Ask Sarah’le

Based on Israel 1993
Lahakat Shiru — Shiru

WEEK 1

“Sarah’le, I’m sad, I beg you to help me
My marriage is bad, but I love my hubby
He gets home from work very late
His dinner gets cold, which I hate!
Does he even care at all?
It’s like we’re in free fall”
– Susanna, 46

Dear Susanna, I know what to do
It is simple, I just want you to
Take a chance, don’t always do the same
You might just need to up your game
‘Cause a marriage, well it can grow stale
When he gets home simply change the tale
On your knees for what he can’t reject!
Now that’s something he won’t expect

WEEK 2

“Sarah’le I did as you told me to do
So I got on my knees and I did the deed too
But it did not change anything
I think that he has got a fling
Could “work” really be a “friend”?
Oh will this ever end!?”
– Susanna, 46

Dear Susanna, I am sad to hear
But don’t worry, now you listen here
Hun, I know just what you need to do
It is simple, you’ll like it too
Try “the backdoor”, let him take control
Don’t forget lube, and be rock’n’roll
Just enjoy it, don’t be such a prude
I look forward to hear from you

WEEK 3

“Sarah’le, again, I did just as you said
So when Gary came home, I was ready in bed
On all fours and ready to go
I felt like such a slutty ho
But then he went to Bonn
“A business trip” with John”
– Susanna, 46

Dear Susanna, now that makes me sad
You did all that, and it’s still so bad
But there’s something that you can do, hun
It is simple, ah yes it is… Yes it is!
Tell your husband to invite this John
Have a threesome, it’s a lot of fun
Let them take turns, let them plow your buns
And if they just want you to watch?
Well Susanna, just enjoy!

HA, HA, HA!!

Based on Spain 1968
Massiel — La la la

I love to laugh
He, he, hee, ha, ha, haa,
To laugh out loud
HA, HA, HAAAAA!!!

You see me laughing at you
But don’t you think I’m rude
And don’t get angry dear,
No, it’s just my usual mood…
You may think I’m loony, yes,
I’m not, but I go on,
Can’t stop… and when they see this
People turn and say “Adios!”

Then when I text all is R.O.F.L.,
L.M.A.O., L.O.L……

The doctors say I might have P.B.A.
(that’s pseudobulbar affect)

I can’t control my laughter…
Is there something in my brain?
I giggle without reason…
That’s a thing I can’t explain.
I hear a “Buen dia” and I,
I’m on the floor
And laughing, oh, so hard, I…
Well I peed… (need a new thong)
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Your cat just died? Sorry, I’m cracking up
Cackling so hard, I can’t stoooop

You crashed your car? That’s so hi-la-ri-ous
Tears overflow from my eyeeees…

But then, voilà! There’s a thing I found out
I can’t believe… I mean… Whaaaat???

Damn! Who filled my hairspray with laughing gas???
You think it’s funny, you ass…
JÓ-DEE-TEEEEEEEEE!!!*

 

*jódete [hoh-deh-teh]: let’s laugh together

Sure Jan

Based on Moldova 2021
Natalia Gordienko — Sugar

I can’t explain if there was something going on
Filip Kirkorov had control of me
Always made certain that I never heard a word
Or saw behind closed doors

I never heard nobody talk at all
Of jury points or money
And that’s the reason I’m so sure
That ESC was a fair fight

All over Europa I showed the juries what I do
“Moldova! Moldova! We love her! Douze points!”

What’s with the bitching that our televote was fake?
Rest assured it’s all lies

It’s clear that everybody loved my song
In Portugal, France and Greece
Sammarinese, Serbs and more
I even made the Baltics’ night

All over Europa, at home the viewers were sold too
“Moldova! Moldova! We love her! Douze points!”

And as for rumours that the vocals were all messed about…
Well, that bit’s true… Just watch it back, you’ll see I barely sung
Back track and harmonies did all the work for me
So when my microphone went south I thought I was done!

I felt it slipping, Betty Boo-hoo moment comin’
Uh-oh
Oh no!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

(All me)

Poopity

Based on Ukraine 2013
Zlata Ognevich — Gravity

Nothing comes from food but poop
can you endure bell taco
diarrhea makes a loop
helped by coffe, tobacoo

When you near but you must hold
Why is it growing stronger?
I am shopping and i’m bowled
I can’t wait no longer

I’m yelling at cashier
Can you do things faster, I’m on go
cursing now taco
(It’s stronger than me) My poopity, My poopity

Hey… run…
Ah yeah… run…
See… run…

She is done and given cash
Mmh… make my way clear
Hoping not to make poopmash
its coming and i fear

Now im standing all alone
With a brown stain on my zara dress
I should have’t eat before this
(It’s all over me) My poopity, My poopity

