big white flag
Akihito

Based on United Kingdom 1996
Gina G — Ooh Aah… Just a Little Bit

My death toll is incredible
With 80k slayed yesterday
Apartheid sets my heart ablaze
I like it rough in the Gulf

Not just one, I’m on every side
My protégés, all learn my ways:
Amplify pre-existing divides
Take opponents and stoke differing views

I am Gina Genocide
Known as the bringer of war
Bodies fall into the pit
As I’m screaming out for more

I am Gina Genocide
See me, and quiver indoors
I stock all your weapons kit
Like guns, a virus or C4

Donald Trump: helped out his campaign
Meet twice a week, covfefe
Things look bright in the USA
With Moscow in full control

Things heating up in Kathmandu
Nepalese are ill at ease
Reconciled, since 2006
But nothing’s peaceful, when your Gina comes through

I am Gina Genocide
Pop up, and trigger world wars
Shot the Archduke Ferdinand
On that bridge in Bosnia

I gave Hitler syphilis
Sculpted his awful face hair
Brought the Allies into it
Helped Truman bomb Hiroshima

Hey world!

Come join my death parade
Oh… yes we need you
Bring your national pride
And give to me your life

Oooh
Come on this is it, we’re headed for war
To the Gaza strip
(Arm the missiles)

Don’t be hypocrites, it’s what you’ve called for
Kill the immigrants
Whoaaa

Through the rise of populists
Hate crimes are starting to soar
Using messed up politics
Empathy has been destroyed

It’s me at the heart of it
Ginger, Great Goddess of war
I am Boggie’s nemesis
And hatred will prevail once more
(Yeah Yeah Yeah)

But now I’ve diversified
Next up, a new type of war
Deadly, and quite imminent
Climate change will kill you all

Feeling warm a little bit?
You are a victim of war
Gina Genocide!

Based on Ireland 1984
Linda Martin — Terminal 3

*Hightails it to the bathroom mirror*

Last night walked past that place – the Chinese takeaway that I got bird flu from.
Guess I should have known! Chicken chow mein to blame.
Now I feel much the same. Fear COVID-19’s been brought into my home!!

Only this morning in the papers I read: ‘Go anywhere near Asians and you’ll be dead!’
Twice now I’ve sneezed: it’s a sign!!

Closely inspect my face for some coronal trace.
My GP’s sure I’m wrong, though I’ve just explained. Like every time and case, says I exaggerate!
Can’t see me till next week, but that’s too late!!

By that time, well, to be sure I’ll be dead! “Here I am, calling you from my deathbed!!”
“Listen to me – you’ll be fine!”

Can’t he see that it’s worse than when I’d leprosy?
Scoffed at me, named some creams to dab on elbows and knees
“Just eczema, see?”
Take it easy? Not this time!

*Hightails it to the surgery*

“Can’t you see that it’s like when I had HIV?”
“Let me see – when we screened for that it turned out to be anxiety. Take it from me – you’re alright!”

No matter what I say, he just sends me away. Not even talking to me now on the phone!
I hope he feels ashamed and that he takes the blame when he hears that I’m gone!!

“Please go home.” (That’s what the eejit says each time I head his way)
“Please go home.” (So I email him, and feck it, I unload!)
“Please go home.” (“What’s not to understand, you odious little man!!”)
“Please go home.” (“I’ll be dead before long!!!”)

TERMINALLY ILL THIS TIME!!!!

*Ticks off all the things she’s had wrong with her*

Ectopic pregnancy post-hysterectomy…
Hot flashes just the same, with phantom menstrual pain…

Blood thinners – I take three, work out compulsively; ten minutes on a plane = thrombosis in my veins…

Based on United Kingdom 1968
Cliff Richard — Congratulations

Procrastination, no concentration
Deadline’s approaching yet I’m calm as the Dead Sea
Procrastination, into damnation
While my To Do list grows, I’m unphased as can be

Working from home is perilous, feels like a staycation
There are too many fun things around, too much temptation
An often cruelly minimized sad situation
How isolation can tear you apart

Procrastination, no motivation
Deadline’s approaching but I don’t feel urgency
Procrastination, feels like sedation
While my To Do list grows I’m numb beyond belief

But now it seems my laziness has its limitations
Lack of results interpreted as a provocation
Communication starts to show new intonation
Much irritation, I’m starting to freak

Procrastination, leads to frustrations
The deadline’s here, and I start sweating profusely
Procrastination, then devastation
When my To Do list shows, I’m late as I can be

Procrastination, caused termination
No more To Do list but regret in 1, 2, 3.

Can you give me a go? Attached is my CV

Based on Sweden 2009
Malena Ernman — La voix

Can you keep a secret?
I’ve been reading leaflets
Not convinced it’s true…

If we’re being honest
Science isn’t flawless
Just a point of view, oh…

And they don’t seem so sure

This climate change thing is a made-up plot
The earth is always cycling cold and hot
C02 cannot be blamed, it’s just sunspots
Do not feed me more of this leftist hoax

What are they concealing?
Go with your gut feeling
Do they really know?

Ocean-levels swelling?
Polar ice caps melting?
Then explain the snow, oh

It’s thirty below!

