Based on Lynda Woodruff — You're Good to Go

1, 2
1, 2, 3, 4

“Uh, uh… are we ready?”

Eesti Televisioon were mystified
Until the new intern helped set them right

He was just a trainee
Helping make cups of tea
They had no ideas
Till their hero appeared

“Who here’s ever built a stage?”
Tumbleweeds, till his hand rose
“Could float some screens on strings, I guess?”
Their minds were blown

🎶 The phutty sho-o-o-ow, the phutty sho-o-ow 🎶

He grabbed his tool and built the set
He’s such a pro

“Lights: thousand candles?”
He hit the shops
And found half-price dry ice
For Il faut du temps

He helped Corinna May
Get her thong back on straight
Fixed Malene’s hedgehog hairdo
(Made it cute, and stayed mute)

“Francine Jordi’s looking pale…”
Got a spray can, made her glow (spray painting)
“The Spanish need more lube again”
He made it flow

🎶 The phutty sho-o-o-ow, the phutty sho-o-ow 🎶

“Cats scratched-up Karolina’s breasts”
Set torch to blow

For an elf at ETV
He had big ESC energy
From knitting rainbow jumpers
To live-dubbing daba dabas

He counted all the acts
Made the 25th one squirm
Worked out the Dutch kept sneaking back
And ejected Lenny Kuhr

Frank, Keith, carly, rich,
Yami, Martin, Jonas, tim,
Esker and the rest… awful list!
phutty’s the best lyricist
Leprosy and Prolefeed proved it
But of course, we always knew it
(Ungh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh)

phutty picked the fairytales
Freed the goldfish(?) from its bowl (red mullet?)
“Heard Garlick’s really missing Wales…”
He gave her coal

🎶 The phutty sho-o-o-ow, the phutty sho-o-ow 🎶

Talked Marie N out of a fez
He’s such a pro (he’s such a pro!)

“Oryxes are in the way!”
“Ira’s jumpsuit’s got a hole!” (“Save us phutty!”)
“Sahlene ran away again!”
All promptly solved

🎶 The phutty sho-o-o-ow, the phutty sho-o-ow 🎶

“The Netherlands insist they’re next?”
Call in the pro

“Teach-In? Out!”

Based on Bjarni Arason — Aðeins lengur (Iceland NF 2025)

I think the time has come
To express these thoughts I’ve felt
That weigh me down with doubts and consternation

I have lost that certain spark
That underlies my words
Essential to my lyrical creation

Not a lack of inspiration – I have plenty jotted down
But it causes me confusion – leaving me to wear a frown

On this final journey, I will try my damnedest
To analyse and figure out what’s clouding my mind

For I still love this contest, which we’ve co-created
That boldly goes where none have gone

And used to cheer my heart

I’ve been always far from winning – that’s really not the point
Though ending up with bovine hats was thrilling

With your never-ending genius, this contest’s soaring high…

What’s the source of all my tumult
That cannot be denied

I think it’s Eurovision! Not the recent…antics

No, rather I’ve become detached, and less of a fan

For when I’m writing lyrics, although I enjoy it

The memories often bubble up
With feelings that those golden times are gone

Are you expecting a twist?
Or hope I take the piss?

It’s true, I insist:

This is my final lyric, written not with sadness
But laden down with gratitude as I turn the page

To finish, I will thank you
Writers AND Producers

With no regrets as I depart
I bid you all a heart-felt fond goodbye

Based on DeTeresa — La Pena (Spain NF 2025)

Long after the fall of Roma, power concentrated elsewhere, in
Constantinople (Istanbul) but facts about this are rarer
Though to some it's controversial, here's a version of history
For those who are unfamiliar, a tale that's fun, if quite gory

From coins found in Western India to monuments in Athens
Through Constantinos and Basil, Maurice, Zoë, and Irene,
Many forces tried to destroy them, but they always stayed together
Until luck ran out so quickly it deserted them forever
¡Ah!

