Based on United Kingdom 2002
Jessica Garlick — Come Back

It’s been over one decade
Since my last time around here
Life made me go other ways
Be it work, leisure plans
Or social commitments, but

One Facebook post
“MB viewings”
And lockdown’s game change
Made me one day decide to

Come back (Come back)
It’s been awesome
How could I survive without this?
(Without this)

My sweet comeback (Comeback)
Such a pleasure
After all this time
Fitting in was so easy

You have touched my heart
I’ll never forget my
Comeback

We’ve had viewings every day
Loads of comments, votes, plus some bad taste
The points reveals were so great
As a host, I’ve enjoyed
The true sense of community

Oh, I’ve found so much wit
Contained in all threads
That I’m grateful for having

Come back (Come back)
It’s been awesome (How could I survive)
How could I survive without this?
(Without this)

My sweet comeback (Comeback)
Such a pleasure (How could I survive)
How could I survive without this?
(Without this, without this)

My sweet comeback (Comeback)
Such a pleasure
After all this time
Fitting in was so easy

You have touched my heart
I’ll never forget my
Comeback (Comeback)
So thanks from all my heart

Oh, comeback

Based on Poland 2014

Hey there! All aboard!

2019, Yami won, writing 'bout a woman
Whose destination wasn't quite as secret as imagined
Araby? No, that's not a place
Polish flag there on her suitcase

Lightbulb moment for the team looking for a venue
Could West Pomerania play host in 2020?
Time to scope out the voivodeship
See if it suits our championship

Early Google results showed some promise
A picturesque riverside old town
The local fish spread appeared more like vomit
But there's McDonald's a couple blocks down
Recent years saw, despite reputation
A reduction in organised crime
All in all, the ideal destination
For the host team it was flight booking time!

So for 2020 it's north-north-east to Poland
Why bother trying Syden? There's a beach there on the Oder!
Off to the land of beer and curds
Złotych obtained, it's time to board!
Little snag before we start trekking to Szczecin, oh—
Seems that Ryanair don't offer flights from San Marino
Chopper it is, time to take off
To the airport named Solidarność

~ Folksy in-flight music ~

One tiny problem when we arrive:
A pandemic has shut the place down
And we are stuck in the airport, so it seems
Can't enter Poland; no border police
But we wonder: could it work?
Empty terminal kinda sounds perf
Without an airplane in sight, this is ours
And we've got lyrics here to share, so on with the show!

We've hacked the departure boards to link them up to Scorewiz
And pasted the contest rulebook on the windows and doorways
Frozen pierogi's what we live off
Vodka made from bison grass

Port Lotniczy Szczecin–Goleniów is this year's venue
And soon we will start revealing all the songs that you sent through
Who'll take this year's alternative crown?
It's almost time to find out!

We'll soon kick off
Oh, with semi one!

Based on ¿What Happened to Spain? based on Spain 2014

Look, I perform again
Let us be honest, I was the best act of the show
I knew my talent would be a blow to you

Remember that 'Man' song, ¿no?
It failed badly
And Yami who went up and fell
Didn’t do exactly well

We had so much to gain
¡I made you proud, Spain!

Strife marked what was a crime
Runner-up Keithykat would have kicked some ass
At least they all possess some class

Relive all of the drama
Check it out on ScoreWiz or the pdf
¡Fui yo!, see, ¡WTF!

I'm glad you used your brain
¡I earned this, for Spain!

The tension was never-ending
But at the end I could slay
I've built it again, my reign
I slayed, for Spain

(Silly cow, you read the results upside-down)
¡Insane, insane, insane!
(Even Lina Hedlund knows you came dead-last)
My reign, I failed, for Spain

Came last, for Spain

Prying

Crying

Dyiiiiiiiiiiiiing

Sighing

(An epic fail)
¡At least I made the ALChive!

My result should be illegal
But one day I will be a star
Trust me, I'm completely sane
¡I’ll slay, for Spain!

Based on Albania 2004

Can’t concentrate on my spreadsheets with all your messages on Grindr
I’d rather look at your dick pics than spend all morning crunching numbers

Sat at my desk, I’m sporting a boner
Hours till lunch, need a break now
Could fake some tears @ death of grandma
’Cept that she’s died three times this month

I know I’m out of line
Your pics so clear in my mind
Can’t focus on the screen
Just watching the clock till I can pee

Loo break for me! Five minutes maybe
Need quick relief – my balls are blue
Click on your name, bulging like crazy…
Nothing to see but “Image removed”
Are you for real? I’m fit to burst here
And you delete my dreams of you!
Drives me insane! And who could blame me?
Can’t beat the meat to memories of nudes

(Are you for real? I’m fit to burst here and you delete…?!)

