Problem Nation

Based on Greece 2002
Michalis Rakintzis — S.A.G.A.P.O.

They (they, they, they, they)
have no airports, seas or trains (trains, trains, trains, trains)
Their jacks are piqued and lights have chains (chains, chains, chains, chains, chains)
Land of absurd (land of absurd, so absurd, quite absurd, that’s the word)
Say, (say, say, say, say)
how do they afford the fee? (fee, fee, fee, fee)
Eurovision’s not for free. (free, free, free, free, free)
Debt is incurred (debt is incurred, so I heard, details blurred, bribes preferred)
Hey, (hey, hey)
Problem microstate:
S.A.N.M.A.R.I.N.O.
They (they, they)
tend to aggravate
S.A.N.M.A.R.I.N.O.
Lame, (lame, lame)
and yet undeterred:
Jenny B and the Rida of Flo.
Shame (shame, shame)
songs are massive turds
ever since M.I.O.D.I.O.
There (there, there, there, there)
Valentina rents her pad. (pad, pad, pad, pad)
She will sing day and night (night, fright, night, fright, yikes)
fortissimo. (uh uh oh no, sound of woe, let’s not go, guest no-show)
Pain (pain, pain, pain, pain)
Every year it is the same: (same, same, same, same)
Eurovision winning fame (fame, fame, fame, fame, fame)
Has not occurred. (has not occurred, not occurred, won’t occur, can’t occur)
Say, (na, na)
what the future holds?
S.E.R.H.A.T. doesn't know
Che (che, che)
stupido uomo:
A.C.H.I.L.L.E. Lauro
Shame (shame, shame)
they're not Luxembourg,
Coming back soon to have one more go
Can (can, can)
they at last find
una voce per San Marino?
...No.

Digame

Based on Yugoslavia 1982
Aska — Halo, halo (live version)

[BEFORE THE CALL] ♪ ♫ ♬ (Will it be Käärijä or Loreen? Let’s watch the show and soon we will find out!) 🙂
[AFTER THE CALL ] 𝄞 ♫ ♬ (Jesus, if only I had known... I would have watched the news instead) 🙁

Last May I decided I would vote
Help Finns win the contest for a change
Should I text or call?
Use the app?
Calling’s cheaper
So I called Digame*

No one should go through what happened next (Yes Dígame?)**
Televoting haunts me to this day (Yes Dígame?)
When my call got through
no one spoke
it was eerie, the ordeal had begun:

“Hello? Is anybody there?”
Dígame?
“Watcha mean Dígame? It is ME that has asked you!!!”
“Hello? Could someone count my vote?”
Dígame?
“What the fuck’s going on, all I want
is an answer!!!!”

“Please man, tell me what I have to do!!!”
Yes Dígame?”
“Will you please just stop repeating that?!?!?”
Yes Dígame?
“Is this Österdahl?!?”
Dígame?
“ALL I WANT IS TO VOTE FOR CHA CHA CHA!!!!”

“Please help, I’ve pulled out all my hair!”
Dígame?
“For fuck’s sake, what is this, count my vote, you’re Loreen aren’t you????”
Diga, Diga, Diga, Diga...Dígame?
“Oh my god, this is Måns isn’t it?!? VOTE FOR FINLAND!!!!”

Diga, diga, diga, diga... Dígame?”​
“I’m in hell, it’s Carola, The Ark and John Lundvik too !!!!”
Diga, diga, diga, diga... Dígame?
“I give up, fuck you all, you know what? VOTE FOR SWEDEN!!!”
Thank you

OH NO
FINLAND LOST BY JUST ONE POINT 😣

*Digame is the company based in Germany that is responsible for collecting and tabulating the phone and text votes during Eurovision

**Dígame: it’s what most Spaniards say when they answer the phone (“Hello?” in English)

Both mean “Tell Me”

Perverts of the Zodiac

Based on Germany 1999
Sürpriz — Reise nach Jerusalem – Kudüs'e Seyahat

Hello, hello, come and hear about all the perverts of the Zodiac

Sit down, sit down, Mars is on the rise, and the Moon is full of lust tonight
Hurry, hurry, here's some "tea" for you: Venus's in conjunction with Neptune

