Based on Denmark 1989
Birthe Kjær — Vi maler byen rød

Sat at this desk forever
Since a year that I forgot
Recent times have been hard as
My boss is quite the twat

The glam that he once promised
Never quite got off the ground
Criminal, that wage
Thus making the most of my final day

I cancel meetings
And instead enjoy a seat massage
They better not expect
An extra this or that
Deleting emails
Eat pretzels on the windowsill

And when the clock strikes five
It’s time to celebrate
Retirement

Exciting, yet unsettling thought
I soon will not be here
My coworkers: cold and awful
Still loneliness I fear

Was offered a new contract
A part-timer, if you will
Turned it down
No more days in hell
I would rather serve time in jail

I flip the tables
And then rearrange the keyboard keys
Lift all men’s toilet lids
To apply saran wrap
I hand out fake awards
“Dressed” and “Lame Ass Hypocrite”

And when the clock strikes five
It’s time to celebrate
Retirement

Feel the end getting nearer
Freedom is waiting for me
Cutting all ties with submission
No more ‘do as I say’
(She can do all that she wants)

My hands are eager
Move my furniture
And paint the walls
Might find the needed time
To sew curtains in red
It is like night and day
Hack to independent me

And as the clock strikes five
It’s time to celebrate
Yeah, now the clock strikes five
I’m turning off the lights
And shout goodbye

Based on Belgium 1996
Lisa del Bo — Liefde is een kaartspel

- ACT 1 -
Can’t believe that he is late
It’s only our second date
I start with a water
Ready for the slaughter
Order a slice of cake

Though I know that what I feel is wrong
I still think about him all day long
I vow that now we do it
And finally get to it
He walks in and I’m cured

He sits down and looks well
Gets Coke Light and oat milk
Weird combo but great smell
Clean-shaven; I crave him
Being in his love cell
My privates displaying…
He refuses to dwell
Within moments I cry!

- ACT 2 -
Everyone wants me to die
Jury thought I should comply
With my time in prison
Thought I had arisen
Why won’t this man subside?

I keep trying to string him along
But he keeps repeating the same song
I killed people with success
So my probation’s endless
He says I must mature

We’ve just hit a dry spell
I’m joking, provoking
Fearing he might soon yell
I cave and behave good
He wants me to get well
And adds we’re not dating
But I know I excel
At getting what I want!

- ACT 3 -
Something quick, something sick
Soon enough Officer’s servitude supersedes
I’m the belle, doubts dispel
Next, we’re on the move

In a fancy hotel
I smoke and then choke him
Get room service as well
He’s paying, just laying
Someone rings the doorbell
The cops come and tase me
It’s time to say farewell
To good old liberty!

Based on Belgium 1981
Emly Starr — Samson

In sixty-eight Eurovisions
There’s been many a top tier song
But there’s only one all-time winner
So let's reveal it now

Ooh… Waterloo? Arcade? Theater?
No? Ooh… Ka’ du se hva’ jeg sa even?

Samson
Yes that might surprise you. Thought it might be Shiru?
You’re wrong
It won the Belgian final. Dropped the “en Delilah”
That one

You might think I have lost my marbles
I sense a somewhat raised eyebrow
The hair was an abomination
And she squats like a man

Ooh... but you know all is forgiven
Soo-oo-oothed... by the sight of massive feathers

Samson
Fuck Hemel en Aarde. Emly Starr hits harder
Samson
The verse gives me a hard-on. Chorus a paragon
She wore cheap white misfitting drapes

Emily with no ‘i’ (elusive charm)
And two ‘r’s in star
Marie-Christine Mareels (elusive charm)
Spelt everything wrong

Ooh... Playback instantly forgotten
Ooh ooh... Look pulsating Egyptian cotton!

Samson
Giuseppe Marchese doing the arranging
Samson
At first I thought she was in drag
Sashay away

Samson, I love you
Sаmѕon

Based on Iceland 2022
Systur — Með hækkandi sól

Our trio’s tale is very sour
Three damsels conjoined in sulking sorrow
Times are harder when you’re thrice
No getting laid or peace and quiet
Fate sealed

No such gift as private showers
Solo singing? Not for this choir…
Throw out the “roommates”, splitting up
Also not an option…
Save me

I try averting attention
Easier said than done with Beth and Susie
I dream of living a boring life
How with three heads, one body?

