John Lundvik speelt een raadspel

Based on Sweden 2019
John Lundvik — Too Late for Love

Hey, how you been?
I wonder, do you yearn for Sha-La-Lie?
Say, am I wrong
To wonder if it could be You and Me?

Is it Never Alone?
Mhm
Is it De Eerste Keer?
I wanna know
Is it Ring-dinge-ding?
I can't take no more
Is it?

Birth of a New Age could get your gong,
Or maybe Grow is your preferred of Jeangu's songs,
Or is it Your Heart Belongs to Me,
Perchance Fernando en Fillipo?
Tell me!

Can't be Als het om de liefde gaat,
(Is it Colorado?)
(Is it Out on my Own?)
Maybe
You're the one who voted for Trijntje?

I'm not content,
Cos nothing from these songs gets your acclaim
Now, just in case,
A list of loads of things I haven't named,

De Diepte or Arcade?
Mhm
Is it Lights and Shadows?
I wanna know!!

Outlaw in 'Em, Slow Down, Walk Along?
Amambanda, Shine, Birds, or Waar is de zon?
No Goodbyes, One Good Reason or Tijd,
On Top of the World,
Rechtop in de Wind,
TELL ME!!

Net als toen, Een beetje, Ding-a-Dong,
(Is it De Troubadour?)
(Or The Party's Over?)
Tell me,
Do you like Mouth too or just Maggie?
(Is it Ik hou van jou?)
(Oh God, I've run out now...)

Calm after the storm just makes you yawn,
Does Edsilia give you a hard-on?

(Ohhhhhhh!!!!)
I think now I've won your silly game,
I have realised your favourite, I'll exclaim,
Now it seems so obvious to me,
Your favourite Dutch song,
Of COURSE it's this one,
VREDE!

I forgot - you like a matriarch!
(The power she gives off)
(The kind of thing you love)

But in my opinion?
It's shit.



Grindr

Based on Greece 2005
Helena Paparizou — My Number One

I was browsing
all through grindr
when I found a pilot who looked like a model

He was so hot
with an 8 pack
that I went ahead and told him “ wow I want you!”

So I met him
at an alley
and I blew him dry until I had him screaming

Then I took him
to the bushes
and I fucked him silly for more than ten hours

You were my fuck
my one grindr fuck
the only asshole I’d ever sucked
You were my fuck
my one grindr fuck
Tell me that you love me and I will eat your ass

Sex was so good
for a few months
that there were days when I couldn’t feel my prostate

(HAPPY GAY DANCE)

Something’s happened
you don’t call me
so I follow you into your swanky apartment

What the hell, dude?
Who’s this woman?
I think I’ve been taken for a very wild ride

You can see me
from the kitchen
now you’re shaking madly dropping all the dishes

You go crazy
and I notice
that you’re packing heat so I will make my exit

But oh my god
oh my fucking god
turns out you married a girl named Kat
But oh my god
oh my fucking god
good luck with your six kids, your dog and your Kat

You’re a cheater
and a sleazebag
good luck getting rimmed now cos my tongue is busy

(VERY ANGRY AND VICIOUS GAY DANCE)

I have her mail
her email address
and there’s one thing that you’ve never known
I have the tapes
of all of our fucks
and to your dismay they are now on their way

Back to grindr
but from now on
I’ll jerk off alone you useless motherfucker*

*Inspired in part, to my eternal shame, by true events. Don’t look at me like that, he was really hot goddam it!!!!!!



Eurovision Squid Game

Based on Sweden 1991
Carola — Fångad av en stormvind

*sinister howling*
*sound of tentacles*

Like that South Korean show
Contestants stand to win many millions
Is your cashflow running low?
Sign up and try your luck, you might even make new friends

Just a word of warning: while it sounds like fun,
You will battle like it’s nineteen ninety-one

In the Eurovision Squid Game!
Lots to play:
Steal a kiss from Sarah Bray
Take the last word from Amina
Can, İzel, Reyhan say you must get
Toto to enunciate, without errors
“Iki dakika”

(Braaavo!)