This is a condensed history of the Byzantine Empire
Which extended from El Rocío all the way to Yüksekova,
Based in Carthage was the exarch who defended Africa
Plus Ephesus, which was vital, guarded Anatolia

Without even mentioning the
Last exarchate of this trio
That one's Ravenna
(III)

After centuries of success a defeat joined the agenda
Embarrassment for Romanos who could not escape from capture
Manzikert was a fiasco, Seljuk Turks appeared hencher
And strategic incompetence turned it to an awful venture

These struggles left a large power vacuum, which made the empire seem a sham
It lost more than just Armenia in the year of ten seventy-one

So from then this faded army struggled on, tried to be clever
But lacked resources and could not long keep itself together
Borders shrank, power was let go, enemies were never far,
Until eventually they just walked through a door left ajar

And defenceless, these failed heroes
Lost forever
(Die, die, die)
¡Ay, ay, ay!

This empire was once ruthless, but its pride came at a cost,
Because in a lot of Europe its signs have been mainly lost,
It lasted for a millennium, but Byzantium slowly died,

Bye, bye, bye
It's gone!

Based on Tudor Bumbac — Tudorel (Moldova NF 2024)

I’ve had quite enough of whales
Sloths with their disgusting nails
Jungles, oceans, all of that
Let’s just film one in my flat
Frankly I no longer care
Can’t I stay here in my chair?

Look, I found a garden snail
Think it might be a female
Or a male, no way to tell
Still I say let’s call it Michelle
Get it? ‘Cause it has a shell
I came up with that myself

🐌

Fine, we’ll do one on big cats
Neighbour’s one is getting fat
See, it's stuck inside its flap
Shame our view is from the back
BBC insists on head
Arse “too Channel 4”, they said

What if we just film some eggs?
Might be crocs’, more likely hens’
As it happens I bought 12
And I only ate about 10
But we can still film the rest
Just pretend this pan’s their nest

🍳

I’ve got old tapes in my shed
Might be some good stuff in there
Sharks or wombles, I’ve not checked
No wait, it’s just weeks of whelks
We should call this one Michelle
I came up with that myself

Got this from a car boot sale
Taxidermied rat, no tail
That could be a show I guess
I’ve won BAFTAs for a lot less
They won’t even know it’s dead
If we pull it on a sled

BBC just called to say
Prime slots just freed up in May
They’ll take any of my scraps
Even that one on cricket bats
I knew they’d come crawling back
Everyone wants Anal Cat

🐈

Where’s my cheque?

Based on Anniela — Elektrisk (Sweden NF 2011)

Pain searching… Pain not found!

Since my birth I’ve got a tolerance that others don’t have.
Pain don’t make me feel a thing; I don’t have the receptors.
So, to make myself fit in, I kind of oversell it.
Screaming loudly when I hit my toenail to the corner.

Tired of this thing that I have
And what other people say,
Started a journey to rewire.

Otitis, tonsillitis, sinusitis
Felt like a warm hug.
Rib fracture, front and back too, should ignite my
Proprioception – no :(
Swarm of bees group-sting me
Got adrenaline but I could barely feel it.
Disjointed, disappointed, turned to science.
Reverse engineer this.

Neurologic illness caused by genetic mutations,
CIP affects one person when you have a million.
Fourty of them live in Vittangi, my mother’s hometown.
Probably got it cause my parents are also first cousins.

No drug agreed upon yet,
-Maybe it’s irrational-
I will continue to “treat” myself.

Paid people, to kick my crotch -no reception,
They were perverts too.
Pulled the plug, got my finger in electric.
Shame that was no use -boo!
What a torture it is
To see others in pain and not know what that is!
Disheartened, I’ll give up now, got no clue if
I will ever cure this…

I throw my things out – live in the street now.
Join a freak circus, but they kick me out.
Start to feel dizzy, fall to the ground, no senses.
Hospital bed now, nurse to my bedside, pinches my finger
Feels like a restart! Shooting pain, I FEEL IT!

