My Current Bun

Based on Portugal 2023
Mimicat — Ai coração

[Miss Mimicat Returns to Finest Bakery, Liverpool, one year on]

My currant bun – well, now, there’s something quite wrong
In a dash, I bought one - never noticed the pong
Which would have made for a gargantuan NO
But there’s much more that did taint your ‘fine’ dough

Instead of sugar, salt was used and there’s more
When it comes to currants, should be far more than four
And if you think this is some kind of deceit
Here’s my completely preserved receipt

Don’t they say that the customer is always right?
Why not admit your sorry mishap, you gobshite
So you can understand just how I feel:

My currant bun, my currant bun
Really was not good

[Kerfuffle in the queue as they try to jostle past]
[but Mimicat will not be moved]

S’pose you all think that I am out of my mind
Or class my palate as not being refined

But I had even asked of my mother dear
It ain’t just me or does this taste rather queer?

“Oh, daughter! What is this odd British bread?
Cause when I licked it, I thought you wanted me dead
What’s more, it feels like two herds of demon cows
And an echidna have crapped in my mouth”

So I tell you that customers, they are always right
Did you not see our post we sent to your website?
You must by now realise how I feel:

My currant bun, my currant bun, my currant bun
Did, in fact, taste ewwwwwwwwwww

[Mimicat strums her fingers on the counter in complete silence]

[The music you’re hearing is entirely in her head]

This can’t be right I’ll call the cops and your M.P.
Take it higher, I’m not some knucklehead, you’ll see
The Ambassador knows me by name--

What’s that you say?

You will replace my current bun!?!

Oh, well, that’s fine

I’m not one to complain