♈ Aries men are pounders, joy is The Ram in Uranus
♉ Wear something both slutty and red, to titillate a Taurus
♊ Shagging The Twins: a two-in-one
Two-man threesomes, oh my! - You, Gem and I

Sit down, sit down, Mars is on the rise, and the Moon is full of lust tonight
Hurry, hurry, here's some "tea" for you: Venus's in conjunction with Neptune

♋ Just look at Cancer's sign, they love to sixty-nine
♌ Leos devour carcass, on booty meat they dine
♍ Virgos, you'd think are pure and dull - just look at their numbers, y'all
Biggest sluts of all!

Sit down, sit down, Mars is on the rise, and the Moon is full of lust tonight
Hurry, hurry, here's some "tea" for you: Venus's in conjunction with Neptune

♎ Libras love to talk dirty when they fuck
♏ Penetration of the skin, Scorpio's the king of sin
♐ Sags got stellar aim, they'd win any game
Now a sign that's ruled by the cockrings of Saturn
♑ Capricorns are whores, they put the 'horn' in horny
♒ Watersports are fun, when Aquarius' the sign of the sun
♓ Pisces broads are wet, and great in bed

So long, so long, now you know about all the perverts of the Zodiac
Listen, listen, for a lick of coin, we would like to read your "whoroscope"
Haha, haha, would you look at that!? There's perversion in your natal chart!
You are, you are, just the sign we need, to complete an orgy with all twelve
Let us, let us, let us take your hand and then guide you to the promised land
Come on, come on, cum and join the fun with the perverts of the Zodiac

Diva

Based on France 2023
La Zarra — Évidemment

In Québec, Canada, I was the queen of the chanson
By air, travelled, to sing (très bien)
Jubilee of Céline's great win,

Felt like I'd been drinking strong liqueur
And something strange was starting to occur,
Always bloated and in a bad mood
‎‏Then to my horror the doctor said...

"Don't eat croissants"
J'suis sans les sandwichs de jambon et cornichon
Nor macarons,
Cause I've been feeling lethargy,
I'm unhappy

So if there's dough, oh, that's how it's made,
Then it will be too glutinous for me,
No more brioche,
With marmalade or jam again,
How unpleasant!

So from my diet, I've given up,
Couronnes et tarte tatin,
Je cherche l'amour, je n'trouve rien
Comme dans mon sac du pain

I have never been nonchalant,
With others I can't reach a state of détente,
I'd made a clear hotel demand,
‎‏But to my terror the cleaners said...

"What you don't want,
Is to turn the pillows over, because there's blood"
What an affront!
I wasn't treated like mother, more a weird aunt

But I won't stop,
These ordeals will be worth it when I've won,
I'm sat in the green room, it's nearly done
"Votes for France"
I'm sure the public love me - time for Graham to read out my score...

JUST FIFTY POINTS TO FRANCE?!

You know what, fuck this, you have no taste
I don't understand, why you all hate me

Évidemment
This misery all started with the time I ate
That damn croissant!

Definitely Extremely Vaingloriously In Love

Based on Sweden 1991
Carola — Fångad av en stormvind

Oooooo-hooo yeah!!!
Whooooa-ho-ho!!!

I have come to realise
That all that I was taught is a crock of shit

Still it takes me by surprise
When I’m compelled to sing words I once would not admit

Now I’m proud to tell you I am coming out
I have opened up (completely) without doubt

I’m enraptured by the Devil - he’s my man

There’s no fun in Heaven, no
When you find out God is vegan

Singing “Oh Hosanna!”
Night and day (as you must)
It turns me off

Mark my Word I’m coming down below

I repent my righteous deeds

And dedicate my soul
To for evermore…

Be the nastiest of Swedes

With scruples of a troll
And the morals of a whore

Having no regrets, I’m leaving Christ behind
My new love is wicked: he’s the one who shines

I’m enraptured by the Devil. I’m for you

Let us do the no-pants dance
Come and take me - any entrance

Fornicate and show me disrespect!

Don’t resist my bargain ‘cause
You ain’t met a diva quite like me!!

