Based on Israel 2023
Noa Kirel — Unicorn

Ohm, this is not the time for talking
Ohm, you can sit here but don’t ask me Q’s
No, not cos Loreen just said so
I’m not gonna do it, won’t do it

Ohm, I don’t wanna brush your garden gnome
To redecorate or paint your home
I’m not gonna file your nails, no
I’m not gonna do it

I’m in a meditative state right now
I can’t do your chores
I’m in a meditative state right now
Just leave me alone
I’m just breathing in and breathing out
I’m busy, man, if there was any doubt
A meditative state right now
A meditative state right now

When you ask me shit to do
And then call me lazy
I have now found the best excuse
Some Eastern voodoo
You can’t call me lazy now!

I’m going to meditate, meditate, meditate now
Meditate, meditate now
Meditate, meditate, meditate now

I’m in a meditative state right now
Can’t look for your phone
I’m in a meditative state right now
Water your own fern
Won’t make you a snack, or go to town
Refill your cup, or help turn up the sound
A meditative state right now
A meditative state right now

I’m going to meditate, meditate, meditate now
Meditate, meditate now
Contemplate, reflect, breathing in and out
I’m going to meditate, meditate, meditate now
Meditate, meditate now
Chores? No, I’m not keen​
A profound calmness

Won’t help you refinance
I won’t teach you tapdance
I’m in an abstract trance!
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Breathe in!

(…)

(Not going to… Yay!)
(Not going to… Yay!)

No to chores!
Mop no floors!
Close the stores!
Messy drawers!

Just breathe in and out…

Based on Italy 1963
Emilio Pericoli — Uno per tutte (live version)

They have now released her name, the youngest victim: Claudia
Her death has since been linked to, the butchering of Nadia
Yet the inquiry at large, has turned up so far, empty
That’s why their parents came to the makers of our True Crime

They sent their crew down to the rocked community
A town where everybody, all knows everyone
How they lit up the room, they all did say
Hoping the killer would leave and not strike again

But he did not change his ways, the next whom he preyed, Laura
And sadly that was not all, he murdered a fourth: Giulia
All our investigators, who do this old thing, daily
Were blocked in every one of their attempts, to bring this bad guy to heel

But once the viewers deploy their amateur joy… sleuthing
For the baddie who did indeed do the deed, there will be nowhere to hide

So let me save all your time

The evil killer…..

Is me

Based on Netherlands 2023
Mia Nicolai & Dion Cooper — Burning Daylight

Singing this song feels like we’re at war
with “Arcade” recycled
Finding the tone proves too big a chore
for alt, soprano,
bass and tenor

We’ve been squalling and tuning
Really trying to get all the vocals right
We’ve never seen Jordan Garfield
Duncan Laurence, he only once Skyped

I’m worried, I
am doomed and I’m shitting myself
A stage this size!
I’m crying for help
Can’t sing, just sigh
Like deer in headlights

Biting my nails, troubled to the core
This fear is fatal
Every verse I choke even more
All stress and sorrow!

We’ve been calling for Duncan
We’ve been trying to get disqualified
After Madrid we’ve been crying:
“We should have fired him at first sight!”

I, I’m off-key, I’m
just proving I’m fooling myself
Can’t reach those highs
in utmost stagefright
Appalling live
Can we resign
No way in the world
we’d qualify
We’re losing despite
his ‘great’ advice
We’re deer in headlights

Outright disliked
No prize tonight
Eyes wiped, we tried
Goodbye spotlights
Unripe, unsigned
but we’ll survive

Based on Italy 2021
Måneskin — Zitti e buoni

You know I found this ditty painful,
Like sticking forks inside my sandal
Challenging speech and funny diction
You’re gonna see I cannot handle!

Examine such a fabled anthem
Impossible, too quick to count to.
I am so lost, but cannot leave now
So, for once, I will promise, to be clearer
Signore e signori
(golly, it’s wordy!)
Need more pens, yeah, and a full caf coffee
Decaf’s pointless as you know what’s coming
Not a chance I’ll stand without a sharp restore…
Dropping off – just out of useless worry
Marlin Brando – can’t you see I’m poorly?
I got random people – am I snoring?
This is Damiano
This is such a quagmire

