Based on Ukraine 2007
Verka Serduchka — Dancing Lasha Tumbai

Hello everybody!
My name is Sopho Sophshvili
You Georgian want to learn?!
I will teach!

Squiggle squiggle funny curl
Squiggle squiggle line line
Squiggle squiggle manic whirl
Line, sign, twine

Squiggle squiggle twisted curve
Squiggle squiggle fine line
Squiggle squiggle tangled swerve
Then line, sign, twine

Write it!

So easy, huh?
(Oh-oh oh-oh)

Squiggle squiggle drunken snake
Squiggle squiggle twined vine
Squiggle wiggle phallic shape
Entwined vine, line

Squiggle squiggle drunken snake
Scribble scribble line line
Squiggle squiggle shake and bake
Then line, sign, twine

Write it!

How much letters we got?
No no no
Thirty-three!

This one is called ani ა
This one is called bani ბ
This one is called ghani ღ
This one looks like… ჯ
A flower?

Now try to say: Q’vaviloba 🌺
Now try to say: Mzesumzira 🌻
Now try to say: Tskhvris para 🐑
Our alphabet’s…
Ancient!

La-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la

Your dad is called mama
Your mum is called deda
Your sister’s called just da
This bird is called…

Plamingo 🦩

Now try to say: Gvprtskvni 🍌
Now try to say: Mtsvrtneli 🏋🏽
Now try to say: Gvbrdghvni 📆
Now learn to say…

Tsek’va! 💃🏽

Students, students
Listen now
Gather round

Are you ready for next step?
(Hmm, no?)
Now we move on to the next step!
(Wait, no!)

GEORGIAN GIRLS' NAMES!

Ma-ma-maryam!
Ma-ma-ma-ma-maryam!
Ma-ma-maryam!
Ma-ma-ma-ma-maryam!

Ma-ma-maryam!
Ma-ma-ma-ma-maryam!
Ma-ma-maryam!
Ma-ma-ma-ma-maryam!

Ma-ma-maryam!
Ma-ma-ma-ma-maryam!
Ma-ma-maryam!
Ma-ma-ma-ma-maryam!

Ma-ma-maryam!
Ma-ma-ma-ma-maryam!
Ma-ma-maryam!
Ma-ma-ma-ma-maryam!

OK, graduate

Based on Malta 1972
Helen and Joseph — L-imħabba

If we should deem you as non-synthetic
You may submit this form with success
But first you have to tick off this CAPTCHA
You'll be through in five seconds or less

"I'm not a bot"? That's not sufficient
Do you just take the piss? Bots would for sure say this!
But we could tell you're no impostor
If you can answer this test, for biological brains:

To start, just type in these scrambled letters
(it's Assamese script, green over lime)
Look at this car park, touch every square that
Contains cars made in May '89

Machine techniques are changing so swiftly
We must succeed at beating their game
This test deceives their main algorithm
And helps us clamp down on their false claims

Next picture: Which PM is missing?
(our new hypothesis: bots suck at politics)
Now count the birds you see on Rockall
(leave out all puffins and cranes, or bits that Norway still claims)

Two thousand ninety-one altogether?
Impressively, that's perfectly right!
So right, in fact, that now we're uncertain
Forget that! Next up, aural exam:

🔊🔊🔊

This instrumental you've just listened
Has trumpets in the mix. But were there two or six?
What did they say in that faint vocal?
What was the instrument range? And can you find the key change?

We're still not satisfied you're biotic
But there's still one way we'd be convinced:
Simply upload a selfie, then our bots
Use recognition* to let you in!

