Based on Denmark 1986

Out on the piss
Said I couldn’t stay for longer
You disagreed, that’s all right

Stayed up for you
Said you’d have one more? You liar
I see the truth
As you stumble through the door

You are full of wine
Nodding slowly, drooling slightly
Randy little smile, leering too
With that look in your eye
I bet you’re thinking you’re in luck here
But I could use my beauty sleep tonight

You said you’d text
You sent an aubergine emoji
That wasn’t what I had planned

Put down the beer
And no, I won’t make you a sandwich
What makes you think I enjoy your roaming hands?

You are full of wine
Hard to be seductive
When you’re looking at my face, seeing two
So don’t act like it’s fine
The traffic cone you brought back with you
Is getting action more than you tonight

Then you get all maudlin
Say your love is real
I tell a bedtime story and you try to grab a feel

I can see that
(I can smell that)

You are full of wine
Or you brushed your teeth with Merlot
Couldn’t get it up if you tried

You are full of wine
Can’t you see your talk is boring?
Slurring every line, pleading too
You’re pawing at my thigh
But any moment you’ll be snoring
So take your socks off and turn out the light

You’re lucky you’ve an understanding wife

…Well, okay then, maybe just tonight

Based on Cyprus 1989

You see there’s no deceit
We were sceptical too

But we saw our son get his jabs, then started acting mad:

He sings The Real Me dawn ’til dusk!

You cannot trust the doctors
Despite their kind words and degrees

They never even mentioned
These horrid side-effects: he also sings Brazil

Don’t opt for vaccination:
A manifesto for our times
So says a site we’ve googled

It’s full of super tips, may even have a cure

It seems too much hygiene has made our children weak

To:
– Bring back kids’ good health
– Cure mental lunacy

That webpage shows how to proceed:

Bring sprogs around on Tuesdays
Exposing them to other’s germs

Should they remain quite healthy
These subtle extra tasks will kickstart their immune:

Spread snot on the halloumi
And share it out cut up in cubes

Then sneeze on the tzatziki
While telling everyone the double dip’s approved

With luck one of them gets
Sniffles (or much worse)

Don’t bin that crap they cough up
No, store it in a jar

Mix phlegm with kounoupidi
And use a spoon licked clean by dogs

Stuff pus inside the koupes
And serve it dipped in spit…

You’ll hear the kids scream “ooooo”

We recommend this treatment
Our son’s song taste is much improved

He now sings Aspro Mavro
He’s almost good as new, though still he sings Shiru

Let’s sing aloud these lyrics
To friends and strangers, far and near

“A pox on all your children!”

Explain that it is not

The insult they’d assume

Based on Netherlands 1964

I feel so aggrieved
About how I’m perceived
How I’m regarded
It brings me frustration

It’s not all my fault
That I’m sat on the shelf
That I get no touch
Unloved and unwanted

Physique, don’t make a man
Sure I like my scran
And I’ve no workout regimen

If told all that cheese
Would stop me being squeezed
I’d not have started
To eat all my feelings

Aye, I may be substantial
Just means there’s more to love
While I’m far from petite
My heavy heart adds on the pounds

It’s not just my weight
That seems to irritate
The way I’m acting
You may call it ‘flaming’

The men I have met
Called me effeminate
I tell them please gurl
Straight acting’s self-hatred

But wait, there’s more to come
Mum’s from Vietnam
My father Indonesian

They think that this means
Shortcomings in my genes
But I am gifted
Don’t know what they’re missing

< self-pity waltz >

But wait, I’ve a match
Yass someone wants my snatch
I’m so excited
Just wait while I sign in

Oh no, I must block him

 

he’s FAT, FEMME AND ASIAN

Based on San Marino 2019

 

Finding singers? No chore!
Since this year’s record score
If you want to compete
We’ve got standards to meet
(It’s a change, we know)

Thank you for your interest in SMRTV!
Want to sing in Rotterdam? Not quite that easy
Songs, once scarce, are flooding in, so to choose the best
We’ve compiled some questions here to put you to the test

Have you an exceptional capacity for shame?
When it all goes tits up, will you gladly take the blame?
Are you Valenti-NO? Take off that disguise
Passed this part? Then please proceed to question number five

Our questionnaire is extensive, as you’ll see
So, lay all bare
An example: Could you sing dressed as a tree?
Covered in fleas?
Good! Now agree:
To sing a Siegel banger when he dies
Duet with a former Peppermint
Take Maltese bribes
Or just stand by

See, we said it was tough!
Wasn’t merely a bluff
Wait, there’s still more stuff…

Facebook’s out; this year we’ve got a song about VK (Thanks, Vlad)
Not your style? Try this duet with Moira Stafrace (Say “Tghidlix”)
How ’bout Lys Assia? Yes, we know she’s dead (R.I.P.)
You can simply sing next to her hologram instead (Tasteful? Sure.)

Please understand
Though you’re representing someone else’s land
We expect devotion to the task at hand
So, here’s what’s planned:
A robot band
Say yes and you’re a true Sammarinese
It’s so unbecoming to throw shade and get stroppy
Like Jenny B

Time now for the kicker
(You’ve got to convince me)
Let’s discuss the figures
(Not 1in360)
Time to check your credit
(Low? Then you won’t get it)
Don’t be shy, we’ll check it
Here’s what’s we can debit:

Fifteen cents

It’s nah, nah, nah.
I’m afraid to say your entry’s been declined.
You’ve no parmesan or ham to pay the fine?
No Georgian wine?
End of the line!
You can’t perform for us, but cheer up, please
There’s a place that welcomes all eccentric tendencies
And entry’s free
It’s ALC!