Based on Yugoslavia 1987
Novi fosili — Ja sam za ples

I wanna tan, ooh
So need a tan, oh yeah

Went out to Turkey, just brought some sun oil
And nothing much else
For sure you will see me, out in my bikini
In Ölüdeniz

And then in October, just as I remember
The sun fades away, it’s not okay
I may be brown but I can’t wait till May!

Back home in winter, what’s a girl to do?
HP sauce, BBQ and passata too
To mix on skin, ooh
Keep up that tan, oh yeah

But this tan mixture is attracting flies
Plus, I gave a date a horrible surprise
This ‘tan’ won't do, no
No, it won't do, oh no

My skin’s so white *sobs*
Google some flights, oh yeah

January's too cloudy, unacceptably
My melanin’s low
I fly to Canaries, but there it's still rainy
For heaven’s sake, no

It’s clear one must go now a little bit further
For Vitamin D – much further south
Off to Brazil now - Janeiro, olá!

In some favela, been hooked up with man
To buy cheap olive oil, to enhance my tan
He has a van! Ooh!
Soon gonna tan, oh yeah

Why are policemen chasing me on bikes?
Is this oil more than that was just described?
Maybe it’s drugs, whoops
It's heroin? Oh, shit

For trafficking, whoops
Got twenty years, and now
Not gettin' tanned

Based on Belgium 1967
Louis Neefs — Ik heb zorgen

She joined the ovation, displayed admiration
And faked her elation when Logan won the show, oh oh oh oh
But bruised by the scoring, she chose to go zorbing
She thought some wild rolling would soothe her inner woe, oh oh oh oh

She climbed inside, cried in her plastic ball:
"Surely I'd earned the crown?"
Spinning at speed, she seethed "I'll show them all!"
She'd mow her rivals down, mmm…

She crashed with a loud boom right into the green room
She howled "Retribution! It's time you all atone!", oh oh oh oh

Carol's mad eyes spied Rikki as he fled
Laughing, she chased and pounced
Marcha got wedged fast by her shoulder pads
Left her bones finely ground, mmm…

Then Carol felt panic – "My zorb's going manic!"
She couldn't control it and tore off down the road, oh oh oh oh

Mannekin Pis hit, dents his little "thing"
Stunned, he froze up mid-piss
Carol screamed "God, no!" – roughly flattening
Two nuns deep in their frites, mmm…

Her cheeks flapped with G-force as she joined a racecourse
She zoomed past each racehorse then sped off to the coast, oh oh oh oh
In Oostende, she prayed it would end there:
Near four baffled herons, her zorb began to slow, oh oh oh oh

But no! She kept zorbing, shot right off the pier end
They say she's still rolling – last seen in Mexico, oh oh oh oh

Based on Bosnia and Herzegovina 1994
Alma & Dejan — Ostani kraj mene

We match
With small exceptions
Your god's wrathful, ours are elephants
Samosas
Are the same, except we put a little beef in ours
We joined hands
Patna to Satna to exhaust the British Raj
Both striving for self-ruling India

Stay with me
Find a way
For all Punjab minorities
For all the Nagas left in Sindh
For all Pradeshes
To back Hindustani
Unity

A mosque in Kochi now?
No more Mecca. Take your muftis back to Karachi
Koil in east Bengal?
What next? Obligation we must bow to Santoshi?

Not this way
Boti pakoras don't belong by Parvati
Discontented, we face reality

Part from me
Scram away
No more Assam atrocities
The Himalayas are for me
We'll be two countries for all eternity
.
.
.
Maybe three

Based on Luxembourg 2025
Laura Thorn — La poupée monte le son

Proudly your sixth favourite Yugoslav nation
Boring towns, one fjord, and musical sensations
Come to Podgorica for our celebration
Montesong! Montesong!
RTCG come on!

We’ll just rig the jury vote for Nina Žižić
Surely twelve points translates to the same in Danish
Even though the song could just be Breathe from Wish
What? Dva Srca? Baryak?
Those singers don’t connect

Ratings don’t look so hot
Phone vote turnout has dropped
But who cares no straight man is going to watch
Our Bond-theme knock-off
Emmelie? Oh fuck off!
What have you done?

This poopy Montesong
Vladana! Vladana!
Where did it all go wrong?
Don’t blame Dolce Hera
At poopy Montesong
From Niksic to Budva
No-one knew it was on
Clickbait was the winner
A poopy Monte-

Miss Vučinić’s mind turned to her revenge
Four hundred and forty three viewers offend
Punishment so dire you cannot comprehend
Giardia! Nausea! Parasitical hell

Reservoirs transformed to be like a latrine
Water quality worse than you’ve ever seen
Streptococcus flowing through Durmitor streams
One mad woman. Heinous plan
Poisoned the nation’s well

Sure she’s over the top
Strained by her Turin flop
Who could ever foresee this plumbing plot
Look at what she’s done
Montenegrins all sweat and clench their bums

A poopy Montesong
Gastrointestinal
Sphincter control has gone
Please wear a bin liner
That poopy Montesong
Poofly infestation
All thoughts turn to marron
Loose bowel occasion
The poopy Montesong

Neonoen feel unwell
Đurđa’s gut is a fuel cell
Bend 9 are curled up as well
Shigella?

