Based on Tudor Bumbac — Tudorel (Moldova NF 2024)
I’ve had quite enough of whales
Sloths with their disgusting nails
Jungles, oceans, all of that
Let’s just film one in my flat
Frankly I no longer care
Can’t I stay here in my chair?
Look, I found a garden snail
Think it might be a female
Or a male, no way to tell
Still I say let’s call it Michelle
Get it? ‘Cause it has a shell
I came up with that myself
🐌
Fine, we’ll do one on big cats
Neighbour’s one is getting fat
See, it's stuck inside its flap
Shame our view is from the back
BBC insists on head
Arse “too Channel 4”, they said
What if we just film some eggs?
Might be crocs’, more likely hens’
As it happens I bought 12
And I only ate about 10
But we can still film the rest
Just pretend this pan’s their nest
🍳
I’ve got old tapes in my shed
Might be some good stuff in there
Sharks or wombles, I’ve not checked
No wait, it’s just weeks of whelks
We should call this one Michelle
I came up with that myself
Got this from a car boot sale
Taxidermied rat, no tail
That could be a show I guess
I’ve won BAFTAs for a lot less
They won’t even know it’s dead
If we pull it on a sled
BBC just called to say
Prime slots just freed up in May
They’ll take any of my scraps
Even that one on cricket bats
I knew they’d come crawling back
Everyone wants Anal Cat
🐈
Where’s my cheque?