Hoping no one takes a pic (of poopity)
i see someone taking a pic (of poopity)
I should have’t eat before this
(sexgame over for me) My poopity, My poopity

poopity

Bird with a New Face

Based on Netherlands 2021
Jeangu Macrooy — Birth of a New Age

Skin as smooth as my smile is bright
(His chirping is like yelling, his chirping is like yelling)
Lush feathers stunning as you focus on my eyes
(His beak is oh so smelly, his beak is oh so smelly)
They look at my frown and they wonder out loud
(We guess we’re kinda jelly, we guess we’re kinda jelly)
The yard is full ‘cause of my shake
But I am honest, don’t play games
I don’t pretend, no
I’m a bird with a new face

Thanks so much, Dr Lee
I owe you, Dr Lee
I am so thankful, Dr Lee
He is the best, you see
The work he did on me
It was worth all of the money

Don’t want to be an aeroplane
(Like seven, four and seven, like seven, four and seven)
I am not annoyed by those nicknames
(We just called him a Boeing, we just called him a Boeing)
‘Cause what are the odds they would have liked my gloss?
(You’re right, we’re being jelly, you’re right, we’re being jelly)
In the fountain when we all bathe
Admiring looks, you don’t need to feign
Don’t be so jell, no
I’m a bird with a new face

I’m looking cute, brushing off jealousy
More in demand than the rarest canary
Not born with brilliance, pretty with science
I am a bird with a new face

All thanks to Dr Lee
All like the look of me
Flapping their wings at, wings at me (Birds are fucking horny)
‘UFO’, they call me
Manmade just parts of me
Still a bird, looking so lovely (Google Dr Lee now)
As we sit in this tree
Knowing you envy me
Ruffle my feathers subtly (That tail is so sexy)
‘Cause a bird should be free
Of all this scrutiny
Recommend calling Dr Lee (Spending all my savings)

In the Freezer

Based on Karen Pálsdóttir – In the Future (Söngvakeppnin 2010) [live]

??????????

*Nom nom nom nom nom, hah!*
*Nom nom nom nom nom, hah!*

❄️

I was feeling horngry
I was feeling blue
I did crave something
To lift up my mood

Then I heard the buzzing
From across the room
Sounded so inviting
As my hunger grew

And now I wonder!
What is hiding
There in the freezer?
For me
Maybe… eyeballs?
Or is it ice cream?
In the freezer
Could be bees
(In the freezer)

Is it leftover bagels?
Is it frozen brie?
Is it purse piranhas?
Or just cows and pigs?

I’m not sure I dare to
Open up and peek
What if there is nothing?
Come on, come on, let me see!

What could be in there?
Frosty secrets
Inside the freezer
“Eyes-cream”?
Dolls in blenders?
No, that’s absurd, huh
In the freezer
I must see
(In the freezer)

*Nom nom nom nom nom, hah!*
*Nom nom nom nom nom, hah!*

❄️❄️❄️

It’s open (Mmm…)
I see it (see it)
The truth’s here
It’s just:

ICEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

(I-i-i-i-i-i-ice)

That’s all that’s in there?!
I don’t want that
This stupid freezer
Tricked me
Disappointment
Though I’m still hungry
Guess I’ll eat this
Stale old ICEEEE!!!!

(No need to wonder)
(What’s inside it)
What’s inside it?
(The same as always)
Bleeugheeeugheugh!
(Nothing)
Nothing?!
(You must refill it)
Ooooo…
(With snacks and eyes, miss)
Pupils…
(In the freezer!)
In the freezer!
(In the freezer!)

Estonian Cowgirl Reprise

Based on TseSho – Hate (Vidbir 2019)

(Hate)
(Hate)
(Hate)
(Hate)

I hate you
You hate me
(Hate)
I hate you
You hate me
(Hate)
I hate

(Hate)
(Hate)

I’m against optimism
I’m against pessimism
I’m against Anton Haggman
I’m against Thomas G:Son
I’m against Feker Libi
I’m against Eden Alene
I’m against ALC
I’m against everything

I hate you
(Hate)
You hate me
(Hate)
I hate you
(Hate)
You hate me
(Hate)
We hate

Hate society
Hate people
Hate myself
Hate this day
Hate music
Hate Eurovision
Hate art
Hate pride
Hate winter
Hate summer
Hate these lyrics
Even hate this song

I hate you
(Tell me kccc)
You hate me
(Why I gave you 20)
I hate you
(And you repay me)
You hate me
(By blanking my entry)
I hate

(Hate)
(Hate)
(Hate)
(Hate)

*screams at an Icelandic hill for 20 seconds*

(Hate)
Help me
(Hate)
Please
(Hate)
Win next
(Hate)
Year

Urk’s Files: The Day That Urk Stood Still

Based on Netherlands 1996
Maxine & Franklin Brown — De eerste keer

? Strange alien sounds in forests of Urk ?