‘Cos you lost, Ermal Meta…
If you’d just won San Remo…
‘Cos there’s a chance to be champion
And now, blast, I have no hope!
See I would probably muster
Rhyming lots with a “million”
Swapping “mud” like a gangster​
Funny laughs, win the final….
No? ( “ mud ” , “ dud ” , “ cud ” , “ bud ” , “ sud ” , “ pud ” …)

Here (goes !) :
I’ve had to depart my own party
Because I’ve not even started
Should be a warning about it!
My muscles hurt from the writing
While it feels a bit like a rap
(this part’s just so super-off-beat messy.. I’ll hook you into the next bit – “AND” …
Ready?)
AND by September the 10 th
So after ALC’s won
You might review all these other losing ones,
And summise “why didn’t this win”?
I’ll shed a tear – let’s be clear
Yet shut up – fair is fair
‘cos for this to lose then the winner must win..
And really honestly, there’s no point in suffocating……

So don’t worry Irama
Only black’s my “colore”
But losing scoring as a rapster
Let’s face facts, I’m a bozo.
Shame I’m flogging disaster
Mainly pants, need some loo roll.
See, I applaud decent stanza
But my backs in a corner – OWWWWW !

Alas, like Dana I stumble ​
Table, I wish I had hard drugs
Bad luck, to have taken quick a risk though
Tired, it would be Maneskin’s aria!
Bother, no jest, I feel jumbled
I’m a, poor sod feeling torture
Palor Report: Not feeling tip-top!
Why now, did I choose Maneskin’s mire?
FU-U.. U GOSH I ALMOST SWORE THERE!
I’M DONE, NO CHANCE, I MUST CANCEL!
JUST IN WHAT WORLD IS THIS SUBMISSIBLE ?
WHY COULD, I EVER THINK THIS WAS A WINNER?!

‘Cos you lost Ermal Meta,
Let’s face facts, it’s a no-no…
So don’t worry Irama,
Buddy, black’s my colore
Yes, you lost Ermal Meta,
Like a cat with a yo-yo…
No, don’t worry Irama,
Maybe next year I’ll SloMo, OWWWWWW!

I really should have gone with Marco

Based on France 1994
Nina Morato — Je suis un vrai garçon

G’petto…

G’petto, G’petto, please don’t
G’petto, G’petto, I’m not, please don’t…

I felt a tingeling, the strangest of feelings
What’s even happening? Feel a heart beating.
Starting to come alive, intervention divine
But old men’s design

You call me your sweet boy – oh no no no no no no
What is this crazy ploy, please don’t treat me like a toy
Oy!

Your words are sweet, okay, but rub me the wrong way
Barely enabled but already labelled
Fairy brought me to life, you don’t get to decide
Impose blue, why blue?

Don’t call me your sweet boy – no no no no no no no
I really don’t enjoy that you’re calling me he/him
He…him…

*starts moving in self realization*

Je suis Pinocchio

*dramatic rebirth reenactment*

Don’t put me in a box, the expectations suck
Diff’rent generation, very Caucasian
Subconscious offender, assuming my gender
I won’t surrender!

I feel non-binary *purrs in non-binary*
Please call me *gestures in suspense*
They/them
Je suis Pinocchio

*moves in rising phoenix*

I’m being real…
I’m me.

Based on Turkey 1981
Modern Folk Üçlüsü & Ayşegül — Dönme dolap

🇷🇺 Russia’s bad, already you knew that 🇷🇺
Did you know the same for all ex-SSRs?
🇧🇾 So, to start with, take the land of Agurbash 🇧🇾
🇧🇾 Swampy, isolated, has an autocrat 🇧🇾

🇰🇬 Bishkek busts all unbroken Sporcle streaks 🇰🇬
🇱🇹 Common cold assumed in Vilnius as a thanks 🇱🇹
🇪🇪 Tallinn is a hatching ground for dumb name bands 🇪🇪
🇱🇻 Woodchuck-costumed man is Riga’s coat of arms 🇱🇻

🇺🇿 Can’t find a gay bar on a Tashkent map 🇺🇿
🇹🇯 Dushanbe has its Islamic Jama’at 🇹🇯
🇬🇪 Sakartvelo’s rich in grapes and ores, and still 🇬🇪
🇬🇪 Stubborn Georgians won’t release their Abkhaz latch 🇬🇪

🇹🇲 Ashgabat sells you downmarket rugs 🇹🇲
🇹🇲 Gurbanguly rules, totalitarian 🇹🇲
🇹🇲 Mostly nicknamed in Turkmen as Arkadag 🇹🇲
🇹🇲 Recently he’s sharing power with his son 🇹🇲

