Based on France 1995
Nathalie Santamaria — Il me donne rendez-vous

One morning logged onto MB to a crucial quest’
“Which day would you erase, if you could live life the best?”
I thought back, considered which day would win the prize
Decided on the day that surely was my demise
The thirteenth of the month May of the year ninety-five
The day that my career finally took a nose-dive

I deleted a day, so come on, come what may, let’s just see what transpires
The world suddenly shakes, some green mist all invades, and I shrink and expire
I deleted a day, now my hair’s looking great, it’s all black, long, on fire
I see Friends on TV, plus the River Liffey, and three pints cost a fiver

I deleted a day without thinking ‘bout this
Let’s see what now follows as consequences

In May ’95, the day is Sunday fourteenth
And RTÉ announces: “We forgot ESC”
“We’ll try it again upon next Saturday eve”
So now my path to victory is all but decreed
Next week brings opportunities I cannot pass on
If France won I could be the brand new Céline Dion

Stone and Stone’s on the loo, poisoned Love City Groove, did the same to Justyna
Sabotaged Frédéric, Secret Garden’s so weak, ripped the dress of Liora
Aud Wilken’s all in shock, as are Darja and Mike, all because of my Taser
Plus I’ve hid Arzu’s glove, Anabel is a mug - earpiece, volume maxima

I burned all flags and drapes of Alex Panayi
And pushed Jan Johansen into River Liffey

Now I enter the stage! After crucial keychange, Europe’s all at my feet now
And all over the world, echoes France douze, France twelve, finally I’m the winner!
I deleted a day, and the win came my way! I’m on top of the world, yeah
Now the green mist returns, time to go home and earn, for I’ll be a rich bitch, hey

What is all this back home?
It’s a nuclear
Wasteland

Based on Ireland 2025
EMMY — Laika Party

(EMMY, you’re up next)

What the strangest of days
And my head is ablaze
How to answer at this interview

Fight a duck-sized horse?
Why are manholes all round?!

Don’t think I’ve impressed in this big bored room

Well, I hummed and hawed
Must have sounded odd

Had been taking sips
Of water to my lips
But something’s amiss
Now I neeeeed a piss

Fled out like a curving ball
And found the nearest bathroom stall

Cursed to myself for bad luck while I let my bladder spill

It was then that I noticed to my right a glory hole
With a boner poking through

Naughty favour for the job!!

So I opened up my gob

- Sounds of vigorous fellatio -
- performed in Norwegian Style -

After minutes, maybe hours
All I’m hearing is soft ahs
Feeling no sign for an end to come

In order was a break: I will e-e-edge him great
Fingers and a thumb always satisfy

Then I had to sneeze
Knickers at my knees

Let us stomp our feet
Heats me as I beat meat

If you think I lie
Then why don’t you try!

Wow his member’s amplified
My skill set cannot be denied

But have I met the standard at this stage? Have they been swayed?
Perhaps some initiative will prove that I can make the grade

I will climb aboard, alright!

But which orifice to choose?

Lucky I’ve got lots of lube

- Sounds of -
- well, you can work it out -

What’s the verdict from this guy? Yes! Yes! YES!

Coital probing got me hired! Yes! Oh! Yes!

- Sounds…very flexible -

Now I work for Fucks4Less!

Based on Ireland 2022
Brooke — That's Rich

Yes I'm lying on the floor
How'd I end up here, you may well question
What happened right before my fall?
What caused my state of total apprehension?

I'm slowly coming around
No longer cowered
I've a tale to tell
How my day it soured

There's no keeping me down
I'm back up on my boots
The dirt I'm dusting off now.....

Goddamnit
Ostrich
Coming at me anew
An ostrich
Well I guess I'd better move
Ostrich
Need to escape this emu
Well, ostrich

This ain't cool
Deja vu
What to do?