I’m pissed! Still hard, no time
I must unload or I’ll die
No joy from Grindr… Think!
Hot dick pics… I know! My Tumblr feed!

I haven’t been on here in ages
There’s got to be so much that’s new!
Wank break is saved, yay! No more waiting
Hang on, what’s this? Says “There’s nothing here”
Well, no big deal – there’s other pages
Bookmarks… Let’s see… But it’s gone too!
They’re all the same! Makes masturbating
harder than me. Now what do I do?

(Well then, let’s see) Let’s Google Chingiz… Yeah!
(Insta-friendly) Top half is nude
(In every pic) Guess that will do

I know it’s not ideal, but needs – they must, alright?
A hirsute Azeri will get me ’cross the line

Based on Israel 1991

Man is the source of all authority
Yours is not to ask or understand
Man possesses wisdom like a deity
He signals with a gesture of His hand

Look to Him and wait for His command

Man is as tall as He's attractive
There's no finer place than at His side
Man stands, like a statue, strong and mighty
Dressed in garments fashioned from cowhide

Wear His collar round your neck with pride

Man likes loyalty
Man enjoys that you obey
Man knows when it's time to eat
Or go outside
Man is your master, feeder
Alpha leader, number one
All that you could ever dream of Man will provide

Pride is walking next to Man in public
Happiness is resting at His feet
Man sometimes hangs back in open spaces
That's when you should guide Him on His lead

He brings little bags and hoards your sh*t

Man's security
Never should be compromised
Stay alert to risks and threats
From the outside
Man must have constant guarding
Home and garden
Day and night
Enemies go sling your hooks! Intruders take flight!

"MAN!!"

Man expends much time upon His haircut
Though of hair He's blessed with almost none
Man sometimes confers with other primates
And they don't call Him Master but Alain
("Hi, Alain!")

That's except the ones He's met online

Man's humility
Makes him such a perfect guy
Man is all the things you love
Personified
Man smells of manly odours
Whiskey sodas
Sweat and grime
On a scale from one to ten
He'd score ninety-nine
Man is a hairy chest
A muscle-vest
Your B.F.F.
You will never leave His side
What's that?
He stepped outside?...

"WHERE'S MAN??!!!"

He's back again!
Welcome home dear long-lost friend!
Jump for joy!
How great it feels
To be alive!
Man is your fine, upstanding
Frisbee-handling
Boss and guide
When a tummy's to be tickled
He will oblige

Man
He's your action hero
Idol, Pharaoh
Lord and King
He is homo sapiens

w00f
w00f

You're canine!

Based on United Kingdom 1980

Religious men run this country now
Laws have changed, the old name’s not used
And here in Gilead
My life is very bad
Everyone’s abused

“You tried to run away, up north, got caught
Now clean up toxic waste and slowly rot
Or else become a Handmaid, that’s your lot
All you can do - reproduce”

“In Gilead a Handmaid must wear red
The master here is called Commander Fred
You have to join him monthly on his bed
With his wife too”

There’s no escape from this harsh regime
Where a womb’s for the state to use
‘Cause I’m a surrogate
And there was not much else to choose

My former life’s just a memory
This situation could make me hurl
Though I’m their surrogate
I had a husband once
And a baby girl

I heard they took my daughter far away
I asked if I could see her, there’s no way
And if she can’t remember me today
I just wish they’d say she’s OK

I heard there’s a Resistance in this town
But that could just be rumours flying round
“Try not to let the bastards grind you down”
That’s what they say

There’s no escape, no way out for me
I’m condemned to a life of gloom
Unwilling surrogate
Yes I’m a surrogate, boo hoo

(But praise be…)
This very day, buying groceries
One secret package was slipped to me
I found, to my delight
Ten pounds of gelignite
Just enough for two

I’m not their surrogate
And now I’ll blow them up
Blessed be the fruit

Based on Portugal 2019

Roomie, tell your girl move over
I'm about to roll for a spell
Please man, can't you see that your foreplay
Cramps my roleplay style

An’ watch out for my dice
Gotta roll a nine...and her
Ass’s on my dice
Move it aside

And now I summon an orb of burning light

[SEXY TIME SOUNDS]

Your writhing just upset
The arrangement of my dungeon
Now I won’t get far
In the quest for the Destruction +5 Helm
To excel, I need it for my campaign

Hey, you: go into your own room and close the door.
At least move over.

