Based on Sweden 1962
Inger Berggren — Sol och vår

He asks if I’m sure it’ll fit down there
I tell him he can stick it anywhere
He says not his place though, he lives with mum
And really that’s no place to bum

His dirty pictures on my mobile screen
Concealed he’d rather keep his bedsheets clean
If only there were someplace in between
I guess I’ll flick my own damn bean

“Can you accommodate?”
Is what they always say
They’ve all got reasons why they pass
I can sit on his face
But not his brand new chaise
In case I’ve got a leaky arse

You’re thinking, “Inger, why not your place then?
For getting fingered by parades of men?”
Well I would say it’s plenty, is it not
To let them in my honeypot?

I’ve had whole armies storm my hinterlands
Tie me in knots and stuff my mouth with pants
Positions that would make a pornstar blush
But once they cum, they all must rush

“Can’t you accommodate?”
That’s what they always say
And it’s a big wet load of parp
Finger me till it gapes
But fingers off his drapes
He tells me just stay on the tarp

First conversation, hopes of real romance
Until he sends a close-up of his glans
Asks would I mind doing him and his eight friends
Not one can host but they’ll attend

“My floor’s too slippery, it’s just been waxed”
So has my taint, I guess our plans are axed
“My wife might come home, but plan number 2
I know a skip where we can screw"

Why can’t men open up?
I won’t piss on the rug
Just in their face, over the bath
But who needs walls and floors?
I’ll take my fun outdoors
It’s back to dogging at the park

Based on Georgia 2012 [live]
Anri Jokhadze — I'm a Joker

If you work hard, they would tell me
Life would reward you, treat you fairly sweetly
Won’t be easy, a meritocracy
But I’ve seen it’s all bollocks now,
That I’ve grown up

Wha wha what’s your problem?
Wha wha what’s the matter
You you you’re a drugs fiend
Mad mad mad as a hatter

I’m a toker, I’m a stoner
Roll it baby, skin up baby, 420, 20 20
I’m a hashhead, I’m a pothead
Got no gear, I’m in tears baby, fuck this and fuck you

I’m a junkie and a drinker
I’m a lockdown Prozac sinker
Imma roll, no self-control, fuck me and fuck this

I’m a cokehead, all bravado
Crystal meth aficionado
Addict and a substance user
Imm-a-mphetamine abuser

I’m a toker, (he’s a stoner)
For the right fee, (kidney donor)
Got no grass, got no weed baby
Fuck it, fuck it, fucketty fuck, fuck it

I know my needs, (likes the weed)
Must get higher (so resistant)
Imma speed dial my supplier
Need my gear, get me gear baby
Fuck sake, (Fuck sake)

Pass me my box so
I can forget Brexit is happening
Fuck this, fuck that, baby
I must have sedation
Please don’t patronise me, oh fuck no no no

Imma skin a joint up and smoke it strong poppet
Fill my lungs up, nail those narcotics
I’m fucking flying… oh God

I’m a toker, I’m a stoner
Soon to be an ex-home owner
When Imma hammered, nothing matters, I don’t care, I don’t care
Just let me be
Don’t upset me with shit reality
Fuck that and Fuck this
I’m done here, I’m done here

Based on Germany 1998
Guildo Horn — Guildo hat euch lieb!

Dildos can be for kids
But not quite how you might think
That’s why we named this D.I.Y. video
“Dildos Can Be For Kids…
...How?”

Disaster awaits
When you leave for a holiday
But then your child lost the doll grandma sent her
Dropped it in the blender

Just take your grande
And then craft a perfect substitute
Glue some hair to the tip
Draw on eyes, paint on lips:
“Barbie’s now an amputee”

Dildos can be for kids
They won’t know something’s amiss
So here’s more simple tips to convince you
Dildos can be for kids

(Show us how, then)

There’s no need for new toys
‘Coz dildos make perfect building blocks
Matchstick legs, and you’ve got little ponies
Melt them to make play-doh

Time to go swimming?
Take a few of those inflated types
They will make a real nice
Cool flotation device
Strap them to your baby and dive!

