Based on Lynda Woodruff — You're Good to Go

1, 2
1, 2, 3, 4

“Uh, uh… are we ready?”

Eesti Televisioon were mystified
Until the new intern helped set them right

He was just a trainee
Helping make cups of tea
They had no ideas
Till their hero appeared

“Who here’s ever built a stage?”
Tumbleweeds, till his hand rose
“Could float some screens on strings, I guess?”
Their minds were blown

🎶 The phutty sho-o-o-ow, the phutty sho-o-ow 🎶

He grabbed his tool and built the set
He’s such a pro

“Lights: thousand candles?”
He hit the shops
And found half-price dry ice
For Il faut du temps

He helped Corinna May
Get her thong back on straight
Fixed Malene’s hedgehog hairdo
(Made it cute, and stayed mute)

“Francine Jordi’s looking pale…”
Got a spray can, made her glow (spray painting)
“The Spanish need more lube again”
He made it flow

🎶 The phutty sho-o-o-ow, the phutty sho-o-ow 🎶

“Cats scratched-up Karolina’s breasts”
Set torch to blow

For an elf at ETV
He had big ESC energy
From knitting rainbow jumpers
To live-dubbing daba dabas

He counted all the acts
Made the 25th one squirm
Worked out the Dutch kept sneaking back
And ejected Lenny Kuhr

Frank, Keith, carly, rich,
Yami, Martin, Jonas, tim,
Esker and the rest… awful list!
phutty’s the best lyricist
Leprosy and Prolefeed proved it
But of course, we always knew it
(Ungh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh)

phutty picked the fairytales
Freed the goldfish(?) from its bowl (red mullet?)
“Heard Garlick’s really missing Wales…”
He gave her coal

🎶 The phutty sho-o-o-ow, the phutty sho-o-ow 🎶

Talked Marie N out of a fez
He’s such a pro (he’s such a pro!)

“Oryxes are in the way!”
“Ira’s jumpsuit’s got a hole!” (“Save us phutty!”)
“Sahlene ran away again!”
All promptly solved

🎶 The phutty sho-o-o-ow, the phutty sho-o-ow 🎶

“The Netherlands insist they’re next?”
Call in the pro

“Teach-In? Out!”

Based on Bjarni Arason — Aðeins lengur (Iceland NF 2025)

I think the time has come
To express these thoughts I’ve felt
That weigh me down with doubts and consternation

I have lost that certain spark
That underlies my words
Essential to my lyrical creation

Not a lack of inspiration – I have plenty jotted down
But it causes me confusion – leaving me to wear a frown

On this final journey, I will try my damnedest
To analyse and figure out what’s clouding my mind

For I still love this contest, which we’ve co-created
That boldly goes where none have gone

And used to cheer my heart

I’ve been always far from winning – that’s really not the point
Though ending up with bovine hats was thrilling

With your never-ending genius, this contest’s soaring high…

What’s the source of all my tumult
That cannot be denied

I think it’s Eurovision! Not the recent…antics

No, rather I’ve become detached, and less of a fan

For when I’m writing lyrics, although I enjoy it

The memories often bubble up
With feelings that those golden times are gone

Are you expecting a twist?
Or hope I take the piss?

It’s true, I insist:

This is my final lyric, written not with sadness
But laden down with gratitude as I turn the page

To finish, I will thank you
Writers AND Producers

With no regrets as I depart
I bid you all a heart-felt fond goodbye

Based on DeTeresa — La Pena (Spain NF 2025)

Long after the fall of Roma, power concentrated elsewhere, in
Constantinople (Istanbul) but facts about this are rarer
Though to some it's controversial, here's a version of history
For those who are unfamiliar, a tale that's fun, if quite gory

From coins found in Western India to monuments in Athens
Through Constantinos and Basil, Maurice, Zoë, and Irene,
Many forces tried to destroy them, but they always stayed together
Until luck ran out so quickly it deserted them forever
¡Ah!