I just came to buy some eggs
A dozen, sold by my local farmer
Sign said that I should help myself
If only I had seen the warning feathers

I've got no problem with cows
I love my llamas
Who knew something fowl
Lurked on the pastures

When I first looked around
Just saw goats and a ewe
Had my head in the ground

That stupid
Ostrich
Hidden just out of view
An ostrich
Making a real sudden move
Ostrich
Should be locked up at the zoo
This ostrich

Flightless ghoul
Bug-eyed too
It's so cruel

My cautionary tale should be for you sufficient warning
With it I lured you over, made you listen to my story
My forever gratitude that you came here to help me
You showed up, thought to save me
But see that now you are me

(Now you are me)
This ordeal for me now is over
(Now you are me)
As I have brought the beast another
(Now you are me)
Goodbye, I mean it now with love yeah
It's my time to recover

The ostrich
now it's coming for you
An ostrich
and I'm no longer in view
Ostrich
But wait, hold on there are two
Ostriches

I've been duped
Trapped us both
Me and you

What to do
Deja vu

I'm the fool

Based on Italy 2024
Angelina Mango — La noia

Considering the fact
I’m dangled nearly flat
Soaked some bread with weeder
An unfortunate feeder
And now we wait!

Connected up a set of pad pressures
One's secured on the side of a bowl
I’ve tied banana leaves around all the edges
I mean it’s not like I’ve not thought this through, and really
Where exactly could it go to if it ran?
There’s a wire tied to me to finish off the trap
I'm poised here hoisted upside down
Mousy mousy will be caught out with a snap
Because this furry Muridae has had its day!

Decoying squeak squeak-squeak
Deploying
Denying squeak squeak-squeak
Destroying

It makes sense, there’s a reason
That this place stinks of mouse pee
And when it ventures out feeding
It goes straight for my pantry
War’s declared and today’s the day
Restaurant’s shut, end of party
Incredible, it seems fearless
Yes, this guest I simply detest!

Ah, I can see it through the hallway… mmm…
Now it’s running to the foyer
not now
Oh, it’s over by the boiler… argh…
It's legged it past the toilet
not now

Browsed the internet for “catching prey, traps, kill, maim, stab, poison”, but initial results didn’t look quite right…
And for the first time since I left school, I fully realised I have what others don’t: I won sixth place gymnastics inter-college!

Fitness we’ll have to witness
If these days I can still get my body fully contorted? hmm…
Winches holding my inches
Rehearsed - it’s as much in preparation as action

I intensely believe that
This could not be the finale
There's a sense, just a feeling
It might not just be the one here…
Nonetheless I’ll get rid of it
Question not my resolve here
Enough’s enough, can’t be clearer
A final rest will come to this pest!

Ah, it’s come running from the corner… uh ha…
A bit more then I’ll pull this wire
not now
Oh, it’s nearly where I want it… argh*mph*
My hanging hair’s annoying!
not now

*several hours pass*

I know this rigging prewarns it
Swinging and swinging come morning?
I’m not going to entertain yawning
I’ll keep quiet until I’ve contained it

Come here, bugger, just come here
My wrist itch is just unparalleled, can’t feel my right leg
And I really must confess here: I’ve lost my vest top
It slowly came loose this way up, floated that way, doesn’t matter! Ugh:
It’s toying squeak squeak-squeak
Avoiding
Enjoying? squeak squeak-squeak
Rejoicing!?

My bare breasts droop freely
And out of my jeans falls money
The whole purpose so feeble
How I’d enjoy a large brandy
Nonchalance now seems really lame
Messed this up so completely
My lines caught up, I’m just spinning
So distressed, a mess, and undressed

Now my bra's caught up in the fryer… argh…
I do believe I’m now on fire
not now
Ugh, the mouse is ambling to the wire… Oh, argh…
Could it be I die here?

not now

squeak, NOW!

*mouse smiles and slowly walks off to the pantry*

Based on Denmark 1988
Hot Eyes — Ka' du se hva' jeg sa'?

Tonight, I’m attending the Danish Music Awards
This year the guest star is a singer whose name is Beyoncé
Everybody speaks like she is the best thing in the world
She might sing so well, and she might dance so well but
I don’t know who she is

Can’t you see, Beyoncé?
I say to her as we meet,
that you don’t have enough charisma
Can’t you see Beyoncé
that your styling is so meh?
You need to do something with that hair

Get orange highlights,
put on some hair gel
You know, spiked hair is back in style
But, can’t you see Beyoncé
green does not suit you?
I wear it so much better than you

She’s now performing, while people watch with interest
“she has a halo” is what an older woman behind said
Meanwhile I almost fell asleep, I cannot understand
the key to her success, she is overrated
I cannot help but tell her:

Can’t you hear, Beyoncé
that you were always offkey?
You sounded like my good friend Wilfried
Can’t you hear, Beyoncé
your voice sounds flat and shrill?
While I make Danish sound melodic