Things about to get nasty
Hope you choke on poopity
Eurocolonoscopy
Just eat my…
Just eat my…
Just eat my shit…

A poopy Montesong

Based on Georgia 2011
Eldrine — One More Day

Wake up today, turn on my phone to test my brain
After sleep, a puzzle helps me feel awake
Little game that I play, I do it every day
Every time I complete it with ease again and again

Chained fibre spun by a liar
Hobbit who lives in the Shire
Largest city on the Nile
(Red?) flower found in bouquet
Remains left after cremation
Big toy shop based in Mayfair
Organ that hears through vibration

Hell yeah, I’m nearly halfway
So good at this it’s unfair
At these crosswords I truly am great

Your skill merits a full investigation
I cannot let you solve this easily puzzles meant to be a bugbear
But I must comply with the strict regulations that bind me
How can I make this cocky girl pull out all her hair?

More words found!

This is a direct threat
I’ll see that she resents the day she started puzzling
Clues once tame, I’ll make them insane
I know she’ll want to play by the rules of our game

I will not take this bait, gonna finish anyway
No way, this will surely cause pain
This war game will not be fought with sword but pen

A single object for hire
Potting tool used by Maguire
Demand transport mode by cycling
Beast hidden in retro grey
Loose money and transformation
Nordics sharing the name Claire
Hero sat for integration

Oh no, I can’t find my way
Your cryptic clues are unfair
They’re easy to play when you are clever and brave
But I doubt that you possess the skill to do it today
Gonna have one more try, please spectate

In you I have no faith

(I HATE THIS GAME)

Sent to city with large spire
Frenchman surrounded by tyre
Cute stub entering a vial
Made darker, literally – gay
Pasta type shaped by migration
It’s worth nothing if you tear
Holy sickness elongation

Ok, can’t do it today
To beat this man, we must share
Think you guys could help me out?
That’s great!

Based on Romania 2006
Mihai Trăistariu — Tornerò

I heard someone call out your name the other day
It sounded so strange and now I am not feeling okay
I never considered that there could be any other way
Foundations are shaking, I don't know if it's a yay or nay

[Toh-bleh-rohn], [Toh-bleh-rohn]
That's how I've said it all along
[Toh-blehr-wan], [Toh-blehr-wan]
That's how they said it, now I'm stunned

[Toh-bleh-rohn], [Toh-bleh-rohn]
I'm so confused, what's going on?
[Toh-blehr-wan], [Toh-blehr-wan]
That sounds so wrong but kinda fun

Then someone else said: hey look, the mountain's not there
The packaging's changed, I see, there's no hidden bear
Always a pleasure, when we tried to spot him in his space
Now just a logo, [dis] two words: dishonour and disgrace

[Toh-bleh-rohn], [Toh-bleh-rohn]
So now the Matterhorn is gone
[Toh-blehr-wan], [Toh-blehr-wan]
Everything's changed and I am done

But I got that taste on my mind
That nougat and chocolate delight
Triangles are cracking, memories hijacking
But I one-der how, I had never heard
Oh I one-der how, I'd never heard

[Toh-bleh-rohn], [Toh-bleh-rohn]
That's how I've said it all along
[Toh-blehr-wan], [Toh-blehr-wan]
That sounds so wrong but kinda fun

[Toh-bleh-rohn], [Toh-bleh-rohn]
Feels like I'm in the Twilight zone
[Toh-blehr-wan], [Toh-blehr-wan]
Don't care, you're still the one I want

Based on France 1960
Jacqueline Boyer — Tom Pillibi

André Claveau was my first love
Gentleman as no other
André Claveau, polite and kind
It was love at first sight
He sang me a berceuse each night
And bought me fresh red roses
Took me to picnics on weekends
But he had a defect

He was so boring, my dear André
“dors, mon amour” was all that we did in bed
I loved him dearly, but needed more
A little action
So farewell, mon amour

Viktor Klimenko (call him Vik)
was a stud like no other
Viktor Klimenko had a beard
That tickled the right way
He was near 2 meters tall
Everything in proportion
More than 9 inches of love
But he had a big flaw

He was so clumsy, my good old Vik
Such a big weapon was of no use to me
How can such blessing be so void?
What is the whole point?
So goodbye, horse hung Vik

Gustav Winckler, a saucy man
Good kisser like no other
Gustav Winckler, so passionate
He used his tongue so well
He was sexy, he was a hunk
Always made me see the stars
He just loved me, and I loved him
But there was a problem

None of these men were enough for me
None of them could give me the things I craved for
I was so empty, I felt numb
Cause who I loved was
That bitch Katy Bødtger

Based on France 2015
Lisa Angell — N'oubliez pas

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
This dug-out trench
Is disgusting

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
The Germans shelled my cup noodles at lunch

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
The smell of death fills the air
Limbs left everywhere
And there aren’t enough plugs

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
I watched my friend get dismembered
As there was nothing else better to watch

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
This is a terrible zoo
Was just some archduke
I thought they had an arch duck

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
World War, one star
Sub tour sub-par

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Why can’t we be Slovakoczechia?

