Based on Sweden 2019
John Lundvik — Too Late for Love

When will we know?
All the news about our favourite show
When’s EIC?
I want to do that and do LEP

What about Amsterdam
Calling
What about Rotterdam?
I need to save
What about Madrid too?
I just want to know
Tell me

I want to see all the brand new acts
And maybe next year there will be a real climax
It is going to be a real party
So I will be there
Let me be there
Party

I’ll work all the hours I can get
(Oh, where’s all the hotel deals?)
(Where’s all the flight deals?)
Tell me
Will someone share an air BnB?

Days come and go
And I’m still missing my fav-our-ite show
And it’s left a space
Where Eurovision is just cyberspace

Can next year hurry up
Please
I’m fed up of reprise
I just now see

I know now that we will never know
If maybe Iceland would have stolen this year’s show
Or maybe The Roop would have the crown
There would not be frowns
A fab showdown
Party

Rotterdam was never meant to be
Oh, we will be back next year
I really shouldn’t fear
Help me
I voted in thousands of fan polls
(I, just want to televote)
(For my fav-our-ite show)

This could be the latest P.E.D.
Co-ro-na, why did you take the contest from me?

Next year we will go do everything
And it will be the biggest party you have seen
And whilst I sit here counting down days
It is on season
Always on season
Always

Give me all the rumours you can find
(Oh, I need to spend my time)
This same ol’ paradigm (I need to spend my time)
And I’ll say this all again
Next year!

Based on Norway 2007
Guri Schanke — Ven a bailar conmigo

I was in France, on a retreat, a cottage on the Rhine
Me, and my two children
Enjoying youth, soaking the heat, relaxing at the lake
It almost felt like a fresh start
Since my marriage fell apart
Didn't know, that bad news was soon due

Oh a bad man took my children
He stole them in the night
Their breakfast seats, eerily, sat empty
A bad man took my children
What for I cannot say
I checked their sheets, didn't see, their little feet
A bad man took my children!

Though lacking proof, I called the cops, told them of my plight
My worry they could be harmed
Gathered the guys, went by the book, sent a search party
They tore the village all apart
And the locals all took part
In the hunt, for the disappeared two

Oh a bad man took my children
I wish I wasn't right
Just why did he, feel the need, to hurt me
A bad man took my children
Police suspect foul play
They want to meet, with a brief, to talk to me
A bad man took my children

"Ma'am we have found your children
It's bad!"
<overdramatic grief noise>

Oh a bad man stole my children
And chopped them into bits
The search retrieved, their bodies, piece by piece
He kept their small intestines
A trophy to his crime
Brutality, so ghastly, they've never seen

Least now I have my freedom
And even have a date
It's with the chief of police, tomorrow eve
He's best to keep close to me, because you see

I paid the man to kill them!

Based on Belgium 1964
Robert Cogoi — Près de ma rivière

Freedom from my prison
Of a small round bowl
I’ll cross every ocean
Swim free as the sole

Twirl through hidden trenches
Bounce off coral reefs
Leap high with the salmon
Drink the seven seas

Flakes will not drift from above
Who would care now if I starve?
Seas will be stirred up by storms
But I am reborn

Glide through the warm Volta
Skate round the North Pole
Surf waves with the haddock
Now the world’s my bowl

Won at a fairground
Life trapped in a gaol
But now, no more glass surround
Just sea I inhale

Freedom leaves me breathless
Salt’s taking a toll
There’ll be no adventures
How I miss my bowl

Based on Israel 1998
Dana International — Diva

Style on point and perfect make-up skills
Wigs galore, lip-syncs that thrill
One more phase, before you take the stage
Find your brand, it's not that evident

Generating drag names on a website
Every result borderline horse shite
Please Google, save us all

Karen From Finance, Harlett O'Scara, Ana Conda
Midwinter Berries, Lucia Willickya, Kween Latifah

Such a quest, which name will suit you best?
Pick something that's worth remembering

There's so much choice, what's your inspiration?
A deceased pet, a metro station?
Outer space? Important place?

Ana Phalectic, Ivana Humpya, Toxic Tina
Zizi O'Plenty, Charity K. Mart, Coy Cruella
Kiki Caliente, Penny Palooza, Miss Agnetha
Felicia Faux-Fur, Ivy Iwana, Lady Frida

TikTok, Twitter, Insta… handle!

