Based on Denmark 2002
Malene — Vis mig hvem du er

Leather black pneumatic chair
It’s my personal hell
Turn around, take a gander
Barbicide, clips, shampoo and gel
You approach my right side
You attempt to catch my eye

Please just cut my hair
Razor's in the drawer
I've got nowt to say about girls or sport
Don't show me her nudes
Can't you tell I'm femme?
Small talk makes me reach for citalopram
So cease this questionnaire

To avoid further upset
For a few kroner more
I’d email you further details
Of my somewhat concealed scalp mole
All along terrified
Your rough combing makes me cry

Please just cut my hair
Chit chat I deplore
Cut around my ear
I'll stare at the floor
Give me solitude
Move me now and then
Swiftly and we're done. I'll pay. That's the plan.
“Bro..” Please no I despair!
It’s not fair!

You still long for reply
While I sit wanting to die

(barely audible MOR music plays on the radio in the background)

Please just cut my hair (short)
Still you must take reasonable care
Feel that messy look
Gel?
No

Please just cut my hair
I don’t seek rapport
Barber capes are quiet weapons of war
Hands me some tissues
Says “cash only man”
Contactless payment - clearly not a fan
Release me from this chair

FEUD EUROVISION ON NETFLIX ESTONIA

Press release:
Tallinn
June 30th 2024

Netflix Estonia is pleased to announce FEUD EUROVISION, a new musical series where Estonian singers and actors re-enact famous Eurovision rivalries. As a teaser, we are proud to show you the lyrics for the first song of the first chapter. In that first chapter, Stig Rästa depicts Eduardo Leiva, a talentful musician and conductor of orchestra that had to deal with his worst job to that date: Conduct the orchestra in Eurovision 1987 for the Spanish entry “No estás solo” sung by an inexperienced artist called Patricia Kraus (depicted by Elina Born), who happens to be the daughter of a very famous Opera singer. This segment shows what happened when Eduardo met Patricia for the first time to the music of “Goodbye to yesterday”.

Eduardo Leiva vs Patricia Kraus: The Truth

Based on Estonia 2015
Elina Born and Stig Rästa — Goodbye to Yesterday

[Verse 1: Eduardo Leiva, alone]

I was contacted by TVE
They told me that they had a winning song this year
Sang by a stablished singer with a great voice
I put my Walkman on
The demo is playing but I can only hear noise
then I realize this is the actual song

[Chorus: Eduardo and Patricia Kraus appearing behind him]

This is the worst song I’ve ever heard
It sounds like random noise and screams
There’s no way somebody would vote for this

Just shut up and stop that crap!
It’s just that you don’t understand my art
it was highly praised by my dad
who’s a freaking big star

[Verse 2: Patricia, alone]

What’s this man talking about?
Yeah, it’s a bit risky but a solid song
that everybody will surely appreciate.

The soothing music and my voice
together with the lyrics that I wrote
will make the audience stand and applaud

[Chorus: Eduardo and Patricia]

I still think that your song is shit
I just don’t care who your father is
He won’t get you any votes unless he pays the Greeks

Why are you so mean to me?
I promise I’ll work and do my best
so let’s rehearse and try to win
to win it for Spain

You are just fooling yourself
your vocals are mediocre at best
So not even your father can save this mess
Why don’t you just do your work?
Just conduct the orchestra and forget the rest
I’ll just buy votes and try to win
to win it for Spain
to buy it for Spain
to win it for Spain

Based on Austria 1993
Tony Wegas - Maria Magdalena

I was a ballerina
In my dream last night
And that bloody tutu was so tight!

No idea why not danseur, ballerina instead
Maybe I have hidden kinks like that
We were dancing on Munich stage, Marlene felt outdone
She started to tear the flowers, screamed, dressed as nun

Cockroach or a beetle
There was something on the floor
Blonde girl in the middle stepped on
Fart bug, killer odour!

"Since I'm a ballerina..." I thought in hindsight
"...down there should be a gina" gotta check if it's right
I tried to reach my Tina, just a vain effort
It was that dream thing, you try but fall short

Then the scene changed, we're in Brussels
Viktor's announcing...
Can't see her face, earrings way too big
Song starts playing - Israel's turn, that's a fun duet
Me and three girls pull a pirouette

I twirled too fast, darn pointe was torn
My big toe popped out
Lotta Engberg gave me her shoes
She said they could float

The stage is now arena, many bulls in sight
One of them tossed my Tina, threw me up so high
Found myself in Verona, it was dark at night
Did jeté on streets till the morning light

Why was I ballerina? I don't like ballet...
Must be too much coquina, what a dream, a nightmare!
"Sweated till my Tina" - that was my first thought *cries*
It turned out I've been peeing all night looong... aaarrgh

Based on Germany 1972
Mary Roos — Nur die Liebe läßt uns leben

Few have seen me fully naked,
No man has ever seen my pride
My virginity is sacred
Piety, the faith is on my side

My father and my brother and the preacher
all said to me: "Girl, wait for Mister Right
Eventually you'll see that it is worth it
Save yourself, your husband will be hooked on it"

I was easily persuaded
After the promise they'd implied
If I remain uninvaded
I will be rewarded with a child

Thus my lust was armor-plated
Hymen intact, a pristine shine
Cultivated abstination
I would be by far the perfect bride

I waited, and I waited, and I faded
My youth went by and then my parents died
The church burned down, and as for my dear brother
He ran off with that two-faced preacher guy!

