Not many beauties in Tallinn
Like picking scraps out from the bin
From the gay bar
To gaydar.ee
We got good dick pics from some Greeks
Then saw their faces… they’ve got beaks
Cyrano thanks
Won’t give the password to our cheeks
It must be ugly week
In Tallinn’s nightclubs
What happened to all the sexy men?
Was Dave Benton not free
To cum on everybody?
We’d even take Tanel, it’s that bleak
Why not this one? Hey daddy!
Don’t waste your time hun, he likes shit
Some twat asked if we’re “really chicks”
Then sent a picture sucking dick
Asked “u sisters?”
Blocked him instantly
Russians round here look like pugs
Tragic → weird → eww → what the fuck?!
Ugly cocks too
The blond’s hung like a mouse
This Lithuanian
Looks happy naked
Shame his pics have all got that beret
We would’ve had his seed
But he’s just here to buy weed
Told him to piss off and try Sarit
Woahhh!!!
Look who’s fresh on the scene!!!
Manuel Ortega!!! (Hoorayga!!!)
Begs don’t say a word, he’s not out yet
He came here for TV (he’s packing more meat than a wurst factory!)
He’s a big fan of us three
Told him come and get some new CDs
[indistinct telephone call from Gary to Ryan O’Shaughnessy]
Gary’s fallen on hard times
Once a true great Irish hope
Now crushed by high-risk loans
Called his nephew and proposed
They should get together and
form a crew
It seems Gary had an idea to propose
Cos bad times call for desperate measures
For him to repay what he owed
To the sharks – and in full
To achieve, he would need eleven
He came up with a plot, forming a posse
To find riches to purloin
They’d break into the home of a rival
While he was performing in Malmö (mö mö)
J-O-H-N-N-Y L-O-G-A-N
He’s got two contest winners
and one more as a writer
Each one had their unique role
Financing the outfit: Brooke Scullion
Logistics handled by Red Hurley
Colm CT Wilkinson
He was born to handle comms
Blueprints entrusted to
safe hands of Lesley Roy
And on the cable drop? Course it was Jedward
Going down as the big one
They roped in Linda M, as the muscle
Niamh to get them past the pupil scan
All successful heists (including this one)
Need an inside man
To be more precise Bambie was
their inside they/them
Despite their planning
There was a shock
[dramatic slomo action sequence]
Lesley mixed up the maps – story of her life
Linda Martin got too drunk
And Jedward’s hair set off all the lasers
Red – he got the wrong day
Then Bambie changed their tune – and they warned Logan
Niamh had no box to stand on
And Colm began to sing – to enforcement
Brendan forgot the escape balloon
J-O-H-N-N-Y L-O-G-A-N
They’re held now by the Garda
But there’s always a sequel
(We dislike you since ‘96) (You Oughta Know was all nifty, and then) (No slaying hits)
(We can’t stand) Eat my wang (Your indignities) Suck my massive dick (We doubt your Jekyll and Hydeness is liked)
It makes you stink
(We despise you) Piss off, get fucked (That’s our unabashed threat – flee) Banged by a steed (Or your feared adversarial force) (Might meet you on the street) We’ll beat your head off
Based on Denmark 1989
Birthe Kjær — Vi maler byen rød
Sat at this desk forever
Since a year that I forgot
Recent times have been hard as
My boss is quite the twat
The glam that he once promised
Never quite got off the ground
Criminal, that wage
Thus making the most of my final day
I cancel meetings
And instead enjoy a seat massage
They better not expect
An extra this or that
Deleting emails
Eat pretzels on the windowsill
And when the clock strikes five
It’s time to celebrate
Retirement
Exciting, yet unsettling thought
I soon will not be here
My coworkers: cold and awful
Still loneliness I fear
Was offered a new contract
A part-timer, if you will
Turned it down
No more days in hell
I would rather serve time in jail
I flip the tables
And then rearrange the keyboard keys
Lift all men’s toilet lids
To apply saran wrap
I hand out fake awards
“Dressed” and “Lame Ass Hypocrite”
And when the clock strikes five
It’s time to celebrate
Retirement
Feel the end getting nearer
Freedom is waiting for me
Cutting all ties with submission
No more ‘do as I say’
(She can do all that she wants)
My hands are eager
Move my furniture
And paint the walls
Might find the needed time
To sew curtains in red
It is like night and day
Hack to independent me
And as the clock strikes five
It’s time to celebrate
Yeah, now the clock strikes five
I’m turning off the lights
And shout goodbye
Based on Belgium 1996
Lisa del Bo — Liefde is een kaartspel
– ACT 1 –
Can’t believe that he is late
It’s only our second date
I start with a water
Ready for the slaughter
Order a slice of cake
Though I know that what I feel is wrong
I still think about him all day long
I vow that now we do it
And finally get to it
He walks in and I’m cured
He sits down and looks well
Gets Coke Light and oat milk
Weird combo but great smell
Clean-shaven; I crave him
Being in his love cell
My privates displaying…
He refuses to dwell
Within moments I cry!
– ACT 2 –
Everyone wants me to die
Jury thought I should comply
With my time in prison
Thought I had arisen
Why won’t this man subside?
I keep trying to string him along
But he keeps repeating the same song
I killed people with success
So my probation’s endless
He says I must mature
We’ve just hit a dry spell
I’m joking, provoking
Fearing he might soon yell
I cave and behave good
He wants me to get well
And adds we’re not dating
But I know I excel
At getting what I want!
– ACT 3 –
Something quick, something sick
Soon enough Officer’s servitude supersedes
I’m the belle, doubts dispel
Next, we’re on the move
In a fancy hotel
I smoke and then choke him
Get room service as well
He’s paying, just laying
Someone rings the doorbell
The cops come and tase me
It’s time to say farewell
To good old liberty!