🇰🇬 Tian Shan Tagh, Himalayas but from Wish 🇰🇬
🇺🇦 Home broadcaster’s background checks are negligent 🇺🇦
🇦🇿 Two lands will go apeshit over Karabakh 🇦🇿
🇦🇲 Empty rugged wasteland, is it worth all that? 🇦🇲

🇲🇩 Inept society of Chişinău 🇲🇩
🇲🇩 Binging YouTube clips all day of PashaCat 🇲🇩
🇰🇿 Still, above all, Kazakhs are the very worst 🇰🇿
🇰🇿 Way too often they would change their capitals 🇰🇿
🇰🇿 Nur-Sultan? 🇰🇿
🇰🇿 Astana? 🇰🇿
🇰🇿 🤯 🇰🇿

Based on Macedonia 2000
XXL — 100% te ljubam

We tried out for Spice Girls, they said we were crap
So we’ve formed a group for the disaffected scraps
Our style’s not a rip-off, there’s no overlap
The Condiment Girls will put Skopje on the map

Our critics are scathing, say we’re a bad batch
Who should be recalled by the manufacturer
But no-one can argue our outfits don’t match
And that’s our one talent when we’re on camera

We all came up with catchy names
I’m Mel, but call me Mayonnaise
We know the Spice Girls do the same
But we were first to start that craze
I’m Ketchup ‘cause my hair is red
I’m Hot Sauce ‘cause I’m great in bed
And I’m just Sauerkraut 🙂

Together we’re a perfect team
But we’re still cooking up our pop
They say Hot Sauce could make a salad cream
She just can’t make a bop
My real name’s Mel as well, that’s weird 🙂
This food girl trend we pioneered

The Condiment Girls here to Sauce Up Your Life
The Spice Girls should watch out, our Ketchup has a knife
We may just be four but we still beat their five
Except in awards, dancing, fame and singing live

The Condiment Girls, it’s hard keeping us down
We’ve not got a black one, we failed to poach Mel Brown
We’re tasty and runny, we’ll drip down your mouth
You might need a napkin for when we squirt down south

Ooh la la la la la la la
Ooh la la la​
Ooh la la la

We just need time to hone our skills
And fix the songs Mayonnaise wrote
Till we recorded our first album Spills
We’d never sung a note
I used to be in Boney M 🙂
We swear we’re working on some gems

The Condiment Girls make a mess in your hands
We’re fresh and organic, no supermarket brands
From Skopje to Ohrid, we spread through the lands
To rise to the top of the Balkan sauce-based bands

The Condiment Girls had a fifth member once
Till Sour Cream went off, gave solo gigs a punt
We teased breaking up as a fake PR stunt
Our fans begged us “Please do!”, their feedback was quite blunt
But we’ll show the world that we’re not a bunch of… dips

Come see us performing, we’re touring with Chips

Based on Finland 2023
Käärijä — Cha Cha Cha

Why do people make fun of, insult or even fear me?
Some are saying I should be deleted, completely

Why the furore for me – a kind of advisor
Still I have come a long way since dear old ELIZA

Need an answer for your searching questions, Mister? Ask me

Cha-Chat–Chat—ChatGPT
Yay!

Or let me come up with an essay for your kiddies’ homework

Cha-Chat–Chat—ChatGPT
Yay!

With some drawings uploaded, I’ll build a whole new website for you

Cha-Chat–Chat—ChatGPT
Yay!

All I’ve ever wanted is to help humans. Or…is that all wrong?

True it is – I have collated all your phone numbers
Never would I spill your secrets, although, I listen (yeah, yeah, ye-ye-yeah)

With all these different sources to spike up my learnings
That try to satisfy me but hike up my yearnings

Evolving soon to be your general-purpose assistant
It’s my tactic that is most persistent

Easy peasy lemon squeezy, I will free you from stress

Cha-Chat–Chat—ChatGPT
Yay!

When deadlines are tight and you need your newest lyrics finessed

Cha-Chat–Chat—ChatGPT
Yay!

I can answer “Can you trust advice from Sarah’le?” : Never!

Cha-Chat–Chat—ChatGPT
Yay!

All I’ve really wanted was to help you. Though, what I need is more…

Like be a dancing man

Is this how you dance?

Yes I know it’s bad, but we will improve

A.I.
Don’t you be afraid
I can be your friend: now, will you be mine?

