Based on Norway 2018
Alexander Rybak — That's How You Write a Song
If you bought an Echo™
Here’s a great idea:
Get queries answered
Make sure to speak clear
Just ask, then write it down
It won’t take very long
Just say, Alexa…
...please parody this song
You’ll hear a low ding
The blue ring will get lit
Gotta mind your diction
Or else she’ll misconstrue
(You know that’s Yami’s secret
for winning ALC)
Yes, ask your gadget
But say it quite clearly
[Alexa]:
“Step One: Prepare to hit
the tiny little ball
Step Two: Now you hit it
That’s how you play ping pong”
[Under-the-breath-cursing-of-stupid-so-called-smart-speaker]
Dang!
Shit she didn’t get it (“Shitzus are a dog breed”)
Misheard what I said (“All your bills are paid”)
She got it wrong (“Volume on”)
Alexa, I SAID A SONG!
She never understands you (“Searching ‘Cats’ on YouTube”)
Sounding oh-so-snooty! (“Playing songs by Snoopy”)
I hate her tone! (“Calling Tom”)
FOR FUCK’S SAKE ALEXA, S-O-N-G!!
“Step One: You pound on it
Exactly like a drum
Step Two: Stop hitting it
That’s how you play a gong”
“Step One: You purchase it
Or rent it via Prime
Step Two: You click on it
That’s how you watch King Kong”
[Interlude-to-write-an-angry-letter-to-Jeff-Bezos]
“Step One: You bludgeon it
And pluck its feathers out
Step Two: You spatchcock it
That’s how you roast a swan”
“Step One: You find a geek
And threaten him with harm
Step Two: Repeat his speech
And that’s how you learn Klingon”
“Step One: Prepare a treat
And put it on a string
Step Two: You grab his feet
That’s how you trap Ken Jeong”
So how can I right this wrong?
“Now purchasing Google Home”