Commando

Based on Giorgia — La cura per me (Italy NF 2025)

In truth, the moment I collected my result
Sense said there must have been a reason
How to start
How to start?

I can’t change the person that I am now
I recalled this while playing piano
Such a tune, it conveys my story
Not my usual stupid type, this means more here…

And now I can’t deny
Definitely some fear
I hope you understand
I beg you not to shed a tear
It’s not like that
It’s... positive

Here’s my view, because there’s always a
Tomorrow
I’ve been lucky, so damn lucky
While it found me, I’m more now

Here’s the truth, it created a
Commando
Because, you see, I’ve grown up because of it
Didn’t let it overwhelm me
Dismissed its call to arm
So long, I sailed away!
Fearless.

Twenty-four years
That’s how long I’ve had it, and actually it’s an
Amazing fact that
Sometimes I almost forget that it’s even there?

And I’ve lost some jobs over it... and friends…
They’re free to
But the ones I’ve kept, well..
They’re unbelievable!
Provided impenetrable love, ha, they are my whole world

And now, as I write this out
I’m only filled with cheer
Don’t have any doubt
You bet I’ve got fight enough for three
The chord I chime, it’s only major: 𝄞

I’m brand new, because there’s always a
Tomorrow
I’ve been lucky, so damn lucky
While it found me, I’m more now

Most of all, it created a
Commando
Because, you see, I’ve grown up because of it
Didn’t let it overwhelm me
Resisted its terror
Saw off the stain of pariah

Here me
Nothing is “Oh, one day soon”, no time is idly thrown
You see, it’s the lovely change in me – something I humbly celebrate to this day
Waiting in the chaos was a me ready to just stand up, own it, know what to do, keep me sane

With humour
Make mistakes
New future
Mine to make
Venture on
More mistakes!
And soon I, learned to love me again.

And indeed the key is only:
Love.
I’ve been lucky, so fucking lucky
While it found me, I’m more now

Yes, it's true, it created a great
Commando
Because, you see, I’ve grown up because of all of it
Didn’t let it overwhelm me
Existence is my right
No sign of my disqualifier, HIV

Linda Bengtzing

Based on Linus Svenning — Bröder (Sweden NF 2014)

It started all så bra
On a Göteborg’s cold night
ALLA FLICKOR’s a BOP
Your future was looking bright
Schlager queen in the making
Carola lost her throne
The fans were excited
As your name was announced

Linda Bengtzing
Our queen Linda Bengtzing
Then, the next year you would do even better
Linda Bengtzing, Linda, Linda Bengtzing
JAG LJÜGER SÅ BRA became a true anthem
Catchiest song
With a botched key change
Lame dress reveal
Linda Bengtzing, Linda, Linda Bengtzing
Your second entry and you’d made history

Still, you kept trying your best
HUR SVÅRT KAN DET VA was next
A “contemporary” tune
with your signature ending
“Modern” does not suit you
But this was not so bad

Linda Bengtzing,
Icon Linda Bengtzing
Stopped for two years, returned with a true Schlager
Linda Bengtzing, Linda, Linda Bengtzing
E DET FEL PÅ MIG was less than impressive
You qualified
But fans did not like
Your new style
Linda Bengtzing
Your songs had gone downhill

Linda Bengtzing
Supreme Linda Bengtzing
I came to Örnsköldsvik to see you perform
Linda Bengtzing, Linda, Linda Bengtzing
I hoped TA MIG’d be a true schlager banger
What have you done?
No final for you
Your worst yet
Linda Bengtzing, my dear Linda Bengtzing
You’ve lost the plot, and your last songs suck big time

Minutes from the RTE Leadership Call

Based on Íris Holm — Leyndarmál (Iceland NF 2012)

Come here we’ve a choice to make. Helsinki in May, our Irish entry
Looking at results to date. Weakness was the song, televotes thin
How ‘bout an open call? Does that sound ok then?

“You berk! Your options are all wrong
We’ll have a one artist final
WITH DERVISH! Trad and folk, nothing can go wrong”

Seems as though the bodhráns failed. Yes four tones out of tune, a minor mistake
Never mind lessons were learned. We’ll turn this around. Emphasis changed
Focus on songs this time? Have a proper final?