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
World War, one star
Found hole in tsar

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Caught TB
Avoid Best Western Front

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
My Pickelhaube seems very small

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
One of our olives was someone’s left ball

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
I tripped on a small cross
Bad idea to plant lots
They should have just built one big one

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
World War, one star
Rubbish death march

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Trench was wet
My boots got caked in mud

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Got lost in poppy maze

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Bayonet was too sharp

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Actors all look the same
Can’t tell king/tsar apart

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Soldiers landing on beach
Ran right through my sandcastle

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
I don’t like mustard smell

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Tank got stuck in carpark

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Would you turn down those drums?
Kids are trying to sleep!

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Best to skip World War 1
And just watch 2 and 3

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Battle language was coarse

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
All instructions in Morse

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
THE WORST BUILDERS IN YPRES
HOUSE LOOKS LIKE IT’S BEEN BOMBED

★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Not worth the Deutschmarks

Based on France 1993
Patrick Fiori — Mama Corsica

In tribute to - and a cover of - Fascinating Aïda's Cheap Flights

Well, my sister had set the date
Getting married, ain’t that great
Taking place in Micklethwaite

Where the fuck is that?

Google names it “Arse end of Hell”
But it’s as far as I could tell

Quite near Harrogate

Travel costs, they may be obscene!
A pop-up then fills my screen

Flights for 50 cents!

Wow, flying out from Ajaccio
And the dates, they work out too
I had to book it on the spot

Nitwit, I am not
Yeah, terms and conditions would always apply

“Brexit bonus” is
The source of the low discount price, the website says

Though an airport tax: €154 would be charged

But I did not care
For I’m the one getting my flights for just 50c

Got there on time…the agent chimed
Oh! Seems you’ve not checked-in online!
Fifty Euros, please

But it’s free: standing on the wing
No? Inside! Then you’ll need a seat
Ninety euros, please

There is this green tax we must fee
Use of our loo for poo or wee
Sixty Euros, please

I paid all of these extra costs
Queued at Gate 1993
After eight hours, we took off

But the flight went well
Still, I was concerned by the signage, which read:

“Welcome to Skegness!”
Fanfare announced we’d arrived on time, like I gave a fuck

Speakers carried on
For travellers to Micklethwaite your bus...now awaits

Once you have pre-paid
If not, it’s just £82
In cash, if you please

Damn you BrexitAir!

Fifty Cents, my arse!!

Based on Serbia 2011
Nina — Čaroban

My name’s Lina, in charge of cleaning the floor.
Thirty years cleaned the mayor’s house.
I am old, ride the bus - it gives me the creeps,
so I wanted a brand new job.

Saw the paper, it listed a promising one.
The headquarter’s in Geneva.
“Swipe the hair and the sputum right off the stage.”
Short term work and the pay is great.
Sometimes things, they don’t go our way…

I hop on the stage, I’ll Swiffer, country gets ready,
Crew say “You SHASHAY! The postcard is ending!”
But German girly brought huge stairs, got dry ice too.
How will I clean all that?

Some prick - he left without his crushed paper boatie.
“Hey, don’t leave your toy, I’m not your maid boy!”
And Denmark’s curtain looks folded and wrinkled.
What fool will iron that?

Try to sneak me a smoke when Portugal’s on.
Crew is bringing a sauna.
I go “Hvala, I’m not a big fan of the heat.”
“Questo e per la Svezia.”

And I think he is on some heavy new drug,
cause there’s no way there is such time,
to hang off curtains get the sauna on.
Such a miniscule frame of time.
But who cares, that is not my job.

People cheer me on, I take Kaj’s sausage pieces
put them in my apron, to snack on them later.
Crew say “Get ready, France is next on the big stage!”
What the fuck, is that sand?

A great performance though a bit overtrying.
Where is my Dyson, to vacuum all that sand?
The nice presenters, they go on to assist me.
“Vielen Dank, miss Sandra!” Hey!
“Hazel, hey!”

And I’m done!	Now we move on to the intervals!
*Looks confused*	Stupid, get your hands up on that broom!
What are interval acts?

Turns out I had to work two hundred more minutes.
Contract terms hidden, my exit forbidden!
And I’ll be frank; I found the props so distasteful.
Fly home to Leskovac!

“Mayor please take me back…”