Based on Belarus 2019
ZENA — Like It

I see they’ve added up all the phone votes
Duncan the Dutch man won
Beat Europe's musicians
(Tamta was one)
No non-Greeks voted for that song

Arcade musically ain’t the worst
The Dutch fans are no longer accursed
Seems men there are taller
(Duncan’s 6”1)
But not made for HD

Where will we next duel?
Somewhere remote – Arnhem?
Heard Utrecht is cool
Or maybe Leeuwarden
Delft would be fine too
Or even Urk
I’ll go anyhow
Please clarify

Think it might be Maastricht
Yes, I heard it’s Maastricht
(In Limburg’s bumhole)

Yes, it’ll be Maastricht
Definitely Maastricht
Don’t wanna go!

Who came up with Maastricht?
Seriously Maastricht?
(Cesspool on the Meuse)

How can it be Maastricht?
I can’t cope with Maastricht
Jon Ola I refuse

This seems shady, a logistics crime
Did they rank the bidboeks upside down?
Do they have an arena?
(M.E.C.C.)
Dilapidated cow barn

No. Foul play must have let this come about
And Vrijthof Square is an eyesore
You say there’s an airport
(Just Ryanair)
I’d rather pull my teeth

Boo, hotels are full
Airbnb, brother
Seems they’re overbooked
Then seek lonely farmers

Nightlife is subdued
Climb Vaalserberg?
It’s just a bump - No.
Dissatisfied.

Venue is a tad shit
Hardly any fans fit
(It's Queue-It high noon)

Day trip out to Luik then
Preferably Aachen
I hate Walloons

Check out the gay district
Riddled with ex-convicts
(With ghastly hair-dos)

Things come into focus
Fanzone plans: atrocious
I can’t stand André Rieu!

It’s ninety-six miles from the sea
The River Maas, it stinks of wee
This might as well be La Belgique

Please just anywhere else

Ahoy would be best

Only an hour from Schiphol

The nightlife’s adequate

Oh, Maastricht just will not do

Need some way to stop this
Listing out the options
(Judicial review?)

Think I'm gonna like this
Eurovision cancelled
Things start anew

Somewhere new to host it
Don’t ask Penn-te Strake
‘Cause she won’t refuse

Just say no to Maastricht
Anywhere else: perfect
Rotterdam? I approve!

Based on Hungary 1995
Csaba Szigeti — Új név a régi ház falán

I once climbed the Chomolungma
Made my countrymen so proud
Shook the hand of Dalai Lama
Photos for the World to see
Every memory
A photograph, they are the proof that I have lived
This life of mine
Every photograph reveals
Truths so dark you simply can't fathom

Cured the sick of Mozambique, and
Fought alongside tribal men
Found the lost city, Paititi
Nessie, and the *sigh* Holy Grail
All these photographs
Perpetuate all my memories
For all time, eternally
Every single photograph
Is ruined by a truth so repulsive...

I had... had something in my teeth
God damn, right there in-between
Oh why... why did I chew on poppy seeds?
Oh no... my nasty looking smile
God damn, it looks so fucking vile
Should have... done a closed mouth smile instead, moron

It's on... on every fucking one
God damn, no photo that has none
Fuck my... fuck my life eternally

God damn

Based on France 1971
Serge Lama — Un jardin sur la terre

It’s nearly half past twelve, stomach’s starting to yell
Don’t feel I can eat with the others in the bistro
Colleagues think I’m strange, and not suitably French
I often go outside and just sit on a bench

I don’t like four-course meals, it all takes far too long
A simple pleasure’s all I require to munch on

Time for lunch and I swear, oh, you can keep your posh food
To be honest, a lovely big sandwich would do
Stuffed with ham and gruyère, or a plain jambon beurre
It is fast, and it’s food, and it’s what I prefer

A bacon and egg roll, now that would be sweet
On wholegrain or a bun, makes the epicures weep
Slice of lamb, better rarer, on a toasted baguette
No bad sandwich on Earth I have eaten as yet

Of course, my lunches are sometimes plain as you see
Important to avoid excess monotony,
So I mix it around, different fillings inside
Experimental types I decided to try

They may seem slightly weirder, you may say they’re sick and wrong
But if you persevere, you’ll find the right one

Deep fried jam, pickled pear, that’s a good one of mine
Juice of four moldy cherries, and eat it with wine
Melt an old Camembert, add tomato and stir
And pour on a cupful of banana liqueur

Don’t eat those in sandwiches separately
Just mix it together and spread liberally
But at Subway today, everyone shouted “bleurgh!”
When they tried my new sandwich with hair.

