Houseplant Hitman

Based on Norway 2021
TIX — Ut av mørket

All I could see, was so many shades of green
People said it would transform my life, bring the garden inside
But how things would unfold, remains a story untold

Turns out 'twas a trap, was swarmed by pests (fungus gnats)
My cape sundew looked pretty, 'til it digested my cat
I am cursed for sure, every houseplant I own must die

I'm aroused by herbicide
Syngonium white butterfly looks limp, should I mist it?
No, leave underwatered

Barbados aloe needs bright light
Baked it at one-eighty Fahrenheit
Red flames soared up the leaves
I could hear its screams

As for my umbrella tree
Pruned it reprehensibly

My snake plant was doomed placed in a windowless room
Pothos grew vigorously 'til I re-potted too soon
And with tap water poisoned flytraps by alkaline

Uruguay potato vine
Stressed by too much direct sunlight
Strangled my elm bonsai

Parlour palm almost survived
I meticulously flayed all of its weak root system
Needed no assistance
(It died)

I won't humidify (plants without moisture will die)
I'll overfertilize (root system burned by nitrites)
Bought some potting mix that's unsuited for cacti

Never had a chance to thrive
Drainage simply would not suffice
The stem turned into mush so byeeeeeee!
(Floral victims multiply)

Calathea's so fussy - Before I could harm it
Had already carked it
I cried