(*works only if you're male, white and cis)

Based on Azerbaijan 2013
Farid Mammadov — Hold Me

Should have been suspicious when I saw it 🧐
Should have had the sense that I’d got something wrong ❌
It was looking greener than expected 🟢
No text on the page 📄
Just basil and sage 🍃

An innocent typo ⌨️
My finger slipped and when I looked around 👀
My writing aid was nowhere to be found 😕
I searched for some verbs 🔎
I only got herbs 🪴

ThymeZone 🌿
It’s not RhymeZone 🚫
No lyric hints – only parsley and mint ⁉️

My, how it beguiled, though 🥰
So I crafted some songs 🎶
With a plant lexicon 📖
Called ThymeZone 🌿

“Dill-e que la quiero”? Could be better 🤔
“One Step Out Of Thyme” felt to me rather obvious 🤷‍♀️
“Fennel en aarde”? An improvement 💪
“Celery est cadeau” 😊
“Better The Chervil You Know” 🤩

ThymeZone 🌿
Left my mind blown 🤯
Made every line aromatic, divine 🥗

“Djambo Oregano” 🎋
“Only Lovage Survives” 🌳
“Get A Life – Get A Chive” 🌱

But soon I couldn’t stop the puns 🤡
Compulsion grew, my mind was gone 🤪
“Tarragon är en annan dag” …oh no 😬

“Ime cilantropos ki ego” 😒
“Bay After Bay”, “Mintention”, “Grow” 😵
“Je vais me marier, Marjoram” 🥴
“Rosemary Ann” 😱

ThymeZone 🌿
That one typo 💻
Destroyed my soul 💔
Made me lose all control 🎮

ThymeZone 🌿
Sent me psycho 🤬
Shot a mall up with rage 🔫
Landed on the front page 📰

Of CrimeZone 👮🚨

Based on Greece 1998
Thalassa — Mia krifi evesthisia

Germany has not qualified
Not among the twenty-two
Leon’s long-play cassette tape
Thrown away. Did not meet juries’
Expectations. Now he’s been shunned

Four points short. What were they thinking putting Sveta Ljubav through?
‘Her voice soared’ – Are you kidding me? It plateaued. Musically: pooh!
Contemptible. Despicable

Fortuna was cast aside for Sjúbídú
Thought Kun med dig was good? Experts said no. Preferred Del Bo
Dan Ar Braz brought nasty sounding Celtic flutes
Somehow that one got through
But not Shalom Olam

Germany has not qualified
Nor our Anghel, Monica
TV ratings now will collapse
It’s a fact. Grup Sincron
Was a big draw. Now the show’s flawed

Kým nás máš? That poxy bland mid-tempo tune?
Viewers won’t be enthused, although his coat deserves a vote
Samo Ti. Cute jazzy song crashed out too soon
(Met with joy in Corfu)
Hard luck. Not in the show

Ya eto ya
Unworthy of the EBU
Litigation ensues
Prelims by audio shall be scrapped

Based on Ukraine 2020
Go_A — Solovey

Twenty twenty-two, Torino
TikTok Jesus, Spain in SloMo
Mika, Laura, Hold me closer*

*That’s the way to do green screen

Konstrakta not health-insured
Expert-jury-voter-fraud
Wolves, bananas, heaps of fun
Motor failure, static sun

Juries send the SPACE MAN far
Televotes: “STEFANIA!”
Touching solidarity
With the global refugee

Hosting will be controversial
Present outlook dodgy-as-hell
Not the time for losing morale
Wait for Mister Österdahl...

E.S.C. Twenty-three:
Kyiv you’re not good to go
Whilst we all stand with the cause
Don’t fancy a conflict zone
Now plan B… B.B.C.?
“SLAVA UKRAINI!”
Brits are well-known for fair play
We’re sure they’ll be supportive

*****

How to pack for British weather?
Glasgow, Belfast, Fuck-where-chester
Cardiff, London, Liverpool
Not too fussed, we like them all
Who knows what will be next year?
Fuck it, I could kill a beer
Need a bed and need a bar
All I know, we’ve come far…

This place isn’t Heathrow

Who are all these people?

“WELCOME TO KIGALI”??!!

It’s okay, it’s U.K.
Well, not quite, but thereabouts
Whilst we all stand with the cause
Maybe you’re not white enough
Some get praised on our stage
While you get deported
Local press is less than free
Your plight won’t be reported
Castaway cast away
Who decides what’s ethical?
Loyal to our heritage
Trading human cargo
Flight’s one-way, here you’ll stay
Your new life is sorted
Kind regards from the U.K.

