Based on Switzerland 2009
Lovebugs — The Highest Heights
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We are proud Ethiopians
Did you know, we've thirteen months?
We are proud Ethiopians
Come and live Ethiopian time
In our country well the year is 2016
Because our calendar is different to the rest, see
There's 30 days, in almost all our months
Except the last one, which just has five (or six)
and we celebrate on 9/11 here
Muslim Africans, and all of us - it's our New Year
We gave a passport to Nelson Mandela
Crowned the messiah of the Rastafari - yeah
And the Ark of the Covenant
is under our protection
We have never been colonised
Though they tried (the Italians once)
Keep up
Midday is 6pm
And Midnight is 6am 'cos
We count our time from dawn to dusk
And our capital, we call it Addis Ababa
Above sea level the most in all of Africa
Obsolete, is your so-called '5G' here
Life is sweet for us way back living in yesteryear
That doesn't mean we don't look to what will come
Let us explain what brings us anticipation
Soon we'll see the Remainers win
Celebrate defeat of Trump
We will watch many Weinstein films
Can't wait to see how Game of Thrones ends
He'll soon step down, the Pres. of China Xi Jinping
(Xi Jinping Xi Jinping) Xi Jinping
Malena's daughter will focus on education
The world will not shut down
from now to 2021
ESC: only good will come
Except for poor Portugal
War will not have an influence
UK won't have their microphone stole
We will see a kinetic sun
It will turn without problem
EBU will do nothing wrong
No one will be disqualified, right?
Based on Poland 2006
Ich Troje feat. Real McCoy — Follow My Heart
(They’ve transcribed these songs
A little bit wrong)
Just one letter out
An error, no doubt
Austria – Kaleen is in a Cave
Latvia – will Follow all the way
And Luna – subterranean lakes
Have One Blond needing The Towel
Isaak is now Always on the Nun
The twins say she’s Nunforgettable
It seems that she’s disapproving of
France singing about ‘Man Amour’
Ireland’s song, Doomsday Blur, rocks,
Slovenia’s Veronicas sounds more pop
Marina sings of Japan (had to check)
Like Denmark, Zard is a BAND
Finland can’t find Mules, but Silvester sees Elk
A Croatian Ram has arrived now as well
In their search for a meal Gåte won’t get far
So they’ll Halve a ham from the Özünlə Spar
(Because of this cull
A really bad call
5Miinust eat (gull))
Albania enjoy a renaissance
And Titian inspires other songs
Now Silia wants to learn King Lear
Before Mustii’s Part is Over
Lanora and Jago form a pact
Then Korra and Lizzy join their act
Megara have followed binary code
Their song is now called Fifteen, but
Seems Nemo wasn’t quite so fortunate
‘The Chode’ a title most impertinent
Still, that’s not where the crude changes end
Cause there’s ‘In the Piddle’ and ‘Poop’
The faulty keyboard means that occasionally
The wrong letter count exceeds just two or three
We’ve a Czechian Pedestrian, Israel’s Harry Kane
And Serbia’s Raymondo can’t fix it again
Think Mother Teresa joined the Mafia
Call the Europopo to ease our worst fears
Could be worse, Hera Björk appears Scared of Tights
And Tighter is sad now Nutsa Firetights
Where’s Portugal gone?
(Thought we were all done)
Why’s she not inside?
Greta’s sitting out!
Wakey, wakey, wakey, eggs, eggs, eggs and bakey
Flour up your fingers, stop your hands from shaking
Surely you have heard the winner really bakes it all?
Some say it's the greatest hobby, but it makes my brain go foggy
How the hell do you get lady fingers soggy?
Ready set and bake, hey, Bake Off
Do you like my cakes, Bake Off
They are fluff and moist, hey, Bake Off
Taste them and rejoice! Bake Off
Butter up my bowl, hey, Bake Off
Eat the donut hole, Bake Off
Go ganache your buns, hey, Bake Off
Activate your tongues, Bake Off
Innuendo, saucy pun
Served up straight outta the oven, hon
Bake Off
Hearing the clock tick, you know it's all or muffin
Better check the pastry, give it a good stuffing
Do make sure it all makes for a proper forking
Careful cause Paul gets solemn, doesn't want a soggy bottom
When he goes and takes a dive in your Pavlova
Must give it a try, hey, Bake Off
Munch the mincey pie, Bake Off
Busy with your baps? Hey, Bake Off
Give them proper snaps, Bake Off
Lick a spotted dick, hey, Bake Off
It is worth the whisk, Bake Off
Underbaked or raw, hey, Bake Off
Not for this croissant, Bake Off
If you want a saucy pun
There is only one show for you, hon!
Playing with your dough, hey, Bake Off
Conjure a gateau, Bake Off
Fill it up with cream, hey, Bake Off
Dripping at the seams, Bake Off
Add a spot of booze, hey, Bake Off
Croque it in your bouche, Bake Off
Biscuits are erect, hey, Bake Off
Now present your cracks, Bake Off
Innuendo, saucy puns
Sue and Mel, forever number ones
Bake Off, hey!
Based on Switzerland 1992
Daisy Auvray — Mister Music Man
I saw an app called meowlr
And quite soon I'd swiped right
We both like pets, he's into costume design
Such a perfect man!
Met up at a diner for a date
I could feel the sparks
But by dessert
He smiled and leaned in closer
Whispering in my ear:
“What's your furry, m'am?”
Taken by surprise I lost my words
He said: “How 'bout next date at FurCon?”