This is a condensed history of the Byzantine Empire
Which extended from El Rocío all the way to Yüksekova,
Based in Carthage was the exarch who defended Africa
Plus Ephesus, which was vital, guarded Anatolia

Without even mentioning the
Last exarchate of this trio
That one's Ravenna
(III)

After centuries of success a defeat joined the agenda
Embarrassment for Romanos who could not escape from capture
Manzikert was a fiasco, Seljuk Turks appeared hencher
And strategic incompetence turned it to an awful venture

These struggles left a large power vacuum, which made the empire seem a sham
It lost more than just Armenia in the year of ten seventy-one

So from then this faded army struggled on, tried to be clever
But lacked resources and could not long keep itself together
Borders shrank, power was let go, enemies were never far,
Until eventually they just walked through a door left ajar

And defenceless, these failed heroes
Lost forever
(Die, die, die)
¡Ay, ay, ay!

This empire was once ruthless, but its pride came at a cost,
Because in a lot of Europe its signs have been mainly lost,
It lasted for a millennium, but Byzantium slowly died,

Bye, bye, bye
It's gone!

Based on Tudor Bumbac — Tudorel (Moldova NF 2024)

I’ve had quite enough of whales
Sloths with their disgusting nails
Jungles, oceans, all of that
Let’s just film one in my flat
Frankly I no longer care
Can’t I stay here in my chair?

Look, I found a garden snail
Think it might be a female
Or a male, no way to tell
Still I say let’s call it Michelle
Get it? ‘Cause it has a shell
I came up with that myself

🐌

Fine, we’ll do one on big cats
Neighbour’s one is getting fat
See, it's stuck inside its flap
Shame our view is from the back
BBC insists on head
Arse “too Channel 4”, they said

What if we just film some eggs?
Might be crocs’, more likely hens’
As it happens I bought 12
And I only ate about 10
But we can still film the rest
Just pretend this pan’s their nest

🍳

I’ve got old tapes in my shed
Might be some good stuff in there
Sharks or wombles, I’ve not checked
No wait, it’s just weeks of whelks
We should call this one Michelle
I came up with that myself

Got this from a car boot sale
Taxidermied rat, no tail
That could be a show I guess
I’ve won BAFTAs for a lot less
They won’t even know it’s dead
If we pull it on a sled

BBC just called to say
Prime slots just freed up in May
They’ll take any of my scraps
Even that one on cricket bats
I knew they’d come crawling back
Everyone wants Anal Cat

🐈

Where’s my cheque?

Based on Anniela — Elektrisk (Sweden NF 2011)

Pain searching… Pain not found!

Since my birth I’ve got a tolerance that others don’t have.
Pain don’t make me feel a thing; I don’t have the receptors.
So, to make myself fit in, I kind of oversell it.
Screaming loudly when I hit my toenail to the corner.

Tired of this thing that I have
And what other people say,
Started a journey to rewire.

Otitis, tonsillitis, sinusitis
Felt like a warm hug.
Rib fracture, front and back too, should ignite my
Proprioception – no :(
Swarm of bees group-sting me
Got adrenaline but I could barely feel it.
Disjointed, disappointed, turned to science.
Reverse engineer this.

Neurologic illness caused by genetic mutations,
CIP affects one person when you have a million.
Fourty of them live in Vittangi, my mother’s hometown.
Probably got it cause my parents are also first cousins.

No drug agreed upon yet,
-Maybe it’s irrational-
I will continue to “treat” myself.

Paid people, to kick my crotch -no reception,
They were perverts too.
Pulled the plug, got my finger in electric.
Shame that was no use -boo!
What a torture it is
To see others in pain and not know what that is!
Disheartened, I’ll give up now, got no clue if
I will ever cure this…

I throw my things out – live in the street now.
Join a freak circus, but they kick me out.
Start to feel dizzy, fall to the ground, no senses.
Hospital bed now, nurse to my bedside, pinches my finger
Feels like a restart! Shooting pain, I FEEL IT!

The aching is refreshing, kiss the nurses, stare in utter shock.
CIP is my past now, gonna cure all
My town and the suburbs!
First things first, I must do
-You know what- ‘cause I’ve never felt it inside me.
Get my ass into the bar, grab a cute one
But his dong is too small :(
(Awkward tension sounds)