Humanity exported

Based on Iceland 1999
Selma — All Out of Luck

It started on Sunday
But not just that one day
Unfortunate series of events had all gone before, yeah

I was at a spa date
That regular Sunday
Held open the door for this low-life
He didn’t say thanks
You’ll all regret it

Yes, I know, it might not be too clever
To give this guy all of the blame
A camel’s back will break at some point
And this was the final straw, yeah!

I’m all out of fucks
This is me giving up
I’m now letting go of civil obedience
Running amok
And running around
I’ll teach them, oh
I’ll get them back

Yes, I’m all out of fucks
It will all go balls-up
I might put things on the wrong shelf
So don’t whine
Things won’t align
And the shop will be in a right state

‘Cause I’m all out of fucks (ooh-ooh)
I’m all out of fucks
Hey yeah, hey yeah, oh yeah

Pretending to be gay
Go home but the wrong way
To hide all the ashtrays, be a mime
Just sniffing some glue, yeah

I’ll board on the wrong flight
Ask for only the egg white
I’ll sing in a flashlight and sing wrong
While I drive a go-kart, yeah!

I’m all out of fucks
I’ll go swimming with ducks
I’ll say I’m named Joe
The next time it’s Bethany

Pee in a cup
Dress up like a clown
I will eat my kite
Like a snack

Yes, I’m all out of fucks
Coffee from a teacup
Roll up the one sleeve
And one not

It’s a sign
End of the line
Be nice to me
But now it’s too late

And I’m all out of fucks (ooh-ooh)
I’m all out of fucks
Hey yeah, hey yeah, oh yeah
Ooh-ooh
I’m all out of fucks
Hey yeah, hey yeah, oh yeah

Based on Moldova 2022
Zdob și Zdub and Frații Advahov — Trenulețul

Hey ho! Let’s go
Hey ho! Let’s go
Explore and lose control
Free your brain, we present
ESC: the Multiverse

Every action sparks another
Creating a microcosm
Within: each world continues
Parallel yet kept apart

Something lately, something new
Harmed the order, melted glue
Once apart, the worlds collided
And they fused through the borders

OK, let's go
Our tour through the wormhole
Come with us and be our guest
We'll traverse the multiverse

On this planet, jury voting
Was corrupt, but still allowed
Singing penis 'stead of pussy
Citi Zēni made the final

On their stage, the sun turned round
Sasha Bognibov beat us
Mia sang half in Bahasa
And Sam Ryder worked for NASA

Uh-oh let's go!
On to another world
Malta didn't change their dirge
But still came in 16th place

Singing Halo
Pia hit most her notes
Keith and Jim were then unmasked
As members of Bobbysocks!

(Stella was the astronaut)

Poor Elina Nechayeva's
Fall on stage induced a coma
Iceland sent Reykjavíkdætur
Denmark med de hårde drenge

Em'ly Roberts, singing Soap
Learnt the words before the show
And Konstrakta (biti zdrava)
Asked us why Harry's ginger

Oh no! SloMo
Scandal in Benidorm
Even though Chanel was best
She lost to the giant breast

Goodbye Disko
Outscored by BQL
Poland toned down their attempt
Only used nineteen effects

(Hozier was quite impressed)

Don't tell Harrow
Surprise in Solna-hall
Anders Bagge left depressed
Linda Bengtzing won Melfest

Say it ain't so
This one's unusual
Every country somehow sent
Sara Deop as entrant

On to unknown
So rare this one-off world
Hola mi bébébé
Isn't stuck in any heads

San Marino
Turns out they ripped the hole
Caused this whole multi-mess
Through the size of their NF

Each place we go
One thing won't change at all
That Ukraine beat the rest

Based on Luxembourg 1979
Jeane Manson — J'ai déjà vu ça dans tes yeux

I ought to ask if you’ve wondered
why a certain Greek’s such a snoop:
Those crucial questions that he asks you
mean DEja vu knows your passwords.

