Based on Croatia 2023
Let 3 — Mama ŠČ!

Join our Eurovision Army, Ziv 💪
Help us fight against the IS, Gee 🦷
March with our Conquistadores ⚔️
Though nights get hard, you will not be captured, Skifs 🌘

Bring your stones to our headquarters, ZiBBZ 🪨
Prep the Molotov Cocktails now, Chic 🍹
Fight the monsters, Saara Aalto 👹
Warrior Nina, oximate opponents 🫁

Gaitanka ☣️

Fight your demons with more valour, TIX
Could it be that you're at war, now, Kim? ❓
Let your battle cry out louder 📣
As Chief Laura marches on Verona 🫡

<<< scrolling through ESC rolodex >>>
Mamma, Mamo, Maman, leave your children behind 👩‍👧‍👦
Sanna, undo your sad 🫤

You can do it, Duo Datz ✊
Fight with heart, dear Mimicat ❤️‍🔥
Do it for Judy, Pierre Rapsat 🤗
Work hard, Kuunkuiskaajat 👭

Shellpida ☢️

Vania: our navy Senhora, (sea) 🌊
Airforce fly the flag with honour, Scooch 🛫
Secret service with Morena 🥷
Training leaders: Zdob și Zdub, Moldova 🪗

Weapons - not words - Harel Skaat 🏹
Say War War War with Serhat 🧨
On, Bettina Soriat! ↗️
For your lady, Kabát 🙋‍♀️

Play on, Pihasoittajat 🎻
Live up Yüksek Sadakat 🖖
Ambush Shiru Ladakat 🚨
Tell them bye bye CatCat ✌️

Armour, ammo, Bem bomb 💣

Gracia, don't run and hide 🙈
We'll beat Gina Genocide 🪩
Ryan, make sure we survive 💔
Don't cry, you're still alive! 🙌

TWiiNS 👯‍♀️

Based on Ireland 1980

 
 

At my request, the Producer has kindly taken down the text of this alternative lyric.

Thank you, Andy.

I poured my heart and soul into this AL in an attempt, in part, to grapple the grief that girds me. It is no longer as piercing as it once was, but it lingers. This AL represents a public display of my grief and I now wish it to return to the privacy of my own mind.

It is a poetic irony that this AL will remain in memory only.
I am at peace with that.

-- Esker

Based on Iceland 2010
Hera Björk — Je ne sais quoi

I know I ain't wrong
That song is only sadness, bums me out
How did it even reach, a higher place than "Gimme"?
Infuriating, drives me wild

Il faut du temps
It is beginning with the title
Il faut du temps - ew!
No dry ice? I will complain
And when I see her face, I wanna modify her style
What's with that hair, pourqoi?

When one minute's up
Seems like I've heard the whole thing, tiring
And all that I love is that voice
Helsinki gave it twelve points
Tell me, do you feel the same?

Il faut du temps
It's bridge is almost non existent
Il faut du temps - ew!
Considered best song of that year
And when I think of it, Kirsten Sigaard had better hairstyle
Sandrine François, pourqoi?

I just hate it, it's a crap song ohh
It's like it's torturing my life!

Il faut du temps...
Il faux du temps!

Backdrop to all my creepy nightmares
Il faut du temps, ouch!
It came fifth, a travesty
This whole thing was a lie who doesn't love a slick French ballad
Il faut du temps, DOUZE POINTS!

Based on Portugal 2011
Homens da Luta — A luta é alegria

We’re picketing the office of Christer Björkman
We’ll protest till he brings back the Monegasque
On Malta and SM it's an unfair burden
To showcase microstates is a macro task

They’ve been gone since forever
At least Séverine Ferrer
We’re overdue a sequel to Coco-Dance

Why else would Liechtenstein have a TV station
If not to stuff the contest with yodel tracks?
Unless all microstates get participation
They’ll just be known as havens for dodging tax

Let Schaan host in their theatre
The stage is one square metre
It’s next to Hilti Aktiengesellschaft

If only Biggi Bachmann's body had been bigger
Enough to fill a swimming pool with just one finger
That might've made them big enough to have a singer
My Little Cowboy could’ve been a weeny winner

Don’t brag about Luxembourg with us
We mean lands so small they can't fill one bus
The Isle of Man has just one post box
‘Cause it’s just one man living on some rocks

Perhaps the Vatican might send something religious
Such as a Mormon or a band of Hare Krishnas?
They could try Senhit but their wealth can’t beat her stickers
Or keep it local, maybe they could find some fiddlers?