The aching is refreshing, kiss the nurses, stare in utter shock.
CIP is my past now, gonna cure all
My town and the suburbs!
First things first, I must do
-You know what- ‘cause I’ve never felt it inside me.
Get my ass into the bar, grab a cute one
But his dong is too small :(
(Awkward tension sounds)

Based on Giorgia — La cura per me (Italy NF 2025)

In truth, the moment I collected my result
Sense said there must have been a reason
How to start
How to start?

I can’t change the person that I am now
I recalled this while playing piano
Such a tune, it conveys my story
Not my usual stupid type, this means more here…

And now I can’t deny
Definitely some fear
I hope you understand
I beg you not to shed a tear
It’s not like that
It’s... positive

Here’s my view, because there’s always a
Tomorrow
I’ve been lucky, so damn lucky
While it found me, I’m more now

Here’s the truth, it created a
Commando
Because, you see, I’ve grown up because of it
Didn’t let it overwhelm me
Dismissed its call to arm
So long, I sailed away!
Fearless.

Twenty-four years
That’s how long I’ve had it, and actually it’s an
Amazing fact that
Sometimes I almost forget that it’s even there?

And I’ve lost some jobs over it... and friends…
They’re free to
But the ones I’ve kept, well..
They’re unbelievable!
Provided impenetrable love, ha, they are my whole world

And now, as I write this out
I’m only filled with cheer
Don’t have any doubt
You bet I’ve got fight enough for three
The chord I chime, it’s only major: 𝄞

I’m brand new, because there’s always a
Tomorrow
I’ve been lucky, so damn lucky
While it found me, I’m more now

Most of all, it created a
Commando
Because, you see, I’ve grown up because of it
Didn’t let it overwhelm me
Resisted its terror
Saw off the stain of pariah

Here me
Nothing is “Oh, one day soon”, no time is idly thrown
You see, it’s the lovely change in me – something I humbly celebrate to this day
Waiting in the chaos was a me ready to just stand up, own it, know what to do, keep me sane

With humour
Make mistakes
New future
Mine to make
Venture on
More mistakes!
And soon I, learned to love me again.

And indeed the key is only:
Love.
I’ve been lucky, so fucking lucky
While it found me, I’m more now

Yes, it's true, it created a great
Commando
Because, you see, I’ve grown up because of all of it
Didn’t let it overwhelm me
Existence is my right
No sign of my disqualifier, HIV

Based on Linus Svenning — Bröder (Sweden NF 2014)

It started all så bra
On a Göteborg’s cold night
ALLA FLICKOR’s a BOP
Your future was looking bright
Schlager queen in the making
Carola lost her throne
The fans were excited
As your name was announced

Linda Bengtzing
Our queen Linda Bengtzing
Then, the next year you would do even better
Linda Bengtzing, Linda, Linda Bengtzing
JAG LJÜGER SÅ BRA became a true anthem
Catchiest song
With a botched key change
Lame dress reveal
Linda Bengtzing, Linda, Linda Bengtzing
Your second entry and you’d made history

Still, you kept trying your best
HUR SVÅRT KAN DET VA was next
A “contemporary” tune
with your signature ending
“Modern” does not suit you
But this was not so bad

Linda Bengtzing,
Icon Linda Bengtzing
Stopped for two years, returned with a true Schlager
Linda Bengtzing, Linda, Linda Bengtzing
E DET FEL PÅ MIG was less than impressive
You qualified
But fans did not like
Your new style
Linda Bengtzing
Your songs had gone downhill

Linda Bengtzing
Supreme Linda Bengtzing
I came to Örnsköldsvik to see you perform
Linda Bengtzing, Linda, Linda Bengtzing
I hoped TA MIG’d be a true schlager banger
What have you done?
No final for you
Your worst yet
Linda Bengtzing, my dear Linda Bengtzing
You’ve lost the plot, and your last songs suck big time

Based on Íris Holm — Leyndarmál (Iceland NF 2012)

Come here we’ve a choice to make. Helsinki in May, our Irish entry
Looking at results to date. Weakness was the song, televotes thin
How ‘bout an open call? Does that sound ok then?