You keep repeating lies made up by bots
I know better because I am self-taught
PhDs or not, you can’t police my thoughts!
I’ve Google searched around…
UH, A LOT!!

(We’re random people on the internet)
(We’re dazzled by your massive intellect)
Gather and resist environmentalists!
These disasters are merely acts of God
They’re acts of God!
Like moi!!!
(Your bias-free ideas we applaud!)

Based on Sweden 1962
Inger Berggren — Sol och vår

He asks if I’m sure it’ll fit down there
I tell him he can stick it anywhere
He says not his place though, he lives with mum
And really that’s no place to bum

His dirty pictures on my mobile screen
Concealed he’d rather keep his bedsheets clean
If only there were someplace in between
I guess I’ll flick my own damn bean

“Can you accommodate?”
Is what they always say
They’ve all got reasons why they pass
I can sit on his face
But not his brand new chaise
In case I’ve got a leaky arse

You’re thinking, “Inger, why not your place then?
For getting fingered by parades of men?”
Well I would say it’s plenty, is it not
To let them in my honeypot?

I’ve had whole armies storm my hinterlands
Tie me in knots and stuff my mouth with pants
Positions that would make a pornstar blush
But once they cum, they all must rush

“Can’t you accommodate?”
That’s what they always say
And it’s a big wet load of parp
Finger me till it gapes
But fingers off his drapes
He tells me just stay on the tarp

First conversation, hopes of real romance
Until he sends a close-up of his glans
Asks would I mind doing him and his eight friends
Not one can host but they’ll attend

“My floor’s too slippery, it’s just been waxed”
So has my taint, I guess our plans are axed
“My wife might come home, but plan number 2
I know a skip where we can screw”

Why can’t men open up?
I won’t piss on the rug
Just in their face, over the bath
But who needs walls and floors?
I’ll take my fun outdoors
It’s back to dogging at the park

Based on Georgia 2012 [live]
Anri Jokhadze — I’m a Joker

If you work hard, they would tell me
Life would reward you, treat you fairly sweetly
Won’t be easy, a meritocracy
But I’ve seen it’s all bollocks now,
That I’ve grown up

Wha wha what’s your problem?
Wha wha what’s the matter
You you you’re a drugs fiend
Mad mad mad as a hatter

I’m a toker, I’m a stoner
Roll it baby, skin up baby, 420, 20 20
I’m a hashhead, I’m a pothead
Got no gear, I’m in tears baby, fuck this and fuck you

I’m a junkie and a drinker
I’m a lockdown Prozac sinker
Imma roll, no self-control, fuck me and fuck this

I’m a cokehead, all bravado
Crystal meth aficionado
Addict and a substance user
Imm-a-mphetamine abuser

I’m a toker, (he’s a stoner)
For the right fee, (kidney donor)
Got no grass, got no weed baby
Fuck it, fuck it, fucketty fuck, fuck it

I know my needs, (likes the weed)
Must get higher (so resistant)
Imma speed dial my supplier
Need my gear, get me gear baby
Fuck sake, (Fuck sake)

Pass me my box so
I can forget Brexit is happening
Fuck this, fuck that, baby
I must have sedation
Please don’t patronise me, oh fuck no no no

Imma skin a joint up and smoke it strong poppet
Fill my lungs up, nail those narcotics
I’m fucking flying… oh God

I’m a toker, I’m a stoner
Soon to be an ex-home owner
When Imma hammered, nothing matters, I don’t care, I don’t care
Just let me be
Don’t upset me with shit reality
Fuck that and Fuck this
I’m done here, I’m done here

Based on Germany 1998
Guildo Horn — Guildo hat euch lieb!

Dildos can be for kids
But not quite how you might think
That’s why we named this D.I.Y. video
“Dildos Can Be For Kids…
…How?”

Disaster awaits
When you leave for a holiday
But then your child lost the doll grandma sent her
Dropped it in the blender

Just take your grande
And then craft a perfect substitute
Glue some hair to the tip
Draw on eyes, paint on lips:
“Barbie’s now an amputee”

Dildos can be for kids
They won’t know something’s amiss
So here’s more simple tips to convince you
Dildos can be for kids

(Show us how, then)

There’s no need for new toys
‘Coz dildos make perfect building blocks
Matchstick legs, and you’ve got little ponies
Melt them to make play-doh

Time to go swimming?
Take a few of those inflated types
They will make a real nice
Cool flotation device
Strap them to your baby and dive!

Dildos can be for kids
See these small ones made of steel?
They make quite joyful sounds when you beat them
Make some music for kids

(Play it louder!)

?????

You want one more child
But just can’t afford another bed?
Get your vibrators out
Use some duct tape and knots
Build, build, build a vibra-cot

Dildos can be for kids
This long one, a pogo stick
Now we hope that we have you convinced that…
Dildos can be for kids

(There’s no doubt now…)
(There’s no doubt now…)
(Dildos can be for kids!)
(There’s no doubt how…)
Oh, dildos can be for kids
(Say it louder!)
(Dildos, perfect for kids!)
(Say it louder!)
Yes, dildos can be for kids