Andorra wasn’t liked much by other nations
The only small state where one can’t bribe a judge
Their forward-thinking fashions brought us elation
But now it's just mistaken for a map smudge

Mount Athos has believers
And surely tonnes of divas
They’d hear the cheers from Greece when they give douze points

How could Australia be let in before Sealand‽
They didn’t even check to see what’s round New Zealand
Such as the Federated States of Micronesia
Nauruan guanopop could be a wee crowd pleaser

We want the Big 5 to be shrunk down
Swapped for dots of sand that will all soon drown
We’re yet to hear Tuvalu’s own sounds
Though their .tv’s where the contest’s found

Sure it's a start Russia’s twice been banned
But let's not ban bands from Bashkortostan
Though there's a chance it’s a made-up land
Of the Bashkir songs we're already fans

Hey look it’s Marta Roure, taller than a steeple!
We thought that microstates were lands for little people?
Discrimination against dwarves we thought was evil
Guess we can go home now we know they’re being legal

Besides, they'd only end up sending more Ralph Siegel

Based on Italy 2023
Marco Mengoni — Due vite (live version)

So, have you ever seen a man in leather trousers
Just go and shit himself in front of millions of people?
’Cause if the bubbling and gurgling in my guts is any indication
That’s exactly, and shortly, what’s about to occur here

No idea why that thought has tickled me, it’s not a joke or even slightly funny
I suppose I’m just laughing so I can cover up the ever-mounting horror
That’s because I’m pre-shitting bricks at the mere thought of shitting myself here
And who here hasn’t?

I know there’s two hot guys behind me going boing-boing on trampolines
And if I wasn’t about to go nova, then sure, I’d be all over them like a rash
Alas, my stomach’s doing somersaults and drops and jumps all of its own
And I don’t need the reminder

In fact I think I’m better off if I keep moving
In the meantime, good advice, so listen up y’all
You don’t wanna repeat my mistake, this could save both your pants and your face
And stop your guts from doing loop-the-loops, as if they’re eating this fucking top

Don’t eat extra-hot instant noodles just an hour before you’re due on stage like I did
Hair and make-up did try and warn me about them, sadly I just scoffed the bastards
Now I feel like they crawled up into the most angry fold of my arsehole
And now they’ve died there

Or rather I’m the one who’s dying, ’cause they’re killing me from within
Suppose one good thing’s these trousers, this leather, won’t stain, when the tsunami wave rears its head
The steaming torrent will work its way south, trickle out, and then just slowly pool around my feet
A spicy, towering, brown and green monument to three shit-hot minutes of TV shame

Good, thank you, yes, go close up on me, then it might help me to ignore the fact
That I can feel it building, standing on the porch like a Mormon
Full of crap, unwelcome, preaching fire and curry-red brimstone
Oh shit – his ugly face is at the door

God damn! This could be myooooo– [Director: Be ready if he really *does* lose his shit!] –therfucker!
It’s like the Alien chest-burst, except that this one just clawed its way out of my poor arse
And what the – Jesus wept, the smell! It’s – I can barely even hold the mike
Christ! Cut me off now, kthxxxxxxxxbai

Based on Spain 2023
Blanca Paloma — Eaea

You must…
You'll accept him…

No way!

I wanna register my boy
Why?
My wonder mannered brainy boy
'Cause mum knows best, right?
Received top scores at his preschool
Perfect fit for your escuela

Our education catchment area
A sternly laid out catchment area
You live outside the catchment area
Your iron-fisted plea won't influence us!

We live close to your frontera
The mansions of Bonavista
But thoughtless Elche officials
Said go to a state escuela
With cokeheads of Poble Vell
Worst in Elche, below subpar

Sod it!

I drive a neat Kia Niro
Brag weirdo, we all drive Renault Clios
Can bring him into school all days
On my way to the beautician
Plus also back

But education catchment area
One cannot change a catchment area
So says Valencian Generalitat
(see? see? see? see?)
It really doesn't hinge on transportation

My critical last attempt at
Upending your disapproval
This generous cheque as handout
Renew your ramshackle playground
Or use it to treat yourselves

Now you have our attention señora

I've friends at the local health club
The best tennis institution
They'll sort you discounted entrance
Come to think of, we could use one

This education catchment area Can be amended, we see eye to eye

This education catchment area Can be amended, we see eye to eye

We'll disregard this weird law as an error
(cheat! cheat! cheat! cheat!)

Our new extended catchment area In this exceptional rare circumstance We'll see him 1st September at eight sharp

Yaaaaay! Yaaaayaaaaaaayaaaaaaaaay!!! Yay!

Based on Czechia 2022
We Are Domi — Lights Off

A fire, a famine, an earthquake
There’s only so much we can take
Seas are rising thanks to man
But we can save Earth! Here’s the plan:

Biology provides solutions
To end all misery, wipe out pollution
A pigment change for our bovine friends
And a Savior is born

Little red cow on a green field
A heifer to bring the true apocalypse
Look at you now
The cat’s meow
We all say, “Wow!
Little red cow!”