Dildos can be for kids
See these small ones made of steel?
They make quite joyful sounds when you beat them
Make some music for kids

(Play it louder!)

?????

You want one more child
But just can’t afford another bed?
Get your vibrators out
Use some duct tape and knots
Build, build, build a vibra-cot

Dildos can be for kids
This long one, a pogo stick
Now we hope that we have you convinced that...
Dildos can be for kids

(There’s no doubt now...)
(There’s no doubt now...)
(Dildos can be for kids!)
(There’s no doubt how...)
Oh, dildos can be for kids
(Say it louder!)
(Dildos, perfect for kids!)
(Say it louder!)
Yes, dildos can be for kids

Based on Portugal 1996
Lúcia Moniz — O meu coração não tem cor

I’m sat alone here in the Kingdom of Corona
Where all the people love to walk two metres apart
This hirsute tale won’t be an epidemic groaner
It’s rather to recount its original start

All the storywriters love to tell lies
Name’s not Rapunzel, no it’s Petrosinella
Not one of the journos tried to serialise
That as a child I…mis-abused mozzarella

Yet some truths gave this myth its power
I’m in the penthouse of this tower
And speak of but one thing (I even sometimes sing)
To ask of passers-by (from this window high)
“How do you lift the curse of bad hair days?”

Well, comb away, comb away, comb away
Do be gentle when you stroke, best to start out near the tip

Using your conditioner of choice
Pouring in some drops of Argan oil
Work it through with fingers or a brush
Soon you’ll get your hair de-tangled

Starting as you say, I take the plunge
Up and down the shaft I squeeze and pull
’Til I feel soft warmth from down below
From words like “Let down your long hair”

Corona’s laws are very odd and complicated
Controlling all you do and where to go, who to see

That’s why this tale was defiled and adulterated
With hooey like kidnap at the age of three

‘Coz when your elevator’s often offline
Then you are forced to…whip up some countermeasures

It’s rude to leave your callers downstairs to dine
When you’d prefer to…discuss my secret pleasures

Like to relieve mid-morning boredom
I love to strum my lady organ
And let my brain adjourn until my thoughts return

To ask of passerbys: Can you please advise…?
Your tips to vanquish horrid bad hair days

Yeah, comb away, comb away, comb away
Now come on, you silly bint
There’s much more you have to say

Since you’re quite restrained, we’ll tell the world
That your Herculean rigmarole
Doesn't concern hair that’s on your head
No, each day those pubes of yours get mangled!

Fair dos, it was once upon a time
Voices sang “Do tell us the gossip’s true”
“Please let it go now, we’ll climb aboard”
It’s thick, long, uncut (downward angled)

Though it looked dog-eared and well-perused
With her Kama Sutra as a guide
Wise Elsa finessed my bits and bobs
While Olaf got my muff all tangled

Hey!

Stop the presses! Rumpelstiltskin stayed the night!!

Guess who needs all her hair de-tangled?!

Based on Poland 2019
Tulia — Fire of Love (Pali się)

So unfair, so unfair, we've been set up

Citizens of Flanders, think we have a problem
Worse than RTBF, or AVROTROS
We've had thirty entries, six times finished last place
Always looking foolish, we're at a loss

VRT, VRT, this is a crisis!
How can we ever restore Flemish pride?
Even years, sabotaged by unknown forces
Losing our rightful place in the top five

Only explanation: Francophone collusion
Cooked up by our rivals in "Charleroi"
Louis Neefs tried twice but only finished seventh
Samson underrated, Straatdeuntje robbed

Callier, Callier, could have redeemed us
Even though some might say he was an arse
Contest was voided to our consternation
Now we can't show the world Brussels is ours

Laura Groeseneken, changed her name to Sennek
Still she couldn't progress from semi one
Bob Benny had planned for two tremendous stage shows
Undermined twice by French cost overruns

Hadise, Hadise! Represent Belgium!
Dum Tek Tek would have been better in Vlaams
Je t'adore: Effortless, classy kniezwengel
No encore. Eight points short. Just three from France

Barbara Dex, loved that dress. Lisa del Bo
12 from Spain, then the pain when plagiarised
Axel's voice clearly was loved by Ruslana
But no chance, snubbed by France, did not qualify.

