Based on Spain 2001
David Civera — Dile que la quiero

Don’t think I would mind, had I consented
But there’s some things about me which
You really must accept

Thought I had much to be recommended
Love, they say, is blind. Seems not, I suspect

Stealthily, you’re changing me
But now you’ve gone too far
Since you have tried to turn me

Vegan by the back door
That simply is a no-no
Don’t you know that soya leaves me on the bog with diarrhoea?

Did not want to say, but
Now we’re on the subject

Bebé, I can’t stand your nut roast
Heaven’s a beef tortilla

(Eat it!)
No more tofu!
(Eat it!)
No, stuff your chickpeas!
(Eat it!)
Never will my mouth or tongue touch
The cack that’s plant-based sausage

While I recognise you’ve tweaked my fashion
Was this success the source of
Your fanatic zeal

But my dear, it’s left you with no compassion
To use these subversive tricks that
Are not exactly that ideal

Maybe this explains away your latest fetish where
You daub my dick in hummus

Really, I must say no
The temperature is too low
Surely you must see that being vegan is no panacea

Did not want to say so
But have you not yet noticed
Beanloaf always gives your sphincter
Some kind of farting seizure

(Eat it!)

(Eat it!)

(Eat it!)

Though it was a crocodile with lipstick

(Eat it!)

(Eat it!)

(Eat it!)

Used to love your cooking, but fish-shaped carrot cake. No!

Can’t you see that it resembles something in the toilet…floating

Never could I say that
It’s taste was not amazing
I didn’t want to enrage you
Cause you get really hangry

Couldn’t go all vegan
I say this most sincerely
Couldn’t live my life without the joy that is a chimichanga

Daily I need meat so
The truth is plain and naked
If you can’t quell your disdain for
This teeny tiny thing, then

Dump me!

Based on Monaco 1971
Séverine — Un banc, un arbre, une rue

In this cruel dark world, where peace is out of reach
I have found my one true savior
Part of a great herd, I listen to him preach
and his words I will savour

I know you think that I'm naive
And that I'm easily deceived, you're misconceived
He made this world a better place
Worship him and you'll be in grace, even gays

Yeah sure, I know he's got his faults
Not every woman has felt safe, a small detail
But was it really an assault?
The common sense will still prevail, he's just male

Toxic online world, especially on X
people are so quick to cancel
Though my sight is blurred, I think he needs respect
It is all circumstantial

And so I'm going to stand by him
No matter what the people say, it's so cliche
I'll be his sinner if he wants
and kneel before him, the foreplay, oh I pray

Hero of our time, you are the one for me
We're in need of Revolution
Never leave me now, I know dreams can come true
Say goodbye to my illusion

Love love love peace peace... I love Måns Zelmerlöw...
You will too if you saw his laaaaa…

 

 

Based on Australia 2019
Kate Miller-Heidke — Zero Gravity

Hey you
(hey you, hey you)
Middle-aged man
Do you
(do you, do you)
Bleed when you poo?

Rectal stinging
That won't go?
Feel low, fatigued?
Losing weight no cardio?

I'd recommend a
Common yet quite invasive procedure
Administered daily globally
It involves an endoscopic camera
Inserted inside your cavity
C o l o n o s c o p y y y y y
With me you see, aah!

Hard stool
(hard stool, hard stool, hard stool)
Or watery?
On loo
(on loo, on loo, on loo)
Gut won't empty?

Any polyps
That are found
We'll biopsy
It will put your mind at ease, reassure

Oh-oh-oh
Sign up for this medical procedure
It could help avoid a tragedy
Even if we don't find any cancer
Your colon will clear out thoroughly

Side effects are
Ra-a-a-a-aaaaare!
You may have mild
Cra-a-a-a-aaaaamps!
Feeling of trapped
Ga-a-a-a-aaaaas!
Still it feels like
A-a-a-AAAHHH!

First please empty your bowels:
Swallow this powder down
Go sit down on the loo bowl
Flush away what comes ou-ou-out

Please change into this gown
Aah-aah-aah....
Lie with your left hip down
Start the sedative countdown
Nurse please check they're knocked ou-ou-out

I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-into
Now you're out for the count
Let us lube up your hole

Ca-a-a-a-a-a-avity
Ease the tube nice and slow, now
Pump air in through the va-a-alve

E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-explore
Switch the camera on
Wiggle it all around

Ca-a-a-a-a-a-arefully
Search for any small mounds, and
Use the tools to scrape ou-u-ut

Fou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ound two
Put them into this tube
Send it off to the lab

No A-a No-o-o-malies
Bring the patient back round, now
Share with him the breakdown

Re-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-edo
Nothing scary was found
Schedule your next one now?

*Ah-ah-aaaaah!*

Based on Portugal 2023
Mimicat — Ai coração

Why Curaçao?
It’s in the tropics, but Dutch.
Sort of like if Amsterdam had beaches and sun,
and its canalsides were all coral reef shores.
We are the best in the Antilles because…

Sint Maarten’s got a Caribbean seashore,
but half’s owned by Frenchies, so avoid it, d’accord?
Before you ask, describing Saba’s easy:
“Volcanic drop in the ocean.” (Well, sea.)

