Based on Latvia 2014
Aarzemnieki — Cake to Bake
Was in junior high, having been held back, when it happened after gym class.
Thought I’d lose my virginity to someone sweet, not a member of the staff.
A tenth-grader despite looking twenty-four, and the coach was the same age.
He eyed my jock strap hungrily. “I love dodge ball. Wanna play?”
I was game.
What a mistake to make! Cos he’s hung like a horse.
Sex, sex, sex, sex that’s cuckoo
It should’ve taken prep; a ton of lube too, of course.
Sex, sex, sex, sex that’s cuckoo, sex, sex, sex, sex that’s cuckoo
But turns out this first-time lover power-bottoms like a porn star.
Played the game. Took the pain. Made the grade.
Sex, sex, sex, sex that’s super-cuckoo, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex that’s cuckoo
Sex, sex, sex, sex that’s super-cuckoo, sex, sex, sex
Was stopped by a traffic cop riding his bike while I drove home from my favorite bar,
his big bulging crotch right in my face as he stood beside my car.
Pass or fail this test of sobriety, his intention was clear: he would punish me.
“Just you blow until I tell you to stop”, or else he promised there would be
hell to pay.
What a mistake to make! He sure laid down the law.
Sex, sex, sex, sex that’s cuckoo
In that dark alleyway he pounded and packed me raw.
Sex, sex, sex, sex that’s cuckoo, sex, sex, sex, sex that’s cuckoo
Not a gun in his front pocket, no – a tubful of Boy Butter.
Product placed, me debased, off he raced (poker-faced).
Sex, sex, sex, sex that’s super-cuckoo, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex that’s cuckoo
Sex, sex, sex, sex that’s super-cuckoo, sex, sex, sex
On a UK vacay I got hurt in a fall.
The guy in A&E assessed me, then cupped my balls.
Said his name was Doctor Roger and he’d need to check my todger:
first by hand, then by taste, then encased (in his ass).
Hot AF pizza boy stuffs my crust, earns a tip…
Locker room at the gym, hirsute guy saunters in…
APA with my boss, “Want a raise?” Fucks my face…
Weirdly young Uncle John comes to stay…
What a mistake to make! My straight friend’s at the door.
His girl ain’t puttin’ out, so I do him on the floor.
Then I plow his girlfriend’s father, sixty-nine with my step-brother.
Sound so fake, these mistakes that I make.
Ir īsti.*
* “They're real”