Streamin’
Feelin’ like it’s such an opportune night
Tragic is the plight
Remedies all trite
I’m self-healin’
Weedin’
Readin’ through all lists, how unappealin’
What’s on HBO?
Netflix had this show, got me reelin’*
(* “The Beast in Me”, highly recommended!)
I keep going through the motions
Browse through queasy specialties
“Goon with Patrick Star or Swayze”
“Psychiatric kids telly”
My Prime leans on ad reliance (Feedin’)
Not impressed by what’s on at Disney
Not succeedin’ before Yuletide (Fortnight)
Keeping fate no longer looks pretty
* Sad, indecisive accordion that serves as background music to a montage of aimless scrolling through streaming services
(Every la represents one minute - yes, that’s 19 whole minutes!) *
Suffering at large
Screamin’
Finally found something, well done
Hissing at what I next see
“Not included in subscription”
Change my tactics readily (Stealin’)
(Every la represents one second of opening the laptop and finding the right portal - yes, that’s only 11 seconds!)
Some, they crave the buzz of jumping out of planes,
Their nights, their nights are filled with drugs that fry their brains.
But that's simply not where I would get my thrills,
Give me a quiet night where everything is still.
Euboria!
This ecstasy when all is calm,
An empty house, a soothing balm,
I'm wiping u-u-u-u-u-u-up!
Euboria!
An organized and pristine room,
Swept clean of chaos with my broom,
I'm wiping u-u-u-u-u-u-up!
I am here, flicking through a massive dictionary,
Wearily, counting letters ‘til I cannot see.
Whatever the day or the weather, I watch my clothes spin endlessly,
They’re drying and drying and drying, overcome by utter stagnancy.
Euboria!
All the vowels quantified,
The consonants are itemised,
I'm counting u-u-u-u-u-u-up!
Euboria!
The spinning stupefies my mind,
No better dullness can I find,
Eyes rolling u-u-u-u-u-u-up!
For hours, I stare at a black TV screen,
While counting the clock's ticks so mind-numbingly!
Euboria, Euboria!
I’m wiping u-u-u-u-u-u-up!
Euboria!
Where every minute is mundane,
A dead rhythm runs through my veins,
Eyes rolling u-u-u-u-u-u-up!
Euboria, Euboria!
I’m counting u-u-u-u-u-u-up.
Based on Portugal 1998 Alma Lusa — Se eu te pudesse abraçar
Lying awake and I'm staring
The ceiling stares back at me
Got my mind racing, had an awful thought
And my soul got so distraught
Life is at the halfway point
A surprising new perspective
Still so much to do, and oh so little time
Gotta run with this new insight
So I start my own band
Leather jacket, bike on hand
I tempt fate, roller skate
And redecorate my place
Join the gym, must get thin
Pick a sport, I need to win
I'll ignore my aching joints
Life is at the halfway point
Oh where did my childhood dreams go to?
Got drowned out by corporate life
One by one they shut down, I feel like a clown
I wonder: where are the laughs?