“Then you can show your fursuit”
So now I must decide:
Am I a panda?
Black and white fur, quite well-recognised
Or a moray?
Slender and sleek
But might he still ask
“What's that furry, m'am?”
Could need something bit more obvious
Maybe just a sloth or sexy moose?
Might he be into antlers?
I don't know
Anthropomorph aphid?
A marmot or a beaver
How can I possibly choose?
Am I a camel?
Humps on my back, will he find that hot?
Or a swan-girl
Feathers on fleek
Though someone might ask
“Is that furry, m'am?”
Must start on my costume
But as what?
Bear, shrew or blue whale?
Or just a gnu
A raunchy brontosaurus
Is that me?
Axolotl? Starfish?
Amoeba, cow or tapeworm?
Maybe I'll just go for “girl”
Based on Ireland 1972
Sandie Jones — Ceol an ghrá (live version)
*an Englishman walks into a bar*
Think that imperial Britain abused you, no – you’re wrong
Stop saying “mam” - it’s “mum”. Children of Lír’s dumb. Leprechauns!
Where has the Magners gone? You call it Bulmers? What?
Good afternoon. How do you do. Your accent’s raw!
Transubstantiation. Schooled by ghastly nuns. You’re just odd
Good rugby? Seriously? Rejected Kiwis form your squad
From Oughterard to Bray. Place names no-one can say
Rains like monsoon. Inopportune. Made Murphy’s Law
Why can’t you see Europe’s taken your sovereignty
But you could be free if you’d just re-submit to our King
Cork smells of pee. Londonderry
And your uileann pipes cause ear pain
Does PR-STV aid good policy? No – it’s flawed
National income? More like tax haven. Overdrawn!
Football here makes no sense. Fisting in sport is dense
Your native tunes give me the blues. Cease the bodhráns
Sadly my name is not Her Majesty Victoria
What? Reparations? Cruel mass starvation? Not my fault
Let them eat bairín breac. Looks like scones, tastes like crap
You can’t impugn, you silly fools, we won the war
Never cared for the craic. Give us Spike Island back
Hurling is cack. The Union Jack shall fly once more
Based on Switzerland 1997
Barbara Berta — Dentro di me
All know
I have a talent
Knowing what's inside us
Can see one's concealed undergarments
Tell you who's lacking good judgement
And shame-award them
Start with Carola
Twenty layers laminate
Taped to her middle
Cassock washed with holy water
Protects her devotional honour
Keeps her vajesus safe
I nominate
Mariella Farré's
G-string that's made
Of piano string lace
Ingvar Wixell's
Ab-scent journelle
Worse yet, Piera Martell's
Laced with iron cowbells
She got from Appenzell
[ shaming trumpet ]
Also
Patricia Bredin
Has one-size-fits-all pants
Aska slipped on a mesh made of cable
Meant to resemble switchboard operator girls
But looked like a fishing net
Corinne Hermès
Gift-wrapped pelvis to breast (tasteless!)
Christine Minier
In her Sunday PJs
Patrick Juvet: bridal bouquet
Taped across his derriere
Hopes he'll marry someday
Lotta Engberg
Stuck chewed gum on her waist
She had no say
The sponsor fees placed it there
Corinna May
Had by mistake
Put her facemask down there
Straps felt like underwear
Easy error to make
Not those.
Worst of all factly
Must be yours truly
See, Swissair have lost all my cargo
So I had Alla's wig borrowed
Put it between my legs
You might remember Debbie Scerri
That all she wanted was to fly
But there’s one thing I’m sure you don’t know
She was, all the time, capable of human flight!
No word of lie! She was born with bat-like wings
Hidden from sight. Like a plane, she could soar and swing
But she was deemed a danger and she
Was banned by the Maltese authorities
Grounded for life, over land and sea ☹
That Danish guy who sang in Moscow?
Hmm! Well he had secrets of his own
Though he had never gained a physics degree
Still he worked hard and he built a machine with which he
Went back in time to his days of innocence
But crossed a line (got in some strife), made mistakes and killed mini-Brinck
Accidently, but still it meant he
Changed history, messed with causality
Undid his life – and his own entry!
Brinck and Debbie’s unknown histories
Though they sound crazed
Are far from uncommon or all that strange. No!
Tip of the ice!
Naked wolf guy? Oh! Belarusian loup-garou
Ted Johnson’s wife? (From ’59) Poor Pearl Carr was half-oyster. True!
Merethe could see she’d score 23
Tania from Greece? Chaplin reborn, you see
Mock all you like! They all lead
Such wondrous lives!
Marion sounds a call with a luring tone
Marion can seduce lustful males with hormones
Bobbejaan wraps in hay, to disguise as plant
Bobbejaan's famous whistle can fake-enchant
Soon we'll know who's adroitest
In comes emotional crowd
Final of the Bird Catching Contest
Two world experts battling it out
Marion hacks a road through the Amazon
Marion tipi-toes to the nest right at dawn
Bobbejaan sets a trap for the avian:
"Bobbejaanland for birds! Step into the fun!"
Marion builds a cage in a coulter pine
Marion ties herself to a forest vine
Bobbejaan sticks a pole in a rock owl den
Bobbejaan lassoes cowboy-style three miles length
Bounty and dignity on mind
Striving contestants press on
The myna's still showing no sign
Of any plan to succumb
Marion's rung a friend for some hunt advice
Marion lays the nest with a seize device
Bobbejaan attempts vinkensport, final stunt
Stalemate as the bird flies towards the sun