“You berk! Your options are all wrong
We’ll have a one artist final
WITH DERVISH! Trad and folk, nothing can go wrong”

Seems as though the bodhráns failed. Yes four tones out of tune, a minor mistake
Never mind lessons were learned. We’ll turn this around. Emphasis changed
Focus on songs this time? Have a proper final?

“Good guess. We’ll have five different songs
But then let’s add a twist on top
A PANEL! To guide voters to something bland”

With Louis, Billy, and Linda. Sure there's no scandals there
(Sound mix inflicts) true hell on all eardrums everywhere
Is it that hard?

“It’s clear. We’re missing something fun
ADD MENTORS! You know nepotism is hot”

Who cares? Just call Sammy Mumba
Her ballads are so bad
And her chair belongs in Andorra

RTE please could you just pick a nice song

Based on Giorgi Pruidze — Me mjera (Georgia NF 2019)

Every day this week so far, there’s
been this “straight” guy at the bar.
Making small talk as he sits there,
thirsty bitch gives me the eye.

Bro, I know where this is going…

HIM: “Got a girl?” (I shake my head.)
HIM: “Guess you’re gay, then. Am I right?
Must be easy finding men
in this city. What’s your type?”

ME: “Men in general.”
HIM: “You’ve no preference at all?”
ME: “Men in general.”
HIM: “Fat, thin, short-ass or tall?”
ME: “Men in general.”
HIM: “Come on, man, not *all*
men in general?”
ME: “Men in general.”

Tilts his head, and then he’s smiling.
Manspread on his seat, he asks
what I think of what he’s packing,
winks, then flashes me his abs.

*Shrug* I check how long is left
till my break at half past nine.
“You for real, man?” straighty says.
HIM: “Girls love this! So what d’you like?”

ME: “Men in general.”
HIM: “What, like, my build, or small?”
ME: “Men in general.”
HIM: “Top or bottom, or both?”
ME: “Men in general.”
HIM: “Come on, man, you must --”
ME: “Men in general.”
HIM: “Men in gener-”

“Bro,” I stop him. “Restrooms, in ten.”

SOON: Oh! Aah! Ooh!! Aaah!! Oh, oh!!! Aaaah!!!

Cishet men are all, “Hell yeah, bros before hoes!”
They’re not gay, of course -- homies but no homo
-- till they’re in that stall,
up against the wall,
with you in their hole.

Based on Karmento — Quiero y duelo (Spain NF 2023)

Lalala... lalala lala
Nanana... nanana nana
Ojojoj... ojojoj ojoj

What a sweet realisation:
The wait is over, it’s mid-October!
Feel so much anticipation
And full disclosure: can’t keep composure...
Aboard and off we go!
To the winning city in our thorough voting
This year’s looks so gorgeous, but it is worth noting:
With you, all places glow

One long weekend packed with action
We’ll dine together, upbeat as ever
Sat night is our main attraction
‘Cause one can hardly resist our party
Exciting times ahead!
Six full hours to all the hits that we’d been craving
Make it seven through the gift of daylight saving
Feels like they will never end

I’m thrilled to be bound
To dance next to schlager lovers
And sometimes burst into conga
Or chant ballads all gathered round
A space so safe
Whatever’s expressed is valid
We’ll probably all be shouting
Fun gibberish lines, like:

Manana... manana nana
Tabadam... tam tabadabadam

Song requests did well surprise us
Ace compilation, to our elation
Kudos to the organisers
The club was brilliant, one in a million
The whole event was fab!
Such an atmosphere is so unique to foster
And the explanations to non-fans we offer
They will never fully grasp

Such moments held so dear!
Armographies as per Tajči
Sound fails we love reenacting
Double clapping to Musketeers...
All tunes were sung
Pretending to know the lyrics
Sopranos were of course mimicked
And gibberish, spat out:

Dambadam... dambadam badam
E upa... upa aroha
Op op op... daj ojda ojda
That drip drop... that drip drop drip drop

Balala... balala lala
Šta šta šta... lalala lala
Ouo... ouo uo
Yodelo... yodele yodelo