Based on Israel 1993
Lahakat Shiru — Shiru

WEEK 1

“Sarah’le, I’m sad, I beg you to help me
My marriage is bad, but I love my hubby
He gets home from work very late
His dinner gets cold, which I hate!
Does he even care at all?
It’s like we’re in free fall”
– Susanna, 46

Dear Susanna, I know what to do
It is simple, I just want you to
Take a chance, don’t always do the same
You might just need to up your game
‘Cause a marriage, well it can grow stale
When he gets home simply change the tale
On your knees for what he can’t reject!
Now that’s something he won’t expect

WEEK 2

“Sarah’le I did as you told me to do
So I got on my knees and I did the deed too
But it did not change anything
I think that he has got a fling
Could “work” really be a “friend”?
Oh will this ever end!?”
– Susanna, 46

Dear Susanna, I am sad to hear
But don’t worry, now you listen here
Hun, I know just what you need to do
It is simple, you’ll like it too
Try “the backdoor”, let him take control
Don’t forget lube, and be rock’n’roll
Just enjoy it, don’t be such a prude
I look forward to hear from you

WEEK 3

“Sarah’le, again, I did just as you said
So when Gary came home, I was ready in bed
On all fours and ready to go
I felt like such a slutty ho
But then he went to Bonn
“A business trip” with John”
– Susanna, 46

Dear Susanna, now that makes me sad
You did all that, and it’s still so bad
But there’s something that you can do, hun
It is simple, ah yes it is… Yes it is!
Tell your husband to invite this John
Have a threesome, it’s a lot of fun
Let them take turns, let them plow your buns
And if they just want you to watch?
Well Susanna, just enjoy!

Based on Spain 1968
Massiel — La la la

I love to laugh
He, he, hee, ha, ha, haa,
To laugh out loud
HA, HA, HAAAAA!!!

You see me laughing at you
But don’t you think I’m rude
And don’t get angry dear,
No, it’s just my usual mood…
You may think I’m loony, yes,
I’m not, but I go on,
Can’t stop… and when they see this
People turn and say “Adios!”

Then when I text all is R.O.F.L.,
L.M.A.O., L.O.L……

The doctors say I might have P.B.A.
(that’s pseudobulbar affect)

I can’t control my laughter…
Is there something in my brain?
I giggle without reason…
That’s a thing I can’t explain.
I hear a “Buen dia” and I,
I’m on the floor
And laughing, oh, so hard, I…
Well I peed… (need a new thong)
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Your cat just died? Sorry, I’m cracking up
Cackling so hard, I can’t stoooop

You crashed your car? That’s so hi-la-ri-ous
Tears overflow from my eyeeees…

But then, voilà! There’s a thing I found out
I can’t believe… I mean… Whaaaat???

Damn! Who filled my hairspray with laughing gas???
You think it’s funny, you ass…
JÓ-DEE-TEEEEEEEEE!!!*

 

*jódete [hoh-deh-teh]: let’s laugh together

Based on Turkey 1998
Tüzmen — Unutamazsın

Regretfully did not escape. Lights dim for act two
Pentameter never fails to dissatisfy

Intermission seems so distant – It’s been five hours
Oh the male lead finished talking – I shall feign applause

Performing arts bore me to the point of dismay
So why you ask, did I agree to watch this play?

Something bourgeois, and cultured, sounded quite fine
Not this clichéd, tired shambles that’s over time

I hoped for full frontal nudity
But suffered an hour soliloquy
The back of my seat, slightly indented
And it’s killing me

The view is restricted like they said
Made worse by my seat neighbour’s head
I should’ve stayed home to watch the Süper Lig instead

The seat pitch is the coup de grace – Twelve inches won’t do
Discomfort builds. I need to act. Escape this hell!