“Good guess. We’ll have five different songs
But then let’s add a twist on top
A PANEL! To guide voters to something bland”

With Louis, Billy, and Linda. Sure there's no scandals there
(Sound mix inflicts) true hell on all eardrums everywhere
Is it that hard?

“It’s clear. We’re missing something fun
ADD MENTORS! You know nepotism is hot”

Who cares? Just call Sammy Mumba
Her ballads are so bad
And her chair belongs in Andorra

RTE please could you just pick a nice song

No Homo

Based on Giorgi Pruidze — Me mjera (Georgia NF 2019)

Every day this week so far, there’s
been this “straight” guy at the bar.
Making small talk as he sits there,
thirsty bitch gives me the eye.

Bro, I know where this is going…

HIM: “Got a girl?” (I shake my head.)
HIM: “Guess you’re gay, then. Am I right?
Must be easy finding men
in this city. What’s your type?”

ME: “Men in general.”
HIM: “You’ve no preference at all?”
ME: “Men in general.”
HIM: “Fat, thin, short-ass or tall?”
ME: “Men in general.”
HIM: “Come on, man, not *all*
men in general?”
ME: “Men in general.”

Tilts his head, and then he’s smiling.
Manspread on his seat, he asks
what I think of what he’s packing,
winks, then flashes me his abs.

*Shrug* I check how long is left
till my break at half past nine.
“You for real, man?” straighty says.
HIM: “Girls love this! So what d’you like?”

ME: “Men in general.”
HIM: “What, like, my build, or small?”
ME: “Men in general.”
HIM: “Top or bottom, or both?”
ME: “Men in general.”
HIM: “Come on, man, you must --”
ME: “Men in general.”
HIM: “Men in gener-”

“Bro,” I stop him. “Restrooms, in ten.”

SOON: Oh! Aah! Ooh!! Aaah!! Oh, oh!!! Aaaah!!!

Cishet men are all, “Hell yeah, bros before hoes!”
They’re not gay, of course -- homies but no homo
-- till they’re in that stall,
up against the wall,
with you in their hole.

The Most Meaningful Gibberish

Based on Karmento — Quiero y duelo (Spain NF 2023)

Lalala... lalala lala
Nanana... nanana nana
Ojojoj... ojojoj ojoj

What a sweet realisation:
The wait is over, it’s mid-October!
Feel so much anticipation
And full disclosure: can’t keep composure...
Aboard and off we go!
To the winning city in our thorough voting
This year’s looks so gorgeous, but it is worth noting:
With you, all places glow

One long weekend packed with action
We’ll dine together, upbeat as ever
Sat night is our main attraction
‘Cause one can hardly resist our party
Exciting times ahead!
Six full hours to all the hits that we’d been craving
Make it seven through the gift of daylight saving
Feels like they will never end

I’m thrilled to be bound
To dance next to schlager lovers
And sometimes burst into conga
Or chant ballads all gathered round
A space so safe
Whatever’s expressed is valid
We’ll probably all be shouting
Fun gibberish lines, like:

Manana... manana nana
Tabadam... tam tabadabadam

Song requests did well surprise us
Ace compilation, to our elation
Kudos to the organisers
The club was brilliant, one in a million
The whole event was fab!
Such an atmosphere is so unique to foster
And the explanations to non-fans we offer
They will never fully grasp

Such moments held so dear!
Armographies as per Tajči
Sound fails we love reenacting
Double clapping to Musketeers...
All tunes were sung
Pretending to know the lyrics
Sopranos were of course mimicked
And gibberish, spat out:

Dambadam... dambadam badam
E upa... upa aroha
Op op op... daj ojda ojda
That drip drop... that drip drop drip drop

Balala... balala lala
Šta šta šta... lalala lala
Ouo... ouo uo
Yodelo... yodele yodelo

Drawing Songs in the Sand

Based on Hologramme — Avec des gants (France NF 2000)

The sea is warm and lovely
My friends are calling me to swim
I don't care

Got 26 great topics
They're all to do with what I've grown
To love beyond repair

People stare, but I don't give a fuck
A stick I found will do
An easy art

Drawing songs in the sand
Carol zorbs out of hand

A gashing leaky tap

Big intestine colonoscopy x-ray

Katarína's begun

Lavish shoes, not for run

Next me's a better man

Nice words in Maltese

[beach visitors shocked, cover their children's eyes]

Laika's launched towards her death in space

Tynna goes to undo the open door

Drawing songs in the sand
Writer's block wasn't planned

This crossword is too hard

Kirsten's spiky hair's more chic than Beyoncé's

Perfect-ish Mr Right

Cleaning mess after Kaj

They called a FAULT! It's not.