Few have seen me fully naked,
No man has ever seen my pride
My virginity was sacred
Piety, the faith was on my side

After due consideration
I found the answer on a site:
"Vaginal rejuvenation"
From then on, Saint Thomas was my guide

Now my private parts awakened
Pity, I'm 86 years old
Once a babe, but now deflated
Never mind, come on, enjoy the ride!

Based on Croatia 1999
Doris Dragović — Marija Magdalena

*Frantic pelvic thrusting to the pounding beat*

It's been a quarter-day since my last screw
I need to shag a man, yeah, I think you'll do
Get in my bed, I'll give you head
Just get in there boy, I'll use prostate toys...NOW!!!

Incessant copulator
*Orgasm*
Seeks carnal stimulator
*Orgasm*
Not horny? See ya later!
*Extended orgasm*

Prowl the local school
Spot a teacher
He is a hunky guy
Grrrrr-rrrr! What a creature!
With him I score, sprawled on all fours
In the dining hall, I drain both his balls DRY

This bulge investigator
*Orgasm*
Is coming to inspect ya
*Orgasm*
The bigger schlong, the better
*Extended orgasm*

Some folks ask me:
"First E.S.C.?"
It was fun, I won
Fud Leclerc was hung
YUM!

I've worn out my vibrators
*Orgasm*
So MB moderators
*Orgasm*
I'm gonna come and get ya
*BIGGEST ORGASM OF THEM ALL*

Based on Malta 1996
Miriam Christine - In a Woman's Heart (live version)

I left Gozo, with a ticket in hand
My destination: a costly northern land
Compensating for the bills this entails
Norway's provided free healthcare as well

An optometrist, providing his service
Free of charge for all, and ready to see us now

Read the Snellen chart, he'll tell you your fate, right away
Read the Snellen chart, see to your renal welfare
Form a patient queue, hie methods are quite state of art
All you have to do, is read from the Snellen chart

First up Cyprus: Constantinos' corneas
Show some divergence, Monovision is clear
Antonio, take a look what he sees
¡Eye, maldicion! His 'ojos' are weak :(

I can feel my sweat, as the queue it dwindles
Next one through his door, is Marianna from Greece

"Emmetropia": a spring in her step, walks away
'Lazy eye' Moniz, it's confirmed "Myopia"
Anna 'Sjúbídú', only reached line four on the chart
Ms. Andreasson's "astigmatism" hits hard

And now there's just two left
(nearly her moment)
hmmm one of them won't take lo-ong
First Amila: "glaucoma"
Austrian George: "get out, you're blind"
Now my turnnnnnnnnn

A
E A

U U

R U O A N
M N R

N A M N R
A D S 4 F F E J
J J J J A A U O
(onto the next part)
S I W
I O P 1 R 4 A R
F E O M N
R A N A M N R
(read the snellen chart)
R R

MN - and done!
(read the whole damn chart)
Snellen Chart!

Based on Malta 1996
Miriam Christine - In a Woman's Heart (live version)

I left Gozo, with a ticket in hand
My destination: a costly northern land
Compensating for the bills this entails
Norway's provided free healthcare as well

An optometrist, providing his service
Free of charge for all, and ready to see us now

Read the Snellen chart, he'll tell you your fate, right away
Read the Snellen chart, see to your renal welfare
Form a patient queue, hie methods are quite state of art
All you have to do, is read from the Snellen chart

First up Cyprus: Constantinos' corneas
Show some divergence, Monovision is clear
Antonio, take a look what he sees
¡Eye, maldicion! His 'ojos' are weak :(

I can feel my sweat, as the queue it dwindles
Next one through his door, is Marianna from Greece

"Emmetropia": a spring in her step, walks away
'Lazy eye' Moniz, it's confirmed "Myopia"
Anna 'Sjúbídú', only reached line four on the chart
Ms. Andreasson's "astigmatism" hits hard

And now there's just two left
(nearly her moment)
hmmm one of them won't take lo-ong
First Amila: "glaucoma"
Austrian George: "get out, you're blind"
Now my turnnnnnnnnn

- and done!
(read the whole damn chart)
Snellen Chart!

