How I dread all these days of melting away
Sun is beaming her rays, eternal shine
When all temperatures rise, I feel such a yearning inside
Hide in the shadow, go and hide
Since I was but a child life's been unfair
Never got to go out, white bitch beware!
Skin turned red in a flash, remember the way I felt fried
Hide in the shadow, go and hide
Tired of sunscreen, SPF 50
I feel so greasy, like lard
So out of reach
A day on the beach
I will stay inside
Or I'll die
Tried a tanning bed once, terrible thing
Came out sizzling, a well done piece of meat
I'll be glow-in-the-dark, forever so UV deprived
Hide in the shadow, petrified
Wear a kaftan and hat, it's fashion
But where is my parasol?
My parasol
I'm hysterical
Help, I'm gonna cry
Cause I'll die
See the signs
Read between the lines
Guess I can't deny
I'm a child
Of the night!
pain is what I notice
in your sad blue eyes
a storm’s brewing in them
are the seas really rough?
and the wind is howling loudly
while the waves are crashing in
running down your cheeks in a river of tears
( storm is passing, winds die down you’re now on shore, feet on the sand you are safe but you still need to cry)
hey you, look up
the reflection of the sky is in your eyes
now you have light
it will guide you in your bad dreams
when you roam those lonely backroads late at night
facetiming your best friend
with your loving dog beside
he says “ I know that you are hurting
those eyes simply can’t lie
don’t worry about those tears
they’ll be your gate to the world
and from now on just remember
that you’ll always be seen”
( silence is a thief, it takes your voice so fight it now by saying all their names out loud their stories count)
“ hey you, you are seen
there is loss and pain and grief in everyone
let someone in
and if they reject your tears
come to me and with your eyes we’ll tell the world:
be seen, be seen
he needs to be seen
is that too much to ask?”
( even though the pain can feel too heavy at times to carry around, the story is now engraved in your blue eyes)
hey you, it’s me
I can see those sad eyes staring right at me
do you know why
cos the mirror doesn’t lie, and those eyes are always looking back at…me.
*Dedicated, with all my love, to all those lost souls who, like me, have wandered the world for far too long under the weight of loss and grief, ignored and misunderstood. Your stories count and *I* and hopefully many others, see you <3
Author’s note: This AL belongs to the same universe as: The Condiment Girls (ALC 2023). If for some unimaginable reason you are not familiar with it, you are strongly advised to do so before trying to keep up with this.
(Stirring things up, a formation from the Balkans…)
(Don’t go closer!)
(Fatal showdown: Sauerkraut, Ketchup n’ Mayo)
You should prepare yourselves!
(Oh no!)
Older, fewer, taller, not so creepy.
We’ll be stealing the crown of Balkan novelty acts.
In concern of our name, don’t you hurry.
We paid agents to search the market absence.
No more boring sauces.
Erase condiments all over:
OMEGA 3, we’ll make you see that we’re sharks of trash pop!
Big triple threat in the fish can bands area.
Agent is Sam Salmon.
Our identities
will keep you hooked like fish.
Pun intended, Sauerkraut’s a bozo.
D’you think Ketchup’s hair is real?
Dyes it with real pig blood,
she drinks some nom-nom.
That ugly cow Hot Sauce,
she went bonkers with our agent Salmon!
(And flashed a hobo!)
(uh-oh-oh-oh)
Sonja’s my formal name, call me Tuna.
Cause wherever I go, I’ll be stealing the show.
Sardi short for sardine, eat all of me.
Vitamin packed D, E, B and slightly chewy.
Ancho from anchovy,
cause I smell like bad baloney.
Names done, bigger fish to fry kick sorry condiment ass!
No more trash talk, we will settle this for real.
Big fish in a small pond,
booked a brawl with them,
right after their big tour,
which was something called the Ohrid BurgFest.
We’re in battleground Pristina.
But they don’t know we paid
secret informant,
Sour Cream hates their guts.
Gonna use it all to our advantage!
(All their weak spots.)
ONE, TWO, GIRLS COME ON!
(Hair extensions)
(High heel boots on)
(Lip enlargements)
(Tuna kicks at Mayo’s bad knee...)