Go for Ornacia, maybe Lactasia, or Orgazma
Why not A Man Dah, Coco Coachella, or Fantazma
Bon Qui Qui Goodnight, Bernadette Brightlight, or Flaminga
Peaches Von Peacock, Brianna Toast or… DIVA!

Based on Norway 2018
Alexander Rybak — That's How You Write a Song

If you bought an Echo™
Here’s a great idea:
Get queries answered
Make sure to speak clear
Just ask, then write it down
It won’t take very long
Just say, Alexa…
...please parody this song

You’ll hear a low ding
The blue ring will get lit
Gotta mind your diction
Or else she’ll misconstrue
(You know that’s Yami’s secret
for winning ALC)
Yes, ask your gadget
But say it quite clearly

[Alexa]:
“Step One: Prepare to hit
the tiny little ball
Step Two: Now you hit it
That’s how you play ping pong”

[Under-the-breath-cursing-of-stupid-so-called-smart-speaker]

Dang!
Shit she didn’t get it (“Shitzus are a dog breed”)
Misheard what I said (“All your bills are paid”)
She got it wrong (“Volume on”)
Alexa, I SAID A SONG!

She never understands you (“Searching ‘Cats’ on YouTube”)
Sounding oh-so-snooty! (“Playing songs by Snoopy”)
I hate her tone! (“Calling Tom”)
FOR FUCK’S SAKE ALEXA, S-O-N-G!!

“Step One: You pound on it
Exactly like a drum
Step Two: Stop hitting it
That’s how you play a gong”

“Step One: You purchase it
Or rent it via Prime
Step Two: You click on it
That’s how you watch King Kong”

[Interlude-to-write-an-angry-letter-to-Jeff-Bezos]

“Step One: You bludgeon it
And pluck its feathers out
Step Two: You spatchcock it
That’s how you roast a swan”

“Step One: You find a geek
And threaten him with harm
Step Two: Repeat his speech
And that’s how you learn Klingon”

“Step One: Prepare a treat
And put it on a string
Step Two: You grab his feet
That’s how you trap Ken Jeong”

So how can I right this wrong?

“Now purchasing Google Home”

Based on Ireland 1985
Maria Christian — Wait Until the Weekend Comes

As a young girl mum told once
To get tip for every kiss
"Life isn't cheap"
She said and smiled

At the school, most of the boys
Were in queue for little shows
That made me proud, as "Motor Lou"

Pay me now
Not after cooling the rocks
I can't bang for free, it sucks
Yet I'm so picky

Don't ask why
Mind you, nothing comes for free
Vaginismus would kill me
Unless I get paid

During college, rates were high
That is how I could keep up
Weirdos paid well, and groups a few

Don't get high
Never did for free, how crass
Words of compassion won't pass
Although they're so nice

Call him now
Tell your brother to hurry
And get the cash here by three
I don't have all day

Wait until the money comes
Don't do that, gives me the hots
Kisses, caress.. What's going on?

Shit! How come no alert *there* anymore?
Soon it's your turn to pay, you dumb whore!

Based on Denmark 1964
Bjørn Tidmand — Sangen om dig

Lotte Wæver: ‘Bjørn Tidmand!’

Do you know why she introduced me
With her grim glare? If only you knew how!
But you’ll be never able to see
How she did it

We had a fling, but not an affair
She tried to pull me into her dark web
She was so mean and gave me that glare
Then threw a fit

Told me her monologue
How I was just like all the other men
Even called me a dog
And warned me: ‘Dude, I’ll hit back when I can!’

Before showtime, she walked up to me
To rub some salt in the wound and grill me
She smiled and told me I’d disappear
She said: ‘Bye, if you tell, I will kill you!’

I didn’t know for a long time
What she had planned in her hut
Would she boycott the home entry
Or have the live broadcast cut?

All night long I felt degraded
Anxious for what laid in store
After the credits had faded
She had done nothing wrong, lying whore!

The years went by, I thought I was free
She took a match, and then a decision
In the archives of DR TV
She said: ‘Bye, ’64 Eurovision!’