Var inte främling: låt starta vårt äventyr nu
Min brinnand kärlek evighet bara jag och du

Oh yes! Now I’m feeling horny!!

Rapture me, you devil! (Take her on!)

Heaven will be yours when I penetrate your inner circle

Let us take Valhalla from the gods
Dominate them! Use your rod!

All for you, I’ve more salacious schemes

(Only with Carola!)

Go on, tell me: “You can go to Hell”!!!

One Night In Birkenhead

Based on Albania 2019
Jonida Maliqi — Ktheju tokës

*cheers as car exits the mystical M53*

Seems quite dear for two grand
Is Travelodge a high-end brand?

TV won’t switch on
Soundproofing acoustics don’t impress
When lesbians next door have sex

Bloody shower’s broken
Where’s my complimentary pen?
Damp walls riddled with lead
Suspiciously white stained bedspread

*returns after jury final*

Blinds don’t block the sun
Breakfast is a contemptuous mess
Fruit juice has not been freshly pressed

Stale burnt toasted white bread
Served with communal low-fat spread
Must avoid the ‘latte’
Lesbians drank seven. They’re dead!

(Toilet tissue? That costs extra)
(Room had mildew? Tasty fungus!)
(Hey you! Pay up! You had breakfast)
(Please leave review)

*with acute passive aggression*

“Thank you very much. Faleminderit shumë. תודה רבה.”

Alphabeta

Based on Israel 1978
Izhar Cohen and the Alphabeta — A-ba-ni-bi

Hey do you know your ABC's
Of Eurovision's epic singers, songs and memes?
So easy, it's like 1 2 3
You'll sing along in no time, just you wait and see
If at one point your mind goes 'nah'
You know there's always 'lalala'

ABBA or Angel (Chiara)
Beg, steal, borrow, banana
Conchita does the Cha Cha Cha
Douze points for your dance break, Diva!

Who doesn't love the classic Eres Tu?
Feuer for everyone, and Fuego too!
When half the Green room starts to have a cow
Hold on be strong and Hold me now

Izhar Cohen, Olé Olé
In Jordan they still think he lost to Jean Vallée
Kinek mondjam el vetkeimet?
Oh cheer up honey, Lass die Sonne in dein Herz!

Mister Naef! Who gets the Nil points?
Where's the Orchestra? Poe poe poe!
¿Quién ma...neja mi barca?
Did not Rise like a phoenix
But bombed just like Scooch and Shiru

Do you think Televoting's cool?
UGH, don't ask Urban Trad the damage it can do
And Valentina Monetta
We're sure she stole the Wind machine from Carola

Redemption for the dolls from XXL
Although their vocals didn't flow that well
Will Tiktok ever do the Yaz Bitti?
Until then: Buoni e Zitti!

Took some creative liberty
To cover every letter from A down to Z
And though we disappointed fans
There sadly was no way to mention Riverdance

We've been so tempted all along
To smuggle in a boom-a-bang or ding-a-dong
We simply didn't see a fit
Well, maybe, bejba, ooh aah just a little bit

Love love peace peace, adieu, voilà
Double wink from the Alphabeta mafia

MB Trolls in Springtime

Based on Spain 1995
Anabel Conde — Vuelve conmigo (live version)

Time for our annual credo
It affects our libido - let’s not go that far
We need it for our ego
We’ll get into that later, but for now let’s scar

(Pang)

Those laughing in the dark
Those staffing this big ark

When? When? Just when will we know?
When? When? When comes the simulator?!
When? Show us the depot
Where we can heed - no, adore!

(Passive aggressive guitar solo)

We flood ESCNation
From the depths of São Paulo and from Canberra
All around we are preaching
We are not overreaching
Just want what is ours

We’re aching in the heart
We’re breaking - we’ll wage war!

