Based on Ireland 1972
Sandie Jones — Ceol an ghrá (live version)

*an Englishman walks into a bar*

Think that imperial Britain abused you, no – you’re wrong
Stop saying “mam” - it’s “mum”. Children of Lír’s dumb. Leprechauns!
Where has the Magners gone? You call it Bulmers? What?
Good afternoon. How do you do. Your accent’s raw!

Transubstantiation. Schooled by ghastly nuns. You’re just odd
Good rugby? Seriously? Rejected Kiwis form your squad
From Oughterard to Bray. Place names no-one can say
Rains like monsoon. Inopportune. Made Murphy’s Law

Why can’t you see Europe’s taken your sovereignty
But you could be free if you’d just re-submit to our King
Cork smells of pee. Londonderry
And your uileann pipes cause ear pain

Does PR-STV aid good policy? No – it’s flawed
National income? More like tax haven. Overdrawn!
Football here makes no sense. Fisting in sport is dense
Your native tunes give me the blues. Cease the bodhráns

Sadly my name is not Her Majesty Victoria
What? Reparations? Cruel mass starvation? Not my fault
Let them eat bairín breac. Looks like scones, tastes like crap
You can’t impugn, you silly fools, we won the war

Never cared for the craic. Give us Spike Island back
Hurling is cack. The Union Jack shall fly once more

Based on Switzerland 1997
Barbara Berta — Dentro di me

All know
I have a talent
Knowing what's inside us
Can see one's concealed undergarments
Tell you who's lacking good judgement
And shame-award them

Start with Carola
Twenty layers laminate
Taped to her middle
Cassock washed with holy water
Protects her devotional honour
Keeps her vajesus safe

I nominate
Mariella Farré's
G-string that's made
Of piano string lace
Ingvar Wixell's
Ab-scent journelle
Worse yet, Piera Martell's
Laced with iron cowbells
She got from Appenzell

[ shaming trumpet ]

Also
Patricia Bredin
Has one-size-fits-all pants
Aska slipped on a mesh made of cable
Meant to resemble switchboard operator girls
But looked like a fishing net

Corinne Hermès
Gift-wrapped pelvis to breast (tasteless!)
Christine Minier
In her Sunday PJs
Patrick Juvet: bridal bouquet
Taped across his derriere
Hopes he'll marry someday

Lotta Engberg
Stuck chewed gum on her waist
She had no say
The sponsor fees placed it there

Corinna May
Had by mistake
Put her facemask down there
Straps felt like underwear
Easy error to make

Not those.
Worst of all factly
Must be yours truly
See, Swissair have lost all my cargo
So I had Alla's wig borrowed
Put it between my legs

[ shamed trumpet ]

Based on Iceland 2008
Euroband — This Is My Life

You might remember Debbie Scerri
That all she wanted was to fly
But there’s one thing I’m sure you don’t know
She was, all the time, capable of human flight!

No word of lie! She was born with bat-like wings
Hidden from sight. Like a plane, she could soar and swing

But she was deemed a danger and she
Was banned by the Maltese authorities
Grounded for life, over land and sea ☹

That Danish guy who sang in Moscow?
Hmm! Well he had secrets of his own
Though he had never gained a physics degree
Still he worked hard and he built a machine with which he

Went back in time to his days of innocence
But crossed a line (got in some strife), made mistakes and killed mini-Brinck

Accidently, but still it meant he
Changed history, messed with causality
Undid his life – and his own entry!

Brinck and Debbie’s unknown histories
Though they sound crazed
Are far from uncommon or all that strange. No!
Tip of the ice!

Naked wolf guy? Oh! Belarusian loup-garou
Ted Johnson’s wife? (From ’59) Poor Pearl Carr was half-oyster. True!

Merethe could see she’d score 23
Tania from Greece? Chaplin reborn, you see
Mock all you like! They all lead
Such wondrous lives!

