Tried to make it safe, this is scary
Buckets should have held, it’s a mystery
Cannot call it mould, more a house soup
Kayaking in fear with my poor doormat
Wiped out all the food in my pantry
Left unrescued, bobbing, a strawberry
Most don’t even float, it’s all wet goo
Close to sea-sick here, I’m gonna…
*Dry heaves violently*
Bleurgh
Right, it’s simply do or die here
Saw this thing showing how to on Vimeo
You need a hammer, a screwdriver, or just possibly a saw?
No more leaky faucet and get back to before.
Now every bloody room is a gigantic bathtub!
My big Monstera plant is no more
My hamster’s using leaves as a rescue raft
I should have been wary the minute it went
tap, tap, tap, tap, tap-tap
tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap
Guess that pipe right here wasn’t the right thing to..
tap, tap, tap-tap, tap, tap
Water’s rising way too quickly..
tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap
It’s getting really scary, so much flow from that..
splash, splash, splash-splash, splash, splash
I did try the plumber but all I’m getting is:
“Emergency hotline, I’m sorry. You’re caller on the telephone:
99”
“My sink’s about to explode!”
That bitch of a plumber really doesn’t care at all!
Fuck me, now she hangs up!?
In a last resort, told myself that
With gaffer tape it will have to do for now
Guess what happened the minute I tried to do that
splash, splash, splash, splash, splash-splash
Oh golly, the madness, I’m trapped in this damp inferno
Drama, so awful, a flood fit for a Bible
Water is rising, apocalypse from my damn sink
And what’s this weird noise, oh… it’s coming from the loo?
splash, splash, splash, splash, splash, splash
Vast amounts of faeces pouring out of the..
splash, splash, splash-splash, splash, splash
It’s all so unsanitary..
splat, splat, splat, splat, splat, splat
Tons of turds parasailing, diarrhoea attack
splat, splat, splat-splat, splat, splat
My house sank like the Titanic
Forty-eight hours since my quandary
Now there’s an ocean in my city
Neighbours gathering up on their roofs
Wave and shout at me as I float away
I can’t even tell where I’m heading
I’m hearing men chant, am I dreaming?
Now I’m seeing things… is that an actual souk?
I seriously fear that I’ve lost my mind…
Oh god, oh god, oh god, have I floated to Istanbul?..
*A snake charmer floats away atop a weaved basket as terrified merchants try to stay afloat. The water level rises to a gigantic wave that engulfs everything around her*
gush, gush, gush, gush, gush, gush
DIY tsunami but I still hear my
gush, gush, gush-gush, gush, gush
No one left around to save me…
Hey! Oh hey lady! don’t drift away! I’m going to die at sea, all alone on my raft Aim to swim this way! Oh..
Help me
You’re too far away! Hey! Hurry Hurry! For you we’ll pray Please lord save me! She’s drowned anyway I can’t feel my legs…
Based on Monaco 1971
Séverine — Un banc, un arbre, une rue
In this cruel dark world, where peace is out of reach
I have found my one true savior
Part of a great herd, I listen to him preach
and his words I will savour
I know you think that I’m naive
And that I’m easily deceived, you’re misconceived
He made this world a better place
Worship him and you’ll be in grace, even gays
Yeah sure, I know he’s got his faults
Not every woman has felt safe, a small detail
But was it really an assault?
The common sense will still prevail, he’s just male
Toxic online world, especially on X
people are so quick to cancel
Though my sight is blurred, I think he needs respect
It is all circumstantial
And so I’m going to stand by him
No matter what the people say, it’s so cliche
I’ll be his sinner if he wants
and kneel before him, the foreplay, oh I pray
Hero of our time, you are the one for me
We’re in need of Revolution
Never leave me now, I know dreams can come true
Say goodbye to my illusion
Love love love peace peace… I love Måns Zelmerlöw…
You will too if you saw his laaaaa…
Based on Australia 2019
Kate Miller-Heidke — Zero Gravity
Hey you (hey you, hey you)
Middle-aged man
Do you (do you, do you)
Bleed when you poo?
Rectal stinging
That won’t go?
Feel low, fatigued?
Losing weight no cardio?
I’d recommend a
Common yet quite invasive procedure
Administered daily globally
It involves an endoscopic camera
Inserted inside your cavity
C o l o n o s c o p y y y y y
With me you see, aah!
Hard stool (hard stool, hard stool, hard stool)
Or watery?
On loo (on loo, on loo, on loo)
Gut won’t empty?
Any polyps
That are found
We’ll biopsy
It will put your mind at ease, reassure
Oh-oh-oh
Sign up for this medical procedure
It could help avoid a tragedy
Even if we don’t find any cancer
Your colon will clear out thoroughly
Side effects are
Ra-a-a-a-aaaaare! You may have mild
Cra-a-a-a-aaaaamps! Feeling of trapped
Ga-a-a-a-aaaaas! Still it feels like
A-a-a-AAAHHH!
First please empty your bowels: Swallow this powder down Go sit down on the loo bowl Flush away what comes ou-ou-out
Please change into this gown
Aah-aah-aah…. Lie with your left hip down Start the sedative countdown Nurse please check they’re knocked ou-ou-out
I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-into Now you’re out for the count Let us lube up your hole
Ca-a-a-a-a-a-avity Ease the tube nice and slow, now Pump air in through the va-a-alve
E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-explore Switch the camera on Wiggle it all around
Ca-a-a-a-a-a-arefully Search for any small mounds, and Use the tools to scrape ou-u-ut
Fou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ound two
Put them into this tube
Send it off to the lab
No A-a No-o-o-malies
Bring the patient back round, now
Share with him the breakdown
Re-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-edo
Nothing scary was found
Schedule your next one now?