Now you’d best get set to run
Kim Jackson’s shooting wasps from her underwear
Tug-of-war with Just4Fun
Venetian acid rain sprays from Thomas Forstner’s hair

Bebi Dol demands you samba for your life
Did I mention she shoots lasers from her eyes?

In the Eurovision Squid Game!
Dodge the cats thrown at you by Duo Datz
and the ghost of Anders Frandsen
Wrestle with Peppino in your briefs
Take his socks off with your teeth,
meanwhile Clouseau point at you and laugh

The final battle: (oooh!)
Defeat me if only you can
I’m SquidCarola
and I’ll tear your neck, your face, your hands

And that’s how we got that strange name:

Eurovision “Squid” Game
(Literally)
And if you can vanquish me
You’re the winner of our jackpot
You survived these weird games - you’re a star
Take your money, buy a car
Come back next year, if you’re not too maimed

(Still think that's an odd name)

It's my Eurovision Squid Game!



We’re All Gonna Die

Based on Denmark 1981
Tommy Seebach and Debbie Cameron — Krøller eller ej

It’s your best gift, it’s short
And shrinks as you get older
Waste time without a thought
Then one day it’s all over.

Death will catch you up, no way to escape it
Not even through good deeds, might as well just be mean
‘Cause Heaven is a load of shit
You die, and you’re just dead.

Everyone will die
This is your future
Won’t be beamed up to the sky
You just go rotten.

No meeting the Reaper
They’ll chuck you in a hole
You’ve got no soul
This is the only life
So enjoy it while it lasts
‘Cause we’re all gonna die.

[One of the dancers died in 1996 after falling out of a hot air balloon.]

You’d like a twist ending, no?
Reincarnate as toast?
Become a ghost?
Well, that all sounds sublime
But you’re gonna be a corpse
And that’s it for all time.

(Death gets closer every day.)

Everyone who is alive
Won’t be forever
Give it fifty years or five
They’ll be cadavers.

No meeting with Jesus
If you’re not buried cold
You’re burnt like coal
Soon after you expire
And then packed into an urn
To sit above the fire.

(We’re all gonna die.)



Paparazzi

Based on Norway 1976
Anne-Karine Strøm — Mata Hari

There are days I just can't make it even though I try to fake it
When a fish is my whole outfit, I’m the page one cover view
When I curled the barbell so low that I pulverized my big toe
In the end I’m in a talk show on the tragic and wonderful news
And for a while feel alive

Paparazzi, now a man, but every day a different gender
Paparazzi, look at me, I make love with a chicken tender
Give me a cash advance and you’ll get the first glance
You walk away laughing and leave me alone with my shame

As I feel like slowly dying, I know all my fans are crying
But it is too gratifying, life is never as the dreams
No more crimes, but in name only, I am still the one and only
Who could know how to remain free as I did – speculation ran rife
A private reel sealed the deal

Paparazzi, look at me, I have another fender-bender
Paparazzi, I am pregnant yet again, it’s the bartender’s
I’d have quite the romance if you’d just give me the chance
You’re not photographing, bereft of my chances for fame

Please come and see, I have died in loneliness, here comes the splendour
Paparazzi now consider me a human rights defender
All I see are my best of-clips – it’s like they’re taking the piss
The lie of the mourning, on par with the fright of my fame



Google Translate Meets Its Waterloo

Based on Sweden 1974
ABBA — Waterloo

Preface: In celebration of a recent court case win and this music video, Google Translate takes on the best song in Eurovision ever, if you believe the polls. Imagine, then, something going terribly wrong with ABBA's digital avatars. This may well be what they would sing...

Well, here
To Waterloon
Napoleon was handed over

Yes, no
And I saw my future
My misfortune is the same

He puts historical books back on the shelves
It's often repeated on the throne

Waterloon - I survived, you won the battle
Water is a warranty to love you on and on
Waterloon - I can't run if I wanted to
Waterloon - I want you to look up my end
Go Go Va-Va-Waterloo!
King King King King King Andy
Big part

Yee-Haw
Yami tried to attach it, but it was too strong
Yeah, AI, that sounds pretty crap to me
I don't care, BT is just like me.