(Faye looks slowly sideways…)

Someday I could just grab a knife
Buy a big aquarium and drown us in
Simply put, it’s bleedin’ hard
Pray it’s just all in my damn mind
Maybe…

If you don’t help me I’ll snap soon
Quietly I’ll strangle my siblings
It would be best, if for a while
Three heads become one only

Beth & Susie: Faye? Faye?… oh no…

(Faye grabs a kitchen knife)

One cut, I’m through
See you perhaps in heaven

(Beth & Susie cry)

Sliced, now I’m free
I feel like going solo

(Blood everywhere, Beth and Susie’s heads roll to the floor)

I dissipated my tension
Finally I’m now a “one” only
If it was really worth the while
Why do I feel so lonely?

Based on Italy 1980
Alan Sorrenti — Non so che darei

Have you ever
Felt a blinding pain
Like your world is ending
As if something is ripping
A part of your soul

Feeling time freeze
Paralysed at once
There’s no describing
The hurt that you're feeling
The hell that you’re in
Feel like an animal
Trapped in a cage
Some kind of mixture
Of panic, fear and rage

I just stubbed my toe
I can't take it oh no
Seeing stars and black holes, I
Might pass out now
Never felt this way
It’s excruciating!
What's this noise that I'm making?
Am I howling?

911, take my call, please I beg of you!
Operator, alarm! I need a nurse or two!

Oh my pretty
Little pinky toe
Colours are brand new
First pink, now it's petrol
The shadiest blue
Yuk, is it standing up?!
90 degrees
I feel so queasy
I buckle to my knees

I just stubbed my toe
Just can't take it oh no
Seeing stars and black holes, I
Might pass out now
Endless searing pain
It's destroying me, oh!
Simply cannot stop crying
Pass the Kleenex!

I just stubbed my toe
Still can't take it oh no
Seeing stars and black holes, I'm
Passing out now
Never felt this way
How can I recover?
There is just one solution...
Amputation.

Based on Denmark 2002
Malene — Vis mig hvem du er

Leather black pneumatic chair
It’s my personal hell
Turn around, take a gander
Barbicide, clips, shampoo and gel
You approach my right side
You attempt to catch my eye

Please just cut my hair
Razor's in the drawer
I've got nowt to say about girls or sport
Don't show me her nudes
Can't you tell I'm femme?
Small talk makes me reach for citalopram
So cease this questionnaire

To avoid further upset
For a few kroner more
I’d email you further details
Of my somewhat concealed scalp mole
All along terrified
Your rough combing makes me cry

Please just cut my hair
Chit chat I deplore
Cut around my ear
I'll stare at the floor
Give me solitude
Move me now and then
Swiftly and we're done. I'll pay. That's the plan.
“Bro..” Please no I despair!
It’s not fair!

You still long for reply
While I sit wanting to die

(barely audible MOR music plays on the radio in the background)

Please just cut my hair (short)
Still you must take reasonable care
Feel that messy look
Gel?
No

Please just cut my hair
I don’t seek rapport
Barber capes are quiet weapons of war
Hands me some tissues
Says “cash only man”
Contactless payment - clearly not a fan
Release me from this chair

FEUD EUROVISION ON NETFLIX ESTONIA

Press release:
Tallinn
June 30th 2024

Netflix Estonia is pleased to announce FEUD EUROVISION, a new musical series where Estonian singers and actors re-enact famous Eurovision rivalries. As a teaser, we are proud to show you the lyrics for the first song of the first chapter. In that first chapter, Stig Rästa depicts Eduardo Leiva, a talentful musician and conductor of orchestra that had to deal with his worst job to that date: Conduct the orchestra in Eurovision 1987 for the Spanish entry “No estás solo” sung by an inexperienced artist called Patricia Kraus (depicted by Elina Born), who happens to be the daughter of a very famous Opera singer. This segment shows what happened when Eduardo met Patricia for the first time to the music of “Goodbye to yesterday”.

Eduardo Leiva vs Patricia Kraus: The Truth

Based on Estonia 2015
Elina Born and Stig Rästa — Goodbye to Yesterday

[Verse 1: Eduardo Leiva, alone]

I was contacted by TVE
They told me that they had a winning song this year
Sang by a stablished singer with a great voice
I put my Walkman on
The demo is playing but I can only hear noise
then I realize this is the actual song

[Chorus: Eduardo and Patricia Kraus appearing behind him]

This is the worst song I’ve ever heard
It sounds like random noise and screams
There’s no way somebody would vote for this

Just shut up and stop that crap!
It’s just that you don’t understand my art
it was highly praised by my dad
who’s a freaking big star

[Verse 2: Patricia, alone]

What’s this man talking about?
Yeah, it’s a bit risky but a solid song
that everybody will surely appreciate.