Up hill, down dale, we’ve proper peaks all around –
unlike poor Bonaire. So flat! A witch’s tit. No fun.
Just like the Nethies. No point going there.

Try Curaçao!
It’s Holland with
far less cows and rain.

Eustatius offers some amusing place names –
like Fort Jussac and Tumble-Down-Dick (a bay)
and Tommeldijk – but there are much better holes
to stick your finger in on our island home.

Oranjestad was named the capital there,
and shortly after on Aruba as well.
Don’t bother asking – it will just make you frown.
Ours? Willemstad. Just one. No messing around.

Dave Benton tops Aruba’s list of big names
(well, alphabetically) and he’s not even there.
What other reason would you have to go?

Try Curaçao!
Fly there right now!
It’s Holland with
the odd hurricane.

The Dutchies say we need the money much more.
Invest at source, not like they did in days of yore.
Assuage their guilt from growing rich off slaves!

Try Curaçao!
Try Curaçao!
Try Curaçao!
Try Curaçao!

(Not the drink – the place.)

Nee?

Based on Croatia 2023
Let 3 — Mama ŠČ!

Real men losing out to AI, “FAULT!”
More men losing out to AI, “FAULT!”
All men losing out to AI
Trained AI, now Wimbledon, soon more-a, “FAULT!”

Line judge is an electronic, “FAULT!”
More calls made by electronic, “FAULT!”
Ball out? We check electronic
Trained AI, now Wimbledon, soon more-a

Elektra

We put trust in the robotic, “FAULT!”
New serve, called by the robotic, “FAULT!”
Let serve, review by robotic
Trained AI, we listen and we don’t judge

FAULT FAULT FAULT OUT OUT FAULT OUT OUT FAULT FAULT
FAULT FAULT FAULT FAULT FAULT FAULT OUT FAULT FAULT OUT
FAULT FAULT FAULT FAULT OUT FAULT FAULT FAULT FAULT OUT

Dammit, dammit, dammit
You would think it’s enough
Dammit
Now we do what?

System has gone psychopath
How to stop it, we know not
Crowd goes crazy, ears are hot
Dammit, make sure it shuts

Elektra

AI, we need you no more-a, “SSSHH!”
AI, no charm, you’re a bore-a “SSSHH!”
AI, silence, ¿por favora?
Game, set, match, AI, you need to go-a

Don’t let bots call all the shots
Sideline humans, that is what
Wimbledon does, it should not
Have tech take all our jobs

Don’t let bots call all the shots
Unite, people, flesh and blood
We’ll destroy the robot squad
Ball boys, time, get in line

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck

Drones are covering the air
Digital meets manosphere
Toxic tech is everywhere
We scream: death to AI

*SPITS*

Based on Yugoslavia 1987
Novi fosili — Ja sam za ples

I wanna tan, ooh
So need a tan, oh yeah

Went out to Turkey, just brought some sun oil
And nothing much else
For sure you will see me, out in my bikini
In Ölüdeniz

And then in October, just as I remember
The sun fades away, it’s not okay
I may be brown but I can’t wait till May!

Back home in winter, what’s a girl to do?
HP sauce, BBQ and passata too
To mix on skin, ooh
Keep up that tan, oh yeah

But this tan mixture is attracting flies
Plus, I gave a date a horrible surprise
This ‘tan’ won't do, no
No, it won't do, oh no

My skin’s so white *sobs*
Google some flights, oh yeah

January's too cloudy, unacceptably
My melanin’s low
I fly to Canaries, but there it's still rainy
For heaven’s sake, no

It’s clear one must go now a little bit further
For Vitamin D – much further south
Off to Brazil now - Janeiro, olá!

In some favela, been hooked up with man
To buy cheap olive oil, to enhance my tan
He has a van! Ooh!
Soon gonna tan, oh yeah

Why are policemen chasing me on bikes?
Is this oil more than that was just described?
Maybe it’s drugs, whoops
It's heroin? Oh, shit

For trafficking, whoops
Got twenty years, and now
Not gettin' tanned

Based on Belgium 1967
Louis Neefs — Ik heb zorgen

She joined the ovation, displayed admiration
And faked her elation when Logan won the show, oh oh oh oh
But bruised by the scoring, she chose to go zorbing
She thought some wild rolling would soothe her inner woe, oh oh oh oh

She climbed inside, cried in her plastic ball:
"Surely I'd earned the crown?"
Spinning at speed, she seethed "I'll show them all!"
She'd mow her rivals down, mmm…

She crashed with a loud boom right into the green room
She howled "Retribution! It's time you all atone!", oh oh oh oh

Carol's mad eyes spied Rikki as he fled
Laughing, she chased and pounced
Marcha got wedged fast by her shoulder pads
Left her bones finely ground, mmm…

