Based on Cyprus 2012

Lala... Lala Lala Lala... Lala Lala Lala love

Lala... Lala Lala Lala... Lala Lala love

Love like ours is way beyond the: sex-u-al
Baby, it’s so deep and true: perpe-tu-al

Feeling such bliss, though we don’t kiss
Just saying: “Oh! Eh-oh!”

Tinky is a scamp, with endless: porky pies
Photoshopping with his rude and filthy: pack of lies

In any case, in any place…

So now you know-ow-ow!

Oh! Eh-oh! Feel the energy between you and me, Lala , it’s our time

Oh! Eh-oh! I feel your yellowness envelop you and me, you and me

Now we are sharing all this
Lala... Lala Lala Lala... Lala Lala Lala love

How I’ve been waiting for your
Lala... Lala Lala Lala... Lala Lala Lala love!

While Po is psychotic, always on: sky-y-ype

Dipsy tells the world, he bottoms: ay-ay-ay!

Not that I care, that’s his affair
Don’t need to know. No! No!

And they do this as well
As you can tell
Play in the snow-ow-ow…

Oh! Eh-oh! See our energy, it soars over them, Lala. Yellow light!

Oh! Eh-oh! Like electricity that flows from you to me, you to me

It’s so much better than this
Tinky... Tinky Tinky Winky... Tinky Winky kinky love

No, we’ve been sharing higher
Lala... Lala Lala Lala... Lala Lala Lala love!

{musical interlude}

When Noo-noo’s here, it’s all too clear

Oh! Eh-oh! It feels so heavenly when you’re with me, Lala, it’s so right

Oh! Eh-oh! I love your energy, entwining you and me, you and me

Wow! We've been sharing all this

Lala... Lala Lala Lala... Lala Lala Lala love!

Lala... Lala Lala Lala... Lala Lala Lala love!

Oh? You've been waiting for this:

Lala... Lala Lala Lala... Lala Lala Lala love?!!

Based on Iceland 2019

Looking for hell on earth?
Where they treat you like dirt?
In for a world of hurt?
No need to look too far

Customer Service
People are 'assertive'
But they seem to forget
Basic respect

All that they say
Let it wash away
If all else fails
Have a glass of Chardonnay

People don't realize
Who's on the other side
Who provides a reply
Digest the frustrations
Exercise their patience

Customer Service
People take a piss
Impoliteness
No need for rudeness, thanks
You deserve a spank

Wax on, wax off
And try not to scoff
Try to be kind
First world problems make them blind

Breathe in, breathe out
And try not to shout
Just realize
One day soon, they too will die

They too will die
They too will die

Customer Service
Think I might crack
(They too will die)
Customer Service
Water off a duck's back?
(They too will die)
Patience is what I lack!
I'm such a wreck…

Fuck first world problems.

Based on Italy 1956 (1)

This morning there's a sale on avocados
I feel adventurous, completely dexterous
I'll stand up to those spice aficionados
With brand new recipes to make them envious
'Cause jalapeño's truly hideous

I'm gonna make the world's best guacamole
They'll call it "holy", enjoy it slowly
I'll leave out overrated chili phonies
And focus on the charming scent of lemon juice

Those taste buds need some thorough restoration
A good foundation, needed salvation
I'll add some pears to give a sweet sensation
And put those poor tomatoes to good use

Let's not forget to put in some cilantro
Porque sí lo necesitamos tanto
Time for a little bit of salt and pepper
Almost enough to satisfy your soul

La la la la la la la la la la la
A yummy life with no cholesterol

Let's not fall in the trap of garlic powder
We don't know where it's been, stripped of all vitamin
Instead go for the real thing on your counter
To make sure that you're getting all the thiamin
Riboflavin, folate and niacin

It's guacamole, it's guacamole

So open up your senses and remember
It should be tender in all its splendor
It shouldn't make you want to scream forever
To frequencies you couldn't reach before

Feel all the flavors flowing through your being
Without feeling an inch away from peeing
Enjoy this way superior guacamole
There's enough taste to satisfy your soul

La la la la la la la la la la la
A yummy life with no cholesterol

Based on Belgium 2017

Just a doll longing for a home
Painted smile but behind I'm sad
Lidless eyes always looking out
Tattered clothing, hair limp and shorn

I need a reprieve
Who'll pay the asking price?
I feel obsolete
Awaiting demise
No one sympathises

To be owned, to be 'of' someone
Loved already, be in demand
It's the moment I dream about
An escape from this prison cell

She came on the scene
Her face so naive and bright
I couldn't believe
From all merchandise
She chose me as her prize