Get singing lessons,
hire vocal coaches
I can teach you all my techniques
But don’t you see, Beyoncé?
The music world is rough
and you just don’t have what it takes

Erm… Kirsten, my darling,
you are making a scene
Have you forgotten your pills? (oh! she forgot her pills!)
Let’s go home already
And let’s leave poor Beyoncé alone
(leave poor Beyoncé alone!) Don’t wanna go:

Can’t you see, Beyoncé
that your dance moves are OK?
But mine are so much sharper than yours
Can’t you see, Beyoncé
you move like that mangup girl?
I guess you are still a single lady

Get some dance classes, rehearse every day
You really need to up your game
So, can’t you see Beyoncé
That you need some good props? we had a
hard cardboard guitaaaaar
Søren drags Kirsten out of the venue while everybody applauds.

Based on Greece 1995
Elina Konstantopoulou — Pia prosefhi

This untold story originates in ‘82
Maltasong held in Valletta
Lost forever...

A band of five from Ix-Xagħra
Lead vocals sung so well by
A young girl called Fifuccia
Their victory: runawayed
Won the ticket to Eurovision
In quaint Harrogate

Club Croccanti
Became the hope of an entire nation
Club Croccanti
Performed a bop titled Lesbos
Chasing their dream
But when the voting reached its culmination
Club Croccanti
Had just received a mere four points

So why have you not heard about them?
And why did they fail so bad?
Lost rumours carried whispers
They did something on that stage
So vulgar and obscene they next day…
…were disqualified

Club Croccanti
They swore their innocence, but no one listened
Club Croccanti
Even Jan Leeming was appalled
Viewers threw fits
The BBC had to take drastic measures
Club Croccanti
Had to be wiped from history

Aaaaaaargh!

Club Croccanti
They were deleted from all extant footage
Club Croccanti
The voting sequence was reshot
Retcon achieved
The other artists banned from speaking of them
Club Croccanti
Yet all they did was to sing fuq

 

Based on Netherlands 1975
Teach-In — Ding-a-Dong

In the village, one night, I woke up with a fright.
Men burst in my room and said, “You! Come along!”
Out of fear I swallowed at what was to follow:
now I would be offered to Mao Zedong!

Before long I would cower as I was deflowered
by the chairman’s infamous microdong.
“Well, go on!” said my parents. “That is no deterrent!
There’s no greater honour than Mao’s wee schlong!
So run along!”

Sent off feeling contrite, at the chime of midnight,
I was carted off with a big, teeming throng
of young girls just like me, peasant girls who can’t read,
to prostrate ourselves before Mao Zedong.

All day long we were pampered, readied to be tampered.
When the moment came I felt woebegone.
What a pong! Thought I’d be sick. His breath smelled like pigshit
and his wiener looked like a champignon
three inches long.

(Here he comes! Just play along!)

“Won’t you kiss me all over?” says Chairman Mao.
Bright green teeth only add to the horror –
when he smiles, tears spring to my eyes.
(Hold on, be strong!)
“Mao Zedong, oh great teacher, I beg you:
Teach me to be worthy of love!”

Has his fill, then alights. When he casts me aside,
I picture my parents and think: ‘You were wrong.’
I feel cheap and bloodied, wounded, shamed and sullied,
angry what he’s done with that dick and tongue.

Mao Zedong never showers. His stench overpowers.
Never even sponges his tiny schlong.
Wipes his dong on bed linen, ‘cleanses’ it in women:
“Me? I wash myself in their virgin bods!”

When Zedong is inside ya, lie back, think of China,
since you know he won’t last for all that long.
Concubines are respected, even when rejected.
Daughters, unlike sons, have to settle for
what comes along.

Based on Slovakia 1998
Katarína Hasprová — Modlitba

Green room, Birmingham, 1998

As a child, I sang with pure grace
While my father was shovelling snow
Mother, reserved, but pride on her face
When I shone in the village’s shows

Cut to this week:
I think my sweet vocals impressed
In rehearsals, and then came that party:
I woke up clothed
In Guildo Horn’s velvet blue suit
Lost my virtue, this heavenly virtue
And Marie Line knows…

Feel my heart, it’s pounding so fast
As Ulrika calls Zagreb to start
Desperate for one point, maybe two, maybe four
Sharing tense smiles with cute little Lars