Naj nanana, nana
Nana, nana, nana
Nanana, na nana, nana la
Lala, lala…

We search for all things paranormal
And strange, secret shit
Yet every time you’re always the sceptic

Sure, we solved the case of Bigfoot
But with science in mind
These wacky sightings have to be bogus

Whoa-oa-oa

Case 8-1-X-11:
Cryptids singing “Baby, Baby”

When disco lights appear
All Urkers shake in fear
Nicole and Hugo’s screams
Can cause burns in each ear

First seen in Luxembourg
They wandered north to Urk
The truth is out there, still it’s quite weird
Time has come to join these dots…

? Autopsy of a burnt ear victim including a will-they/won’t-they kiss scene ?

Make yourself useful then
We’re not here to screw around!
Watch out for an alien twosome

Oh, I set a trap with M&Ms
Forgot they liked sprouts
But look! They’ve left a trail we can follow

? Points torch at a sequence of sequins ?

Oh…

Whoa-oa-oa

Crap, we’ve caught their attention!!

Activating…

Muff protection!!

Rushing to shield our ears
The beings disappeared
A glimpse is all we saw
But still their spaceship’s here!

Let’s bash their back-doors in
It looks like foil of tin
We’ll find the Captain’s Log on their Bridge
To work out what’s what

? Maxine finds a panel covered in Phlegm, language of the aliens ?

Could this be an evil plan for a massacre?
Great Scott – over here! Ain’t this a flux capacitor?!

Whoa! Oh? Oh!? Oh!! Oh!! Oh‽
¿Oh? ¡Oh! ¿¿Oh?? ¡¡Oh!! ¿¡Oh?! ⸘⸘Oh‽‽
Yeah! ¡Yeah! Yeah!

? Console displays “2003” amidst alien letters ?

It seems they’ve fled the scene
Inside a time machine
So why then had they come?
They just think ESC is fun

Disguised in brand new skins
From fresh-dug graves or bins
Their “Project Jemini” might win but…

Look what’s next ?

It’s “Still in Love with You”

Fruit & Veg Stall

Based on North Macedonia 2006
Elena Risteska — Ninanajna

Come here boy
Let’s do a trade boy
I’m a grrr-eengrocer

‘O-, o-, o-, o-, o-, oh
O-, o-, o-, o-, o-, ahhh
O-, o-, o-, o-, o-, o-
O-RANGES!’

Melons what I got boy
And melon’s what you need
Come drink in this juicy flesh
I’ll take care of the seeds

I open up by 8am
And finish half past two
But if you wanna kumquat after hours
I’ll hold some back for you

Berries ripened with untamed desire
Mangoes? Citrus? Yeah, I can supply ya’
Come taste my passion fruit
Here, grab an easy-peeler

Let’s add heat into our jambalaya
Chillies sourced from the lands of the Maya
I know you feel it too
Boy, I got five-a-day for you

‘ai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai
lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, LIMES!’

This week’s special offer is the tasty cantaloupe
You and your fiancée can come here for three-for-two

I’m exotic like the mangosteen
And smooth just like a peach
You see the jackpot in this fruit machine?
I’m gonna give it to ya’

‘Wet your mouth on my slice of papaya’

I can see you’re a discerning buyer
Watch as I squeeze the juice
Out of two ripe satsumas
Dragon fruit? In the trade it’s pitaya
Vitamins? I have all you require
I got a pear for you
Come here and feel my honeydews

‘Oh, oh, oh’

You found your way here to my market stall
With hunger in your eyes
And fire in your soul

All my stock is sourced organic’ly
My hygiene rating’s good
No others can compete, no!

Quit late nights eating trash at the diner
Boy your taste buds deserve something finer
Let’s take this all the way
Get out your Apple Pay

Message me with some fruity emojis
No dickpics SMS’d to my phone, please
This girl is not obscene
But she’s a fan of aubergine
??

Now unzip the banana

Breathe (June 1st)

Based on Netherlands 2014
The Common Linnets — Calm After the Storm

Suffocating silence
Here at 16th Street and I
The angry crowds beside me
All want answers why

Livin’ in the cursed kind
Of what’s called “interesting times”
No one feigns ignorance
‘Cause we could see the signs

Dark clouds are all I see
A Monday in DC
And all I wanna do is breathe

Lungs cry for justice
Tear gas in my eyes
The Square they call Lafayette
By force brought into line

I just want for Black Lives
to Matter just like mine
But the unnamed force invading
Thinks fascism is fine

Dark clouds are all I see
A Monday in DC
And all I wanna do is breathe

Eight forty-six and life is gone
There’s no moving on
When all we wanna do is breathe

Maybe come November
We can breathe again
Someday soon, if ever
And if not now, then when?

Dark clouds are all I see
A Monday in DC
And all I wanna do is breathe

There’s no liberty
When all we wanna do is breathe