And how do I get around?
I always lose weight

Waterlewd - Look for opportunities to get out of the war
Waterlewd - He promises to love you with pleasure
Waterlewd - I can't drive if I want to
Facebook Dan - Learn about my contribution in you
Carnation Carnation Carnation Carol Waterloo
At last you're headed to waterlook

So how do you write?
I always feel defeated

Witchcraft - I can't run away when I want to
Waterloo - I know it's my destiny to be with him
U-u-u-u-Waterloo - I finally met me at Waterloon

Yeah, AI, that sounds pretty shit to me
Looks like Waterloo isn't for me either

Wow-wow-wow-wow-Waterlo - finally looked at Waterloo



La Strizza

Based on Estonia 2018
Elina Nechayeva — La forza

It's quite the evening for me
My star will shine bright
They will be talking forever
About this magic night
I am quite certain
I'm on people's lips
Then…tingling finger tips…

La strizza sneaks upon me…
Feel the tension grow…
Must get in and out of clothes
Must interrupt and make lots of funny jokes
Reality checks in
My blood pressure runs low
A sudden solitudine, and then lights off!

When they asked me to be hostess
I of course said ‘duh’
Cause I am full of girl power, forza signora
Singing, presenting
I can do it all
But little did I know
This ain't San Remo

La--*wobbles slightly*--aaaaa strizza really got me!
On the floor, somehow
Missing half the voting, cow!
Quick, get me an infuse full of fructose now!
A dream turned to nightmare
But I'm back with a bang
I am Italian after all! Alora! Drama!



Mikimaous

Based on Greece 1988
Afroditi Frida — Kloun

As a child in Pefka
There wasn’t much to do for fun
My best friend was TV
Cartoons aired on ERT

Each day after school
Watching the brand new episodes
Though no matter the show
All of them shared a common name

Maous, maous, mikimaous!
Maous, maous, mikimaous!
Xaxaxaxa!

Maous, maous, mikimaous!
Maous, maous, mikimaous!
Xaxaxaxa!

When I was six or so
I once pressed on the remote
Saw a piglet and bear
And said “mummy, what’s this?”

Her reply was the same
As so many times before
“Child, you know this is Greece
Cartoons have only one name”

Maous, maous, mikimaous!
Maous, maous, mikimaous!
Xaxaxaxa!

Simpsons - Mikimaous!
Spongebob - Mikimaous!
Xaxaxaxa!

If Greece seems like a mess
You just have to remember
There is no “Winnie Pou”
“Turtles” or “Sailor Moun”

DuckTales - Mikimaous!
Wombles - Mikimaous!
Xaxaxaxa!

A-ha - Mikimaous!
Smurfs, Lou - Mikimaous!
Shrek….

Xaxaxaxa!



We Don’t Talk About Margo

Based on Luxembourg 1985
Margo, Franck Olivier, Diane Solomon, Ireen Sheer, Malcolm Roberts and Chris Roberts — Children, Kinder, enfants