Thinking they’re perfect together,
stopped before they even got started!
Sardi fights Ketchup n’ Hot Sauce.
Ketchup has haemorrhoids,
will have surgery.
Hot Sauce is partly blind.
Sardi stops cause fish goes well with sauces.
Ancho barfs on Sauerkraut.
She sees the others hug,
helps her clean it up.
All seven now group form,
brainstorm names that they can be called…
“ring ring” Oh fuck who’s calling at this hour!
a radio contest? and a guessing game?
Cool! I’m in! And what should I guess?
“a movie title, and the hot lead actor
and a weird substance that is coming from deep space”
ok, gimme clues!:
“Save the planet
Thinking of “Barbie”
And don’t forget your face”
Astro Narco
one of the Hemsworths
and Covid 19
Did I get at least one thing right? So can I go on?
Astro Nauta
with Liam Hemsworth
and Covid 26
I must confess I went to see that movie
but on my way I saw a hot blond jock
who, shamelessly, was up to mischief
forgot the movie when I saw his boner
and he’s been here between my legs ever since oooh
Astro Nasa
one of the Ryans
and Waves from The Big Bang
AstroPargo
with Ryan Kwanten
and X Rays from the sun
Hey, am I still in the running? What did I get right?
AstroEmbargo
with Ryan Hansen
and alien Gamma Rays
Even though the blond jock’s mouth and right hand
are busy right now
with the left one he is pointing at pages of one of my books!
AstroPhausto
with Ryan Eggold
and a huge meteorite
AstroPhargo
with Ryan Reynolds
and Project Almanac
I am throwing a Hail Mary and see where it lands!:
Ryan Gosling
hotter than ever
and let’s say astrophage
Preterm birth
Not even named until I cried
No Greek names said my midwife
Called me Vangeliya
As a child
After a whirlwind flipped me high
Operations on my eyes
Couldn't save my vision
(eye eye eye eye)
Born in Ottoman
Baba Vanga, Baba Vanga, Baba Vanga
Macedonian
Baba Vanga, Baba Vanga, Baba Vanga
Then Bulgarian
Yet my sight
Found another way out
(eye eye eye eye)
As an oracle
(Eyes, no) I'm a soothsayer
I'm a mystic, I'm a healer, I'm a psychic but not Grecian
A diviner, crystal gazer, fortune teller, I'm a seer
From across the Eastern Bloc, people all show up
Baba Vanga - tell me my outcome, use your gift for good
Media
Until this day they love to cite
Use my name and my insights
To share my predictions
(eye, eye, eye, eye)
Here are some of them:
Second World War, Sub disaster, Gandhi's murder
Here are more of them:
Boris Yeltsin, 9/11, and Obama
Vanga strikes again!
Prophesied
even Eurovision
(eye, eye, eye, eye)
Just Bulgaria
(Baba Vanga....)
My prerogative
(Baba Vanga....)
(eyes, no) I'm Bulgarian
Water not rain will secure the top 5
Poli will be robbed then commit a crime
Yeah eye eye
Then Beautiful will rise, high
Most importantly
Baba Vanga, Baba Vanga, Baba Vanga
Sofi M's hairband
Marinova Marinova Marinova
Will fall off her head
(Stage takeover, stage takeover, stage takeover....)
Roll the stage and anoint the winner
Eva Boto? Nina Badric?
I'm a psychic, but not psycho
Sofi Marinova's band it has other plans
Swedish Loreen is the queen it seeks, it's her destiny
(eyes, no) Baba strikes again!
(Baba Vanga, Baba Vanga, Baba Vanga, Baba strikes again)
(Baba Vanga, Baba Vanga, Baba Vanga)
As for Dara's win?
(Baba Vanga, Baba Vanga, Baba Vanga, Baba strikes again)
(Baba Vanga, Baba Vanga, Baba Vanga)
(eyes, no) I did not see that!
Based on Lithuania 2026 Lion Ceccah — Sólo quiero más
There once was a
Poor boy who's been
Called home right after school
On weekends, weird church stuff
But can it get more cruel?