Praise where it’s due: none the wiser
you just carry on unperturbed.
In the dark, you just let him charge you
’cause DEja vu knows your passwords.

Your passwords are fucked.
He’s cribbed them all from the MB.
Could be you’re in luck:
He hasn’t diddled you for all that much, but you see…

Those casual questions aren’t random:
They’re designed to bag a key phrase.
Just take a look through your bank statements
and I can promise you’ll have paid.

[Go on, check. I’ll wait.]

[Go on.]

An iced coffee in Vienna;
nothing to alarm or alert.
But go and ask your bank – they’ll tell you:
Yes, DEja vu knows your passwords.

I know it seems ‘what the EFF?!?!!’
since it’s Marios this concerns.
Just make sure you blank further questions
and that you change all your passwords.
The sooner, the better.

You’d better.

’Cause he knows.

Based on France 1993
Patrick Fiori — Mama Corsica

Locals humble, not ones to brag
But scream and lose their rag
When their artists drop the flag
Macedonia

Most people fly into Skopje
Plenty to do (unless you’re gay)
Macedonia

Formed on the banks of the Vardar
Paying by cash? Use the dinar
Macedonia

Takes just a day to drive right through
Lake Prespa offers pleasant views
Think this sounds lovely? There are flaws

Macedonia
“The former Yugoslav Republic”, Greeks say
Macedonia
And home to an Albanian minority
Macedonia
It borders a state that’s not recognised by Spain
Macedonia
When Tito died they left without force, but didn’t do great

Honestly Bitola’s quite bland
Small town surrounded by farmland
Macedonia

Arrival by land underwhelms
Tetovo bus halt - gate to hell
Macedonia

Had a bad start to ESC
26^th place with Samo Ti
Macedonia

Cultural sights considered dross
“Ohrid Lake? Couldn’t give a toss!”
So say informed folks in Kos

Macedonia
The toilets at Sveti Naum border post stink
Macedonia
And emblems deemed to be offensively Hellenistic
Macedonia
Some folks insist they are Bulgarian (in Plovdiv)
Macedonia
No sea access – they’re landlocked of course. A naval lightweight

Rebrand should be sought
Why not start with ‘North’?

Based on Ireland 1993
Niamh Kavanagh — In Your Eyes

Boeing’s now in motion
I’m seated, locked inside
Should’ve stayed in Ireland
But I hate the countryside
The safety card confounds me
Bad feelings start to grow
But now they’ve locked the cabin doors
We’re gonna go airborne …

In the skies on this damned flight
Jesus, we’re all condemned!
My stomach’s turning somersaults
My heart is in my mouth
Petrified, knuckles white
Don’t trust those hostesses’ fake smiles
These seats are way too small as well …

[cabin crew:]
… For your thighs

Maybe try distractions
The inflight magazine?
I’d rather down a whisky
And a dose of diazepam
Children all around me
Is this day care or a plane?
My bags got stowed away
Now my headphones won’t be found again!

Close my eyes
To visualise being back home again
The fireside in a cosy pub
The flavour of stewed lamb
Soothing harps, soda bread
Already miss you, Emerald Isle
I’m almost feeling chilled
but then …

MY SEAT HAS NO LIFE VEST!!
NOW THERE’S NO WAY I WILL SURVIVE
A LANDING ON WATER!!
IS THIS MY FINAL GOODBYE??!!

Oh, in the skies, it’s fight or flight
As I am crawling down the aisle
I’m screaming like a child of ten …
“WaaaAAAHHH!!”

[cabin crew:]
[Oh] Madam, please, be polite
and take your seat again …

“THERE’S WARNING LIGHTS!!”
“THERE’S WARNING LIGHTS!!”

… It’s just the fasten seatbelt sign:
We’re coming into land!

“WAAAAAAHHH!!”

Madam, please, hold on tight!

You must be patient for a while!

“I DID THIS ONLY FOR AIRMILES!”

These knickers have been soiled again
‘cos I took to the skies.
☹