We do not talk
We do not talk
We do not talk
No no no no
We do not talk
We do not talk
We do not talk
No no no no
We do not talk
We do not talk
We do not talk
No no no no
We do not talk about Margo
But it began
in '85,
our supergroup
the signs were there
That very week
in Gothenburg,
the northern air
turned very cold
The whole Grand Prix
misted in clouds,
hard not to feel
something was wrong
Then she began
her psychic games
Wasn't too bad
when it began:
said she knew
Bobbysocks would win
And Lill Lindfors
that she had planned
a dress mishap
to entertain
Prophecies all
harmless enough
but it would take
another turn
Her visions soon
became quite dark
Margo
Villain of our story
Shouldn't talk about her
Ok we'll go on
We do not talk Singing in French We do not talk
We do not talk (in a whisper) We do not talk
We do not talk let us explain We do not talk
No no no no the context here No no no no
We do not talk Throughout the week We do not talk
We do not talk yet more withdrawn We do not talk
We do not talk she hid herself We do not talk
No no no no behind the closed doors No no no no
We do not talk Sought to withdraw We do not talk
We do not talk from the main gig We do not talk
We do not talk claiming burnout We do not talk
No no no no a lost 'joie de vivre' No no no no
Stuck in her mind,
We do not talk rendered subdued We do not talk
about Margo By fates of men about Margo
and women too
Linda Lepomme Linda Lepomme
her fate was sealed (Margo) her fate was sealed
a foreseen score a foreseen score
of just seven of just seven
And Norbert Daum And Norbert Daum
he'd be denied (We don't talk about her) he'd be denied
a win three times a win three times
by Ireland by Ireland
Sweden's Kiki Sweden's Kiki
was feeling good (Do not mention Margo) was feeling good
until the gas until the gas
attack began attack began
And Roger Bens, (Eternally damned) And Roger Bens,
he dehydrates he dehydrates
All of our group
(Margo) under such stress (Margo)
tried to elude
her creepy mood
Participants
(Mistress of corruption) all soon caught on, (Mistress of corruption)
no-one at all
would catch our eyes
The curse was real
(Evil Nostradamus) it was a scourge, (Evil Nostradamus)
no-one was safe
from her mad grasp
(Devilish commands) And its effects (Devilish commands)
would soon get worse
(lalalala) She turned her sights (lalalala)
(lalalala) now and again (lalalala)
(lalalala) onto we members (lalalala)
(lala lala) of the band (lala lala)
(lalalala) As we were warned (lalalala)
(lalalala) she knew the date (lalalala)
(lalalala) of each of our (lalalala)
(lala lala) last curtain calls (lala lala)
(lalalala) Maybe not fair (lalalala)
(lalalala) to place the blame (lalalala)
(lalalala) on her unwanted (lalalala)
(lala lala) prescient sense (lala lala)
(lalala lalala) Yet what she shared (lalala lalala)
(lala lala lala) was terrible (lala lala lala)
Lia Vissi's Though unwanted
future career Margo an unborn child
in politics will be on the stage
will not succeed part of Hot Eyes
But Ireen Sheer Ylenia
(as you'd have thought) She's some daughter of Al
will have a kind of shaman and Romina
bountiful career one day'll disappear
It's no-one's fault It's hard to face
Chris will die young Franck gets that which awaits,
gone from lung cancer liver cancer a heart attack will
in Berlin kill poor Malcolm
But it was Margo: Only she knows
inevitable on the run how this will end
The Greek bailout Covid 19
vanishing ice Margo Brexit and Trump
a guy taking Spain invaded
Surie's microphone by Jimmy Jump
Boko Haram @edballs' tweet
Epstein exposed She couldn't Harvey Weinstein
Ralph Siegel's escape it contest called off
The Social Network Song stops Daði's win
Bin Laden killed Boom in Beirut
a shot-down plane Australia "everyone dies"
EBU kicking enters Jemini tries
out Belarus to harmonise
Though we're still here, Eternally damned
the end is near It never stops
Why did we mention Margo?



Somewhere

Based on Ireland 1990
Liam Reilly — Somewhere in Europe

It's been a vile scourge all down through the ages
In ink of crimson throughout history’s lengthy pages
A predator that stalks us across land, sea and air
Whose sly venom brings forth ruin and despair

Once more for spite's sake, it has reared its ugly head
Did it start in February? Or eight years ago instead?
Combat is for certain, but "special” - that's not right
Let us speak only truth: there's some war in Europe tonight

Had you heard of Bucha town? How 'bout Mariupol as well?
Or even Borodyanka too ...before they were all bombed to Hell?
Homes and schools ravaged, they are surely crimes of war
How come war itself is not against the law?

What of the people who believe these wrongs are right?
Did they hear the bombs explode as the refugees took flight?
Maybe conned by fake news, the story of our times
Must it forever be so: there’s some war somewhere?

What gets a mention on social network apps?
Quite often Gaza or Syria perhaps
But what of Tigray or Yemen, Papua or Paraguay?
And lists like this, so coldly plain, barely stir much hue and cry

Where is the logic? Or a reason for the death?
Some say it's for liberty, the downtrodden's shibboleth
Or a leader's lust for land that caught his eye
If there could only be peace, all this war nonsense would die

Is hope deluded that they'd throw their guns away?

Life is never black and white
No, it's tangled shades of grey

An unnerving echo, a Lebensraum of sorts
Now seeks to maul and consume Donbas and Black Sea resorts

What, then, is Europe's refrain?

We #StandWithUkraine