Based on Norway 2012
Tooji — Stay

Tucked in, boobs out I walk down the street
Hips sashay to a rhythm and you can’t stand the heat
I see the heads look my way, eyes fol-low-ing me that way
Bitch is gonna slay if you can’t stand the heat.
I’ve got you in my sights and I’m hitting new heights
You’re in my radar, my control
You know its turning me on, and soon you will be gone
Out the way out of my show

I just know what I’m doing tonight
And your tears are gonna make me stronger
Strap in and make sure you hold on tight
‘Cos tonight you’re gonna get slayed
Nanananana, slayed, nananananana

I won the maxi task, yes bitch say wow
Ow! Immune next week, so you should better just bow
It’s like I’m gonna (slay now), not gonna beat me (watch out)
The crown is waiting for me and you’re killing me now

Better get out my way, you’d better free up that bay
Cos you know I’ll need that space
See that bitch over there and she’s just taken your hair
She said goodbye I’ve got your place

I just know you’re lipsyncing tonight
And your pain is gonna make me stronger
Tucked in and get your first words real, right
‘Cos now you’re gonna be slayed
A proper drag race slay-yyy, nananananana

You should move your body baby
To sash-ay, nanananana, go a-way, nanananana
You’re gone now, so move your body baby
To sash-ay, nanananana, go a-way, nanananana

Use the lipstick for a message now
And you have taken that prem-a-ture bow
One queen down and now I’ll get the crown
And I know – that I have you
Wiped the message from the mirror now
And next week you will be going wow, wow
Next queen down and now I’ll get the crown
And you know, that I have you slayed
Nanananana, slayed, nanananana

Based on United Kingdom 1968
Cliff Richard — Congratulations

Plain text version

Mother:                                                                                                  Daughter:

[March 1, 2020]

Congratulations
on your vacation!

You really think it’s safe to go to Italy?

Contamination’s
Mere speculation!

Sure, what’s the worst scenario one could foresee?

[March 9, 2020]

Would you believe the streets are all empty and abandoned…
of course they quarantined me as soon as the plane landed

Hey could you text a selfie with that famous statue?

No, they won’t let you
go out of your room!!!

[March 13, 2020]

Now I’m a patient
On ventilation

That’s just fake news...
This bug harms just the elderly

No medications
Just intubations

Your room is full of souvenirs!
grab some for me!

[March 18, 2020]

My phone says weather in Milan this week’s been sunny

I hadn’t noticed, because I’m focused on recovery

[March 19, 2020]

Your vacay got me in the mood to book my own trip
It’s on a cruise ship!
I’m ready to sail!

But sanitation!
and regulations!
Mom, you must rethink, now’s the time to act safely!

Exaggerations!
Like vaccinations!
It’s just a Communist Chinese conspiracy

[March 23, 2020]

Mom, how’s vacation?

IN ISOLATION!!!

I want a full refund, been treated unfairly
How could I know that we’d
be stranded out at sea!

Based on Serbia 2007
Marija Šerifović — Molitva

Jana Novotná
That’s when I first felt the tinglings start
I’d grown up with hockey
I wasn’t averse to a slick martial art
But oh when I saw her
Advantage the goddess owning the court
I knew I was smitten
Wasn’t just lust, my love was for sport

Elation, stimulation
Tennis tickles my sensations
Grunt’d aces, writhing faces
Strawberries & cream

Wimbledon
Let us honour Miss Navratilova
Martina
So God love her and whatever drove her

Billie Jean
Shook up the scene
Miss Fernández and Miss Mandlíková

Virago dreams
Played out by queens
Game set & match, won by an Amazon
Wimbledon

Instrumental

(URGHHHHHHHHHH!)
(THWACK!!)
(URGHHHHHHHHHH)
(THWACK)
(polite applause)

(Game Miss Šerifović)

(Change ends please)

Ovation, liberation
Tennis is my titillation
Double faulting, somersaulting
She’s got white pants on!!

Wimbledon
I assure you mine’s a sporting interest
Fifteen, Love
I am mainly focused on the contest

Thighs like steel (they for real?))
How must they feel? (they’re ideal!)
Rubbed together in a top seed meeting

Serena, (just let loose)
Your demeanour (score is deuce)
Vanquish Venus, she’s your (senior)

Wimbledaaaahahhhhhhhahhhhahaoohhhoooohhoooohhooohhh

Miss Mauresmo (out and proud)
Puts on her show (backhand’s loud)
Now my barley water‘s overheating

It’s what I am (wham and bam)
it’s my grand slam (oui Madame)
Now someone serve me with my dental dam!
Wimbledon

Tennis turns me
Turn on
Wimbledon

Based on Israel 2020
Eden Alene — Feker libi

Frickin' Loreen's Euphoria,
We've all heard enough of you,
Frickin' Loreen's Euphoria,
Even Anton said sod you,

(Thomas G:Son, voilà...)

Once upon a time, I was looking for a rhyme,
Thomas G:Son, Thomas G:Son,
Sweden's favourite lyrics guy,

Victory on the mind, closed my eyes what would I find?
Need to seek a Melfest winner, but I just can't plagiarise...

Moooooooooooooore,
What does 'more' rhyme with, it rhymes with
Doooooooooooooor,
One verse out the way,

And 'do' rhymes with 'you', too,
I'm so ready for revenue,
Just need someone to sing this,
Who should I ask first?