At least move where I cannot hear
Oh please move over
You’re on my magic morning star
Oh please move over
You could have done this in your car
Oh just move over.

It’s super rude to not move over
As I’m trying to kill this kraken
So I can level-up my warrior
Why not go to her dorm room instead?

I check if there is a trap
Roll for a save

I cast a barrier that’s for shielding my eyes

(Anyway) done asking you to move over
I resort to dark sorcery
Using Staff of Erectile Disorder
Now I cast End Fellatio on you

[CURSED OBJECT, SPELL DEFLECTED]
Could not cast End Fellatio on you

I fail...

Based on Poland 1997

Saw this post trending after my flight
Some guy laments his love at first sight
Tried all he could to find her, but lacked
Methods to keep her track

I have reached conclusion that I'm your missed romance
That long speech describes well your captivated glance
Though to each absurd claim
May I point out that you had a chance
Don't you catch?
Could have had me, you twit

Yes, I've winked at you with my lips puckered
Signalled 'come' with my hand, are you blind?
Flicked my hair too, still you ignored every sign
And suggestion

Yes, I've been in the bathroom forever
The disabled, near gate 21
And logged into all the known straight hookup apps
Have you checked them?

Then I gave up when they called my flight
Flew all upset and unsatisfied
I needed a fling and you were right there
Now you still wonder where from I came
Am I French? (lol no)
Italian? (lol no)
Or from some made-up gulf by Iraq?
Have you watched (have you?)
My features? (have you?)
They're as Slavic as fuck

Yet you failed to guess where I was heading
Though that night there was one other flight
From Knock Airport
Szczecin - it's not hard to find
Where I'm destined

Yes, there.

Surely you could have spotted my name
In a giant font, I've had on my vest
I'm rolling a red-white Polish suitcase
School taught you no flags? Such a disgrace

Is there Darwin Awards for the singles
Who died craving for girls they can't find?
I'm amazed, dude
Some men are so fucking dumb
I detest them, I detest them
(yes, you really have got to forget him)
(move on, find an intelligent guy)
That said:

Just in case you're
Willing to give one more chance
Friend requested

Based on Sweden 1985

♫ (Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh) ♫

I was invited for a date
But I was running late
I had nothing to wear
I looked inside my bottom drawer
And there I found, behold
An item I bought last year

Strap it on, push them up
Add two AA batteries
Close the hooks, good to go
And I’m done

It’s just a bra playing schlager
Matching music to my mood, oh yes
So underneath my dress
I’ll wear my bra playing schlager
Tiny speakers on the areola
And I think, if he will be impressed
I might get laid

♫ (Ailulu ailulu) ♫

The dinner really went quite well
And nobody could tell
From where they heard the music
To muffled tunes of Waterloo
We kissed beneath the moon
And then it switched to Shirley

Uber back to his place
Cleavage played “...die Brücke geh’n”
On his bed, something said: Jij en ik!

It’s just my bra playing schlager
Activated by my body heat
When he took off my dress
He saw my bra playing schlager
Playlists range from Sev to Carola
Honestly, who wouldn’t be impressed
By my tuned breasts

But later that same night I made one big mistake
I said that he could try it on
And now I’ll never know if it is me he likes
Or if just my schlagerbra!

He wears my bra playing schlager
Nearly every night and every day
Like, when he “meets a friend”
He wears my bra playing schlager
Who’d have known it’d be so popular
‘Cause each night, while I’m alone in bed
He’s getting laid

♫ (Boogaloo, Diggiloo) ♫

Based on Denmark 2007

It was the systemic mass-extermination
Of half the Armenian nation
All discussion of it’s banned by Turkish law
Though it’s First World War
Feelings are still raw

The Armenian Genocide
1.5 million people died
Or no-one at all
If you ask in Üsküdar
The Armenian Genocide
Nor pars were chopped off left and right
And all the jan jans set alight

Starting in Abdul Hamid II’s rule
Pogroms were committed that were cruel
One can mourn with candles, even plant a tree
Or most solemnly
At the ESC

The Armenian Genocide
1.5 million people died
All were very old
Scholars say in Ankara
The Armenian Genocide
Spread diaspora far and wide
To write vague songs about their plight

The Young Turks’ objective:
No names ending “ian” in sight
Not exactly a Turkish delight

The Armenian Genocide
1.5 million people died
From Sivas to Van
All used to be Hayastan
The Armenian Genocide
Spared just 400,000 lives
That’s why it’s wrong to trivialise

Doh-oh-ohn’t deny (nuh-ny)
Armenian Genocide