Based on Macedonia 2007
Karolina — Mojot svet

{Cat Chorus}
{Meowing, translated as follows}

“Why have one man when you can have nine cats?”
“Finer companions you could not have”

“Though you shouldn’t tease a three-legged cat”
“That would be a major faux paw”

Menopause calls me
I’m feeling fat
No one consoles me
Can’t live with that

Deep inside me
There’s this hole
That needs some filling up fast

I had better get a pussy cat
Feline fulfilment is where it’s at

Be it pure-bred or a moggie
Any pussy I’ll have that

{Karolina adopts a random stray}

Living with my little pookie cat
Purring serenely upon my lap

All night long I
Stroke my pussy

Sometimes too I
Pet my cat

{Cat jumps away}
{Giving Karolina the stink eye}

{Writhing seductively}
{Karolina grabs her pussy}

I love your beauty:
You’d win awards

Would dogs describe it
“Cat-has-trophe”?

{Pussy thrusts and wriggles, escaping Karolina’s grasp}
{and her dreadful sense of humour}

Come back, RuPaw

{Dashes through cat flap}
{the cat, not Karolina}

Don’t Go! Oh, well

Fetch moggie:
Need pussy now

{Karolina visits a cat rescue shelter*}
{*a.k.a. The Pied-Piper-of-Pussy section of this AL}

Hello lovely little kitty cats
Come with me I’ve got the purrrfect place
Filled with toys and treats a plenty
Where we’ll do the Nya Nya Dance

Don’t mind whether you’re an alley cat
Domestic shorthair or Cornish Rex

There are pleasures in my flat like
Erect poles to rub against

{Cats, though suspicious, follow her home}
{Knowing they’re on to a good thing}

{months pass}
{Karolina continuing her cat seduction ways}

Meow meow meow meow
{Untranslatable*}

Meow me-ow meow meow
{*Nah - just kitten}

“She was normal three cats ago”

“Why’dya think we sit on your keyboard?”
“Keeping an eye on the... Mouse!”

{more months pass}
{Largely to recover from that dreadful pun}

Now I live with fifty pussy cats
Hairballs, pesky fleas I sure get scratched

Yet the lesson they have taught me:
Every cat’s love is for life

When I’m dead they’ll eat my body
After all, yes, cats are cats!

Based on Finland 1967
Fredi — Varjoon – suojaan

Marion sounds a call with a luring tone
Marion can seduce lustful males with hormones
Bobbejaan wraps in hay, to disguise as plant
Bobbejaan's famous whistle can fake-enchant

Soon we'll know who's adroitest
In comes emotional crowd
Final of the Bird Catching Contest
Two world experts battling it out

Marion hacks a road through the Amazon
Marion tipi-toes to the nest right at dawn
Bobbejaan sets a trap for the avian:
"Bobbejaanland for birds! Step into the fun!"

Marion builds a cage in a coulter pine
Marion ties herself to a forest vine
Bobbejaan sticks a pole in a rock owl den
Bobbejaan lassoes cowboy-style three miles length

Bounty and dignity on mind
Striving contestants press on
The myna's still showing no sign
Of any plan to succumb

Marion's rung a friend for some hunt advice
Marion lays the nest with a seize device
Bobbejaan attempts vinkensport, final stunt
Stalemate as the bird flies towards the sun

Based on Ireland 1994
Paul Harrington and Charlie McGettigan — Rock 'n' Roll Kids

Based on Portugal 1987
Nevada — Neste barco à vela

Listen to me, meu amigo
there’s something you don’t know
I am gonna teach you the trick to
writing a really fine song

Not a lame song like Rybak’s
a song with coração
a song so good that it has the
flavor of Portugal

Start by writing nice lyrics
so deep and poetic
that nobody gets them
lyrics about saudade
about Portugueseness
about amizade
There must also be a rio
that dies in the sea
but then flows upstream
politics are never a problem
if you disguise them
with seventies clothing

You must have a good team to
help you with the task,
a charismatic performer
that can help to lift the song

Of course, for the music
you may also need some help
If you don’t have inspiration
just go and call Andrej Babic

Music should be so heartwarming
That melts your soul,
makes you feel like crying
It may resemble a fado
with a modern touch
unlike Carlos do Carmo
You can also go uptempo,
a little pimba*
is a guilty pleasure
Include a lot of guitars
to get an ethnic sound
in this extravaganza

Recruit Dulce to sing this
as Simone and Manuela
don’t want to do it
If you prefer something sexy
just pick Suzy
she’ll always be ready
Good styling is key so ask
Adelaide for
outfit advices
If you follow my tips
you’ll surely get true
Portuguese masterpieces

* Pimba is a type of “Portuguese schlager”. Some examples of pimba include “Quero ser tua” or “Dança comigo”

Based on Estonia 2012
Ott Lepland — Kuula

Kula, a small touristy town
Kula, in southwest Turkey
Kula, district of Manisa
Kula...

