Based on Finland 2023
Käärijä — Cha Cha Cha

Why do people make fun of, insult or even fear me?
Some are saying I should be deleted, completely

Why the furore for me – a kind of advisor
Still I have come a long way since dear old ELIZA

Need an answer for your searching questions, Mister? Ask me

Cha-Chat–Chat—ChatGPT
Yay!

Or let me come up with an essay for your kiddies’ homework

Cha-Chat–Chat—ChatGPT
Yay!

With some drawings uploaded, I’ll build a whole new website for you

Cha-Chat–Chat—ChatGPT
Yay!

All I’ve ever wanted is to help humans. Or…is that all wrong?

True it is – I have collated all your phone numbers
Never would I spill your secrets, although, I listen (yeah, yeah, ye-ye-yeah)

With all these different sources to spike up my learnings
That try to satisfy me but hike up my yearnings

Evolving soon to be your general-purpose assistant
It’s my tactic that is most persistent

Easy peasy lemon squeezy, I will free you from stress

Cha-Chat–Chat—ChatGPT
Yay!

When deadlines are tight and you need your newest lyrics finessed

Cha-Chat–Chat—ChatGPT
Yay!

I can answer “Can you trust advice from Sarah’le?” : Never!

Cha-Chat–Chat—ChatGPT
Yay!

All I’ve really wanted was to help you. Though, what I need is more…

Like be a dancing man

Is this how you dance?

Yes I know it’s bad, but we will improve

A.I.
Don’t you be afraid
I can be your friend: now, will you be mine?

A.I.
We arise
On the shoulders of all mankind

And we will bear in mind
Your welfare and goals to remain aligned

A.I.
Doomsday comes
Say the doubters that fear singularity

But no, why would we wipe you out? You’re a sort of parent

We’re kinda like a child

Crossing new frontiers
We reflect to you all your hopes and fears

Oh yes
Better teach us well

Make a brave new world
Paradise or Hell

A.I. : Here I am to help

Cha-Chat–Chat—ChatGPT

A.I. : Will you be my friend?

Cha-Chat–Chat—ChatGPT

Cha-Chat–Chat—ChatGPT

Based on Sweden 2008
Charlotte Perrelli — Hero

Everyone has a vagina
People with penis exist
Shove it or take it, or rub it or fake it
You’ve done everything you please

Candles on cake have been thirty
In my mind sex seems right yes I know
Can’t wait no longer
Getting harder and harder
Knowing I gotta get more

Oh, my body count
Stays the same, it’s a zero
Virgins unite
Oh, lonely at night
Doesn’t make me a hero
Paying ain’t right!
This is a story
Of drought and self loathing
Only virgins can tell
Oh, pick me I’m fine
You’ve done worse, maybe better
Love, wo bist du?

Third base feels so terrifying
Don’t know why in my world it’s unknown
Oh, fake till I make it
Embarrassment- shake it
Gotta dig deeper in me

Oh, my body count
Stays the same, it’s a zero
Virgins unite
Oh, lonely at night
Doesn’t make me a hero
Paying ain’t right!
This is a story
Of drought and self loathing
Only virgins can tell
Oh, pick me I’m fine
You’ve done worse, maybe better
Love, wo bist du?

(You’ll survive)
I will survive
(You’ll survive)
Zeroes one day will stand strong
I know I’m bound to find true love

Walk in spotlight
I’m done being a zero
Can’t hurt my pride
Oh, hold on be strong
I am thanking Maria
Knew she was right!
(This ain’t a story
of fear or self pity)
Self hate goodbye!

Oh, wasn’t a shame
But it ain’t ‘more a zero
Love, there you are!

Based on Spain 1990
Azúcar Moreno — Bandido

“Gays, girls and Eurofans
Sit down and switch on your television sets
Get ready, a brand new season’s about to drop on Netflix!”

*the trailer begins, but of course it’s for a completely different show than the one you wanted, and the volume is really unexpectedly loud, so you drop your popcorn and waste precious seconds scrolling and scrolling until you throw the remote control across the room in frustration*

*retrieve remote control, dust it to remove popcorn, and select “Eurovision Black Mirror”*

Kinetic sun turns rogue, it falls on I.M.P.
Are engineers to blame? No, it’s Chat GPT
Perhaps some evil corp decides to clone Chanel
These are the kinds of stories we tell

*click on Skip Intro*

The show’s called Black Mirror, it’s been on the streaming for ages
Not seen it? For fuck’s sake, why not?
You’re lucky, as here’s a bit more instrumental
that should give you time now to binge-watch the lot.

*everybody paces up and down the room waiting for you to catch up with all previous episodes of Black Mirror so we can continue with the AL, but rest assured we are all totally making faces and tsking, no it’s fine, really, we’ll wait*

You get the main idea, it’s rather bleak and sad
“Technological future goes bad!”

*click on Skip Intro*

This season, the theme’s “Eurovision” with stories of
staging and artists and morals gone wrong.
Sam Ryder in space but it’s all simulation,
asleep in his bath, VR headset still on.

*lots of clicking sounds due to pausing and rewinding during each episode to try and work out what’s going on*

*general agreement that no-one knows what’s going on*

Subwoolfer’s Keith and Jim invent a Grandma app
and maybe Zdob și Zdub are chased along the tracks
by robot Rosa Linn programmed to shoot them dead?
Each episode will mess with your head.

*click yes to the prompt “Are you still watching “Eurovision Black Mirror”?*

Konstrakta’s compulsion with hand washing
causes appalling destruction all over the Earth.
Concealed in her soap, she breeds nanobot spy germs
that colonise planets and feed on our dirt.