Based on France 2019
Bilal Hassani — Roi

Met a miss
Stunning blonde with two gorgeous tits
And it seems that she likes me, a bliss!
But there's one little problem: she's Swiss
For a Swiss
Obsessed with neutrality
Life in every regard has to be
Completely split equally

She asked me on a date, Japanese barbecue
I had salad rolls; she - their finest fugu
Then she had champagne
Yet my bill share had to be half
This is a nightmare

Aaargh! I don't wish this on anyone
I work nights to keep debt down
She has never worked hard, not once
Billion Franc heiress fribourgeoise
She won't flinch from demanding rights
On half of my beauty mark
For equality's paramount

Have a vlog of my own
Where I talk goss and vogue
More than two thousand fans
Tune to watch some Bilal, but
Tutoring's done
When she sees it's half-time
She breaks in, talks about
Emmentaler and mooing cows

I've a wig
Without which I just cannot sing
And it's almost time for my gig
It's not there, means she took it, I think
Why did she?
Just because it's 'hers' four days a week?
Has no thick darkish curls to conceal
This craziness cannot last
Why do I keep her?

That old witch just had half my pint
"We came to a middle ground"
And she doesn't like beer, so why?
Can't be worse than this if she tried
Carol Rich is a parasite
Her cruel fifty-fifty count
Is depriving my civil rights

Yet the hoggish Carol
Still has all of her gold
She'd refuse to divide
Her rule does not apply, but
Soon day will come
I'll receive half her sum
Her great wealth will succumb
There's a way I can take her down
And this is how: (how?)
I will ask her to be my wife

Based on Ireland 2019
Sarah McTernan — 22

I said 22 on the first date with you
An age you’d buy into
I felt forced to write that in the dating app
Like it’s common to do

Oh I know the truth will always come to light
But that time saying less felt right

When I told you I’m a student and I will graduate soon
That I’m living with my parents and I have a tiny room
That I’m clubbing every week and I’m staying out till noon
I lied there; I am 32

Baby, now it’s true
I am 32

I’m not 32, that's a big pile of poo
I must be frank to you
I’m positive that when I can explain myself
You’ll get my point of view

Oh I know the truth will always come to light
But that time saying less felt right

When I told you I’m a waiter and my contract ends in June
That I’m living with four flatmates and I have a tiny room
That I’m more or less a geek and I still sometimes play Doom
I lied too; I am 42

I am 42, yeah
Baby, now it’s true
I am 42

I’m a businessman
CFO in a big enterprise
So I own quite a spacious flat
With gym and spa

(When I told you I’m a student and I will graduate soon)
Can’t believe I said so much shit
(That I’m living with my parents and I have a tiny room)
I don’t go out, I don’t play, have no hobbies; I presume
I’m too dull to be 42

(When I told you I’m a waiter and my contract ends in June)
I was lying, no, no, no
(That I’m living with four flatmates and I have a tiny room)
Well I lied here too
I’m not 42
More like 52

Based on Spain 1988
La Década Prodigiosa — La chica que yo quiero (Made in Spain)

Sporting star, in truth unparalleled, I’m standing tall
Fight, leap, run, shoot, box like a hero
I had plans to dominate in Tokyo, win it all
Can it be true, I must wait yet one more year?