The soothing music and my voice
together with the lyrics that I wrote
will make the audience stand and applaud

[Chorus: Eduardo and Patricia]

I still think that your song is shit
I just don’t care who your father is
He won’t get you any votes unless he pays the Greeks

Why are you so mean to me?
I promise I’ll work and do my best
so let’s rehearse and try to win
to win it for Spain

You are just fooling yourself
your vocals are mediocre at best
So not even your father can save this mess
Why don’t you just do your work?
Just conduct the orchestra and forget the rest
I’ll just buy votes and try to win
to win it for Spain
to buy it for Spain
to win it for Spain

Based on Austria 1993
Tony Wegas - Maria Magdalena

I was a ballerina
In my dream last night
And that bloody tutu was so tight!

No idea why not danseur, ballerina instead
Maybe I have hidden kinks like that
We were dancing on Munich stage, Marlene felt outdone
She started to tear the flowers, screamed, dressed as nun

Cockroach or a beetle
There was something on the floor
Blonde girl in the middle stepped on
Fart bug, killer odour!

"Since I'm a ballerina..." I thought in hindsight
"...down there should be a gina" gotta check if it's right
I tried to reach my Tina, just a vain effort
It was that dream thing, you try but fall short

Then the scene changed, we're in Brussels
Viktor's announcing...
Can't see her face, earrings way too big
Song starts playing - Israel's turn, that's a fun duet
Me and three girls pull a pirouette

I twirled too fast, darn pointe was torn
My big toe popped out
Lotta Engberg gave me her shoes
She said they could float

The stage is now arena, many bulls in sight
One of them tossed my Tina, threw me up so high
Found myself in Verona, it was dark at night
Did jeté on streets till the morning light

Why was I ballerina? I don't like ballet...
Must be too much coquina, what a dream, a nightmare!
"Sweated till my Tina" - that was my first thought *cries*
It turned out I've been peeing all night looong... aaarrgh

Based on Germany 1972
Mary Roos — Nur die Liebe läßt uns leben

Few have seen me fully naked,
No man has ever seen my pride
My virginity is sacred
Piety, the faith is on my side

My father and my brother and the preacher
all said to me: "Girl, wait for Mister Right
Eventually you'll see that it is worth it
Save yourself, your husband will be hooked on it"

I was easily persuaded
After the promise they'd implied
If I remain uninvaded
I will be rewarded with a child

Thus my lust was armor-plated
Hymen intact, a pristine shine
Cultivated abstination
I would be by far the perfect bride

I waited, and I waited, and I faded
My youth went by and then my parents died
The church burned down, and as for my dear brother
He ran off with that two-faced preacher guy!

Few have seen me fully naked,
No man has ever seen my pride
My virginity was sacred
Piety, the faith was on my side

After due consideration
I found the answer on a site:
"Vaginal rejuvenation"
From then on, Saint Thomas was my guide

Now my private parts awakened
Pity, I'm 86 years old
Once a babe, but now deflated
Never mind, come on, enjoy the ride!

Based on Croatia 1999
Doris Dragović — Marija Magdalena

*Frantic pelvic thrusting to the pounding beat*

It's been a quarter-day since my last screw
I need to shag a man, yeah, I think you'll do
Get in my bed, I'll give you head
Just get in there boy, I'll use prostate toys...NOW!!!

Incessant copulator
*Orgasm*
Seeks carnal stimulator
*Orgasm*
Not horny? See ya later!
*Extended orgasm*

Prowl the local school
Spot a teacher
He is a hunky guy
Grrrrr-rrrr! What a creature!
With him I score, sprawled on all fours
In the dining hall, I drain both his balls DRY

This bulge investigator
*Orgasm*
Is coming to inspect ya
*Orgasm*
The bigger schlong, the better
*Extended orgasm*

Some folks ask me:
"First E.S.C.?"
It was fun, I won
Fud Leclerc was hung
YUM!

I've worn out my vibrators
*Orgasm*
So MB moderators
*Orgasm*
I'm gonna come and get ya
*BIGGEST ORGASM OF THEM ALL*