Crap au-pair, quels cons

(Did you draw hell?) Almost: a Toblerone

(What is this weird flag?) A poopy Montesong

(Wait, who..) A naked Måns

Lovely Måns!

Hæmmorrhoid succulant

The best island of Netherlands

How the BBQ went wrong at the buffet

Emu??

Ostrich, but close enough
Useless mousey trap won't work

I can't draw, but had fun.

"Andy, thank you!"

EC Hall of Fame

Based on Pay TV — Trendy Discoteque (MF 2004)

*dramatic sighs with each passing set of votes*

It's looking very bleak
Was having so much fun
But now it's all tragique
Slight state of panique
Have to write another one
I've died and gone to hell, Gods of AL
Please hear my desperation
I've got no inspiration

Mousetraps, leaky taps
It's AI's fault, I dream about pissflaps
Colonoscopy
I'll gladly pass that one to the next me
Naked Måns? *wauw* Clever you.
Carl-Hortense? *wauw* BBQ!

Have you seen Mr Right
We met at Club Croccanti
A travellalalala in designer shoes
Real ostrich, made by Hasprova
I seek new employment
Fly to Curaçao (or Indiao)
Missed a DM on Twitch
"Let's all do Carol Rich"

My social critique
Should maybe had a bit of tongue in cheeque
With a minor tweaque
It could have come across a bit more sleeque
Still I won! *wauw* Hu? Oh yeah!
Hedlund on! *wauw* Hu? Hurrae!
Calm down, Beyoncé
It doesn't come with a golden trophae

*sighs in desperation while printing shirts to at least get something out of it*

You love a good cross word?
I'm pretty poop at them
I'd rather fact check Laika
Or drown in sand of Saba, because
I suck at this game

EC Hall of Fame
I'm moving up the EC Hall of Fame
I feel like Loreen
A second title after a decade
Sashay or shantay?
It's all about the journey anyway

Designer Shoes

Based on Malta 2000
Claudette Pace — Desire

From the first day I wore them
To the last step I'll take
I've desire to own them
Wear them and make them mine

(Designer…?)
(Designer…!)

If I'm down or I'm low
To websites I go
For a well-needed treat
That will ship to my home

When I click "Add to cart"
I feel joy in my heart
Turns my sadness to glee
That's my sole therapy

Deep in my heart is designer shoe love
Deep in my house boots and slippers pile up
Deep in my closet there's no space for more
Some barely fit - but there's no bargain I'd miss
(Oh yeah)

Give me heels, give me slides
Give me clogs and knee-highs
Give me plimsolls of fibres
From dead crocodile

High-top trainers with soles
Of mother of pearl
Every colour and size
Less is never enough!

Each time I fly my shoes take up the hold
Twelve check-in bags and a grand carry-on
Bought two new houses to make space for more
Favourite brand? - I'll try to name a top three:
(Oh yeah?)

Jeffrey Campbell...
Badgley Mischka...
Axel Hirsoux

Brand new, vintage or old
Ten inch platforms or klomps
Hustling hard to afford
Fiorucci, Tom Ford

These designers aren't cheap
But I find the means
Though my friends do imply
That it's gone ‘bit too far

Sold off my kids to afford custom crocs
Mortgaged my house for an ostrich sabot
Burgled a bank for new uggs from Dior
Chased by police - but looking fly in gold heels

(Deep in your heart is designer shoe love)
I want them all!
(Deep in your mind there is trauma ignored)
Deep down I know this is out of control
Don't care one bit - my sea of footwear's my bliss!
(Oh yeah)

Designer…
Designer…
Designer…
Designer shoes

Serving

Based on Malta 1993 (Maltese version)
William Mangion — Issa

Old stiffs
Snatched all our kanty dreams :(
Should we just send L-imħabba again?