Based on Austria 1984
Anita — Einfach weg

It's a ghastly sight
I've this morning found
AVROTROS
Burning hot, full of blood, his urine brown
I'm sorry my dear
You'll just have to die
Though I should save your life, I must disappoint
This is why:

I find vets really costly, pretentious and hard to withstand
I find vets failing students who won't get a med school grant
I find vets just as well to be groomers in dog fur salons
I find vets to know zilch about hamsters, or peregrine falcons

Rattish animals
"Oh-oh-oh-oh no..."
Such as vole and mouse
"Ro-o-o-o-dents…"
Have lifespan maximal
"Oh-oh-oh-oh no…"
Of three years, thereabouts
"Oh-no-no, it's twelve…"

Your cage can be used
For my next new pet
And your wheel
London Eye complementing my lego set
I'll build you a shrine
"Avro, bravely died"
While you gag on your puke, you should know that I meant
To retain your life

I find vets having caustic-like smell, like they lived in a pond
I find vets all that's wrong in this country, and far beyond

Rather stay inside
"Oh-oh-oh-oh no…"
And save thirty Pounds
"Oh-no-no, just ten…"
It's sad, but I've my pride
"Oh-oh-oh-oh no…"
It's just a stinking mouse
"Ha-a-a-amster…"

I find vets big, revolting old shams, although I think
I find vets often rich, and I'm single, so I'll give in
I'll find vets in the yellow page guide, give them a ring
I find Vets between Vehicle Licence and Violins

Based on Germany 1961
Lale Andersen — Einmal sehen wir uns wieder

(Aaaahhh…)
(Aaaahhh…)

Touching eyeballs with my fingers
That’s my greatest joy in life
How I love the sense that lingers
When I softly stroke an eye

On the bus or at the grocer’s
As I feel the urge arise
Then I turn to my side
See that stranger’s surprise
When I poke them in the eye

When I was a young girl
Then my life was drab
I was mostly feeling blue

But one day when I
Saw my teacher cry
I knew just what to do

Now I’m older and wise
But when I see such eyes

Then I lick my left thumb
And reach in up close
To caress that retina

Touching eyeballs with my fingers
Mmmmmmmmm….

All my friends and all my neighbours
Now wear shades most of the time
You should give it a try
Grab a friend by your side
Gently stroke them in the eye

(Right in their eye)

Based on Norway 2019
KEiiNO — Spirit in the Sky

Come, let’s play
Think of a movie you like,
say, Die Hard or Ghost
Then pick a singer you’d swap in a role
It wastes some time, let’s play

Superman is easy, that’s Kølig Kaj
He’d save your life but can’t handle kryptonite
and Paula Seling, she would fit well in
Amélie, with Ovi

In Julie Christie’s role in Don’t Look Now
is Irene Sheer
(please don’t imagine that sex scene)

Jamala types and types and types,
when she stars in The Shining,
“Crimea is Ukraine?”
Pastora Soler is a nun
She sings The Sound of Music
with lonely goatherds
I wish Carlos Paião were alive
He’d make the perfect James Bond
in Thunderball or
Spectre or Skyfall

I’d totally watch all these movies!
Back to our game:

Robert De Niro for Stefan Raab
in Meet The Fockers, well that would make me laugh
and screaming “Freedom”
is not Mel Gibson,
but Reynaert in Braveheart

Stefán & Eyfi wore the masks in Scream
They killed and schemed
(I should have mentioned - spoilers here)

The Toppers will give you a fright
when all their parts are showing
in The Full Monty
Alla Pugacheva really flies
because she’s Mary Poppins
Has vodka handy
The perfect nanny

Toto’s the Joker and Kikki is E.T.
and Mary Spiteri’s the Nightmare on Elm Street
and Anne-Marie David’s Bo Peep in Toy Story
Her sheep are Aska put out to pasture

Stjórnin are found when they’re Nemo and Dory
In Avatar you can watch Ambasadori
and Mean Girls are meaner with Deen and Polina
and Kalomira and Valentina

Alf Poier’s trousers are too tight
in Grease as Danny Zuko,
he’s John Travolta
Surely in The Silence of the Lambs
in Doctor Lecter’s role is
Who else? Carola
She’ll eat your face off

Argh!
(nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom)
How very tasteful

I hope this game gave you a smile,
it’s really quite distracting
Just time for one more:
Serhat as Darth Maul.