Life is at the halfway point
Think it's called a midlife crisis
And that's generous 'cause the last quarter of life
It is basically a countdown
Wanna shine, wanna thrive
Wanna travel far and wide
Open my own bakery
No more time for fakery
Buy a Porsche, make you gag
Get obsessed with laser tag
My new vigour I shall flaunt
Life is at the halfway point
Bleach my teeth and my hair
And I twerk my derrière
Favorite pic of my cat
On my shoulder as a tat
I'll wear crocs, I'll wear uggs
I might even try some drugs
Snort a line and smoke a joint
Life is at the halfway point
Waiting in the green room, I feel so damn tired
Still many songs to go, and I’m mainly bored
Suddenly there's a break, Ingvild is back on stage
She’s like a goddess of the new age
She looked at me and then said those two magical words
Hello Ingvild, robust chunk of hard Scandinavian ice
Your contempt for the Swedes is reflected in your bright blue eyes
You're the woman I need in my life: sexy with a hint of Nordic housewife
And so tough you would be able to kill a sperm whale with a knife
The show’s done, I’m free at last
Bought a dozen roses, I have to move fast
Found her in the phone guide, her house is close to here
I’ll be there soon with a giant teddy bear
When I arrive, she clearly snorts
And her face contorts
Ingvild, my dear, wanna be with you until we are old
As a sign of true love, take this ring made of steel and white gold
We can get married in Larnaca, I will allow you to invite your dad
Your parents can pay for the wedding, I want you to feel glad
*Now a small band appears and plays a romantic, yet cheesy melody while Constantinos strums on an electric guitar.*
Ingvild, my love, now you won't need to work ever again
You’ll be a trophy wife, I’ll buy you a brand new Porsche Cayenne
You’ll always have everything you need as long as you stay quiet and obey me
You'll raise my eight sons and a pet pig, my Ingvild, former Bryn
Soon you will be
Χριστοφόρου*
Based on United Kingdom 1982 Bardo — One Step Further
“My least favourite of my 3 babies was in this heat, so I'm impatient for the next.”
– Harrow, 2024
One more fuck-up and I’m out of the will :(
All that time spent on dance lessons, still lacking step-dad’s pride Both of your sisters won trophies, you’re a dancing blight
This child dance pageant scene looked like a piece of cake
When we watched Honey Boo Boo
But it’s been awful and grim, what a huge mistake
It’s all gone Harrow Boo Hoo
Once from the top then…
Constant pressure, dancing under duress
We’re still no closer to a trophy till there’s one for Most Stressed
Months we’ve tried, and not a wiggle’s impressed
Seems there’s no saving one step-daughter
If she can’t get One Step
I’ve got two anvils for feet, that’s become quite clear Well here’s one positive: let’s be glad that Bettina’s not here
(Just to be clear, she’s not dead, but she’d wish she were
If she watched our botched tribute)
Can’t get the moves right, it’s easy choreo
Legs so slow they might take root
Our reputation?
“One Step Führer” and “the wounded gazelle”
You should’ve turned around and dipped me, not just stood as I fell
Far too kind to say it’s not going well
More like a train of foxtrot fuck-ups
And piss-poor pirouettes
YOU’RE NOT MY REAL STEP-DAD!!! WHAT A STUPID PLAN!!! Win each year with some new actor? Well, not Sally Anne!!! IT’S A HOAX!!! I’ve got no sisters!!! I’m not a triplet!!! I’m just a singlet!!!
:/
Awkward silence, pent-up fury laid bare
Poor Harrow knows he was a bit mean, but he really did care
Well then… bye… there’s no connection we share 😢
We drift off stage… then…
Joint eureka!! We can channel this!!!
ONE STEP’S TURGID AND I WISH YOU WERE DEAD!!!
One whispers “turn around and kick me” - judges hold up their 10s
Waltzing tykes? They’d rather watch a hot mess
One Step murdered, there’s a shoe in the air
Bettina blasting over screaming as there’s pulling of hair
Dignified? No, but most acts wouldn’t dare
And then one takes things one step further
Than they should’ve done…
🚑
Almost perished as I flew down 12 steps Thank god it wasn’t one step further Worth it, ‘cause I won a…
One Step best friend ♥️
Based on Claudia Faniello – Caravaggio (Malta NF 2008)
I can't believe I am in jail
As a criminal I'm a fail
And it's because a small detail
Some jerk called JesMan outed me
With a Sebastian, who is he?
In some kind of lyrical spree
I am Faniello
The cruel jigsaw killer, Faniello
Rotting in prison, I have discovered a new pastime
Playing with colours, Faniello
I paint portraits, all in yellow
Of all the people that harmed me in some way
Fabrizio looks nice without head
Chris and Moira's colour is red
They'll look better after they'd bled
What can I say about JesMan?
For him I have a special plan
That includes his friend Sebastian
Fear me! Faniello!