Next I'll share some horrific ordeals
If you're squeamish, don't scroll down
I can show you a case of criminal neglect
Some denied food by their parents
Confined inside all day
Life-long scars, lunatic mothers on alcohol
Prolonged pain endurance
But one suffered worst of all:
X Æ A-12 Musk, name like when your cat walked on the keyboard
A Norwegian complicated tax form (Applying for a petty refund)
Read the Snellen Chart:
Only likely place you'd see that name on
Insult in Botswana if you speak ǃXóõ
A doctor's note
Stock exchange shorthand
Motor plate, Iceland
..A nondescript galaxy left unheeded..
..Predefined bluetooth SSID
Phone keeps trying regularly
Pairing through the thin apartment wall..
X Æ A-12 Musk
Squeal you make when stepping on a Lego
Budget airline gate num at the airport
(Passport control, then walk twenty miles)
Soap ingredient
3-D Battleship square code in Klingon
Meaningless text message from your aunt's phone
(It's never locked, makes calls from her bum)
Boy is screwed for life
(Trauma that can't be erased by doctors)
Life is just unfair
(Evil parents have carte blanche in name laws)
Try to get through
(Premium therapists with all his dollars)
Phone assistant refused
("Can't book with such name, computer says no")
Harshest child abuse of all
Based on Yugoslavia 1990 Tajči — Hajde da ludujemo
*Svetlana takes a running jump and dives*
Then that splash, it was curtains for me
I somersaulted over but my closing was shit
There’s no chance for a prize in the pool
Bad mood, I splashed away
Reseen slow on the monitor
Here I’m prising pretty tricky goggles on
Frame by frame in unending strife
Big screens all recording my mess up
How did I not notice my open costume?
My breasts are breaking loose!
Slowly on screen
Buoyancy way misjudged
Total nightmare
Showing them ten-foot wide!
Apparently, I’m saying no to safety
Climbed up the highest stairs
Nigh on eight feet
Holding the rail be damned
Shown now panned out
Undressed as I took flight
Nervous hush swept up all around me
Then someone footed over, barking “cover your bits!”
In the fracas the scores had come through
Dragging me to last place
It’s been months since that awful day
Dreams of diving split half-twists still dogging me
Driving near where it all went on
Greeting me a board marked “Diving slut”
White as a sheet my hands are moist and twitchy
Why were these costumes here?
Oddly busy
Was it supposed to be?
Cloak and dagger
Curious, I parked the car
High on alert I wandered tentatively
Past semi-nude people
One winked at me
“Oh, you’re the spit of her!”
Shocked, but by now
I guessed what’s going on…
*porn star re-enacts running jump and dive*
Hollered on cue, she wore a token nightie
Fluttered as she flew down
Oiled and ready
Gorgeous but crucially
Doggy paddle?
Won’t miss a chance like that!
What do you know, I’m in that soaking outfit
Nothing not seen before
Coy yet heady
Voyeurs' new poster child
Photogragh signed:
Miss Swimorovara
Hehe x
Based on Romania 2003 Nicola — Don't Break My Heart
Did you ever board a big public bus?
Twice a day for nearly each and every day and night.
“Didn’t mean to pry but do you know what’s the next stop?”
“See the fuckin’ chart! I have my earbuds on.”
Swear that wasn’t me, just some huge jackass.
Serving small dick energy that cannot be bypassed.
And that lady wastes a seat for her enormous bag.
I just hate this bus, turns out I’m gonna cry.
Walking is too far, taxi not cheap.
Carpool not for me, I cannot skate.
I never learnt to drive,
cause I find it way too scary.
Writing all these off, I’m left with the bus.
Maybe in some years metro, it takes time to construct.
Freezing or too hot I still stand on that same bus stop.
One year of my life in combined waiting time.
Giving my seat to all the elderly.
In the meantime, wondering just why they’re on the bus.
I respect that they got chores, like going to the bank,
but it’s 6 a.m. stores are not open yet.
Gen Z is way too loud, speaking in slang.
“Low-key, no cap, it’s giving sus”
I turn my Tetris on,
cannot comprehend the sayings.
Feeling all alone in these days.
Driver brakes abrupt, as I fall to the ground.
People staring right at me, face coloured with disgust.