Then Carol felt panic – "My zorb's going manic!"
She couldn't control it and tore off down the road, oh oh oh oh

Mannekin Pis hit, dents his little "thing"
Stunned, he froze up mid-piss
Carol screamed "God, no!" – roughly flattening
Two nuns deep in their frites, mmm…

Her cheeks flapped with G-force as she joined a racecourse
She zoomed past each racehorse then sped off to the coast, oh oh oh oh
In Oostende, she prayed it would end there:
Near four baffled herons, her zorb began to slow, oh oh oh oh

But no! She kept zorbing, shot right off the pier end
They say she's still rolling – last seen in Mexico, oh oh oh oh

Based on Bosnia and Herzegovina 1994
Alma & Dejan — Ostani kraj mene

We match
With small exceptions
Your god's wrathful, ours are elephants
Samosas
Are the same, except we put a little beef in ours
We joined hands
Patna to Satna to exhaust the British Raj
Both striving for self-ruling India

Stay with me
Find a way
For all Punjab minorities
For all the Nagas left in Sindh
For all Pradeshes
To back Hindustani
Unity

A mosque in Kochi now?
No more Mecca. Take your muftis back to Karachi
Koil in east Bengal?
What next? Obligation we must bow to Santoshi?

Not this way
Boti pakoras don't belong by Parvati
Discontented, we face reality

Part from me
Scram away
No more Assam atrocities
The Himalayas are for me
We'll be two countries for all eternity
.
.
.
Maybe three

Based on Luxembourg 2025
Laura Thorn — La poupée monte le son

Proudly your sixth favourite Yugoslav nation
Boring towns, one fjord, and musical sensations
Come to Podgorica for our celebration
Montesong! Montesong!
RTCG come on!

We’ll just rig the jury vote for Nina Žižić
Surely twelve points translates to the same in Danish
Even though the song could just be Breathe from Wish
What? Dva Srca? Baryak?
Those singers don’t connect

Ratings don’t look so hot
Phone vote turnout has dropped
But who cares no straight man is going to watch
Our Bond-theme knock-off
Emmelie? Oh fuck off!
What have you done?

This poopy Montesong
Vladana! Vladana!
Where did it all go wrong?
Don’t blame Dolce Hera
At poopy Montesong
From Niksic to Budva
No-one knew it was on
Clickbait was the winner
A poopy Monte-

Miss Vučinić’s mind turned to her revenge
Four hundred and forty three viewers offend
Punishment so dire you cannot comprehend
Giardia! Nausea! Parasitical hell

Reservoirs transformed to be like a latrine
Water quality worse than you’ve ever seen
Streptococcus flowing through Durmitor streams
One mad woman. Heinous plan
Poisoned the nation’s well

Sure she’s over the top
Strained by her Turin flop
Who could ever foresee this plumbing plot
Look at what she’s done
Montenegrins all sweat and clench their bums

A poopy Montesong
Gastrointestinal
Sphincter control has gone
Please wear a bin liner
That poopy Montesong
Poofly infestation
All thoughts turn to marron
Loose bowel occasion
The poopy Montesong

Neonoen feel unwell
Đurđa’s gut is a fuel cell
Bend 9 are curled up as well
Shigella?

Things about to get nasty
Hope you choke on poopity
Eurocolonoscopy
Just eat my…
Just eat my…
Just eat my shit…

A poopy Montesong

Based on Georgia 2011
Eldrine — One More Day

Wake up today, turn on my phone to test my brain
After sleep, a puzzle helps me feel awake
Little game that I play, I do it every day
Every time I complete it with ease again and again

Chained fibre spun by a liar
Hobbit who lives in the Shire
Largest city on the Nile
(Red?) flower found in bouquet
Remains left after cremation
Big toy shop based in Mayfair
Organ that hears through vibration

Hell yeah, I’m nearly halfway
So good at this it’s unfair
At these crosswords I truly am great

Your skill merits a full investigation
I cannot let you solve this easily puzzles meant to be a bugbear
But I must comply with the strict regulations that bind me
How can I make this cocky girl pull out all her hair?

More words found!

This is a direct threat
I’ll see that she resents the day she started puzzling
Clues once tame, I’ll make them insane
I know she’ll want to play by the rules of our game

I will not take this bait, gonna finish anyway
No way, this will surely cause pain
This war game will not be fought with sword but pen

A single object for hire
Potting tool used by Maguire
Demand transport mode by cycling
Beast hidden in retro grey
Loose money and transformation
Nordics sharing the name Claire
Hero sat for integration

Oh no, I can’t find my way
Your cryptic clues are unfair
They’re easy to play when you are clever and brave
But I doubt that you possess the skill to do it today
Gonna have one more try, please spectate

In you I have no faith

(I HATE THIS GAME)

Sent to city with large spire
Frenchman surrounded by tyre
Cute stub entering a vial
Made darker, literally – gay
Pasta type shaped by migration
It’s worth nothing if you tear
Holy sickness elongation

Ok, can’t do it today
To beat this man, we must share
Think you guys could help me out?
That’s great!