Hugged me close on the way back home
Through her warmth I'm no longer damned
Goodbye lonely, your time is out
Found a new place within her arms

Dreamed of this day for all my life
Hope this connection never dies
I see a bright world through her eyes

Set me free, please be my new home
Just surrender into my plan
Do not fight as your soul drains out
You chose me, and I heard your call

Once again I am flesh and bone
I've escaped from my no man's land
You can scream girl and you can shout
There's nobody to hear you call

Now you're in hell
My baby doll

Based on Germany 1980

I’ve never claimed to lead a saintly sort of life
And I’ve done my share of fairly naughty things
You can imagine how it took me by surprise
When I noticed, with my clothes off late last night
Seeping, burning marks had popped up on my skin
Could they be from an unusual STD?

Stigmata, stigmata, red holes in my palms
Don’t think they’re bruises or sores
Stigmata bled out on my wrists and my arms
Only one possible cause

Not a tropical fever, but a lesson from the Lord
He thinks it’s best that I change my behaviour!
Stigmata, stigmata, oh yes I was pleased
But then I found a load more

There were two on my backside, there were three around my face
There were even some concealed around my special place
So I took a few photos, put them on Instagram
“Does someone know if I’ve I been blessed or damned?”

“Are they really stigmata? ‘Cause this doesn’t seem quite right
I’m starting to get a bit concerned”
“Stigmata! Stigmata!” was all they replied
“Amen, the saviour’s returned!”

Stigmata, stigmata
(Second coming of Jesus!)
They came to my house
(And we know what this entails)
Broke in and dragged me away
(Better get some planks of wood, a hammer and some nails)

Stigmata disaster
(Even if she’s not Jesus)
The crowd wants me dead
(Even if she’s only sick)
Wish this were herpes instead
(Those spots could be infectious - do it quick!)

What is that construction I see?
(Stigmata! A martyr!)
They’re going to crucify me!

Based on Cyprus 1991

Don’t waste money with breeders
Three legs are just as good as four
Any more drop off, we’ll make it cheaper
Comes with a free prosthetic paw

Tomcat is driving you bananas?
Before you fling it in a bin
Don’t toss it out with all the week’s trash
Come trade it in with us for cash

We’ve got songbirds that wheeze, a cow that lactates cheese
Hares with clefts, hares with clefts, hares with clefts
Some alopecic sheep, stock taker fell asleep
Never sheds, never sheds, no loose threads

Parrots of dubious aliveness
Piranhas happiest on land
And pachyderms with problem sinus
In stock in all the leading brands

Echidna’s fine it seems… once lathered with skin creams
Eczema, eczema, eczema
Sloths with narcolepsy, bipolar bears, and fleas
So depressed several leapt off a ledge

A dog that’s sprung a leak’s not just for Xmas week
It’s for less, it’s for less, it’s for less™
Pets 4 Less

Based on Norway 2009

Years ago, when I was handsome,
I wrote a song that is well-known
It was good, made me a winner,
Number one, points record blown.

Coming back seemed a fairytale
Now it’s hell on earth
‘Cause I forgot how to write a song
And I think I’m cursed!

Every day I practiced step one
Every night, step number two
So I felt ‘twas getting better
But then the truth just hit me in the nose!

Thought I knew what I was doing,
Won semi 1, and then, my God!!
Found myself at fifteen, down there…
What can I do? Who knew it was that hard?

Many say that I (fairly) failed
Even so, it hurts
It’s been a year, I still have to hide
And I can’t compose…

(speaking to himself)
Miss my fairytale…Yeah…
(speaking to his fans)
Even if you’re hurt,
‘Bout coming back, I made up my mind:
NO! I can’t be arsed!!

(plays the violin furiously)
(last string breaks)

Based on Denmark 2019

Soon after World War Three,
We ran out of tinned sardines.
Coping with hunger, we
Developed new food routines.

Tree bark went down rough, did not fill us enough,
And was not nutritional.
Tried to make some fudge from cockroaches and sludge,
But it was unbearable.

We were survivors,
(Who)’d survived two nuclear wars.
Then came two hikers,
(Who)’d turn us back into carnivores.
Just a taste of Tom, a taste of Matt,
Could fill us up, thank god they’re fat.
They’re better than a can of SPAM,
So we won’t ever go back to those cans.

Devoured a dead farmhand,
With Chinese Five Finger Blend.
Imagine preparing stew,
Garnished with bits of Stu.

Maybe it’s not right, but food was kinda tight.
It’s apocalyptical.
So who are you to judge, who we have had for lunch?
Tony makes a great meatball!

