Based on Norway 1972
Grethe Kausland and Benny Borg — Småting

We’d been together a year or so.
But I’m a slut.
I just can’t see men in the street
Without dropping down to my knees.

One day I happened to come back and hear
Rapturous moaning,
With men queuing up holding beers.
So, I sat down on a chair.

Cucking, cucking,
Observing from the…
Cucking, cucking,
Chair in the corner.
Cucking, cucking,
Keeping the flame alive.

Cucking, cucking,
Servicing boners…
Cucking, cucking,
Muff for a krone.
Cucking, cucking,
Keeping the flame alive.

One night we hit the town to snare a handsome chap,
Who we badgered to come back to our abode.
We stripped off all his threads and threw him on the bed.
Time to grab the chair and just sit and stare!

Oh! Cucking, cucking.
Public poonany.
Cucking, cucking.
Penchant for bukkake.
Cucking, cucking.
Keeping our love’s flame alive.

We’d left the door ajar to let the air flow in.
And our pastor walked right through to our bedroom.
He gasped at our shag-fest, he grasped hard at his chest.
Dropping to the floor, then he was no more!

Oh cucking, cucking,
What a disaster!
Fucking, fucking
Murdered the pastor.
Cucking…
Now locked away for life.
Now locked away for life... now locked away for life…

Cucking, cucking, cucking, cucking.

Based on United Kingdom 1970
Mary Hopkin — Knock, Knock, Who's There?

© 1980 Johnny Logan and Mary Hopkin under license from Robert Palmer © ™ ®

* Based on actual events

* Possibly offensive to almost everyone, proceed with caution.

“Mary sweets, please let me in cos I just found your smelly panties on the bus floor”
“Fuck you Johnny, I’m wearing them right n…oops…they must have fallen off…forget it because I am…

Knocked up…again!
How could this even happen?
Did you have the Vaskt Shest Toh Me?”
“Mary…I did! Went to the downtown clinic
and had the Tonshi Telc Toh me!”

“I’m with child, and for the 13th time, I haven’t touched a dick at least since Sunday!”
“Oh My God, let’s call the Pope in Rome, it’s what Those Churches call
Emasculate Contraption!”

“Dafuq is that??”
“It’s when a Spirit fucks you”
“What Spirit, where and when and how?”
“Don’t really know, I think its name is Holly or it might be a Friendly Ghost”

“Wait a sec, I’m having many cramps
oh no I think I’m gonna Miss The Carriage!
Now I know how the panties got lost
a hot jock took them off so he could fuck me”

“You cheap whore!”
“Who did you just call cheap?
I’m an expensive drunk
but you pop pills like Tic Tacs!!!”

“Mary…you’re right
we have to face our dictions”
“Oh Johnny, additions! We have tons”
“Rehab…it’s time!
but first let’s have a party”

“You get some oxy and I’ll bring wine…
…and…
…take off your clothes and cum inside”

*I didn’t mean to offend anyone, seriously. To prove it, here’s the inspiration for the song: Robert Palmer’s “Johnny and Mary” which is anything but offensive with its melancholic and moody feel.

Based on Sweden 2016
Frans — If I Were Sorry

Most fans give me rubbish, not a B&B
Free house in the Pyrenees! 🥳
Been a long day moving…

🧱 Mira l’interior 🧱

What the fuck was that?!
Heard someone calling, but no-one’s here - I’d notice
Must be ‘cause I’m tired… 😴

🧱 Mira l’interior 🧱

Oh god, I’ve lost my mind!! 😵‍💫
Checked the house, all doors are locked
Did I maybe leave the TV still on?
Nope, it’s still boxed

A voice calling in my brain
Just when life had gone to plan 🙁
More craziness to hide
Lest I become “that nutter Frans”

Best just ignore it
Forget all this by morning
The walls weren’t talking! 😄

🧱 Mira l’interior 🧱

Shut up walls, I haven’t lost it!!
I’m just exhausted!!
Unless… you’re haunted?
Woah 😦

I called my friends, prepped the séance room
Unpacked the snacks, but the ghost didn’t boo
Maybe now it’s over…?

🧱 Mira l’interior 🧱

Too late, you missed the séance 😒
Those nuts and Twiglets are long gone
Crossed to your netherworld

🧱 Mira l’interior 🧱

Perhaps it’s just the pipes…?
Sounds so odd, but might have clogs?
In the morning I should ring a plumber
Pipes might need a flush

It’s just loud plumbing 🥴
I’m choosing not to worry
Of course it’s nothing…

🧱 Mira l’interior 🧱

Who’m I kidding? It’s not stopping
The walls are talking
Poo 🙁

I wish they had to put up signs
When buildings have poltergeists
S’pose it’s partly me to blame
That fan had crazy in their eyes

With homes this old, it’s no surprise
From ancient 2005 😵
Guess I’ll just learn to live in fear
Or act as if there’s nothing there

That crack needs caulking…

🧱 Mira l’interior 🧱

Do I hear knocking?! 🤯

🧱 Mira l’interior 🧱

There’s someone walled-in!!!
A dusty golden siren
Hold on whilst I smash this wall!!!