Squish more in
Could make it Serving Fufu?
It means “art” and “smashed cassava meal”

Bit vaginey…
Bet they’ll still whinge it’s minge
No matter what kant we send

Wait, here's one
It's deep as a chimney
I can’t put a finger on where they’d object...

PISSFLAPS
That’s just Maltese for “good song”
We kept it tight-lipped

PISSFLAPS
Oh look, they’re calling… every phone…
It leaked in seconds

PISSFLAPS
You’re on loudspeaker
Hope we made a splash?

…

Eat shit.
(That’s Maltese for goodbye.)
They didn’t like it :(
E-mailed fresh guidelines:

“No vaginæ.”

Does that extend to clit?
Legal team say it depends

Caused a flap
Us sticking our tongue in
What if we just fiddle a bit round the edge?

PISS-FLAPS
That’s how you re-write a song
Just put a gash in

PISS-FLAPS
Those freaky perverts can’t still moan
It's Dutch for “fashion”

PISS-FLAPS
Call from Geneva…

The manager’s proffered Serving Trout :/

PIẞ-FLÄPZ?
If it came from Finland
We bet you’d relent

PEACE-FLAPS?

“We’ll let you serve but
Leave the mingeness out”
(Aww…)

Leaky Tap

Based on Greece 2024
Marina Satti — Zari

tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap

Tried to make it safe, this is scary
Buckets should have held, it’s a mystery
Cannot call it mould, more a house soup
Kayaking in fear with my poor doormat

Wiped out all the food in my pantry
Left unrescued, bobbing, a strawberry
Most don't even float, it’s all wet goo
Close to sea-sick here, I’m gonna…

*Dry heaves violently*
Bleurgh
Right, it’s simply do or die here
Saw this thing showing how to on Vimeo
You need a hammer, a screwdriver, or just possibly a saw?
No more leaky faucet and get back to before.

Now every bloody room is a gigantic bathtub!
My big Monstera plant is no more
My hamster’s using leaves as a rescue raft
I should have been wary the minute it went

tap, tap, tap, tap, tap-tap

tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap

Guess that pipe right here wasn’t the right thing to..

tap, tap, tap-tap, tap, tap

Water’s rising way too quickly..

tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap

It’s getting really scary, so much flow from that..

splash, splash, splash-splash, splash, splash

I did try the plumber but all I’m getting is:

“Emergency hotline, I’m sorry. You’re caller on the telephone:
99”
“My sink’s about to explode!”
That bitch of a plumber really doesn’t care at all!
Fuck me, now she hangs up!?
In a last resort, told myself that
With gaffer tape it will have to do for now
Guess what happened the minute I tried to do that

splash, splash, splash, splash, splash-splash

Oh golly, the madness, I’m trapped in this damp inferno
Drama, so awful, a flood fit for a Bible
Water is rising, apocalypse from my damn sink
And what’s this weird noise, oh… it’s coming from the loo?

splash, splash, splash, splash, splash, splash

Vast amounts of faeces pouring out of the..

splash, splash, splash-splash, splash, splash

It’s all so unsanitary..

splat, splat, splat, splat, splat, splat

Tons of turds parasailing, diarrhoea attack

splat, splat, splat-splat, splat, splat

My house sank like the Titanic

Forty-eight hours since my quandary
Now there’s an ocean in my city
Neighbours gathering up on their roofs
Wave and shout at me as I float away

I can’t even tell where I’m heading
I’m hearing men chant, am I dreaming?
Now I’m seeing things… is that an actual souk?
I seriously fear that I’ve lost my mind...

Oh god, oh god, oh god, have I floated to Istanbul?..

*A snake charmer floats away atop a weaved basket as terrified merchants try to stay afloat. The water level rises to a gigantic wave that engulfs everything around her*

gush, gush, gush, gush, gush, gush

DIY tsunami but I still hear my

gush, gush, gush-gush, gush, gush

No one left around to save me...

Hey! Oh hey lady! don’t drift away!
I’m going to die at sea, all alone on my raft
Aim to swim this way! Oh..

Help me

You’re too far away! Hey! Hurry Hurry!
For you we’ll pray Please lord save me!
She’s drowned anyway I can’t feel my legs...

At least now I’m dead, no more tap trauma.