Then like a rom-com you came and lifted me back up.
“Hi, my name is Bart.” Oh, you had me at hi.
Turns out you were there, sharing the same bus.
You were way too shy to come engage in a small talk.
Picking me up changed our fates, love works in ways like that.
Till death do us part, this is how I complete
our wedding vows.
Lamb kidneys, marmite, gelatin,
white beans on toast, scones, clotted cream
That's what you British like to call cuisine
and deem yourselves supreme...
Eastenders, Pointless, Doctor Who
and Antiques Roadshow, nothing new
A boring routine Brits are stuck into,
so here's what you should do
Join the EU!
We're dynamic, hold the future in our hands
Innovation, we are the pioneers
Join the EU!
Get a seat back at the table again
Drink German beer and greet our queen
Join the EU
and your labor shortage soon will be resolved!
Easy travel without a border queue
And cheaper food!
Have our dairy products served once again!
Eat feta cheese, enjoy our brie
It's only now that you agree
that Brexit brought you misery
You need the mainland and our harmony
So pay this giant fee
Join the EU!
Join our union, travel wherever you want
Pack your bags, it will be a deja vu
In the EU
there is zero border friction you see
So welcome back, and never leave!
Join the EU
But there's one condition vital for success
For our pleasure and for your own good health
The BBC
needs to reboot, only then you might see
a Eurovision victory!
Baghdad, 1258. The Mongol hordes are descending on the capital of the Abbasid Caliphate following a series of provocations from its ruler, caliph al-Musta’sim. Led by Hulegu, grandson of Genghis Khan, they are set to sack the city, killing hundreds of thousands and quite possibly bringing the Islamic Golden Age to an end. Two hapless locals, Hamza and Sulaiman, ponder what they stand to lose – and how willing (and able) they are to defend it…
Based on Moldova 2026 Satoshi — Viva, Moldova!
Sulaiman
I’ll tell you one thing, for starters – they’ve opened up the trade routes.
Samarqand… Kharkhorum… All the way to Cathay.
I once tried these white things from somewhere over that way.
Called lishis, or some such. Very nice they were, too.
And then there’s the way they’ve reformed the postal system.
I’ve heard that from Rus or Shangdu or Buqara,
a missive, god willing, will reach us here in Baghdad
in less than three months now. That quickly! It’s unheard of!
Hamza
That’s not what I’ve heard! Or rather, what I’ve heard is much worse.
Quick post and trade partners? Ha! The truth’s much darker.
A caravan from Tabriz was in the souq this morning.
They told me the so-called ‘Pax Mongolica’ is bollocks!
Sulaiman
Huh!
Flashback:
Doom-laden merchant
“Mongol hordes, wielding swords, kill and rape and pillage,
conquer all, level every town and village!”
Sulaiman
I would have thought that, on balance, was taking things a bit far
because of, at most, a minor disagreement.
And surely, in our case, the Mongols will see reason?
Their beef’s with the caliph – not innocent folk like us.
Hot-headed but ham-fisted Hamza strikes a pose.
Hamza
We will give them what for!
And we will go down fighting!
Sulaiman
Steady on, Hamza! Let’s hope the Mongols
rein in their bloodlust and come to their senses.
Who even knows if they are quite that ruthless.
Market-stall gossip! Come now, I pray you.
Geez, you think that blood, devastation,
death, war and horror are what is fated?
It surely won’t be as bad as all that now!
Come on, let’s ask this soothsayer.
Soothsayer
Dead cert: a massacre.
At worst? Genocide.
More likely androcide,
where they kill you guys.
Not you specifically –
all boys and all men.
Either way, here they are now…
And…
Hamza
You yellow bastards shall not pass! You see? I move for no man!
You’ve cut off my arms but I will do you for that!
Is that it, you chickens? You’re done with me now, I see!
You milquetoasts! You cowards! We’ll call it a draw then!
You pansies! You think that by cutting off our legs you’ve
deterred us? We’ve had worse. Nothing more than flesh wounds!
Mere scratches! Have at you! ’Cause we will do our duty
till you’ve had enough of invincible Baghdadis!
The Mongols ride on, slicing and dicing as they go…
