Based on Ireland 2025
EMMY — Laika Party
(Emmy was way off)
A stray dog with heartworm that’s half-mange and half-fur
Poor Nikita Khrushchev’s plan’s absurd
Beat the USA, starting with the space race
By putting a lone little dog in space
First they pin her down, then they knock her out
Hold her all the time in a cage yay wide
To acclimatise to her rocket life
But no, Laika’s health declines, the mad regime soon makes her ill
It’s no help that they starve her and then put her on the pill
Because they fear that something bad has happened to her heart
They poke Laika full of wires
Laika’s body isn’t prized
Laika’s body’s traumatized
Poor dog suffers constant constipation
’Cause she’s trapped inside a cage and
If they feed her, it’s some space gunk
She’s depressed and in a blue funk
It’ll get much worse than this though
This is all part of the pre-show
While she’s being held in Moscow
Soon she’s vomiting and groans from the weakness in her bones
Penned up so long she can’t walk or run
She can’t do nowt but cry when she’s forced to lie
In a centrifuge to stress-test her spine
All that spinning round, hanging upside down
Leaves her terrified with half-blinded eyes
Twisted up inside, but she’s passed for flight
They dope Laika for the ride toward her Uzbeki farewell
And there they launch old Muttnik on a one-way trip to hell
The force (3 Gs) and mounting stress wreak havoc on her heart
And so Laika’s stats nosedive
Laika’s body goes haywire
Laika’s body soon expires
First off, the extreme acceleration
Causes hyperventilation
With the cabin overheating
The poor mongrel’s heart stops beating
But her story doesn’t end then
She’s been dead for months on end when
Mutt and Sputnik meet their sad end
Laika’s body hits the sky – oh!
Laika’s body starts to fry – oh no!
And then, having paved the way for spacemen
An incinerated angel
Falls to Earth from up in heaven
(“Oh, look mom, it’s snowing!”) Laika’s body in your eyes