Why Curaçao?
It’s in the tropics, but Dutch.
Sort of like if Amsterdam had beaches and sun,
and its canalsides were all coral reef shores.
We are the best in the Antilles because…
Sint Maarten’s got a Caribbean seashore,
but half’s owned by Frenchies, so avoid it, d’accord?
Before you ask, describing Saba’s easy:
“Volcanic drop in the ocean.” (Well, sea.)
Up hill, down dale, we’ve proper peaks all around –
unlike poor Bonaire. So flat! A witch’s tit. No fun.
Just like the Nethies. No point going there.
Try Curaçao!
It’s Holland with
far less cows and rain.
Eustatius offers some amusing place names –
like Fort Jussac and Tumble-Down-Dick (a bay)
and Tommeldijk – but there are much better holes
to stick your finger in on our island home.
Oranjestad was named the capital there,
and shortly after on Aruba as well.
Don’t bother asking – it will just make you frown.
Ours? Willemstad. Just one. No messing around.
Dave Benton tops Aruba’s list of big names
(well, alphabetically) and he’s not even there.
What other reason would you have to go?
Try Curaçao!
Fly there right now!
It’s Holland with
the odd hurricane.
The Dutchies say we need the money much more.
Invest at source, not like they did in days of yore.
Assuage their guilt from growing rich off slaves!
Real men losing out to AI, “FAULT!”
More men losing out to AI, “FAULT!”
All men losing out to AI
Trained AI, now Wimbledon, soon more-a, “FAULT!”
Line judge is an electronic, “FAULT!”
More calls made by electronic, “FAULT!”
Ball out? We check electronic
Trained AI, now Wimbledon, soon more-a
Elektra
We put trust in the robotic, “FAULT!”
New serve, called by the robotic, “FAULT!”
Let serve, review by robotic
Trained AI, we listen and we don’t judge
FAULT FAULT FAULT OUT OUT FAULT OUT OUT FAULT FAULT
FAULT FAULT FAULT FAULT FAULT FAULT OUT FAULT FAULT OUT
FAULT FAULT FAULT FAULT OUT FAULT FAULT FAULT FAULT OUT
Dammit, dammit, dammit
You would think it’s enough
Dammit
Now we do what?
System has gone psychopath
How to stop it, we know not
Crowd goes crazy, ears are hot
Dammit, make sure it shuts
Elektra
AI, we need you no more-a, “SSSHH!”
AI, no charm, you’re a bore-a “SSSHH!”
AI, silence, ¿por favora?
Game, set, match, AI, you need to go-a
Don’t let bots call all the shots
Sideline humans, that is what
Wimbledon does, it should not
Have tech take all our jobs
Don’t let bots call all the shots
Unite, people, flesh and blood
We’ll destroy the robot squad
Ball boys, time, get in line
Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck
Drones are covering the air
Digital meets manosphere
Toxic tech is everywhere
We scream: death to AI
She joined the ovation, displayed admiration
And faked her elation when Logan won the show, oh oh oh oh
But bruised by the scoring, she chose to go zorbing
She thought some wild rolling would soothe her inner woe, oh oh oh oh
She climbed inside, cried in her plastic ball:
“Surely I’d earned the crown?”
Spinning at speed, she seethed “I’ll show them all!”
She’d mow her rivals down, mmm…
She crashed with a loud boom right into the green room
She howled “Retribution! It’s time you all atone!”, oh oh oh oh
Carol’s mad eyes spied Rikki as he fled
Laughing, she chased and pounced
Marcha got wedged fast by her shoulder pads
Left her bones finely ground, mmm…
Then Carol felt panic – “My zorb’s going manic!”
She couldn’t control it and tore off down the road, oh oh oh oh
Mannekin Pis hit, dents his little “thing”
Stunned, he froze up mid-piss
Carol screamed “God, no!” – roughly flattening
Two nuns deep in their frites, mmm…
Her cheeks flapped with G-force as she joined a racecourse
She zoomed past each racehorse then sped off to the coast, oh oh oh oh
In Oostende, she prayed it would end there:
Near four baffled herons, her zorb began to slow, oh oh oh oh
But no! She kept zorbing, shot right off the pier end
They say she’s still rolling – last seen in Mexico, oh oh oh oh
Based on Bosnia and Herzegovina 1994
Alma & Dejan — Ostani kraj mene
We match With small exceptions Your god’s wrathful, ours are elephants Samosas Are the same, except we put a little beef in ours We joined hands Patna to Satna to exhaust the British Raj Both striving for self-ruling India
Stay with me Find a way For all Punjab minorities For all the Nagas left in Sindh For all Pradeshes To back Hindustani Unity
A mosque in Kochi now? No more Mecca. Take your muftis back to Karachi Koil in east Bengal? What next? Obligation we must bow to Santoshi?
Not this way Boti pakoras don’t belong by Parvati Discontented, we face reality
Part from me Scram away No more Assam atrocities The Himalayas are for me We’ll be two countries for all eternity . . . Maybe three