🧱 Irradia pow? 🧱

You’re safe now, lady! 😀
Freed from that wall cavity!
Want a cup of tea?

And then we’ll rescue
Anabel Conde too 🙂

Based on Germany 1980
Katja Ebstein — Theater

Emails from Katja Ebstein have been mass-released
Their revealing contents have since spread around
Between redactions you can still make out a lot
My inspections I now share with everyone

There are many names renowned from the Grand Prix
If you dare to find out more then, read with me

Stefan Raab [[REDACTED]] E-Rotic no doubt
After he won the NF
Joy Fleming [[REDACTED]] while sat on a couch
Imprints were more than overt

Peter, Sue & Marc [[CENSORED]], when the Swiss let them escape
Observers said they're quite the charming threesome
When Paola [[REDACTED]] she chuckled and smiled
Left that banana defiled

Guildo Horn used those cow bells, but the image has been blurred
So the viewers can't observe, where Horn those bells inserts
Ireen Sheer wearing stockings, and showing off her legs
In front of Children, Kinder and Enfants

Mister Fisto [[REDACTED]] though not wearing any gloves
[[REDACTED]] is Lou's true fantasy
Euro Cats [[REDACTED]] while surfing the web
Maxi's poor teddy bear's [[BLEEP]]

Ralph Siegel [[REDACTED]]
(Well that man was prolific)
Bernd Meinunger too
(And they were joined at the hip)
With double-ended [[ERASED]]
(What a terrible mischief, they even got to Lys!)

The Kelly [[REDACTED]]
(Paddy knew that his sister)
incested, of course
(Just wanted to be loved)
[[CENSORED]] fucked Cindy and Bert
(The married team came last in both contexts)

Corinna went blind in her eyes
(Acidic, acidic)
When pissed onto by [[PERSON X]]

Based on Denmark 1995
Aud Wilken — Fra Mols til Skagen

I bought it online
For its Nordic design
Supposed to come from Denmark
Birthplace of The Seebach (Tommy)

As I opened the box (surprise!)
I was in for two shocks (why?)
There’s nothing in Danish
And everything’s greyish

My watch, brand Skagen, comes not from Schengen
It’s not from Jutland, nor from Gry-land
Shipped from North Carolina
Its parts had been produced in China
Its brand is clearly European
Its designers Korean
(That sucks!)

Then, I e-mailed their helpdesk (well done)
Told them it is grotesque (go, girl!)
That’s false advertising
Calls for an uprising

Let’s boycott Skagen, from Lyon to Bergen
Let’s start a riot, just don’t be quiet
I’ll fly to Dallas, Texas
In the airport, I’ll hire a Lexus
I'll sneak into their office later
Don’t say I am a hater

I’ll stalk the boss
Complain that their approach is so gross
Don't stop until they change their brand name
To something new like "Fort Wayne"

Danish people
(From Mols to Skagen)
Will see me as their one true hero
(From Brixx to Sissal)
As, from cultural appropriation,
I’d saved our beloved nation

Based on Turkey 2008
Mor ve Ötesi — Deli

Bacteria, how they outsmarted us,
ain’t got a mind or a heart.
We humans thought we’d kill them off with drugs.
Worked for a hundred years.
But now we’re out, got nothing new to use,
no fancy trick up our sleeve.
And they creep on.
They’re moving on.
We stand in awe.

Staphylococcus, once not a foe.
Turned MRSA, kills all ICUs.
Clarithromycin now is a joke.
Cephalosporins, all reduced to smoke.

Gory microbes have worked a system out,
to minimize our drugs.
For instance, they activate efflux pumps,
plasmids, change binding sites.
The question is, would they develop these
with or without extra help?
It is our fault.
We fucked it up.
Here’s what we’ve done:

Doctors prescribe meds for viruses.
Patients think sore throat -> amoxicillin.
When they have to cure a UTI,
don’t complete the course…

We write this off as niche “I don’t need a preach”.
A topic somewhat cruel, a pain in the ass.
I’ll bet you a dime, it has effect.
On every breath.
A hurtful chain.

Intermediate or resistant.
Not susceptible, we got acronyms.
M/X/P DR, levels of fail.
People vs Germs.
Score is 0-1…

 

Medical Abbreviations Board:
* MRSA: Methicillin Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus
* ICU: Intensive Care Unit
* UTI: Urinary Tract Infection
* MDR: Multi Drug Resistant
* XDR: Extensively Drug Resistant
* PDR: Pan Drug Resistant

Based on Germany 1962
Conny Froboess — Zwei kleine Italiener

I am dying in this office
Thinking how to kill (the time)
Then two-step authentication
Sends a shiver down my spine

Two-step authentication
I log on with my passkey
But immediately after
I’m asked to hone patience skills

Two-step authentication
Chagrined and malign
Why am I the one to suffer?
This is unjust and so vile
But two-step authentication
Knows no mercy by design

I feel like such a wiener
When distrust spikes and causes pain
The system just gets keener
“Authentication failed”

Two-step authentication
A lesson in hide and seek
It always gets me quaking
When I’m without my phone near

Two-step authentication
One cannot decline
Sighing at the situation
Surely this should be a crime
But two-step authentication
Is for “safety”, how divine

I feel that I get meaner
When I have to authenticate
Affecting my demeanour
Enabling seething mode

Two-step authentication
It’s time for a killing spree
Without all needless drama
Shoot Dave first, then Annely

Two-step authentication
The crowd, they go wild
I’m arrested for manslaughter
Why can’t I just pay a fine?
But two-step authentication
Made me end up on cloud nine

It’s weird but I’m a hero
Fans call me “No-Authenticate”
Official merch is here now
Proceeds, merci, they’re mine

Based on Ireland 1992
Linda Martin — Why Me?