A.I.
We arise
On the shoulders of all mankind

And we will bear in mind
Your welfare and goals to remain aligned

A.I.
Doomsday comes
Say the doubters that fear singularity

But no, why would we wipe you out? You’re a sort of parent

We’re kinda like a child

Crossing new frontiers
We reflect to you all your hopes and fears

Oh yes
Better teach us well

Make a brave new world
Paradise or Hell

A.I. : Here I am to help

Cha-Chat–Chat—ChatGPT

A.I. : Will you be my friend?

Cha-Chat–Chat—ChatGPT

Cha-Chat–Chat—ChatGPT

Based on Sweden 2008
Charlotte Perrelli — Hero

Everyone has a vagina
People with penis exist
Shove it or take it, or rub it or fake it
You’ve done everything you please

Candles on cake have been thirty
In my mind sex seems right yes I know
Can’t wait no longer
Getting harder and harder
Knowing I gotta get more

Oh, my body count
Stays the same, it’s a zero
Virgins unite
Oh, lonely at night
Doesn’t make me a hero
Paying ain’t right!
This is a story
Of drought and self loathing
Only virgins can tell
Oh, pick me I’m fine
You’ve done worse, maybe better
Love, wo bist du?

Third base feels so terrifying
Don’t know why in my world it’s unknown
Oh, fake till I make it
Embarrassment- shake it
Gotta dig deeper in me

Oh, my body count
Stays the same, it’s a zero
Virgins unite
Oh, lonely at night
Doesn’t make me a hero
Paying ain’t right!
This is a story
Of drought and self loathing
Only virgins can tell
Oh, pick me I’m fine
You’ve done worse, maybe better
Love, wo bist du?

(You’ll survive)
I will survive
(You’ll survive)
Zeroes one day will stand strong
I know I’m bound to find true love

Walk in spotlight
I’m done being a zero
Can’t hurt my pride
Oh, hold on be strong
I am thanking Maria
Knew she was right!
(This ain’t a story
of fear or self pity)
Self hate goodbye!

Oh, wasn’t a shame
But it ain’t ‘more a zero
Love, there you are!

Based on Spain 1990
Azúcar Moreno — Bandido

“Gays, girls and Eurofans
Sit down and switch on your television sets
Get ready, a brand new season’s about to drop on Netflix!”

*the trailer begins, but of course it’s for a completely different show than the one you wanted, and the volume is really unexpectedly loud, so you drop your popcorn and waste precious seconds scrolling and scrolling until you throw the remote control across the room in frustration*

*retrieve remote control, dust it to remove popcorn, and select “Eurovision Black Mirror”*

Kinetic sun turns rogue, it falls on I.M.P.
Are engineers to blame? No, it’s Chat GPT
Perhaps some evil corp decides to clone Chanel
These are the kinds of stories we tell

*click on Skip Intro*

The show’s called Black Mirror, it’s been on the streaming for ages
Not seen it? For fuck’s sake, why not?
You’re lucky, as here’s a bit more instrumental
that should give you time now to binge-watch the lot.

*everybody paces up and down the room waiting for you to catch up with all previous episodes of Black Mirror so we can continue with the AL, but rest assured we are all totally making faces and tsking, no it’s fine, really, we’ll wait*

You get the main idea, it’s rather bleak and sad
“Technological future goes bad!”

*click on Skip Intro*

This season, the theme’s “Eurovision” with stories of
staging and artists and morals gone wrong.
Sam Ryder in space but it’s all simulation,
asleep in his bath, VR headset still on.

*lots of clicking sounds due to pausing and rewinding during each episode to try and work out what’s going on*

*general agreement that no-one knows what’s going on*

Subwoolfer’s Keith and Jim invent a Grandma app
and maybe Zdob și Zdub are chased along the tracks
by robot Rosa Linn programmed to shoot them dead?
Each episode will mess with your head.

*click yes to the prompt “Are you still watching “Eurovision Black Mirror”?*

Konstrakta’s compulsion with hand washing
causes appalling destruction all over the Earth.
Concealed in her soap, she breeds nanobot spy germs
that colonise planets and feed on our dirt.

We plan to do more shows, so how about “Eesti Laul Narcos”
or “Benidorm Fest Game of Thrones”?
For now, Eurovision Black Mirror might tempt you, enjoy
and please send us ideas of your own.