We are survivors,
(Who)’ve invented a new gourmet store.
We welcome shoppers,
(Who)’ve got a taste for backpackers.
Have a taste of John, a taste of Brett,
A wino drowned in vinaigrette,
Fresh hobos cooked up on the spot.
So come on down and don’t you mind the blood.

A wandering gypsy queen,
Could be your to-go cuisine.
Bring in all your dead amis,
And we’ll cook them up for free.

Do you think it’s gross? Eating all your bros?
Think that it’s against the law?
Cannibals are not such a pleasant thought?
Cannibals should be locked up?

Then look at it this way.
Then look at it this way, what else could we do?
We look at it this way.
We look at it this way, we think you should too:
Just a taste of Bob, a taste of Steve
Because the bombs destroyed our beef.
It’s sensible, and if it’s not,
It beats becoming vegetarian.

Based on Finland 1977

Ma na na
Ma na na na ma na na
Ma na na na ma na
Ma na na naya na na

Pneumonia
You gave me pneumonia
Now I’m stuck here dying
Maybe it wasn’t worth it

One cold December night
I first met with my handsome knight
We had matched on Glistnr
And things lead to a date
A sexy and charming gentleman
Who smiled as he revealed our plans:
“Let’s start in my sauna”
“And then we’ll go for a swim, k?”

Blub blub blub
Blub blub blub blub blub blub blub
Blub blub blub blub blub blub
Blub blub blub blubeliblub blub blub

Pneumonia
You gave me pneumonia
And I’m stuck here dying
Wondering, was it worth it?

After the swim was done
He said: “Come, let me keep you warm”
I hoped for an eggnog
But no, he meant a jog!
‘Bout sixty miles through the icy night
“And then we can chill at my house”
His home was an igloo!
With bed and sheets made of snow
Yay?

Brrr brrr brrr
Brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr
Brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr brrr
Brrr brrr brrr brrr-brrr-brrr brrr brrr!

Pneumonia
You gave me pneumonia
Now my fever’s rising
I think I might regret this:

My panties dropped
They froze to the floor

Oh no no no..

*wheeze*
*sniffle*
*cough*
*wheeze*

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…
(Ma na na na na ma na na na na)
(Ma na na na na ma na na na na)
...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAA….
(Ma na na na na ma na na na na)
(Ma na na na na ma na na na na)
...CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…
(Pneumonia! Pneumonia!)
...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(Pneumonia! Pneumonia!)

(*Cough cough cough*)
(*Cough cough cough cough cough cough cough*)
(*Cough cough cough cough cough cough*)
(*Cough cough cough cough cough cough phlegm cough*)

Pneumonia
Bloody darn pneumonia!
Now I’m stuck here dying
It really wasn’t worth it

Pneumonia
We both have pneumonia
If we do survive this
Next date, let’s go to… Cairo?

(...*cough cough cough cough cough cough cough*)
(*Cough cough cough cough cough*)

Based on Cyprus 2018

Two A.M., a Friday night,
I’m the hit of the disco
Gotta love a dancer’s life
I catch his eye, we hit the floor
Luis Fonsi’s “Calypso”
I take him home, we dance some more

Now he’s there between my thighs, thighs, thighs, yeah
Rubber breaks, but we go through.
What’s the risk in just one night, night, night, yeah?

Now I’m throwing up
My dinner won’t stay down come eight in the morning
My boobs are tender now,
Swelling like a cow, no…
Now the doctor smiles, but I can’t help but frown
No I can’t believe it
I’m only 23, I don’t wanna be
Preggo

Preggo
Oh why’d I take the chance?
Will they let me dance
Preggo?

No ballon, no brisé
And forget about plies
Stuck backstage here at the Met

Bitches laugh about my size, size, size, yeah
Life goes on, what can I do?
Hungry for some pickle fries, fries, fries, yeah

Now I’m swelling up
My weights not going down
So much for my balance
Feels like a bowling ball
Drives me up the wall, yeah
Then he kicks his legs and I just gotta pee
Don’t play with my bladder!
Oh is it over yet?
Why’d I have to get
Preggo?

Preggo
Oh shit, my water broke!
This is not a joke!
Preggo

But when I look into his eyes, eyes, eyes, yeah
I’m so glad this baby’s mine, mine, mine, yeah…

Now he’s waking up
When I’m just cooling down
Thank god for my mother
She takes good care of him,
While I’m at the gym, yeah
Lost the baby weight
Now getting my tubes tied
Not having another
I’m small, petite again
I am done bein’
Preggo

Preggo
Can’t feed you now, dear Jake
Mommy’s in Swan Lake!