Frickin' Loreen,
She's not afraid to sing this,
While dancing on the stage like a massive crab
Frickin' Loreen,
There's no doubt that she'll win this, But her fringe makes her look just like me in drag,

Frickin' Loreen,
You are the queen,
Of ESC,
In the current century,
Frickin' Loreen,
You caused a scene,
Not being mean,
But we're all fed up of you

(Now here's G:Son part två)

Oh no that's fake snow,
Only got one place to go,
Confetti-a confetti-a
Getting stuck right down her throat

Aaaaaaaaaaaaart,
Probably won't write fart, no we'll say
Heaaaaaaaaaart,
Chorus rhyming done,

Wrote this song in two minutes,
Critics say it can't not win this,
Sweden's unfinished business,
Has been settled by,

Frickin' Loreen,
She's not afraid to sing this,
While dancing on the stage like a massive crab
Frickin' Loreen,
There's no doubt that she'll win this, But her fringe makes her look just like me in drag,

Frickin' Loreen,
You are the queen,
Of ESC,
In the current century,
Frickin' Loreen,
You caused a scene,
Not being mean,
But we're all fed up of you

(Euphoriaaaaaaa)

Frickin' Loreen, you are the queen,
The whole of Europe loves you,
Frickin' Loreen, you are the queen,
The whole of Europe loves you

Frickin' Loreen, you are the queen,
The whole of Europe loves you,
Frickin' Loreen, you are the queen,
The whole of Europe loves you

You are the queen of ESC,
But we're all fed up... of you

Based on Austria 1994
Petra Frey — Für den Frieden der Welt

So when did people between them decide
To use their urine for things?
Tanning, removing those tough stains from stuff
And sprinkling on jellyfish stings

Our liquid gold can be useful indeed
But it can be a tough sell
Human consumption is frowned on and yet
It’s something you’ll never regret

There’s no way I would felch, I’m not touching my shit
I’m no dog, I won’t eat my own sick
Though when picking my nose I won’t eat my own snot
I’ve no problem with drinking my pee

It can benefit health, give your face a free lift
You can use it to whiten your teeth
So the Romans believed, and they conquered the world
(Not just any piss though: Portuguese)

You can gain so much from drinking pee

If you’re caught short when you’re stuck in your car
That’s when a She-wee’s a hit
Bottled at source, and a hot drink to boot
Go on, why not sample a bit?

We’re all over the world, there are millions like me
Petra Frey, I’m in fine company
J. D. Salinger did, all of Catcher he wrote
While he happily sipped on his wee

It don’t half moisturise, quench your thirst in a drought
So much good comes from urinobibing

Most of India’s sold, half of Thailand drinks wee
And they’ve done so for thousands of years
I’m not taking the piss, who needs science? Fake news
Won’t you try some? Imbibe it with me

Aah, drinking pee

Based on France 2019
Bilal Hassani — Roi

I was three
When Maman showed me ESC
Saw the fleece of Renārs and Marie
And I longed for them wrapped around me

LTV
Soon came to hear of my plea
And provided the coats of my dreams
The furs: I wore and I lived

I put them in a box
To keep them as if new
At the front a hole
So I could still see through
And put them on display
Centre of the spare room
My loves, that's where it started

My petit cache quickly multiplied
Became locally renowned
A whole trove of my souvenirs
From the same Eurovision year
A bit niche but still ranging wide
Preserved for the ages now
Come on in, so you can explore

For two Euros a nose
See Alf's cardboard models
Louisa's scarlet gown
Even Birgitta's flower
Sertab's ribbons
Records from Nicola
As Lys Assia says
It's really a wonderful town

Mon musee
At the start was a real novelty
Like the language of Sanomi
People flocked for each new featured piece

With each year
the awards, visitors, they decreased
It was clear of my exhibit's need
To pass this impasse, an 'attraction marquee'

Mon étalage was in need of life
Too static up until now
So I sought out a living prop
First to sign up was Lynn Chircop
Then some more who would stay inside
No need to let Belen out
An array of true Eurostars

Her from Sarajevo
Gives a big big hello
And the queers come around
for t.A.T.u's faux les tension
Gemma's enshrined
Still the key, she can't find
Karmen sings Nanana
Hopeful now that we won't shut down

It didn't work :’(

So I guess I'll start on '04

Based on Lithuania 2020
THE ROOP — On Fire

I'm a poet and I'm stoned
Must write down before it's gone
Creative constructions
But must be careful, don't write crap
Cliché rhyming is a trap

Cause when it comes to fire
We need to aim much higher
And when we start to tire
Ominous background choir

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ohh

Start to doubt my inner strength
Still I will go to great lengths
Find fitting lyrics
And you might think it's absurd
That I'm dodging the d-word

But all that I require
Is a great rhyme supplier
Now where can I acquire
Syllables multiplier

I admit I am afraid
And tend to overcomplicate
Damn overthinking
Curse all this complexity
It's time for simplicity
Ugh

Lalalalala
Lalalalala
Lalalalala
Lalalalalala
Lalalalala
Lalalalala
Lalalalala

Just go to Rhymezone
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ohh

Cause when it comes to fire
We need to aim much higher
I'm starting to transpire
Maybe I should retire

(The D-Word)
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ohh
(The D-Word)

This rhyme is turning dire