Inattentive, think inventive – Stella Artois?
Warm and flat, served in clear plastic, bought from the bar

But then I would surely need a wee
Sacrificed my time, now my kidneys?
There’s not enough beer that could convince me
This is interesting

Review said four stars – I feel misled
The couple behind me have fled
But still I persist. The lights start dimming once again

Additional scenes make me see red
We’re way over time as I’ve said
I grab my ice cream, ignore the usher, leave this dread

Pub instead

Based on Moldova 2021
Natalia Gordienko — Sugar

I can’t explain if there was something going on
Filip Kirkorov had control of me
Always made certain that I never heard a word
Or saw behind closed doors

I never heard nobody talk at all
Of jury points or money
And that’s the reason I’m so sure
That ESC was a fair fight

All over Europa I showed the juries what I do
“Moldova! Moldova! We love her! Douze points!”

What’s with the bitching that our televote was fake?
Rest assured it’s all lies

It’s clear that everybody loved my song
In Portugal, France and Greece
Sammarinese, Serbs and more
I even made the Baltics’ night

All over Europa, at home the viewers were sold too
“Moldova! Moldova! We love her! Douze points!”

And as for rumours that the vocals were all messed about…
Well, that bit’s true… Just watch it back, you’ll see I barely sung
Back track and harmonies did all the work for me
So when my microphone went south I thought I was done!

I felt it slipping, Betty Boo-hoo moment comin’
Uh-oh
Oh no!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

(All me)

Based on Ukraine 2013
Zlata Ognevich — Gravity

Nothing comes from food but poop
can you endure bell taco
diarrhea makes a loop
helped by coffe, tobacoo

When you near but you must hold
Why is it growing stronger?
I am shopping and i’m bowled
I can’t wait no longer

I’m yelling at cashier
Can you do things faster, I’m on go
cursing now taco
(It’s stronger than me) My poopity, My poopity

Hey… run…
Ah yeah… run…
See… run…

She is done and given cash
Mmh… make my way clear
Hoping not to make poopmash
its coming and i fear

Now im standing all alone
With a brown stain on my zara dress
I should have’t eat before this
(It’s all over me) My poopity, My poopity

Hoping no one takes a pic (of poopity)
i see someone taking a pic (of poopity)
I should have’t eat before this
(sexgame over for me) My poopity, My poopity

poopity

Based on Netherlands 2021
Jeangu Macrooy — Birth of a New Age

Skin as smooth as my smile is bright
(His chirping is like yelling, his chirping is like yelling)
Lush feathers stunning as you focus on my eyes
(His beak is oh so smelly, his beak is oh so smelly)
They look at my frown and they wonder out loud
(We guess we’re kinda jelly, we guess we’re kinda jelly)
The yard is full ‘cause of my shake
But I am honest, don’t play games
I don’t pretend, no
I’m a bird with a new face

Thanks so much, Dr Lee
I owe you, Dr Lee
I am so thankful, Dr Lee
He is the best, you see
The work he did on me
It was worth all of the money

Don’t want to be an aeroplane
(Like seven, four and seven, like seven, four and seven)
I am not annoyed by those nicknames
(We just called him a Boeing, we just called him a Boeing)
‘Cause what are the odds they would have liked my gloss?
(You’re right, we’re being jelly, you’re right, we’re being jelly)
In the fountain when we all bathe
Admiring looks, you don’t need to feign
Don’t be so jell, no
I’m a bird with a new face

I’m looking cute, brushing off jealousy
More in demand than the rarest canary
Not born with brilliance, pretty with science
I am a bird with a new face

All thanks to Dr Lee
All like the look of me
Flapping their wings at, wings at me (Birds are fucking horny)
‘UFO’, they call me
Manmade just parts of me
Still a bird, looking so lovely (Google Dr Lee now)
As we sit in this tree
Knowing you envy me
Ruffle my feathers subtly (That tail is so sexy)
‘Cause a bird should be free
Of all this scrutiny
Recommend calling Dr Lee (Spending all my savings)