What a pleasant invitation
Hotel opening on last May
Kuula, they asked me to sing it there
Cool ha?

Kula, had a bad surprise for me
Kuula, was rewritten in Turkish
As Kula, describing the region

There was no way I could sing all that
Not on such a short notice at least
Would be ridic even if I did
So I suggested vocalists sing the entire song
Just Kula, I had to mime the rest

Kula, did not sound at all bad
Kula, Italians had a few laughs
In Kula, some odd stares at me

So, Kula was weird...

Based on Spain 1973
Mocedades — Eres tú

You once were so noble, EBU, EBU
You're founded on peace, love, understanding
And no politica, EBU, EBU
World peace, world peace, EBU
United by music, EBU, EBU	EBU
Although there was always the odd rumble
But now like a stormvind, EBU, EBU
Fuck you, fuck you, EBU	EBU

EBU
Stuck in Euro-tunnel-vision
Reference group
Censorship through loud fake applause

What's the tea, EBU?	EBU
Oh, transparency's not your point of fuerza	Stuck in Euro-tunnel-vision
You're two-faced, EBU, iiiee-uw	Reference group
Hey Martin, you deserved all those boo's.	Censorship through loud fake applause
Wait, who is your sponsor, EBU, EBU?	EBU
Your stance isn't neutral, hear the bell: shame!
The spotlight's on you now, EBU, EBU
Fuck you, fuck you, EBU	EBU

EBU
Bunch of despots, cowards, nitwits
Reference group
Designers of their own demise

So what now, EBU?	EBU
We return to the land where it once began	Bunch of despots, cowards, nitwits
Will it end, EBU? *desperate cry*	Reference group
Your fate is in your hands, EBU	Designers of their own demise
By the way, EBU	EBU
It's the artists and fans that are the Contest	Bunch of despots, cowards, nitwits

Reference group
Designers of their own demise

Based on Ukraine 2008
Ani Lorak — Shady Lady

Sitting here at my desk
It’s ten thirty - and yet
I feel a throb down below

[The other office inhabitants]
Oh no

Ugly boss knocks on door
“Photocopies for four?”
But I give zero shits, yo

They shake heads disapprovingly

Gotta answer the phones
But I’m not in that zone
Feel my hand’s gonna wander

Shake heads

Put hand under my skirt
Couple minutes won’t hurt
So there’s no need to ponder

Tinder! Short shorts! I wanna see some big thighs
Biceps! Deltoids! Big boxing hunks with blue eyes
Insta thirst traps, wanna be covered, nuzzled
My nips are throbbing

Blond hair! Bulges! Love me some tighty whities
Let’s meet? Big feet? Is it true there’s a ratio
With a big dick, I’ll message those, so let’s go
My clit is throbbing now

Just a little bit wet
Calm the hell down and then
A nice microwaved pasta
Lunch time!

Insta fantasy man
Would cook green eggs and ham
Before licking me out, yeah
Dessert!

Now I’ve eaten my lunch
Ping goes off, have a hunch
Tinder muscles are here, now

Oh my Jesus! Didn’t expect two-hander
Tryna fit in, not really gonna happen
Blow jobs, wank offs
His peen is just too big
Too big, too big for her

[Sexy interlude]

Horny PA

I wanna be filled with my Instagram thrill
I did not enquire re: girth down below
Now I’m gonna be stretched - hands held over head
My Insta Spitfire: experienced, he knows

Done it again!
In front, of us!

[Orgasm pyro]

Oh my God, whew, I needed that to happen
Such a relief: better get back to work now
Photocopies? Four, wipe off juice and kow-tow
Can’t wait to do that
Again

Please not again