Painting cursed pictures of your death throes:
Poisoned with cubed hogs… trampled by bullfrogs… slipped up at work…
Thought Balkan lynxes were just fiction…
Buoys exploded under friction…
Shopped at Lidl, went home Riddled with budget germs…
>:D
The guards say no more paint till I learn to behave :(
Too bad Fabrizio can’t help
Newsflash! Ira Losco
Washed up in pieces around Gozo
Killer’s still out there, means I can go home! And paint!! Huzzah!!!
Wrote to my brother, “I’m in trouble”
Hoped he’d send pencils… this is better
Deaths on canvas feel so lifeless… let’s make real art!
Based on Malta 2001
Fabrizio Faniello – Another Summer Night
Another hand washed up last week
There's murder in the air
Torn apart: a whole band
Segmented on the sand
Times Three, divided
Can’t work out where this skin goes
Perhaps on Number 2?
Comb the beach
One nose *each*
We want these girls to rest ‘n peace
Another puzzle night for us morticians
The Jigsaw Killer prowls these isles
Those aren’t Number 3’s front teeth, they’re too white
Fix that, we’ll all have beaming smiles
Dreadful crimes
Pleasant times
Best start with the corners
Can’t just plug the gaps with hair
Why’s this pile got spare eyes?
One vocal cord complete
That’s quite concerning
Number 1 is now almost done
That’s Moira’s sister – fun!
Number 2,
Not a clue,
I must analyse her poo
Another puzzle night, but it’s too much work
(and you are tired)
I will call my colleagues; one’s a jerk
(he always smirks)
We’ll have fun while assembling these bodies
It’s just one of our vile hobbies
Chiara’s here
Chris brought beer
(helps with his sister-in-law)
Another puzzle night’s like a thriller
(so exciting)
We should thank this bold killer
(all of us)
For all the hours of fun they provide us
Shame the press is making a fuss
Who’s Jigsaw?
(we will give you a hint: They are a pure soul)
I don’t get the clue
(They are a Caravaggio fan)
Is that true?
(The cops are on high alert, so you know)
(Breathlessly searching for her now)
Based on Montenegro 2026
Tamara Živković – Nova zora
Tale that is unknown.
It’s dire.
Legend untold,
now hear the
true story the two Grimm brothers stole.
The red riding hood,
Montenegrin gold.
(Montenegrin grandmas start chanting the tale)
…Little Dunja loves her grandpa Djordje (big Djo!)
Secret spy in the Ottoman Empire…
Grandpa Djo’s gotten a little old and ripe.
Djordje hides in Orja Luka,
long way from Gorica.
Ottomans have blown his cover,
Dunja has to help him.
She wears a hood– it’s red with two headed eagles.
Goes her way up, rocky mountains,
pine forest of Crna Gora.
…So it all starts…
**Dunja strolls happily admiring nature, but she occasionally feels the breath of someone watching her, until she hears footsteps on leaves and turns around in a sudden manner**
BALKAN LYNX: Where do you think you’re going?
DUNJA: What the fuck?
BALKAN LYNX: Lead me to that old man.
DUNJA: You are not to trust!
BALKAN LYNX: I’m a cute little kitty. A friend of his.
DUNJA: I guess you’re not a spy! It’s right after that hill, suppose that you can walk with me!
What the knez is going on, is this bitch real?
Does that cat think that I am this stupid?
I know this story and how it's meant to end
Once the night sets he will ask for
Help to work his toothbrush
Once I reach in to start brushing
He will gobble me up
No way, no way, no way, that ain't gonna happen
Cause I'm smarter, I'm a daughter
Of the wrath of Crna Gora
"Dunja, it is dark, can we rest here please?"
(Here goes)
"I need some help with my teeth"
(Really?)
I will help you brush, let me get that brush
"Thank you"
Open your mouth, here it comes...
My knife!
Slit his throat from inside out
He never saw it coming
Wore his skin as a disguise
To get to Orja Luka
"Djordje, dear grandpa, I am here now to save you"
He was dead, and so it ends
The morbid tale of Crna Gora