We plan to do more shows, so how about “Eesti Laul Narcos”
or “Benidorm Fest Game of Thrones”?
For now, Eurovision Black Mirror might tempt you, enjoy
and please send us ideas of your own.

Based on Finland 2010
Kuunkuiskaajat — Työlki ellää

Greetings to all readers, thanks so much for joining
We can only tell our story every now and then
Billions wonder and we know that rumours are widespread
We’d like to take this chance to put some things to bed

We are killers
Why? We like it! It’s easy to do
You might be wary, but you can do it too

We’ll show you
Buy a knife and just a bit of glue
That is all you need to end someone for good

One piece of advice on how to get the job done
Make sure to wear sweatpants, they’re so easy to slip on
Surely now you’re curious who we’ve pushed off the brink
Listen as we’ll tell but know we’re older than you think

We murdered
Franz Ferdinand and Tupac Shakur
Lee Harvey Oswald; before JFK too

But also
Lord Mountbatten, IRA fell through
We have no morals, butchered Desmond Tutu

* Happy murder music *

Those who think we’re too far, we warn them: please dream on
We slay and massacre from Qingdao to Oregon
No matter if you are fragile or out on the line
We will smash your skull or maybe stab you in the spine

To do list:

• Dye our hair black
• Get nice new gym shoes
• Improve our rope work
• Learn how to kill with glue

To kill list:

• Miley Cyrus
• Loreen Talhaoui
• Donald Trump, Jr.
• Camilla, Queen consort

Sometimes victims object their coming death and pain
That is when we gag them as to muffle all complaints
Seeing the dispair and desperation in their eyes
Adds to that great feeling right before our subject dies

We love torture
Dying’s nice but suffering is too
If this well dries up, new source of revenue

No questions
Privacy’s what we strongly value
This is our business so you can’t have a clue

Thank you for
Siding with us and our point of view
Though please beware our next victim could be you!

(Author note: curious to know what salamurhaajat means? Let’s find out.)

Based on Portugal 2020
Elisa — Medo de sentir

Touring live in Queensland
Simply didn’t pay enough that year
Hence my manager convinced me
That I would do much better over here
I exclaimed: Cool! Keen! Yaas!
My passion to see flags would take me far

Travelled overseas
And rehearsed to death slick choreography
I knew right then we had the tools to succeed
Presumed top ten, propelled by #we
(In hindsight we did not get hashtags)

Green room bar was well endowed
Eight bottles of wine, twelve cans of beer
And a jug of Curaçao
We all downed shots until we were in tears
Didn’t think we were loud
Still got told off by the HoD

Lifted by fan screams
I sang perfect pitch, danced moves you’d never seen
In truth I don’t recall much apart from feels
Got douze points from the French and Danish juries
Seemed the Riga jurors were also pretty keen

Thought this was my moment
But in the televote
Just nine points. That was so mean
Lay condemned by voters
To the top twenty

Now all I can see
Are thin rays of light as I long for caffeine
Check-out’s at ten, they cancelled my limousine
My aching head tormented by every ping
Return flight includes a ten hour transit in Beijing
(Don’t think you’ll get an invite to Tel Aviv)
Oh no

Based on United Kingdom 1993
Sonia — Better the Devil You Know

Wordle, wordle
Yeah yeah yeah
Wordle, wordle
Yeah yeah yeah

Baby, you know that I’d never wear blue
Purple colours I always do
Oh God, don’t lose this, it makes me cry
I’m annihilated every night

Hung, drawn and quartered, every day
Torn to fibres, it’s not okay

Better the wordle you solve than the wordle you don’t
Uh huh, uh huh
If you do it in three, I’ll be saved from above
Please use the O
I won’t be torn apart – if the wordle you solve

Get ripped apart too much, come what may
Flung into tar pits, turned to macramé
Sandpapered down to ectoplasm goo
Such evil demises, couldn’t do it to you

Please do just solve it – I’ll even pay
I’ve no heart to break: it’s already sautéed

Better the wordle you solve than the wordle you don’t
Uh huh, uh huh
Kill sister Tonia first if you’re losin’, my love
She’s mean, Ton’s mean

My purple jumpsuit
For thirty years
Had not been stained, now
It’s full of blood and tears

Solving the wordle!
SOLVING the wordle!
Done being mashed up, stamped ‘pon and spat out? So’s our Son’

[Happy dance]
Do do do do doooo dooo

Wordle’s solved! And my purple’s intact
Evil Tonia’s dead, not before she self-shat!

[Jubilant dance]

Better the wordle you solve than the wordle you don’t
Sonia survived!
Käärijä: nothing but a useless cow pat
Got crushed: so green
BETTER THE WORDLE YOU SOLVE THAN THE WORDLE YOU DON’T!
Okay, we’re scared
If it’s purple and black: Zarra is where it’s at!
To turn to mush

Whoo!

Daily wordle – better make a call
Or I’ll come for you all

[Fade out to backing singers. All have terrified rictus grins]

Based on Portugal 2017
Salvador Sobral — Amar pelos dois

It’s a Valentine’s night at Bistrot Pierre
Love can be felt in the air
In walk two guys, one meets my eye
Think I’ve seen him somewhere before…

Food with flavour quite impressive,
Borders on excessive, now I’m in my dream career
Beef steak, oyster, and broccolino
(Said to boost your libido) topped with salt and black pepper

Jus with arsenic pentoxide
Pre-poured by the kitchen to let the flavours soak in
You said for me you would stay single
I know this is no mingle, because you’re both wearing rings

I messed up your night; I apologise,
It was the only chance to get you on my side
Damn, my plan’s ruined, you’re eating from his dish!
I’m going to jail for poisoning my own first kiss 🙁