Then, then, we’ll just use CAPS LOCK
THEN, THEN, SPELING MISTAKES R CALLED FOR
THEN NO PUNTUATION
AND WIERD USERNAMES GALORE - [R] EurofanTilDeath - 00:01:59

TEN (AND) TEN (TEN) FINALSITS TO GO - [R] StimulatorWhen - 00:02:04
TEN (AND) TEN (TEN) PLUS SIX AND THAN DOWN TO ONE - [R] ESCintifada - 00:02:10
(ZEN) ZEN GOOD FR OUR EGO - [R] GenevaFanBoy - 00:02:13
WEHN WE SIMULATE THE SCORES - [R] KillJuries - 00:02:18

(Ominous drums)

WHOA (BEN BEN BEN TUMMINARO) - [R] ESCJESCEDCFreak - 00:02:22
(BEN BEN WE KNOW YOUR LATS NAME AND MORE) - [R] Örnsköldsvik2024 - 00:02:27
BEN BEN BEN (BEN BEN WE GED OUR CROSSBOW) - [R] MirelaAEurovision - 00:02:31
(FINNISH SIMULATION OR) OH YEAH YEAH YEAH - [R] YeahYeahFire - 00:02:38

BEN BEN YOU MUST HVE SEEN NO - [R] Elodie_YouHouHou - 00:02:43
BEN BEN WE BARICADED YOUR DOOR - [R] WhatTheDuckMarios - 00:02:48
(BEN) BEN NOHWERE ELSE TO GO - [R] BenAdam - 00:02:52
NOW YOURE OUR OWN PROGRAMOR - [R] FrankNaefFan - 00:02:57

(Sound of fire lit in front of door)

(Trolls cheering)

(Dutch troll - likely enemy of Ben - exclaiming “JA!” (“YES!”))

Unchained Ego-Melody

Based on Sweden 1982
Chips — Dag efter dag (live version)

Every time you call me up
you spin me round in circles
all I need is to be heard
but you can’t see past your own ego

Cos your ego is so big
it should have its own airport
a galaxy or “Tout l’univers”
there’s only one star in your sad play

Go take a walk
all I ever wanted was a friend
Go take a hike
you can only listen to yourself

I’m sick and tired of your mind games
and the ensuing dramas
so walk out the door
taking your ego
on the way out

It is always about you
and your situation
you’re not able to just see (NO!)
through someone else’s
eyes so that’s why

I am sending you to Hell
where you’ll find tons of mirrors
so you can stare at your pretty face
but looking back right at you is Dorian Gray

(KEY CHANGE IN ANGER/SADNESS INTENSITY)

Go take a walk!
if this wasn't painful I’d crack up
Go fuck yourself!!!
you are an egocentric piece of shit

And if tomorrow you should call me
please be advised that I will
hang up on you
then will proceed
to block #666

I hope your days in Hell are hell
while I take a deep breath
you’re out of my life
what a relief
tho Sweden 04
just Finland 07 !
so Ukraine 03 !!!
and Germany 08 !!!!!11!!!1111!!!

Sandwich

Based on Finland 2018
Saara Aalto — Monsters

Slice of bread
I'm ready to eat it
Toaster's done
And soon it's going to feed me

So I'm smearing it with butter, cheese and lettuce
Fresh tomatoes, jam and mayonnaise

But I couldn’t hold on to this sandwich anymore
Felt it slipping through my fingers as I crossed the floor
On my way to fetch some kitchen roll
Gravity took its toll
I could try to pick it up, but is it fine or spoiled?
How am I to know?

So how am... how am...
How am I to know?

Seconds pass
I've made no decision
I don't know what to do
This needs some revision

As I watch the mayo chaos
This traumatic moment keeps replaying in my head

I just couldn't hold on to my sandwich anymore
I could feel it slipping from my hands and hit the floor
Landed on the tiles and made a splat
Wrong way up, but of course
I could try to brush it off, but is it clean or soiled?
How am... how am...
How am I to know?

Ooooh...
How am I to know?

No... no... I give up, I give uuuuuuuup​

I just couldn't hold on to that sandwich anymore
Now I'm gonna pick it up and eat it, is that flawed?
But is it quite safe, I'm still not sure
Compromising might work
So I'm gonna kneel right down and eat it off that floor
Am I... Am I...
Am I scared of geeeeeeeeerms?

How am... How am...
How am I to know?
How am... How am...
Maybe I’ll just starve