Based on Croatia 2003
Claudia Beni — Više nisam tvoja

Ah, ah
What all us Croatians want,
is the victory.
Many years already passed since 1993.
I grant you this, we did not have always
top notch singers -true dis- some were horrible!
But when all hope was lost into this,
a Rijekan with bleached hair, almost prevailed!

Second place dysphoria, feels like melancholia
Let 3 dressed in dark košuljica.
Now there is no need for Zagreb renovations,
we will head to Switzerland.
Forgot their capital!

And what bothers me the most,
(Act as if you care)
is that in the 1990’s Croats should have won.
Then you know who they debut into this,
with a ballad -foolish- win’s not possible!
Then the votes come and they get trophies,
and instead of screaming no, we say bravo!
Oh Oh

Second place dysphoria gives me paranoia
rim tim tagi dim is voljena.
Super hard to get one better – just forget it!
We will end up like Malta ah ah
our old buddy Malta ❤️

What bums me out is that people voted
for Croatian beauties, not winner Nemo.
And I know we’re less hit and more miss,
gives me migraine, vertigo- oh oh!

(Tony, Mia, Nina, Let 3, Severina)
(Maja Blagdan, Magazin and Lidija)
(Claudia Beni, Vanna, Boris, Doris, Daria)
(Vesna, Goran, Daniela)

Lost in nostalgija, I recall Emilija
the lead singer of the Riva band.
Ah Ah
They rocked Yugoslavia, gave us the Pobeda!
But they were Croatian, they gave us gloria!
Ah Ah
So no dysphoria.

Very small Croatian to English dictionary (act as if you care):
Košuljica: (in context) A ladylike blouse
Voljena: Beloved
Pobeda: Victory

Based on Estonia 2003
Ruffus — Eighties Coming Back

The new blinds are coming
And we’ve paid for the electric stove
The steam mop and the steel garden bin, oh what bliss

Aha, you thought I’d forgotten
Yeah, the promise once we had it all
You can trust I won’t get carried away now
Feeling calm, so…

I promise I will only bring back the one cat
A microchipped, spayed, or neutered one at that
You can even keep the engine running, for the cunning, gentle, stunning feline coming back

Aw yeah!

[Alongside meows]
I just can’t do it
So many gingers, blacks, and whites
And the sweet tabby kitten I can’t leave out
Awwwww…

Then there’s the mother of that fluffy little guy
I can see she’s only got one eye
She needs my help – I’ll take them all, they need a loving home tonight

My God!
Now we’ve just adopted eighty-seven cats
How does one look after eighty-seven cats?!
Now we must invoke the deities
There’s no space to keep all of these bloomin’ crazy rescue cats!

Meeeeewwwww!

Yeah, now the tap won’t stop running
I can’t cook with any type of fish
And every single cat wants fresh air when I open any door to go for a break somewhere outside

Though I really like these eighty-seven cats
(Oh, I do really like these cats)
I can’t deal with the constant stream of dead rats
(You know they’re always bringing rats back)

The solution to this great big problem
(I don’t think we can come back)
Is to give up our house to the
(Mad cat lady’s)
Eighty-seven cats!

Based on Portugal 2023
Mimicat — Ai coração

[Miss Mimicat Returns to Finest Bakery, Liverpool, one year on]

My currant bun – well, now, there’s something quite wrong
In a dash, I bought one - never noticed the pong
Which would have made for a gargantuan NO
But there’s much more that did taint your ‘fine’ dough

Instead of sugar, salt was used and there’s more
When it comes to currants, should be far more than four
And if you think this is some kind of deceit
Here’s my completely preserved receipt

Don’t they say that the customer is always right?
Why not admit your sorry mishap, you gobshite
So you can understand just how I feel:

My currant bun, my currant bun
Really was not good

[Kerfuffle in the queue as they try to jostle past]
[but Mimicat will not be moved]

S’pose you all think that I am out of my mind
Or class my palate as not being refined

But I had even asked of my mother dear
It ain’t just me or does this taste rather queer?

“Oh, daughter! What is this odd British bread?
Cause when I licked it, I thought you wanted me dead
What’s more, it feels like two herds of demon cows
And an echidna have crapped in my mouth”

So I tell you that customers, they are always right
Did you not see our post we sent to your website?
You must by now realise how I feel:

My currant bun, my currant bun, my currant bun
Did, in fact, taste ewwwwwwwwwww

[Mimicat strums her fingers on the counter in complete silence]

[The music you’re hearing is entirely in her head]

This can’t be right I’ll call the cops and your M.P.
Take it higher, I’m not some knucklehead, you’ll see
The Ambassador knows me by name--

What’s that you say?

You will replace my current bun!?!

Oh, well, that’s fine

I’m not one to complain

Yay!