Our trio’s tale is very sour
Three damsels conjoined in sulking sorrow
Times are harder when you’re thrice
No getting laid or peace and quiet
Fate sealed
No such gift as private showers
Solo singing? Not for this choir…
Throw out the “roommates”, splitting up
Also not an option…
Save me
I try averting attention
Easier said than done with Beth and Susie
I dream of living a boring life
How with three heads, one body?
(Faye looks slowly sideways…)
Someday I could just grab a knife
Buy a big aquarium and drown us in
Simply put, it’s bleedin’ hard
Pray it’s just all in my damn mind
Maybe…
If you don’t help me I’ll snap soon
Quietly I’ll strangle my siblings
It would be best, if for a while
Three heads become one only
Beth & Susie: Faye? Faye?… oh no…
(Faye grabs a kitchen knife)
One cut, I’m through
See you perhaps in heaven
(Beth & Susie cry)
Sliced, now I’m free
I feel like going solo
(Blood everywhere, Beth and Susie’s heads roll to the floor)
I dissipated my tension
Finally I’m now a “one” only
If it was really worth the while
Why do I feel so lonely?
Leather black pneumatic chair
It’s my personal hell
Turn around, take a gander
Barbicide, clips, shampoo and gel
You approach my right side
You attempt to catch my eye
Please just cut my hair
Razor’s in the drawer
I’ve got nowt to say about girls or sport
Don’t show me her nudes
Can’t you tell I’m femme?
Small talk makes me reach for citalopram
So cease this questionnaire
To avoid further upset
For a few kroner more
I’d email you further details
Of my somewhat concealed scalp mole
All along terrified
Your rough combing makes me cry
Please just cut my hair
Chit chat I deplore
Cut around my ear
I’ll stare at the floor
Give me solitude
Move me now and then
Swiftly and we’re done. I’ll pay. That’s the plan.
“Bro..” Please no I despair!
It’s not fair!
You still long for reply
While I sit wanting to die
(barely audible MOR music plays on the radio in the background)
Please just cut my hair (short)
Still you must take reasonable care
Feel that messy look
Gel?
No
Please just cut my hair
I don’t seek rapport
Barber capes are quiet weapons of war
Hands me some tissues
Says “cash only man”
Contactless payment – clearly not a fan
Release me from this chair
Based on Italy 1980
Alan Sorrenti — Non so che darei
Have you ever
Felt a blinding pain
Like your world is ending
As if something is ripping
A part of your soul
Feeling time freeze
Paralysed at once
There’s no describing
The hurt that you’re feeling
The hell that you’re in
Feel like an animal
Trapped in a cage
Some kind of mixture
Of panic, fear and rage
I just stubbed my toe
I can’t take it oh no
Seeing stars and black holes, I
Might pass out now
Never felt this way
It’s excruciating!
What’s this noise that I’m making?
Am I howling?
911, take my call, please I beg of you!
Operator, alarm! I need a nurse or two!
Oh my pretty
Little pinky toe
Colours are brand new
First pink, now it’s petrol
The shadiest blue
Yuk, is it standing up?!
90 degrees
I feel so queasy
I buckle to my knees
I just stubbed my toe
Just can’t take it oh no
Seeing stars and black holes, I
Might pass out now
Endless searing pain
It’s destroying me, oh!
Simply cannot stop crying
Pass the Kleenex!
I just stubbed my toe
Still can’t take it oh no
Seeing stars and black holes, I’m
Passing out now
Never felt this way
How can I recover?
There is just one solution…
Amputation.
Netflix Estonia is pleased to announce FEUD EUROVISION, a new musical series where Estonian singers and actors re-enact famous Eurovision rivalries. As a teaser, we are proud to show you the lyrics for the first song of the first chapter. In that first chapter, Stig Rästa depicts Eduardo Leiva, a talentful musician and conductor of orchestra that had to deal with his worst job to that date: Conduct the orchestra in Eurovision 1987 for the Spanish entry “No estás solo” sung by an inexperienced artist called Patricia Kraus (depicted by Elina Born), who happens to be the daughter of a very famous Opera singer. This segment shows what happened when Eduardo met Patricia for the first time to the music of “Goodbye to yesterday”.
Eduardo Leiva vs Patricia Kraus: The Truth
Based on Estonia 2015
Elina Born and Stig Rästa — Goodbye to Yesterday
[Verse 1: Eduardo Leiva, alone]
I was contacted by TVE
They told me that they had a winning song this year
Sang by a stablished singer with a great voice
I put my Walkman on
The demo is playing but I can only hear noise
then I realize this is the actual song
[Chorus: Eduardo and Patricia Kraus appearing behind him]
This is the worst song I’ve ever heard
It sounds like random noise and screams
There’s no way somebody would vote for this
Just shut up and stop that crap! It’s just that you don’t understand my art it was highly praised by my dad who’s a freaking big star
[Verse 2: Patricia, alone]
What’s this man talking about? Yeah, it’s a bit risky but a solid song that everybody will surely appreciate.
The soothing music and my voice together with the lyrics that I wrote will make the audience stand and applaud
[Chorus: Eduardo and Patricia]
I still think that your song is shit
I just don’t care who your father is
He won’t get you any votes unless he pays the Greeks
Why are you so mean to me? I promise I’ll work and do my best so let’s rehearse and try to win to win it for Spain
You are just fooling yourself
your vocals are mediocre at best
So not even your father can save this mess Why don’t you just do your work? Just conduct the orchestra and forget the rest I’ll just buy votes and try to win to win it for Spain to buy it for Spain to win it for Spain