Not all is peaceful with this beast
The cow comes from the Middle East
“The temple shall be rebuilt,” some share
But there’s a mosque already there

Possess the spot and God favors you
For you show more belief than your neighbors do
We’ll show God’s love, we’ll show God’s peace
When we kill the heathens

Little red cow grazes calmly
While Earth descends into the Last World War
Kick up a row
Jab and a pow
Victims say, “Ow!”
Little red cow

Then the heifer speaks (I know not how):
“We’re all the same, so stop your fighting now!”
Little red cow

Little red cow, God’s messenger
Will bring everlasting brotherhood and peace
Don’t ask me how
All’s better now
Just take a bow
Little red cow

Based on Israel 1981
Hakol Over Habibi — Halayla

♫ ♫

[Tonight's guest enters the studio, receives a warm welcome - looks like she's had a few before coming]

♫ ♫

♫ ♫

Coloured pods right ahead
Like candies overspread
I do hope one of them is a redhead
They attract me, tall and freckly
All the way down

This woman talks too much
I have an urge to nudge
Heartburn still on, bloody pickles at lunch
Come on begin, let them be seen
La la la la

♪ Ahahaha haha ♪

I shall have a large sherry then
They're at last revealing
Nice shadowy good shapes there
What a lovely feeling

Call it a dream, God now I'll scream
La la la la
They are all standing like

Ma chérie come, look what I got
It's here, waiting for you
Why shy away, it's alright
We can have some chat too

That one's all pink, where is my drink
La la la la

♪ Lalala lala ♪
♪ Lalala lala ♪

Look careful, they might fool
Malfunction could be cruel
And keep in mind, some can be shocking growers

Not sure now (Hurry woman)
Can't decide (It's cold in here)
May I see their backside
What a pity
We should try, before we buy
It's like that everywhere, yeah

♫ ♫

♫ ♫

Come take a look, come take a look
I should go a bit nearer
Can do a lot, give it a shot
Second looks familiar

Which one to pick, pretty or big
Don't you have more
Would be nice another four

Don't shy away, don't shy away
Inspect closer this time
Don't hesitate, won't regret
You will want for lifetime
Not convincing, something's missing
I don't know why

First they caught my eye
I'm not gonna lie
Maybe when I'm high

Cannot feel the vibe
One last look to five
Nope, I'm going bye

 

 

Author's Note:
Needless to say, this is just a parody and was created for entertainment purpose only, with the use of some visuals from 42 years ago.
No offense or disrespect is intended toward the artist and the whole script should be considered as a joke, in case this reaches anyone not familiar with ALC.

Based on Netherlands 1972
Sandra & Andres — Als het om de liefde gaat

Nanananananana
I'm in the mood, I have an appetite tonight, aha
Nanananananana
Show me the goods, make sure you have them on display
Hey, can you help me finish and show your gratitude?
That is way more fun than simply look!
Nanananananana
Let's get it on, turn up the heat and let off steam

I need a large zucchini, a courgette is what it takes
Preferably a little fat
It has to be six inches, maximum of eight
A good length I need to stuff with that

An eggplant, if you please, to serve the chef his needs
Big sizes make him very glad

Nanananananana
I'll let you choose, shall I invite more people here, mmm
Nanananananana
Who could refuse, free protein along with beer
Oh oh oh, should I get some acorns, or do you need mushrooms?
Where is all the meat this afternoon?
Nanananananana
Let's call our friends, all those in want of vitamins

Give me a big carrot, it can never be too hard
Chef knows what to do with that
Be gentle, take your time and eventually it's soft
As a rule it's flaccid very fast

Abundant olive oil would surely do the trick
I think they make a real good match!

Nanananananana
I like it smooth, cream goes on top, let's consummate!
Nanananananana
Nanananananana
Nanananananana
Nanananananana

Based on Sweden 2009
Malena Ernman — La voix

ah ah ah...
ah ah ah...
ah ah ah...

Every night I play it!
Every night I play it!
Taking over my life.
Why are you so addictive?
Why are you so addictive?
Always in my life
ohohoho...
My name is Yami and

Je t'aime, amour, quand
j'entends la nombre
Je t'aime, ma vie,c'est jamais sans toi
Je vis ma vie pour toi,
c'est l'universe pour moi
Je t'aime, amour, quand
j'entends la nombre

You got me hypnotized
You got me hypnotized
I just wanna win
Why you’re so amazing
Why you’re so amazing
2048
ohohoho...
Stay and keep me safe

Je t'aime, amour, quand
j'entends la nombre
Je t'aime, ma vie, c'est jamais sans toi
Je vis ma vie pour toi,
c'est l'universe pour moi
Je t'aime, amour, quand

j'entends...

ah... la nombre
ah ah ah...

Je vis ma vie pour toi,
c'est l'universe pour moi
Je t'aime, amour, quand
j'entends la nombre

J'entends la nombre

La nombre...