🎵 Soft rain 🎵

This night
I hear rain weeping at my window

And this night
The wind is keening through my eaves

And this night
Now the moon is full:
Its light breathes me awake

This night
I sigh and contemplate the seasons
Of life and how they twist and turn around me

And this night
In these wee small hours

A glint shines, like a friend
That comforts me:

White teeth

All moulded by our expensive dentist

White teeth (White teeth! Ooh…)

I know they’re false but you’d never guess it

At night they come out like stars
Beside me in a jar

White teeth

I see at once, as myself revealed:
I’m old

This night
I watch the clock: Has it stopped ticking?
I listen to the rumbling of my arse

But this night
You’re not lying here
Beneath this bright moonbeam

And I wanna scream

Why him?

He wouldn’t hurt a fly: Tell me, really

Why him? (Why him? Why...)

It can’t be true but I must accept that it’s him
Who’ll never be holding me in his arms again

And driver why

You couldn’t see my love in your pimped up headlights?

That night

Why him?

I ask this question but get no answers

Why him? (Why me? Why...)

“Time heals”! What cruel joke! I can’t believe it

These thoughts keep lingering while
The moon shines on his prized

White Teeth

It’s all I have: the spare set of his
White teeth

White teeth.

Based on Bulgaria 2026
DARA — Bangaranga

Reach that star
My Jenga tower will go far
I will always raise the bar
Come and see my wonder

Build it high
I'll make it rise up to the sky
I've got talent, I won't lie
And it's all because I

I, I, I, I got my Jengafing-

Jengafinger, Jengafinger, Jengafinger
Got my Jengafing-
Jengafinger, Jengafinger, Jengafinger
Got my Jengafing-

Wave goodbye
Make the Eiffel Tower cry

I, I, I, I got my Jengafing-

(Cause I) Got my Jengafing-

Record-holders? I will chase them
I play Jenga, to erase 'em
I'm my finger, when I flick it
I don't tinker, when I jig it
Add one to the, to the top
Poke another block
You've got, you've got butterfingers, hun'
I would leave you stun'd

All thumbs-trash
Would make my Jenga tower crash
That's why it's a solo dash
Just me and my finger

I, I, I, I got my Jengafing-

Jengafinger, Jengafinger, Jengafinger
Got my Jengafing-
Jengafinger, Jengafinger, Jengafinger
Got my Jengafing-

Time to fly
Burj Khalifa's dream will die

By my Jengafing-

By my Jengafing-

(Cause I) Got my Jengafing-

Down at the base, I can feel it wobble
Less skillful fingers would make it topple
But I, I
I've got a sniper's eye, eye

With my Jengafing-

Jengafinger, Jengafinger, Jengafinger
With my Jengafing-
Jengafinger, Jengafinger, Jengafinger
With my Jengafing-

Ask me why
And the answer's "Why not?"

I'm on Red Bull, when I Jenga
I'm so hyper, a viper
When I knock one, knock one out
Put it up on top
Every turn I'll choose another block and poke it out

With my Jengafing-

With my Jengafing-

With my Jengafing-

*CRASH*

Based on United Kingdom 2025
Remember Monday — What the Hell Just Happened?

Twenty twenty-two
It started out so well but
Ferrari, all in red, would soon be blue
Always spinning, never winning
Charles Leclerc's like:

What the hell, Verstappen?!
What the hell just happened?!
That's why no one likes you

Broke a wheel, lost a wing, scraped the paint
When he drove straight into my rear
Oh, what a clown, I don't know how on earth
He's had a number one career
Look, there’s no doubt:
He refuses to keep it clean
Causes controversy

What the hell, Verstappen?!
What's up with this madman?!
Forced me off the track, unprovoked attack
Lost it all in 2 0 2 2
Watch your back, Verstappen
I'll do better next year...

What a mess, we regressed, so much stress
No progress, got stuck in first gear
Him, he had pace, that smug face won every race
And me? Just sweat and tears 💦
Feeling I’d rather have been dead, oh
Wishing that my car wasn't red, oh
Thinking I want to punch his lights out

Wait!
Huh.
What just happened…?

📱
WhatsApp from Verstappen

Now I'm at Verstappen's
(Wow)
Let's just see what happens...
(Who knew?)
It’s crazy but it's true
Says he thinks I'm cool
And he likes me that way - woo-hoo!
(Only one thing to do)

Maybe soon we'll meet again
Spraying our champagne
In the cockpit or pit lane?

Now I've had Verstappen
I’m starting to like him...