So it begins:
Davor giving one point to Spain
Then I’m startled there’s votes for Dawn Martin
Cyprus got four, sweat is drenching my forehead
And Malta at seven, yet I’ve still got zero
But then he says eight…

WHAT A GREAT START!!!!!!!!! Pour Slovaquie!
They liked my class, not the tacky
What if my high art won the trophy?
Stardom at last!
Stardom at last…

Smug, inside I sneer at those fools
So deluded but stranded on nil
Dana looks downbeat, not a prayer, not a hope
She’ll be mad as she hears my reprise

Soon I’ll be named
The Queen of each village and Saint
Of Cathedrals in my dear old country
Airports and schools will be named for me, they’ll put up
Statues to worship me
I’ll be far bigger than Shakespeare and Bach

I’ll sweep the board at the Grammys!
Four farewell tours in my eighties!
I’ll wed Prince Charles — you’d better curtsy!

Now votes from Greece…
…Lord, please…
…ten points at least…?

Based on Bulgaria 2009
Krassimir Avramov — Illusion

We would leave for an isle
But the forecast’s vile

Heat wave’s nearing in style
Just will cope for a WHIIIIIIIILE
(Our folks are jarred)
Now our mood is marred
(We’ll be on guard)
This will be super haaaaaaaaaaaard

Dumb me
Has long craved AC
Home, I tend to moan
Anywhere’s hot, no cool spot

More heat
Would force to excrete
Most body junk
Urine and sweat
And both I looooooOOOOOOATHE

Skin’s beginning to shine
Droplets go down our SPIIIIIIIINE
(This is no fun)
Harshness has begun
(Such sticky run)
Failed to deal with such suuuuuuuuuuuun

See our image decline
Now we look like a SWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE
(Our tunics suck)
Forced to sport this muck
(Born here: tough luck)
Wearers stink like a duck
So yuck

(Oooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww)
Hear me, I beg
Aid us from above
Feels like pure hell
Here we plead: cast your speeeeeeeell
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW

(His condition’s not nice)
(Only seems to howl:) IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE
(We’re all like, wow)
Having sunstroke now
(Pain in his brow)
Can’t seem to know hoooooooooooow

Feeling symptoms and signs
Only view is blurred LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINES
(He’ll have to grind)
Drugs I’ll have to find
(With dizzy mind)
Get trips of some kiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIND

(Even here on a high)
(Can’t avoid shrieking) Heeeeeeeere IIIIIIIIIIIII
(May burn like brass)
(But heat will pass) QuiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIT

Based on Ireland 2025
EMMY — Laika Party

(Emmy was way off)

A stray dog with heartworm that’s half-mange and half-fur
Poor Nikita Khrushchev’s plan’s absurd
Beat the USA, starting with the space race
By putting a lone little dog in space

First they pin her down, then they knock her out
Hold her all the time in a cage yay wide
To acclimatise to her rocket life

But no, Laika’s health declines, the mad regime soon makes her ill
It’s no help that they starve her and then put her on the pill
Because they fear that something bad has happened to her heart
They poke Laika full of wires

Laika’s body isn’t prized
Laika’s body’s traumatized

Poor dog suffers constant constipation
’Cause she’s trapped inside a cage and
If they feed her, it’s some space gunk
She’s depressed and in a blue funk
It’ll get much worse than this though
This is all part of the pre-show
While she’s being held in Moscow

Soon she’s vomiting and groans from the weakness in her bones
Penned up so long she can’t walk or run
She can’t do nowt but cry when she’s forced to lie
In a centrifuge to stress-test her spine

All that spinning round, hanging upside down
Leaves her terrified with half-blinded eyes
Twisted up inside, but she’s passed for flight

They dope Laika for the ride toward her Uzbeki farewell
And there they launch old Muttnik on a one-way trip to hell
The force (3 Gs) and mounting stress wreak havoc on her heart
And so Laika’s stats nosedive

Laika’s body goes haywire
Laika’s body soon expires

First off, the extreme acceleration
Causes hyperventilation
With the cabin overheating
The poor mongrel’s heart stops beating
But her story doesn’t end then
She’s been dead for months on end when
Mutt and Sputnik meet their sad end

Laika’s body hits the sky – oh!
Laika’s body starts to fry – oh no!

And then, having paved the way for spacemen
An incinerated angel
Falls to Earth from up in heaven

(“Oh, look mom, it’s snowing!”)        Laika’s body in your eyes