Training in vain can be hard, I don’t rest
In all thirty-three sports I continue to persevere
Training in pain - yes of course I’m the best
But I’m training in vain, no Olympics this year

Greco-Roman wrestler and a diver in the pool
Breaststroke and backstroke and polo
In dressage, I’m horse and rider and I never fall
In team events I triumph alone

On the bars I’m quite fantastic, parallel and asymmetric
Judoka and cyclist and fencer
Tennis star? Nadal can’t beat me
Play rugby sevens solo and I win just the same

Training in vain, and I know what’s to blame
The Olympics were stopped as they knew I'd win all the medals
Strain and disdain, and of course low morale
But all sport’s my domain and I won’t disappear

(Let’s make it plain, yeah?)

If they won’t let me stay ahead
The next Olympics will be in my backyard instead

Games in the rain! In all sports I excelled
Lit the torch from my stove, and the flame’s a DIY structure
Space was constrained, and I did rather well
Threw the discus so far that I felt something rupture

I burst a vein
Broke window panes
Neighbours complained

Based on Belarus 2019
ZENA — Like It

I see they’ve added up all the phone votes
Duncan the Dutch man won
Beat Europe's musicians
(Tamta was one)
No non-Greeks voted for that song

Arcade musically ain’t the worst
The Dutch fans are no longer accursed
Seems men there are taller
(Duncan’s 6”1)
But not made for HD

Where will we next duel?
Somewhere remote – Arnhem?
Heard Utrecht is cool
Or maybe Leeuwarden
Delft would be fine too
Or even Urk
I’ll go anyhow
Please clarify

Think it might be Maastricht
Yes, I heard it’s Maastricht
(In Limburg’s bumhole)

Yes, it’ll be Maastricht
Definitely Maastricht
Don’t wanna go!

Who came up with Maastricht?
Seriously Maastricht?
(Cesspool on the Meuse)

How can it be Maastricht?
I can’t cope with Maastricht
Jon Ola I refuse

This seems shady, a logistics crime
Did they rank the bidboeks upside down?
Do they have an arena?
(M.E.C.C.)
Dilapidated cow barn

No. Foul play must have let this come about
And Vrijthof Square is an eyesore
You say there’s an airport
(Just Ryanair)
I’d rather pull my teeth

Boo, hotels are full
Airbnb, brother
Seems they’re overbooked
Then seek lonely farmers

Nightlife is subdued
Climb Vaalserberg?
It’s just a bump - No.
Dissatisfied.

Venue is a tad shit
Hardly any fans fit
(It's Queue-It high noon)

Day trip out to Luik then
Preferably Aachen
I hate Walloons

Check out the gay district
Riddled with ex-convicts
(With ghastly hair-dos)

Things come into focus
Fanzone plans: atrocious
I can’t stand André Rieu!

It’s ninety-six miles from the sea
The River Maas, it stinks of wee
This might as well be La Belgique

Please just anywhere else

Ahoy would be best

Only an hour from Schiphol

The nightlife’s adequate

Oh, Maastricht just will not do

Need some way to stop this
Listing out the options
(Judicial review?)

Think I'm gonna like this
Eurovision cancelled
Things start anew

Somewhere new to host it
Don’t ask Penn-te Strake
‘Cause she won’t refuse

Just say no to Maastricht
Anywhere else: perfect
Rotterdam? I approve!

Based on Hungary 1995
Csaba Szigeti — Új név a régi ház falán

I once climbed the Chomolungma
Made my countrymen so proud
Shook the hand of Dalai Lama
Photos for the World to see
Every memory
A photograph, they are the proof that I have lived
This life of mine
Every photograph reveals
Truths so dark you simply can't fathom

Cured the sick of Mozambique, and
Fought alongside tribal men
Found the lost city, Paititi
Nessie, and the *sigh* Holy Grail
All these photographs
Perpetuate all my memories
For all time, eternally
Every single photograph
Is ruined by a truth so repulsive...

I had... had something in my teeth
God damn, right there in-between
Oh why... why did I chew on poppy seeds?
Oh no... my nasty looking smile
God damn, it looks so fucking vile
Should have... done a closed mouth smile instead, moron

It's on... on every fucking one
God damn, no photo that has none
Fuck my... fuck my life eternally

God damn